How do you lower your standards while also dating people you are attracted to?

[HiCrunchy]

So...people give this advice a lot:

Dont date someone if you arent attracted to them. But then also tell someone to lower their standards in dating appearances if they want to get a date.

 

If I lower my standards then I'm moving away from what I find attracted to and settling for something that I am not, right? But this is bad because dating someone if u arent attracted to them is cruel.

 

How do u balance the two?

[alphamale]

when dating you must look at the entire package vs. just looks or just personality. pick the 1 or 2 things that are MOST important to you in a partner and forget about their other qualities.

[basil67]

Let me turn it around: You find a guy who's great to look at and this makes you attracted to him. Then he gets old. Hair falls out, bits sag, his nose keeps growing and he's no longer as pretty as he used to be. Will you stop being attracted to him and leave? Or will you still be attracted to him because of who he is....not what he looks like?

[Lotsgoingon]

Lower your standards, perhaps for a first date ... for meeting people. For going out once with people ... because you can become attracted to someone who on first glance doesn't appear to be your type.

 

But ... to back up ... who is telling you this? ... Might be that they are saying nothing of use to you. Some folks who say that are in so-so relationships.

[chillii]

l suppose first of all might be what you find attractive doesn't necessarily mean you can match that yourself , women often talk ridiculous expectations compared.

So ya gotta take a good look in the mirror and also a bit of self reflection too first of all.

There must be a reason or you wouldn't have too, maybe you've been shooting unrealistically.

[HiCrunchy]

Lower your standards, perhaps for a first date ... for meeting people. For going out once with people ... because you can become attracted to someone who on first glance doesn't appear to be your type.

 

But ... to back up ... who is telling you this? ... Might be that they are saying nothing of use to you. Some folks who say that are in so-so relationships.

 

No one is telling me anything. Just something I was thinking about.

Based on the advice I got here, I've been trying to be more open and have been dating men that aren't my type and I'm neutral towards, to see if I get chemistry in person. I've had a lot of first dates.

 

Idk what to do if I am honest. Dates are feeling more and more like chore.

[HiCrunchy]

l suppose first of all might be what you find attractive doesn't necessarily mean you can match that yourself , women often talk ridiculous expectations compared.

So ya gotta take a good look in the mirror and also a bit of self reflection too first of all.

There must be a reason or you wouldn't have too, maybe you've been shooting unrealistically.

 

How do you know if you are being too unrealistic?

 

Like, for example, I went out with 2 "models" for first dates. Both wanted to keep seeing me.

 

1. Was nice, but we didn't vibe in terms of our conversations. Ghosted me and randomly texted me months later. Legit forgot about him. He wanted to date me again and I told him we could be friends.

2. Narcissistic, gaslighted me and sexually very high maintenance. I had to ghost him, he wouldn't stop arguing with me by phone when I "dumped" him.

 

These are guys that are so hot they could have whoever they want, but they wanted to date me exclusively. Now, I didn't even kiss either of them because of their personalities and didn't see them as bf material either. They weren't my type both in personality and looks.

 

I've also had less conventionally attractive men try to make me their fwb and don't want a gf.

 

Honestly, I am not sure what to do anymore. I am craving an emotional connection and intimacy. And first dates are becoming a chore.

[BaileyB]

On thing that helped me when I was dating was to simply remember that nobody is perfect. There are things that are really important to you, and then a whole bunch of other stuff that doesn’t matter. Don’t get too hung up looking for “the perfect partner.”

 

As Dr. Phil used to say - find somebody who has 80% of what you hope to find in a partner. As long as that person has the stuff that is “most important,” there is other stuff that you can let go... Nobody ticks every box.

 

And as my mam used to tell me, because it’s really true... when you meet the right guy, you will just know it... trust me.

Edited August 22, 2019 by BaileyB

[HiCrunchy]

On thing that helped me when I was dating was to simply remember that nobody is perfect. There are things that are really important to you, and then a whole bunch of other stuff that doesn’t matter. Don’t get too hung up looking for “the perfect partner.”

 

As Dr. Phil used to say - find somebody who has 80% of what you hope to find in a partner. As long as that person has the stuff that is “most important,” there is other stuff that you can let go... Nobody ticks every box.

 

And as my mam used to tell me, because it’s really true... when you meet the right guy, you will just know it... trust me.

 

I did have someone like that once. Wasnt perfect but pretty close. Ticked off almost every box.....God I'm depressed.

 

Dating since Jan and nothing even comes close to giving me those feelings or even that instant attraction.

[chillii]

How do you know if you are being too unrealistic?

 

Like, for example, I went out with 2 "models" for first dates. Both wanted to keep seeing me.

 

1. Was nice, but we didn't vibe in terms of our conversations. Ghosted me and randomly texted me months later. Legit forgot about him. He wanted to date me again and I told him we could be friends.

2. Narcissistic, gaslighted me and sexually very high maintenance. I had to ghost him, he wouldn't stop arguing with me by phone when I "dumped" him.

 

These are guys that are so hot they could have whoever they want, but they wanted to date me exclusively. Now, I didn't even kiss either of them because of their personalities and didn't see them as bf material either. They weren't my type both in personality and looks.

 

I've also had less conventionally attractive men try to make me their fwb and don't want a gf.

 

Honestly, I am not sure what to do anymore. I am craving an emotional connection and intimacy. And first dates are becoming a chore.

 

 

 

 

Yeah right , oh well that's good sounds like ya got that part of things covered .

Personally l'd looked for things in common and like mindedness before l even bothered meeting someone, which for me was a good thing actually about the date site l went on , because they talked about themselves right there. So out of 100s of maybes, l only actually bothered with 4 and l only bothered meeting two of those , live with one now.

And l liked a few chats over the phone before even bothering to meet too , if you don't click on the phone or hopefully far better than just a click like me and my gf, then you probably wasting your time meeting them.

So for me anyway , l trimmed out all the crap before l even left home, which seems to be different to the way everyone else round here does things but hey works for me.

l was the same even back before l was married , very selective and didn't even bother with 99% of girls ld meet even back then , RL no date sites back then haha.

So to my mind , it's always been about selection.

Know yourself know what you want and what makes you happy , and go after that, forget the rest.

But alas, like l say , they seem to do things differently round here buttttt, maybe give that a go.

[snowcones]

Studies have shown that generally people tend to partner up with those who are of equal attractiveness. I believe this to be the best way that things work out really. So go for someone who is of equal attractiveness as yourself. (and yes you have to like them as a person too)

[Eternal Sunshine]

You are not desparate enough. When you reach that level, your mind will trick you into being attracted to almost everyone.

[basil67]

Of the two guys you described, what made you think each would be a good candidate for dating?

[schlumpy]

But this is bad because dating someone if u arent attracted to them is cruel.

 

Not if you are upfront that it's just a casual date like a movie. The idea is to get into the dating scene and have other women you do find attractive understand that you are available and fun to be with. Your casual dates will talk. Just make sure the talk is positive.

 

I had a friend who would approach a group of women and talk with the least attractive of the group. I'll be damned if he didn't end up with the more attractive one. I'm not sure it worked for him every time but it worked well enough that it was in his dating tool kit.

[Curiousroxy86]

And l liked a few chats over the phone before even bothering to meet too , if you don't click on the phone or hopefully far better than just a click like me and my gf, then you probably wasting your time meeting them.

So for me anyway , l trimmed out all the crap before l even left home, which seems to be different to the way everyone else round here does things but hey works for me.

 

im the same way chili. that phone call before the first date determines if I go on that first date. and in my experience a great phone call usually led to a great first date to relationship.

[Curiousroxy86]

hi crunchy I know exactly what you mean

 

dating tends to suck when there is no one that you like at the moment

 

but being single is a default setting and you have to find a way to embrace it/enjoy it/accept it until you meet someone worth leaving your single life for

 

honestly I think people over think it and at one time I did too

 

you want to meet people but let go of the outcome. be mindful as far as important qualities you look for. you want to date people you find attractive enough. you dont have to make yourself date people you find grotesque if you dont want to. however what you dont do is give the hot person a pass for being hot and ignore the fact that they dont have those important qualities you look for. you also dont have to grit your teeth and pretend you like someone when they may have the qualities you look for but you feel zero attraction and want to throw up in your mouth when they try to kiss you.

 

you can decide to choose someone you like enough AND have those key important qualities. however I personally dont recommend only dating people who are super hot though (9s and 10s). I would say "be open" to talking to and possibly going on a first date with average people along with hot people and see who you actually click with. the average person you may end up finding extremely attractive when you talk to and go on the date or you may not feel it with that person. same for the hot person. and thats okay. if you dont want "ugly" dont date ugly. but give above ugly which is average and hot a chance to see who you naturally click with and want to see again AND who is GOOD for you.

 

because thats whats actually going to happen. you will organically want to continue spending time with a person. that part you dont have to think about and obssess about. however what you do have to make sure that you do is be mindful of who the heck this person is that your "clicking" with or have feelings for because that part is not exactly organic. whats natural to do is ignore red flags of someone you like which isnt good lol. you have to make yourself pay attention to red flags and let go of people who are bad and keep people who are good. because if you are led by the natural process alone of chemistry and being all googly eyed you can find yourself clicking with and trying to stay with someone who is not good for you.

 

so on purpose give many people a chance thats atleast above "ugly". allow a natural "want to" or "click" to happen. but at the same time from the moment you meet to the time you continue to see a person and get to know them catch the red flags and cut the people who show you they wont be good partners until your left with someone who is right for you. you can filter out ugly. but do filter out bad qualities too please.

 

that may mean being single longer. but the alternative would be to take the hot person and deal with the horrible flaws they may have. or take the ugly person or doesnt have to be ugly but maybe the person you just dont really feel it with and try to make yourself be active in the relationship even though they may be a great person quality wise. if those are alternatives you want to take your chance with because you just tired of being alone and think you wont be able to find attractive enough and good for you well go ahead and choose the alternative. people do also routinely compromise/settle in those areas too. you just have to pick and choose how to get your piece of happy and be up front if it really makes you happy. some people settle for good looks at all costs and deal with bad qualities. some people settle for great qualities at all costs and deal with ugly. some people choose not to settle and require both attractive enough and good enough and deal with being single longer lol.

 

but I dont think its something you necessarily have to think about and obsess. people who choose to compromise in one area naturally are okay with the compromises they make or at the least they are not willing to let go of the compromise they make if the alternative is worse in their eyes. people who are fine dating ugly people normally have made peace with it. people who cant date ugly but also want important qualities have to make peace with being single since they cant necessarily snap their fingers and find the person they want lol.

 

good luck

[mark clemson]

Let me turn it around: You find a guy who's great to look at and this makes you attracted to him. Then he gets old. Hair falls out, bits sag, his nose keeps growing and he's no longer as pretty as he used to be.

???

 

10 char

[chillii]

Mind you , l'd like to add though that l know it isn't easy and admittedly l did get lucky .

The first time l went on a date site was after my marriage and that time, was a different story. l met quite a few ladies but it seemed hopeless, in person there was just nothing there, got no where.

l left it in disgust after a few months.

On the other hand, this time when l went on it, l was just looking really, didn't expect anything , but at the same time l also did start getting a bit of a feeling there was someone in there for me and so l went with that.

 

Things aren't easy at the best of times in love, so much of it seems to come down to a bit of luck and right place right time type thing.

[crispytoast]

Instead of lowering your standards for a partner, raise the standards for yourself. If you're not getting what you want, what do you need to get there?

[GuitarGuy7]

I think instead of focusing primarily on looks for finding a partner, you should instead focus on finding a man who you are compatible with emotionally, personality wise, interest wise, and someone who seems safe and has their life together.

 

 

As for looks, i'm not saying you should date someone you don't find physically attractive at all, but you should consider men who may not be your physical ideal if they're someone you connect with emotionally. Basically, there are three categories that you place men in when it comes to looks. There are the men who you don't find physically attractive at all and would probably never date, then on the other side there are men who are your physical type and who you are immediately attracted to. But there's also a third category called the neutral zone, these are the men who you may not consider ugly but they arne't guys who are initially on your looks radar either. I think instead of only going for men who you are initially attracted to, you should also consider giving men in the neutral zone a chance as well. It will open many more options for you in finding a man who you actually connect with.

[Mysterio]

My standards physically are pretty in the face. Body fit or leaning towards being fit. Treats me well and affectionate.

 

I think my standards are fair.

[HiCrunchy]

I think instead of focusing primarily on looks for finding a partner, you should instead focus on finding a man who you are compatible with emotionally, personality wise, interest wise, and someone who seems safe and has their life together.

 

 

As for looks, i'm not saying you should date someone you don't find physically attractive at all, but you should consider men who may not be your physical ideal if they're someone you connect with emotionally. Basically, there are three categories that you place men in when it comes to looks. There are the men who you don't find physically attractive at all and would probably never date, then on the other side there are men who are your physical type and who you are immediately attracted to. But there's also a third category called the neutral zone, these are the men who you may not consider ugly but they arne't guys who are initially on your looks radar either. I think instead of only going for men who you are initially attracted to, you should also consider giving men in the neutral zone a chance as well. It will open many more options for you in finding a man who you actually connect with.

 

That's what I've been doing. Many first dates with neutral dudes. Not my type physically but ok. I havent gone a date with someone I consider unattractive.

When I say not attracted to, I don't mean they r ugly. Most people to me arent ugly, they just are.

 

Then I go on a date with neutral dudes. Feel "meh" even with good convo, it's basic chit chat u have with any stranger. And when they wanna have sex it's even harder cuz that immediate attraction isnt there to even make that possible. And those dudes most likely dont wait around while falling for their other attributes.

 

It feels like I'm stuck between a rock and hard place.

The last guy I went out with, I think I convinced my self I really liked because in my head I think he was "good enough for now". So I tried to make myself get those feelings. He dumped me because he didnt want a gf and said it felt "forced". He is probably right. I might have made him feel bad in the process....reflecting on my actions now. Sigh

[Mr. Lucky]

Then I go on a date with neutral dudes.

 

Let me first say, having been married a long time, I'm not the target demographic.

 

But don't people have friends any more?

 

I always had a group, both male and female buddies, neighbors and acquaintances, that I could hang out with in the lulls between relationships. So I didn't date unless there was an interest level beyond neutral because there were other ways to enjoy life and find companionship.

 

Dating as one's fairly exclusive social outlet seems like a forced march. In my experience, these things happen more organically...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Blind-Sided]

How do you know if you are being too unrealistic?

 

Like, for example, I went out with 2 "models" for first dates. Both wanted to keep seeing me.

 

1. Was nice, but we didn't vibe in terms of our conversations. Ghosted me and randomly texted me months later. Legit forgot about him. He wanted to date me again and I told him we could be friends.

2. Narcissistic, gaslighted me and sexually very high maintenance. I had to ghost him, he wouldn't stop arguing with me by phone when I "dumped" him.

 

These are guys that are so hot they could have whoever they want, but they wanted to date me exclusively. Now, I didn't even kiss either of them because of their personalities and didn't see them as bf material either. They weren't my type both in personality and looks.

 

I've also had less conventionally attractive men try to make me their fwb and don't want a gf.

 

Honestly, I am not sure what to do anymore. I am craving an emotional connection and intimacy. And first dates are becoming a chore.

 

 

 

BINGO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Guys and girls are the same way. When they are hot, and can have whoever they want... they act like that. They don't care if they annoy someone because they will just move on to the next. Over the years, I have had a bunch of single friends who want the hottie, or model type... but then they want a down-to-earth kind of person too. (Generally don't find that in the same person)

 

 

My cousin was miserable for years because of this. She wanted a pin-up poster kind of guy... but she was a heavy set girl, and those guys weren't looking at her. Eventually, I got her to see past the body, and find someone she could connect with on other levels. She has been happy now for well over 10 years, and her husband is just a regular guy. Standard build, standard height, and thinning hair.

 

 

SO.... as some people above have said... lower your standards if you are looking for that guy who is slender, muscular, and tight... because time gets the best of all of us.

Edited August 26, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[HiCrunchy]

BINGO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Guys and girls are the same way. When they are hot, and can have whoever they want... they act like that. They don't care if they annoy someone because they will just move on to the next. Over the years, I have had a bunch of single friends who want the hottie, or model type... but then they want a down-to-earth kind of person too. (Generally don't find that in the same person)

 

 

My cousin was miserable for years because of this. She wanted a pin-up poster kind of guy... but she was a heavy set girl, and those guys weren't looking at her. Eventually, I got her to see past the body, and find someone she could connect with on other levels. She has been happy now for well over 10 years, and her husband is just a regular guy. Standard build, standard height, and thinning hair.

 

 

SO.... as some people above have said... lower your standards if you are looking for that guy who is slender, muscular, and tight... because time gets the best of all of us.

 

My example was meant to show that I wasnt into the models.....in fact, they were not my "type" and their personalities made it worse. Even though they r "attractive" and wanted to be my bf, I couldnt vibe with them.

 

My point is that, sure I want to be attracted to the person, but I need to like them as a person too.

 

What's hard is that, I just not attracted to most men.

Even models or celebs....