Do I tell the other woman’s husband?

[Veryunlucky]

If you just found out your spouse was cheating then emotions are all over the place and you have much to think about in your own personal life. The reason you are running to tell the affair partners spouse is because you are in pain and want to cause pain to affair partner. You are also causing pain the the ap spouse, to their children, to their family, to many people you don’t even know. How could this ever be the right thing to do. No good will come of it, don’t give the affair partner the time of day, you will just mean and spiteful. your pain is because your spouse betrayed you. Your issue is with your spouse.

[Amethyst68]

OP, I would recommend looking at some infidelity sites where this subject is discussed on a regular basis. The majority of the ones I have read personally are overwhelming in the number of BSs who would want to know and/or wished the OBS had informed them. Similarly there are a lot of threads from BS who regret not telling because all that happened was the affair went underground.

 

Do not forget your main issue is with your WH but please tell the OBS. Again, I would say look at who is giving the advice here.

[Amethyst68]

Not sure that anyone would have hard data to support the actual risk level, but for example, if a BW knows the OBH is a drug dealer or mafia type, or even that they happen to own guns, this sort of thinking could factor in. And of course outwardly "regular" people can snap emotionally due to things like this, unfortunately. So if you know the BH is under a great deal of stress in general (prior to being told) it could be a factor too.

 

Hi Marc obviously if there's a situation where the BS was aware of a specific risk then I would say proceed with caution. For me, I would think that if my WH was willing and stupid enough to mess with someone like that then they have to recognise the consequences there actions. If your cheating with the SO of a drug dealer, mafia/gang member you know the risks, why expect your BS to protect you after you've had your fun.

[mark clemson]

Well, in my view the smartest thing to do in a true dangerous person scenario is high tail it out of there. Agree that the WH has brought it on themselves. But, again in a case like that, do you really want the father of your children getting shot? Or the person you used to love and may want to reconcile with?

 

IMO the wisest thing to do in a true case like that would probably be to divorce and separate from WH and HOPE the dangerous BS never finds out.

 

It's unclear whether you are suggesting to tell the OBH even though they are a true dangerous person. I agree that WH brought it on themselves (and was obviously incredibly stupid, or possibly unaware until late in the game) in a case like this. However, I'm not sure what telling a dangerous OBH does other than substantially increase risk for everyone involved. E.g. with a drug gang person, you'd be potentially risking your (and your kids if you have any) lives if you are one of the primary witnesses to their murder investigation.

 

We are discussing a pretty narrow hypothetical situation here. HOPE we never have to give advice in a case like this on this board.

[FMW]

I think in most cases betrayed spouses would always want to hear from the other betrayed spouse.

 

Hearing from the actual affair partner is a different issue, I'm not sure most would want the news from that source.

 

At least that's how I would have felt back when I was in that situation.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

... You are also causing pain the the ap spouse, to their children, to their family, to many people you don’t even know. How could this ever be the right thing to do.

 

I strongly disagree. The pain and destruction is not a result of informing the other BS, it is direct result from the cheating spouses. They created the carnage, not the BS.

 

Yes, the children are the innocent collateral damage, but that is on the WSs.

[Mrs._December]

You could always just do it anonymously through snail mail. But be sure you know the guy isn't violent. He might beat both of you up.

With all due respect, exactly WHEN did everyone start shaking in their boots about doing the right thing and telling a man the TRUTH of his marriage? This nonsense about everyone getting beat up or shot to death by a scorned BH is exactly the type of bull**** LIE cheating men tell their BW's to buy their silence so they can protect their OWs from having a D-Day. And it usually works because a lot of BWs are actually foolish enough to stay silent. 99.99999% of the time, this is just a load of manure.

 

According to some of the logic in this thread, apparently only women should be told about affairs because they're weaker and will just collapse into a pile of tears when they find out. But men? They're just too unpredictable, violent and ignorant to know any better and may very well kill your whole family AND your mother who's living out in Kenosha. Therefore, you're really taking your life in your own hands if you're stupid enough to tell him.

 

Freakin' unreal.

 

OP - do the RIGHT THING. Tell that poor man the truth so he gets to make informed decisions about his own future just like you're doing. If you don't tell him, then all you're doing is keeping your cheating husband's and his OW's dirty little secret FOR them.

Edited August 27, 2019 by Mrs._December

[oldtruck]

Dr William F Harley, as in a real PHD, has been an infidelity

expert for over 40 years. A long with his practice he has a web

site. He has always advocated exposing the affair to the OMW

and the OWH.

 

WS's lie.

They lie on D day.

Even after D day they lie.

 

One of the most common lie is that the BS is a mad dog bats**t

crazy person and they will come looking to open up a huge can

of whoopass.

 

This lie is done because the WS is trying protect themselves and

their AP.

 

Dr Harley, if after having seen BS's leaving a trail of bodies linked to

exposure he would not be insisting that exposure must me done.

 

The good Dr has not seen a link.

[Onwards13]

For everyone asking for an update- I haven’t told yet.

 

In retrospect I wish I had when I first found it- i was too overwhelmed at the time and couldn’t care less about the AP- I also worried about retaliation / not by the Ap’s spouse but by the AP.

 

As for evidence - I have over 100 pages of detailed chat transcripts

 

I was adviced not to say anything - I disagree - I should have immediately- the affair was really new then - more likelihood of it ending- now they’ve been going strong for over 6 months / things will be more complicated

 

I will tell - waiting for the right time - like once our legal negotiations are over and our children are no longer living in the same town as the AP.

 

I could care less abour my stbxh/ but want to protect my girls

[schlumpy]

I will tell - waiting for the right time - like once our legal negotiations are over and our children are no longer living in the same town as the AP.

 

I could care less abour my stbxh/ but want to protect my girls

 

You have the power and you get make the decision. You are doing the right thing by protecting yourself and your children.

 

It's absolutely true that hindsight is 20/20 but it's understandable with all the emotional chaos going on. Very hard to do the rational thing under those conditions.

[mark clemson]

Just wondering, OP, are you hoping for a particular outcome here? What do you hope to accomplish by telling? Do you see yourself as looking out for the OBH's best interests?

[Onwards13]

Just wondering, OP, are you hoping for a particular outcome here? What do you hope to accomplish by telling? Do you see yourself as looking out for the OBH's best interests?

 

 

My motivation is that if it were me- I’d want to know- he’s been made a fool of- Why should everyone know but him. Enough time has passed for me that it’s not an anger/ revenge thing anymore - more that it’s the right thing to do for me based on my personal values/ morals.

 

In addition I know they weren’t using condoms (they talked about in the messages I read)...

[mark clemson]

Fair enough. And you are going to wait until it is "safe" for your kids - that you have moved to a new town?

 

I don't know the laws in your state, but won't your husband have visitation rights regardless?

 

Since you've decided to do this, I guess I'm wondering why wait? Not sure what's to be gained by waiting (but maybe you see something I don't, being actually in the situation). It just lets the negative situation continue.

 

Not saying you should or shouldn't wait - that's up to you to consider, of course. I guess I just don't see the purpose in letting this continue if you've decided you're going to tell anyhow. Why allow it to continue?

[Turning point]

The further away from Dday you get the less I agree with telling the BH. You're not attempting to reconcile, and there is no longer any benefit to your own family by doing so. The risk to other people now greatly outweighs any reward.

 

While it feels righteous to do so, Unless you are already very close with this person and know the family situation - I don't believe you are the person who should be informing him. Otherwise, you don't have enough information to weigh the collateral damage, and you are not close enough to this person to know what burden they can or cannot handle.

 

My opinions in this matter are informed by a mother who committed suicide after learning about her husbands affair, leaving two small children without their mother. Yes, she had a long history of mental illness - but, how well informed are you about the spouse and children on the other side of this information you want to share?

 

Surely, there are other people closer to him who can act appropriately and compassionately.

Edited August 29, 2019 by Turning point

[Buffer]

Do not tell the other woman’s husband. There is no need. Your issue is with your husband period. Keep it between yourselves. Take the high road, have some dignity and respect for yourself. You know it could possibly hurt him very much. Why hurt another person you don’t even know.

 

Morning

Sorry to be a pain but I totally disagree with the above and others who say not to inform on your WH affair partner. He has the right to know. She is putting her family and husband at risk of a STD/STI. As well he has a right to know his love wife is sleeping with your POS husband.

Those who say take the high road I say ‘Look at your own spouse, are they, did they, Hopefully you are never told your SO is banging some one. But if they are would you just be content to stick your head in the sand and look the other way?’

OP you are a strong beautiful person who never deserved this. Keep being strong for the children. Stuff your POS’s family. Stay beautiful and bug cyber hugs

 

Buffer

[Onwards13]

My opinions in this matter are informed by a mother who committed suicide after learning about her husbands affair, leaving two small children without their mother. Yes, she had a long history of mental illness - but, how well informed are you about the spouse and children on the other side of this information you want to share?

 

 

Very sad about the mother - but her suicide wasn’t due to someone telling her - it was due to her husbands actions. Don’t shoot the messenger or look for a scape goat

Edited August 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[somanymistakes]

slightly old post but

 

I have never read a thread where the BS killed the WS or the AP

on any of these forums from telling or learning the truth.

 

do you really think someone's going to log onto the forum and go "hi i just murdered someone"

 

or "hi i was just murdered"

 

like, seriously

 

there's a pretty obvious survivorship bias here

[pepperbird]

I don't understand why the possibility that someone could react violently to finding out his spouse has cheated is being pushed so strongly.

 

 

 

Sure, that possibility is there, bit I would hazard a guess that the risk is low. There's probably a greater risk of getting in a fatal accident driving a car than of the other BS in this situation harming his WS.

 

He may yell, they may argue, he may leave. He may yell, they may argue and they may decide to work things out. In the vast majority of cases that's the end result of informing a BS about their spouse cheating.

[oldtruck]

slightly old post but

 

 

 

do you really think someone's going to log onto the forum and go "hi i just murdered someone"

 

or "hi i was just murdered"

 

like, seriously

 

there's a pretty obvious survivorship bias here

 

 

The perpetrator will not post they committed a crime. Neither

will the victim.

 

Though people that post here share real life affair stories in their

local news.

 

And there have been more stories about the BH killing self, then the

OW trying to kill the BW, then followed by the BH had a fist fight

with the OM.

 

The only story I heard about the BH killing them OM. The BH came

home unexpected, saw his WW going at it hot and heavy in the OM's

pickup truck parked on the BH's driveway.

 

The WW jumped out of the pickup yelling he is trying to rape me.

The OM backs out of the driveway. Throws it into drive and hits the gas

to drive down the road.

 

The BH, legally carrying pistol, shoots at the truck/OM as it starts to

head down the road.

 

Result OM dead.

 

Police finally get the truth out that the WW was not getting raped

but was having an affair with the OM.

 

WW convicted sent to jail.

 

BH cleared of all crimes and better yet cleared of his cheating WW.

Divorced her a$$.

[somanymistakes]

Almost every story I hear is about husbands (or ex-husbands) murdering their wives/girlfriends for "cheating". Which in at least half the cases is either not cheating at all and he's just insane, or she actually LEFT his creepy ass and THEN he decided to kill her. But i'm sure at least a few of them are murdering actual cheaters as well.

[mark clemson]

I do think it must be rare. Although you see articles all the time, I suspect that a huge number of people are probably cheating at one time or another in their lives. (My guess would be 20% of people having cheated on a SO at some point - and that may be conservative. That is just a guess.) I suspect that if even 5% were being killed it would be considered an epidemic.

 

That last story is pretty awful. One guy's dead, the poor BH is forced to shoot someone and then later has a Dday. The wife had her husband shoot her lover in front of her. That's bad enough but what about an OBW? And of course any kids involved would be seriously traumatized.

 

But I guess that's all just fine 'n' dandy, since in the end, he:

 

Divorced her a$$.

 

And that's what's really important. Amirite??

[oldtruck]

Almost every story I hear is about husbands (or ex-husbands) murdering their wives/girlfriends for "cheating". Which in at least half the cases is either not cheating at all and he's just insane, or she actually LEFT his creepy ass and THEN he decided to kill her. But i'm sure at least a few of them are murdering actual cheaters as well.

 

I do not read let alone follow criminal stories. I just have enough time

to read stories that concern infidelity.

[oldtruck]

I do think it must be rare. Although you see articles all the time, I suspect that a huge number of people are probably cheating at one time or another in their lives. (My guess would be 20% of people having cheated on a SO at some point - and that may be conservative. That is just a guess.) I suspect that if even 5% were being killed it would be considered an epidemic.

 

That last story is pretty awful. One guy's dead, the poor BH is forced to shoot someone and then later has a Dday. The wife had her husband shoot her lover in front of her. That's bad enough but what about an OBW? And of course any kids involved would be seriously traumatized.

 

But I guess that's all just fine 'n' dandy, since in the end, he:

 

 

 

And that's what's really important. Amirite??

 

So what do you think their shot at recovery once she gets paroled?

[mark clemson]

I suspect it would be pretty low.

 

It IS true this never would have happened if she wasn't ****ing some guy in their driveway.

[anika99]

I don't understand why the possibility that someone could react violently to finding out his spouse has cheated is being pushed so strongly.

 

 

 

Sure, that possibility is there, bit I would hazard a guess that the risk is low. There's probably a greater risk of getting in a fatal accident driving a car than of the other BS in this situation harming his WS.

 

He may yell, they may argue, he may leave. He may yell, they may argue and they may decide to work things out. In the vast majority of cases that's the end result of informing a BS about their spouse cheating.

 

This very true. I live in a major city that is heavily populated. Every day there are accidents and violent crimes are committed but I can't remember the last time there was a murder due to an affair. I do remember a tragic story in our local news that took place about five years ago. Guy murdered his second wife and their two beautiful little girls. There was an affair involved but guess what? The murderer husband was the one having the affair! As a matter of fact, when I watch those true crime shows about spouses killing each other the one who kills is almost always the one who is having an affair.

 

Therefore we could just as easily argue that the BS is in danger by not knowing. Even if the

OW in this particular situation isn't planning to murder her husband she could be plotting against him in other ways.