After my bf of 4 yrs cheated multiple times, I am living with him out of convenience

[Californiamom]

I am a single mom of 2 kids, almost 15 and almost 20. My eldest is living with us 1 more year to save while he is enrolled in college here in L.A. My daughter just started 9th grade in high school. Their bio dad does help, although intermittently, and I can't rely on him.

I make a pretty good salary, definitely more than my boyfriend of 4 years. I buy about 90% of the household food, pay all the bills(gas, electric, trash, etc), pay my car (which he uses occasionally) and $200 more in rent each month. We live in Beverly Hills because I need to send my high schooler to school in a top district. This is how we are living.

 

I thought in the beginning my bf and I definitely had a future. I won't get into the details of the cheating in this post, but he has cheated more than 5 times with different people, and assuming at this point, even some I don't even know about. That blindsided me because it was like a domino effect of just finding out more and more about really him being a person I didn't even know. What I thought we had was clearly a farce. NEVER thought he was this type of guy. But turns out he is.

 

If I were without children, I would have left him after the first time he cheated, no question. But here I am, in a $4500 a month 3 bedroom house lease we are both on, ONLY because I need my daughter to finish these last 4 years in my town that I can't afford on my own. I need the $2k he contributes to rent each month (albeit late) My house is cheap for where we live, so no, I can't downsize to do it on my own. No, I can't move. My job is here. Too many factors keeping me here.

 

My bf is now sober in AA and a totallyyyy different person than he was when he was cheating...he now is constantly asking to get married, and now I'm the one on the fence. I would have married him undoubtably before his mask slipped off and I thought he was monogamous and loved me. I am sorry...if you cheat and live a double life, it isn't love.

I find him extremely physically attractive, but since I know the real him, I am disgusted by sex with him, so honestly only have sex about every 6-8 weeks when I really need it. I brush him off a lot and say I am tired/etc/whatever.

I'm not sure what my direct question is other than how do I endure this? Moving out of BH is not an option, my youngest bounced schools prior to this a lot of times due to my ex husband moving a lot. Ex is now out of state, so using his address not an option. I also feel though that I am wasting my life with him though. I don't mean so I can be with anyone else, but just my integrity. On the surface to the kids, we definitely appear happy. We broke up over last summer and both kids were upset and had no idea why. I am sure my (bad) choice to stay doesn't effect them, they are unaware, and we don't fight.

 

After reading this, does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? I still can't believe this is how my life panned out.

[Flame Aura]

I'm assuming you have already broken up with him, so you stay as housemates only until the tenancy finishes then one or both of you move out.

 

 

My first choice would have been either you or him move out but as you are insistent that is not an option, I don't see what else you can do apart from carry in living together just until your tenancy finishes.

[preraph]

If you're determined not to make any changes, there's no magic wand will help you, but I can assure you that if you continue not having sex, even if you don't want to make a change, he WILL, so I don't think you get to just keep the status quo here. I think that's out of your hands.

 

If you're not making enough money to live in Beverly Hills, obviously you need a better job or to move out of Beverly Hills because relying on a man to fill that gap is no plan at all.

 

Maybe you need to start looking for a female roommate, another mom, to move in with you, but you better vet her to be sure she can afford her half.

[elaine567]

Seems to me you stay until the 4 years of your daughters schooling is finished. But what about further education?

If you get a promotion and a payrise that would help... and may allow you to ditch him sooner.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Sounds to me like you don't want to leave him and are justifying it with excuses. There are always other options, like getting a housemate.

[Californiamom]

If you get a promotion and a payrise that would help... and may allow you to ditch him sooner.

 

No, I won't get a promotion. I actually took a 20k paycut to move to L.A. and work from home. We were all in NYC prior to this.

I could have done it on my own in NY. It's much easier there to hustle.

I moved here (with bf and daughter)and found out shortly thereafter an absolute relationship dealbreaker that had happened in NY 15 months ago.

So what we were trying to "work through" is entirely impossible for me.

[Californiamom]

Sounds to me like you don't want to leave him and are justifying it with excuses. There are always other options, like getting a housemate.

 

You could be right? Although all I do is think about being without him. I think I am in shock still of all he has done and how I allow(ed) it.

[BettyDraper]

You could be right? Although all I do is think about being without him. I think I am in shock still of all he has done and how I allow(ed) it.

 

If you want to stay then do so. Just be aware of the risk you're taking.

If you ultimately don't want to stay, then start getting your ducks in a row to leave.

 

Are you trying to give yourself permission to leave or stay?

[Californiamom]

Are you trying to give yourself permission to leave or stay?

 

I guess it could come down to, I don't want to disrupt my daughter's life with a break up, and I am scared to be 100% financially responsible for the home. I am shattered to have wasted 4 years of my life (divorced at 43 y.o, my bf is 35) with someone who is a liar. I don't subscribe to "it's not ok to be insecure" I am self aware I have insecurity. I think it is understandable and OK. After you learn of infidelity, how can you get your self confidence back when you were living a lie? If I knew I was in an open relationship then that's my problem. But I didn't. I subjected my life, and more importantly, my kids lives into this a*ssclown. It's almost like the thread below this one where the guy found out his wife slept with his brother. A few people on that thread are basically calling him out for being insecure so to speak. Of course he's insecure. It's human nature. Everyone expects you to be at freaking Beyonce levels these days...and if youre not, suck it up! He just found out his WIFE boinked his BROTHER. I mean reallyyyyy!

I guess I now feel like an a*sshole pretending I do want a future with this guy. All because I need him. I don't want him. I want what I thought we had. No one in their right mind would stay with him if I listed the reasons why I wouldn't marry him.

[Beendaredonedat]

Well, you're clearly not going to leave him because you are using him for his half of the rent so the only thing left for you to do is to accept and resign to live with what you've found out he is in a more happy (accepting) state of mind. It is what it is so to speak.

 

I do find it ironic though that you are so unhappy with him because you've found out what a cheater he is that you don't have much sex with him (understandable)which will likely lead him to seek it outside your partnership yet again.

 

If you're going to stay then learn to accept and if you can't do that on your own, then get yourself into therapy to help you learn how to accept what you are bound and determined to remain in.

 

Good luck.

 

P.S. Next time he pushes to get married tell him you wouldn't even think about it until he gets himself into a sex addiction therapy and graduates with honours. (half kidding)

Edited August 21, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[BaileyB]

The day that my parents would have paid that much in rent, because I needed to go to school in Beverly Hills, and stayed in an unhappy relationship to pay for a school that they clearly couldn’t afford would have been... never.

 

My parents love me and they supported me and guided me to become a mature, productive, and very successful adult. I just can’t ever imagine that this would even be an option in my family...

 

But since you are unwilling to make any changes, it sounds like you are in it for the long haul... good luck.

[Californiamom]

The day that my parents would have paid that much in rent, because I needed to go to school in Beverly Hills, and stayed in an unhappy relationship to pay for a school that they clearly couldn’t afford would have been... never.

 

My parents love me and they supported me and guided me to become a mature, productive, and very successful adult. I just can’t ever imagine that this would even be an option in my family...

 

But since you are unwilling to make any changes, it sounds like you are in it for the long haul... good luck.

 

Honestly I know it sounds like a lot of rent. It is. But when you're coming from New York City, this is kind of the norm. I don't "have to" send my daughter to high school in Beverly Hills. It's not like that. I would have moved somewhere cheaper with a good school had I known I'd been alone. I would have stayed in NYC probably. There's great public schools there. And everything would have been fine...however that's not the case. I found out after I moved something that is a deal breaker for me. Now I feel like I am stuck playing "house" with this guy.

[Californiamom]

I do find it ironic though that you are so unhappy with him because you've found out what a cheater he is that you don't have much sex with him (understandable)which will likely lead him to seek it outside your partnership yet again.

 

Tbh, I feel like this is what I want. Before when he cheated he was an extreme alcoholic, He wasn't in recovery at all, I was really blind to all of it because it happened so quickly. As soon as I found something out, I would find something else out. I almost want him to cheat now sober so I know this is who he really is and I can end it, I can find a way to make it all work. Now I feel like he is truly in R. Only I'm not there with him if that makes sense. It's too late.

[BaileyB]

Honestly I know it sounds like a lot of rent. It is. But when you're coming from New York City, this isn’t s kind of the norm.

 

I believe that is the norm for BH. It’s just difficult to comprehend, considering I live in a lovely home and the mortgage is 1/5 that amount. I can’t imagine a monthly payment that high. I don’t know how people do it.

 

I found out after I moved something that is a deal breaker for me. Now I feel like I am stuck playing "house" with this guy.

 

I can appreciate that - it’s not fair at all that he did that to you. But, now you are stuck or you have to get creative find another solution... that’s the sad reality of the situation. I wish you well.

[Beendaredonedat]

Tbh, I feel like this is what I want. Before when he cheated he was an extreme alcoholic, He wasn't in recovery at all, I was really blind to all of it because it happened so quickly. As soon as I found something out, I would find something else out. I almost want him to cheat now sober so I know this is who he really is and I can end it, I can find a way to make it all work. Now I feel like he is truly in R. Only I'm not there with him if that makes sense. It's too late.

 

Odds are high that you won't have to wait long for him to cheat again. He's chronic at it and he really should be in a recovery program for sexaholics as well as alcoholics it would seem.

 

Hun: You can find a way to make it work if you leave him now. You don't have to have anymore proof. I'm saying this with kindness... you would do well to look into codependency with a therapist proficient in the issue. Or... go to some Alanon meetings to help you cope if you decide to stay and grind it out. Alanon is for the relatives and loved ones of the alcoholic.

 

I wish you luck going forth no matter what your choice(s).

[Mr. Lucky]

Now I feel like I am stuck playing "house" with this guy.

 

If you stopped having sex with him, would he leave?

 

Because were it me, I'd almost rather pay monthly for him to visit a "professional" than sleep with him myself under the circumstances you describe. Otherwise, you're basically trading services for half the rent and some grocery money, not the most savory of propositions. I'd also guess your daughters are more clued into this situation than you think they are.

 

Platonic roommates out of convenience if it works for all of you? Sure...

 

Anything more than that seems beneath an intelligent, thoughtful person like yourself...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BTDT2012]

I found out after I moved something that is a deal breaker for me.

If its truly a dealbreaker, you will end the relationship, and find a place that you can afford on your own or find a house sharing arrangement.

[mark clemson]

Now I feel like he is truly in R. Only I'm not there with him if that makes sense. It's too late.

 

 

It makes perfect sense, given what you describe. I suspect you'll move on from him once you figure out a way forward.

[preraph]

I don't know how to break it to you, but there's a whole lot of places to live besides NYC and Beverly Hills where you can make less money and live BETTER and be in better schools who will help teach your kids a way to survive other than marrying someone rich.

[serialgf]

Californiamom,

You sound really smart and reasonable and I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Here are my literal 2 cents:

 

1. Have you all been to couples’ counseling about this? Your Bf made a huge change by stopping drinking (I’ve had a history with AA/rehab) and so of course it’s hard for us all to know whether he “truly” has changed or is just an awful cheating mofo through and through (which is what you say you might darkly “hope for” but really (as I’m sure you know, you’re smart) is you projecting your insecurities, which is totally VALID (even for Beyoncé) and this why I would advise you to at the very least work this out with an individual therapist but maybe consider couples counseling even if you are checked out of the relationship

 

2. You are really hurting and at the risk of doing some amateur shrink work, it sounds like you are diverting from your very real and sad pain by making it about money or “taking one for the team (your daughter)” as it were. I say this lovingly but cut the sh*t, you love him, you wanted to marry him, he hurt you horribly, that sucks, and you’re hurt and sad. You wish it had never happened but it did. You still love him and are making up excuses for staying in a financially unwise situation. You know you’re doing this. My advice is to FOCUS ON YOURSELF. Exercise, go to therapy, figure out what you really want and then ONLY after you have done all that, then you will be in a better place to deal with him. You’re not going to kick him out or change your living situation so your best option is to address your own issues within this situation.

 

Good luck!