Eighteen years old, still single

[Wiilks]

Greetings! I guess it happens quite often some people have always been single at that age, yet my situation is a bit more particular.

 

I'm an 18-year-old Frenchman who has never kissed, been in a relationship, nor has ever had sex. Yet, I could have experienced love, had my situation not been like that.

 

First, some information about my past that's important to me to say. I used to be a sort of an introvert loner, socially awkward, insecure, and full of other flaws. I was manipulated by girls twice and hurt really bad. I tried to commit suicide several times. Due to my difference in maturity (which my teachers and family highlighted), I didn't get along with kids/teens my age. At 15, I fell for a girl living far away who causes me much pain for about a year. I also got loads of knockbacks and useless crushes.

 

I'm going in my third and last year of high school and I'm completely different. When I actually entered high school, I changed. A good student, I'm also socially active and have loads of acquaintances and several good friends, most of them being girls. I even get along pretty well with teachers and other adults generally speaking. I'm less shy and much more confident. I love myself which wasn't the case before and I'm even doing workout to build muscle (not for girls, for my personal goals). I practice different soft sports, have many goals and dreams, am extremely ambitious, am the funny guy of the class who entertains both students and teachers while studying, and I fascinate most people due to my differences, my independence, my ambition, and my special personality. Last year, for the first time of my life, I had no knockback but I did turned four girls' feelings down. For the first time of my life. I finally became attractive.

 

So, what's wrong? Why am I writing if everything's okay? It is not completely, actually.

 

Problem is I have a particular personality, different hobbies, views, plans, and ambitions compared to most of my peers. I'm into older girls because of that even though I'd prefer someone my age or around my age at least.

 

Examples include... a disgust of sex which I don't want to experience before years and for one purpose, procreating; looking for a serious and long-term relationship; looking for a like-minded and similar person (such people are rare); I'm quite sensitive; I'm a bit too selfish most especially with money due to personal reasons; I do'nt really like giving and receiving gifts (and I know girls like them; I'm not into things, more into acts and proofs of love); I intend to live my country in a few years due to my projects which will have me travel often; I intend to drop out of university to focus on my (almost started) freelance path; I have a different spiritual life (non-religious nor New Age, though); I'm a bit strict with myself sometimes; I have precise plans as for raising children (like homeschooling them) if I and my potential girlfriend have any one day; I'm still a bit socially awkward and not good at conversing (I'm excellent at listening to people and helping them, though); I really think I'm far from being flawless while everybody else thinks I'm "perfect"; I'm hard with myself but completely nice/kind to others; I'm extremely picky; I still value loneliness over company and I often need to be alone in nature or in my bedroom; due to my past, I still struggle to trust people (it takes a lot of time and effort from the person); and so on.

 

People usually compliment(ed) me for "my hair, my intelligence, my beauty (still can't believe that lol), my kindness, my open-mindedness, my support, my listening, my uniqueness, my funny side, my courtesy, being respectful, my ambition, etc".

 

Yet, I can't find love. Please don't recommend my online dating and no, it is highly unlikely to find like-minded people in my city/region/area and even less in my school. I do have online friends (almost only girls) and two of them asked me out last year; this year, I almost got into a relationship with a 29-year-old Estonian friend but, for evident reasons, we both agreed on staying friends only. I'm a bit desperate; I'm used to being patient and I know love will come, but I've been waiting for that ideal love since I was 12. I'd really like to experience that, loving a like-minded girl who also loves me; we'd both have wonderful moments and I'd do my best to make her the happiest girl ever. However, it is a dream...

 

Because of that, I've been considering taking a forced and temporary vow of celibacy for two reasons: getting rid of those constant thoughts of finding love; eradicating masturbation for more self-discipline. (if I am to take this vow, I'll have to accept difficult conditions and I'll have to be disciplined as I have never been before)

 

Anyway. Thanks for reading this novel. What do you think? What should I do? I may have forgotten some things but the essential is there. Have a good day/evening/night!

Edited August 21, 2019 by Wiilks

[basil67]

Hi Wiilks, I'm not going to suggest you go online to find love. I would also suggest that you shouldn't be looking for love in person. Work on yourself first. Get to the bottom of why the idea of sex with your love would disgust you or why you'd only do it for procreation. Sort out the selfishness around gift giving and being a scrooge with money. And learn to consider what you partner may want in terms of how to have a marriage in family.

 

When you've sorted yourself out, love will come your way.

[Wiilks]

Hi basil67, thanks for replying This is what I'm exactly doing, working on myself. I know why I don't want sex with love; it just disgusts me and I think there are other, more noble ways, of showing love. However, maybe this opinion will change. One never knows. I have to act this way (with money) because I need a lot of it to achieve my dreams and projects and, because of family problems, I have to fend for myself. I will nonetheless do efforts for gift giving. One of the things I forgot to mention is I don't want to get married. My dad recommended me never to and, for money and various personal reasons, I don't want to. What do you mean with "learn to consider what you® partner may want in terms of how to have a marriage in family"?

[basil67]

What I mean is that she may have different ideas to you. Listening to each other's ideas and finding common ground is important in a relationship. Also, listen to your father, but also listen to others. Contemplate all the different advice and then make your own decisions about how your life will look.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

Yet, I can't find love. Please don't recommend my online dating

 

I would never recommend online dating for someone who is only 18. ONLY 18. You are so young.

 

I agree with your vow of celibacy for two reasons:

 

1. It will take the pressure off, especially if people are asking you all the time about your dating life. You can simply state that and say you're focusing on your goals and dreams and have plenty of time to think about that later. Because you do. Sounds like you may be feeling some kind of pressure to "be like everyone else" with regard to romance. Nothing says you have to be.

 

2. As you age and mature, you may find yourself loosening up on some of your strict life guidelines (i.e. child-rearing, religion, finances), or changing them altogether. Your brain is still forming until you are about 25. You may not believe me now, but you will think about some things differently at age 30 than you do now at age 18.

 

There is nothing wrong with craving alone time . You're an introvert, and that is perfectly OK.

[Wiilks]

Of course, communication is essential in relationships, but it won't be useful if we both have different ideas/views/projects.

Also, I already made some 100% sure decisions as I'll never get married and how I'd like my potential children to be educated.

 

Thanks for replying, CautiouslyOptimistic, and offering me help too.

 

Your opinion is encouraging. I agree but I actually have no pressure from peers. They know I don't care at all about love and sex, and they never talk about it to me except when asking for advice. However, my time in terms of relationships is limited. In less than eight years, I want to be in a long-term relationship matching my ideal. If it's not the case, I'll take a life-long vow of celibacy or I, at least, won't have children. I'm sure of it.

 

I will indeed loosen up on some of my disciplines, but not on my views. Only my lifestyle. I'm following a book's ideas and advice, so I know what I'm doing. I have to be strict though not "too much", and, when I'll be mature enough, I'll reduce some of the rules. I've had about the same ideas and projects for years; instead of changing completely, they kept developing. I know what will change and what will not in my life, somehow.

 

After reading both your and basil67's advice, I thought a lot and did research a couple of hours. I realized some things for sure:

- I'll never get married.

- I won't have sex before at least 18 to 24 months into the relationship OR for nothing but procreating. Also, I'm going to force myself into 1) getting rid definitely of "exciting videos" (you guys understand what I mean, but it's only on YouTube) and thoughts, 2) of my fetishes, and 3) becoming even stricter in terms of sexuality (which already is almost inexistent for me). I may also make masturbation prohibited for me.

- I'm okay with long-distance relationships but not with real ones (not before three/four years, when I'll finally be abroad).

- I really want to be the best boyfriend ever if I get in a relationship, yet I might be a difficult one too because of my views/lifestyle/projects.

 

Thanks to you both

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I might be a difficult one too because of my views/lifestyle/projects.

 

For sure. Finding someone who would be interested in all that you've laid out here would be like finding a needle in a haystack. Good luck.

[Mysterio]

I would just focus on being happy. I would stay away of thinking that being single is some sort of a curse. You have at least till 80 for things to fall into place.

 

You can meet people and just let things go from thier. Dating sites are a waste of money. Very low chance of meeting someone life long.

 

Just don't get into the mentality that you are single and something is really wrong. I am 48 and I have to try not to think of it for the most part. If you start thinking that singleness is a curse in a negative way. You are setting yourself up for a lot of sad times.

 

18 to 28, I personally think should be the only time where you really get to travel and meet people and call your own shots without compromise. its the burning out things in your system period of a persons life. I would even push it to 30. Everyone I know that got married under 25, feels like they missed out on something. My buddy SA's wife felt that she did not know herself outside of SA and they are now Seperated going to Divorce.

 

So enjoy your life. Sink yourself into hobbies. Think of having a romantic relationship with a woman as an extra thing in your life for your happiness. Not something lacking. I think having a heavy duty relationship at 18 is way overated. Unless that couple really clicks.

[MysteryLuvsCompany8]

18 is SO young. Live your life and romantic love will happen it's suppose to!

 

I'm 30 & have dated numerous people (I've had one long term relationship at the age of 25-27). When you get in the mindset you need a significant other then you'll attract a less than stellar situation you may not want down the road. Meditate, pray, be patient, live life, and all of the rest will happen.

[Mysterio]

I don't know why we need a romantic relationship so bad. I am 48 and I can't go a couple of hours with out thinking about. Re-assessing over and over in my head, what is the problem.

 

The only thing I can think of is that my picks for romantic prospects are wrong. Or its that bad that out there on the dating scene. That being said. At 18. rewrite your mindset. Go out there and make your mark. A love relationship can take its time and find you. Don't get wrapped up into thinking that life is less than with out a love relationship. I am 48 and I still have to get out of that mindset.