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Hello people ,

 

First of all i appreciate feedback and thank you for reading , i will try to make this long story short .

 

Dated this beautiful lady for 6 months we never mentioned anything that we are in a relationship etc even tho we were hanging oht together on weekends all the time didint talk to any other people (Atleast from my side) my focus was on her , did everything in my power to make her feel all respected and good , was there for her , made her laugh , motivated her .

 

From her not so much didint show a lot of interest in my personal life , in a way i didint mind it , as things started to get kinda serious she started mistreating me a lot shouting , name calling blaming , even ignoring me on chat etc i have literally settled for being mistreated , i ended things after a lot of torture and destroying myself emotionally and mentally after a while we met she admitted she has issues and it was all her fault but should i go back to this? I mean have people had this type of situations where they go back and things change (even tho she promised like 3 times already about changing and going back to where we were) , but now she looked broken and full of guilt , and she cant let go cause she knows now she was the problem , i read a lot of posts on this forums where literally its like we have the same situation , i mean am i being a softy and accepting that being mistreated is ok i just cant get her off my head and i have a date with another lady tonight that i am forcing myself into thats how i feel i dont know why i shouldnt go she seems fun and positive(but not as attractive as my ex). but its like i will think of my ex ... im wondering if i will damage myself more if i do this , i would appreciate advice as i seem to lost to take decisions right now cant think clear

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Also i didint want to make my ex seem only bad we had our fair share of fun and many laughs but in most situations like work related stuff etc or being moody she would take it out all on me but when she was in a good mood or dosent act moody with me she felt like the perfect girl , thats why its so confusing , its like she really wanted to be her happy side always but she couldn’t control taking it out on me , but funny how she doesn’t do that with work colleagues or other friends

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we are in a relationship etc even tho we were hanging oht together on weekends all the time didint talk to any other people (Atleast from my side) my focus was on her , did everything in my power to make her feel all respected and good , was there for her , made her laugh , motivated her .

 

From her not so much didint show a lot of interest in my personal life , in a way i didint mind it , as things started to get kinda serious she started mistreating me.....

 

 

It is good that you didn't bring up labels. But you still over-pursued her and made it clear that she didn't have to do anything to keep you there. She got tired of you after a bit. It is kind of like a puppy dog that keeps on you, wanting constant attention. It seems fun at first but after a while it gets annoying and you are pushing it away and yelling at it.

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Thats fair enough to hear , and yeah in a way i think she also took me for-granted etc since i always returned and so on but if she got bored of me why create all the drama and admit to everything wrong shes done and begged me to try again and also said go take your time i will wait for you , because i want to be with you? That just confused the hell out of me and makes me forget the bad times and only have images of our last day how good it was and how much i saw it in her eyes that she regretted it.

 

I mean if it was vice-verca and she leaves me and im bored of her ill just let it be ?

 

 

I dont think i over-pursued her perse tho , i mean she knew i was there but she was actually always paranoid that i will just leave her any second so she did some extra things sometimes to see if i still care or that i am bored of her or not , she mentioned it many times that she fears me just having enough until she pushed me to a point where i did have enough and had to leave , and most of the stuff i tried to get off her head like planning stuff etc she didint really appreciate much also im so confused honestly , like what do i do now does she even deserve a second chance ?

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ExpatInItaly

OP, has she even asked you for another chance?

 

You sound like you're over-extending yourself and tormenting yourself emotionally for someone who's not even all that interested.

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yes she made it very clear that she will wants to do this again and she will wait for me and contact her next week when everything is more calmed , i told her to not her hopes up didint want to do revenge to keep her hooked and explained to her that im to emotionally destroyed to even think about going back and i told her i just cant and she didint tell me goodbye cause she didint want this to be the end .

 

I felt that really deep even tho i didint do nothing wrong , i just felt her guilt on what she had done and i felt sorry for her in a way even tho im suffering

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You felt she was abusive and damaging you. She couldn't seem to help herself. Now that you have got to the point where you can bear it no longer and have opted out, she is contrite. I do not believe that people change fundamentally. Often they try to change bits and then lapse as soon as the pressure is taken off.

 

I doubt she will improve. It is very confusing for you because when it is good, it is good it is very good, but when it is bad it is horrid. You threw all your energy and devotion into her, even though from the sound of it, she was a friend rather than more. I think you jumped the gun a bit there. She was probably never as committed as you.

 

You were suffering to the point that you knew you needed to get out of the situation. It would be damaging to get involved with this woman again. Do not be swayed by her apparent guilt and contrition. If you get drawn back in again, you will be back where you started from.

 

Please just keep your distance, physically and emotionally, and let yourself recover. When you have been apart for some time, you will start to see things clearer, but beware the rose-coloured glasses effect which makes awful relationships seem not so bad after a week or two. Remember, it was bad and that's why you are getting out.

 

It seems you are vulnerable to putting up with more than you should in order to be with someone you feel is right for you. What are the positive qualities you want in a partner? What are the negative ones you want to avoid? Trust your feelings - if you are feeling hurt, guilty, sad, angry, in pain, then that relationship is not good for you. Please try to learn from this how to avoid someone who is just not good for you.

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Wow, Thank you so much for this , this is something i needed to hear so bad i think it did feel like she was more to me , and i seem to not matter much for her untill i broke it off and everything really hit her , and now shes seeing that i want to move on she cant bear with it .

 

And that defines what im going through right now the rose-coloured glasses effect my relationship was really bad looking at things now im on my 2'nd week and im just thinking about those few good times and our last day when she was being extra nice and telling me she cares so much just to probably get me back to get tortured more .

 

I don't know why i let myself be mistreated for that long (I was blinded by her beauty) I didin't ask much from her , just not to put pressure i mean her weaknesses i could adapt to but the mistreating , breaking promises , no mutual respect are things that just made me give up on everything , all i asked her to change is the way she talks to me and not be abusive and aggresive , and funny how on the last day she showed so much interest in my personal life i even told her that in 1 hour she showed more support and interest then in the whole time spent together .

 

I need to know my worth and not tolerate certain things , its a flaw in me i can really adapt to anything i guess which is kind of sad tbh.

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Contrition and taking responsibility for her actions is a good upfront start but she has to do more before you let her back in. She has to go to counseling to get to the bottom of her issues and she should do that voluntarily or I'd move on.

 

Words do not change behavior. She has to show you she has changed and has maintained that new attitude over a significant period of time. It should not be your job, since you are the recipient of her abuse, to fix her.

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Contrition and taking responsibility for her actions is a good upfront start but she has to do more before you let her back in. She has to go to counseling to get to the bottom of her issues and she should do that voluntarily or I'd move on.

 

Words do not change behavior. She has to show you she has changed and has maintained that new attitude over a significant period of time. It should not be your job, since you are the recipient of her abuse, to fix her.

 

Totally agree. Counseling has to be voluntary and not something to appease to win you over.

 

Actions mean more than words and definitely over a long period of time.

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Contrition and taking responsibility for her actions is a good upfront start but she has to do more before you let her back in. She has to go to counseling to get to the bottom of her issues and she should do that voluntarily or I'd move on.

 

Words do not change behavior. She has to show you she has changed and has maintained that new attitude over a significant period of time. It should not be your job, since you are the recipient of her abuse, to fix her.

 

I agree with you a lot and now shes texting and calling and crying , but im gonna meet her in 2-3 days and im gonna tell her to end it , im not ready to risk more from damaging myself i tryed to save her and drained myself in the process ... its time to focus on me again i dont have guilt or regret i tried everything in my power to not loose her but everybody has a limit after all

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