After Leaving My MW... Uncovering all the Lies

[NewHope]

I have been involved with a married woman for three years. I'm not her first affair... she has had several before me over the span of a 9 year marriage. But she has been with her husband (on and off) since she was a teenager, and claims the love is gone but the marriage is her comfort zone. She also has a child, and long story short, I think she likes to appear to the world that she has a perfect, straight, happy marriage.

 

Here's the catch - she's gay. I'm a single woman and made the mistake of getting involved because I didn't expect to fall for her. But we really connected, and fell deeply in love. I know she feels that way about me too... but she can't bring herself to make any changes in her life, even though she admits her marriage is a sham. She claims she avoids sex with her husband, but has to give in sometimes to keep him quiet and believing that the marriage is still real. I have tried everything to try to convince her to be honest, be herself, give us a chance... but all to no avail. We live in the same town and know many of the same people, but none of her friends know about her sexuality.

 

Reading through the many articles and forums, its sad to say that I see truth in all the writings that affairs are really just escapism for the cheating spouse. At the end of the day, they can have their cake and eat it too - the stability and social normality of their marriage, the excitement and thrill of an affair, and frankly in my case, she fulfills her sexuality and gets a ton of adventure and financial perks that she would never get at home. It leaves me feeling high during the good times, but then used and discarded when she has to quickly hang up the phone or avoid me because her husband is lurking around. The crazy thing is that I am a very successful, strong, independent person, and her husband is really (sorry to say) a totally uneducated underemployed loser who just lives off of her and doesn't even seem to really love her. I find myself so frustrated that I keep coming in second to someone like that... in a million years there is really no comparison between the two of us in any other forum. And I know there is no comparison between the relationships.

 

All this is just background of my journey I guess, but the "good news" is that I finally found the courage to call it off recently. I came to the point of feeling that if she won't leave him for me, then at least I want to be able to leave the relationship with some of my dignity left intact. The hard part - like many of you have written - is that its so difficult to break the addiction. I know she will start flooding my phone soon with love notes and sweet songs, and telling me that I am the most important thing in her life... and I am so scared I will fall back into the same trap all over again. Does anyone have any tips as to how they have broken the cycle? Is it always a NC situation... how do you deal with them when they profess so much love... where do you find the strength to hold your position?

 

Thanks everyone, and love and blessings to you all.

[S2B]

You block them on your phone and email and never look back.

 

That’s how you can strength and courage.

 

Start dating someone new - who’s single.

[Turning point]

Saying that you sometimes feel used and discarded is not enough. Some day you'll see this for what it truly is.

 

The person you describe is HORRIBLE! She lies, cheats, uses, manipulates, and pretends to EVERYONE who comes in contact with her. What ever led you to believe that she is so true to you when you can clearly see how hard she works at deceiving everyone else?

 

She uses you, discards you, then manipulates your desire to be loved such that the cycle repeats over and over. What part of this appears as anything other than toxic? If you stop looking at the sugar coat and sprinkles you'll see that the underlying "treat" you are hooked on is a cycle of abuse and growing codependency.

 

Consider the possibility that you have misjudged her husband - and that what you call a loser is actually a person who has shut down and lives in a fortress of his own making in response to his long term entanglement with a toxic wife. This could be you years down the road if you continue with this woman.

 

Yes, you're right - she is getting exactly want she wants at your expense and you are finally beginning to realize just how phony she really is. "Gay" is probably not the relevant description of her.

 

Rather than cry over this as "lost love" - be grateful that you may well dodge this bullet. Kudos for coming out of the fog.

Edited July 17, 2019 by Turning point

[FMW]

Also, remember that she is hiding you on two fronts - both because she's married, and also because she doesn't want to admit her sexual identity.

 

Stay strong and don't allow her to disrespect you any longer. Being hidden and marginalized will do serious damage to your self esteem and make it more difficult to be ready for the right person for you.

[NewHope]

Hi everyone, I just wanted to provide an update to my earlier post about finally leaving my MW, after a 2 year hidden affair. She is married to a man, but secretly gay, and I was the side piece. I was looking for advice on staying strong after the break-up, because I knew she would come back to me begging and pleading, and historically I had always caved into her. This time, I wanted it to be different.

 

Sure enough, after I left, she turned on the charm as I had expected. She sent me endless texts and songs about her never-ending love for me, and pleaded with me to stand by her through these "changes" she was going through. She kept saying I was the only love of her life, she had made so many changes for me and wanted a future with me, that I had "almost all of her", but I was just wanting too much, too fast. When I pressed her on her timing, it was like trying to grab smoke. But of course these married folks know how to say what we want to hear, and its so easy to fall back into the trap. It almost killed me emotionally, but I (mostly) held strong.

 

As the pressure mounted, new arguments entailed. New topics were covered, and in the midst of it all, I accidentally stumbled over her husband's criminal past. I was shocked, the crimes were not violent but very serious and he had spent time in jail. She had been lying to me about it for years. I had always known he was not exactly the world's most productive citizen, but I was still horrified at the discovery. But it was the bucket of cold water that I desperately needed. When I confronted her, she had excuses of course... the most convincing ones being that she couldn't tell me because she knew I would have left, and they were not her mistakes but her husband's. He had been young, it was before she married him, and she knew she had made a mistake by staying with him after finding out about the record herself.

 

It was an eye-opening moment for me for several reasons, and I wanted to share in case it helps anyone else gain some perspective. First of all, this was a woman who I loved dearly. I am an educated professional, and I think a very intuitive person, and I like to think I can sense when someone is being genuine with me. This woman spoke to me in those same soft tender tones that many of you have experienced with your MM/MW.. she said all the right things, made all the right promises.. touched me very deeply and made me believe we had a future together. I still think she has a good heart in many ways, she was just looking for that "missing something" herself too... but she was a liar. Everyone (including on this forum) asked me, if she will lie to her husband that way, why wouldn't she lie to you too? But somehow we feel we are going to be the exception to that rule... because there are "good reasons" they are lying to their spouses, but they wouldn't do that to us right? Wrong. I am here to tell you that someone who lies like that, will indeed lie to you - and probably already has been doing so. It doesn't mean they aren't genuine in those tender moments and in the love they profess for you, it just means they take the easy way out whenever the going gets tough.

 

The second reason that discovery was so pivotal to me was very ironic - it brought me a great deal of closure and peace. When she told me she hadn't left this guy even though she knew she should have, there wasn't a lot I could say to that. Because the truth is that most of us have stayed in relationships for "love" at one time or another, when the situation was bad and the textbook answer would have been to walk away. After all, I have been dating a married woman myself... not exactly a crime, but not a stellar choice either. It made me realize that she and I are not all that different... and that in fact she stays with him likely for many of the same reasons I stayed with her. Hope, security, comfort, acceptance... and sometimes its just the easier thing to do than to expose ourselves to the emotional turmoil of leaving and making those hard changes. In a strange way, her staying with him all of a sudden seemed understandable to me, and I could accept it. It makes no logical sense, but the human psyche is so complex... we do things for reasons that sometimes we don't even ourselves understand. And all of a sudden I had a real clarity that I had broken out of that fog, and that I wasn't trapped the same way she was anymore. It brought a sense of freedom and hope to a situation that had really tested me, and that I had struggled with deeply for some time.

 

Every situation is a different one of course, but I thought I would share the story in case it can help anyone else out there. I wish you all the best.. stay strong xxoo

[heartwhole2]

I still think she has a good heart in many ways, she was just looking for that "missing something" herself too... but she was a liar. Everyone (including on this forum) asked me, if she will lie to her husband that way, why wouldn't she lie to you too? But somehow we feel we are going to be the exception to that rule... because there are "good reasons" they are lying to their spouses, but they wouldn't do that to us right? Wrong. I am here to tell you that someone who lies like that, will indeed lie to you - and probably already has been doing so. It doesn't mean they aren't genuine in those tender moments and in the love they profess for you, it just means they take the easy way out whenever the going gets tough.

 

The second reason that discovery was so pivotal to me was very ironic - it brought me a great deal of closure and peace. When she told me she hadn't left this guy even though she knew she should have, there wasn't a lot I could say to that. Because the truth is that most of us have stayed in relationships for "love" at one time or another, when the situation was bad and the textbook answer would have been to walk away. After all, I have been dating a married woman myself... not exactly a crime, but not a stellar choice either. It made me realize that she and I are not all that different... and that in fact she stays with him likely for many of the same reasons I stayed with her. Hope, security, comfort, acceptance... and sometimes its just the easier thing to do than to expose ourselves to the emotional turmoil of leaving and making those hard changes.

 

I think this is all very insightful, and it rings true for me of what I know about affairs.

 

I'm glad you are feeling free and hopeful, and are taking the time to look deep inside and make changes. That's what life is all about.

[DKT3]

What possible reason could she have to stay with him if it isnt love? Or at least her idea of love

[jenc]

DKT3, could be a case of ostrich syndrome... ie. If I just bury my head and find satisfaction elsewhere, I can carry on... but it doesn't make logical sense.

Edited August 21, 2019 by jenc
Typo

[elaine567]

It makes perfect sense. She is with her first love, the father of her child. She is in there I guess for life, hell or high water.

But she also likes women.

She is happy in an affair, her needs are met and the boat is not rocked.

That is until the OP rocked it by wanting "more".

It is great fun future faking, but in reality, she always no doubt knew - not in this life...

She is going to leave her husband and life for a woman???

NO way.

[DKT3]

I think elaine just won the post of this thread award. I believe she is right on the money. This woman has no intention of leaving her husband, she is where she wants to be. But, she has an attraction for women, not necessarily gay more likely bi. For some reason people automatically assume someone married to the opposite sex but messing around with same sex on the side is gay. Some people are simply sexually fluid.

 

I would bet her multiple lovers are all women, why? Because her husband is likely the man she wants and has no intention of giving him up.

[NewHope]

Thanks for your feedback everyone, always interesting to hear different perspectives. Of course I understand you only have a few paragraphs to go on, so just to clarify, I'm confident she is indeed gay (long other story there, but there's no question). And her husband is certainly not her true love, its a passionless and empty relationship, not even to the level of a friendship I would say. So the scenario of "gay person stuck in a straight marriage" is indeed a part of this. Or maybe more accurately, "gay person who feels safer hiding it behind a marriage". Either way, its soul destroying to have to pretend you're someone you're not, so her situation is a sad one.

 

The sexuality question is an additional twist in my scenario, but I just really provided it to add some context. I think the real common thread in most of these affairs is that these MM/MW's are desperately missing passion/love in their married lives (and my personal belief is that without sexual attraction, you cannot really be "in love" with someone... so that's just an additional driver when that is missing too). Gay or straight, the real question is the same - why would someone stay in an unfulfilling marriage where there is no love/attraction. And in addition to my earlier litany of reasons, upon reflection (and some of these comments), I think I would also add fear of judgement.

 

So all to say that the takeaway for me, and maybe for some of you too, is that the love you shared with this person was likely real for them. Many commenters on here seem to say "its not real love" or "they never wanted you"... I don't believe that is really true in many cases. These partners risked a great deal to be with you, so their feelings for you were likely very genuine. I just share the thought in hopes that it may bring some comfort.. like I said, every situation is different. But they aren't necessarily the monsters they're sometimes made out to be. I think they are often really struggling too, maybe even more than the OW/OM. Because at least we have the option of walking away from our frustrations without all the entanglements.

[S2B]

When you no longer care... that’s when you start feeling better.

 

It’s not your relationship... stop inserting yourself into another person’s relationship.

 

Why should you care at this point? It’s over, right?

 

Get professional help if you can’t seem to get past it ending.

[mark clemson]

... in the midst of it all, I accidentally stumbled over her husband's criminal past. I was shocked, the crimes were not violent but very serious and he had spent time in jail. She had been lying to me about it for years. I had always known he was not exactly the world's most productive citizen, but I was still horrified at the discovery. But it was the bucket of cold water that I desperately needed...

 

...It was an eye-opening moment for me for several reasons...

 

 

I think many OM/OWs spend months and sometimes years getting to "closure". Most people's brains simply don't shut off the feelings on a short timeline. So, if the above helped you move on and gain closure you should count it as a blessing. I ended up feeling it was a blessing in disguise when my (E)AP turned cold and passive-aggressive at the end...

[DKT3]

Truth is, if they truly love you or not is irrelevant, they are not willing to make the decisions to really show that love. Is the reason why all that important?

 

This is her truth through your eyes. Passionless, empty is what she wants you to see. That doesn't make it accurate for her actual life with her husband. Cheaters lie, for whatever reason the person (s) they are cheating with seem to believe that is only true to others.

 

When you say, he is not the love of her life how do you know that? Let me guess, she told you, right? Smartest move possible is believing actions over word.

 

The reason why posters here are saying what they are saying is affair almost always follow a pattern. In your situation you have said nothing that veers from that path.

 

Ultimately her decision is to stay married to her husband, whatever excuse you might make doesn't change that. If you want to believe you share a great love, that she is truly gay and not bi or playing around, if you want to believe she is STUCK, the bottom line is she is with him. Does anything you want to believe really matter ?

[NewHope]

DKT3, there's a lot I could write to explain how I know what I do, but I don't think it's all that helpful to anyone other than myself and her. Every relationship/person is different, and different people will be aware of different things and ultimately find closure in their own way. I share my experience for what it is - a pretty unique situation, but from which some broader comforts might be drawn.

 

Mark Clemson, I feel you. It wasn't a quick resolution for me either. And often I had wished she would turn nasty, because it would've made it easier to walk away. I'm glad you found your closure too, and I'm sure you're better off than with a passive-aggressive partner in the end. All the best to you and everyone else who responded, I know its a real struggle for everyone involved. I hope you all find resolution in your own way. xo

[DKT3]

Unfortunately your story is not unique. About a year ago we had someone post the exact same situation. Affair with a woman, was with her husband for a long time she was confident she was gay the whole thing. Its more common then you may believe.

 

My point is, how does any of that matter? She chose to stay with him. Beating yourself up with trying to figure her reasoning will only keep you stuck longer. She made the decision she made now it's time for you to move on. Play this mental gymnastics and you will remain open to her walking in and out of your life. You deserve better, but you have to see it and her for what it and she really is, that is someone who says one thing and her actions dont match. Believe her actions. As long as you ignore her actions and romanticize her words you are there for her to continue to hurt you.