What to respond to people when they take long to reply ?

[Lostsoul1]

So I have this friend of mine who used to be very chatty. Now he takes ages to respond and I know he doesnt have that much of a busy life ( he goes to uni and not every day) I have a much busier life . I work, have kids etc. When he responds he sounds like he wants to make convo. He asks questions and stuff but I'm honestly losing patience and just feel like being straight and say" hey if you don't feel like talking I can leave you alone " or " very busy huh?" Or just not say anything at all even if its tempting to message back.

What do you guys think?

[schlumpy]

I find that chatting with people has it's ups and downs. When there are common interests the texting level can be high but once those interests are exhausted and there are no common experiences to share, the level will drop off.

 

It's tough to have a relationship with anyone when you don't see them once in a while, at a minimum.

 

Just write what and when you want and quit worrying about whether they answer.

 

Use it as a cathartic experience.

[Watercolors]

I feel your pain, OP. I had this friend for 7 years who was a chronic texter. Our communication styles were like oil and water -- I preferred the phone whereas she preferred text messaging. The other problem is that I was low on her totem pole of friendships, despite the length we knew each other. I find that communication tends to drop off to nearly zero with friends who suddenly decide I"m no longer a priority to them in their social network. It happens.

 

Perhaps this guy doesn't view your friendship with him as a high priority anymore -- hence his reluctance to match your communication frequency.

 

And, as Schlumpy said, when common interests that once bound two people together have waned or ceased to exist, then that connection tends to fade away sometimes abruptly, sometimes slowly. Either way, it's painful to be on the receiving end of the dreaded 'friendship fade.' Which is what I think is happening to you with this guy. Sorry.

[preraph]

This guy may just not use his phone as his appendage. Yes, most people do, but not everyone. He's waiting until it's a time he is in the mood to chat with you, and that's his right. Of course, you were in the mood before and maybe aren't now, but if it's text, you can always not read it until you are in the mood.

 

Last week, a wife of a friend from our old crowd died so I had texted a friend of mine and didn't hear back. It actually worried me a bit so I asked if another friend had run across him or anything, but she hadn't. There was a text from him last night where he wrote me from a concert to ask if I was there. I mean, people are busy, people are not always slaves to their cellphones, and that's just the way it is. I think you should view texts the same as e-mails: They're convenient because you can write one whenever and the person can read it whenever is good for them. I wouldn't ever make an issue about that.

 

Also, not all texts need an answer. If all you do is talk about yourself, someone might not feel it's necessary to write back "Okay, good to hear." So I've seen some people sensitive about that on this forum. At some point, someone has to not respond to keep it from becoming an annoying text marathon. I realize that is not your situation though.

[schlumpy]

And, as Schlumpy said, when common interests that once bound two people together have waned or ceased to exist, then that connection tends to fade away sometimes abruptly, sometimes slowly. Either way, it's painful to be on the receiving end of the dreaded 'friendship fade.' Which is what I think is happening to you with this guy. Sorry.

 

Thank you for the acknowledgement Watercolors, but you said it so much better. "Friendship Fade" - Just warning you, I'm going to "borrow" it.

[Lostsoul1]

What annoys me is that the convo went like this:

Him" hey there is this cool restaurant that we should go to together when you come to my city"

Me" yeah, what's the name of the place "

 

Him" wait but do you love food?"

Me" yeah duhh"

Him" ok cool, il get back to you in a few moments"

That was 24h ago

[Watercolors]

@ schlumpy... go right ahead! Great minds think alike as they say.

 

@ Lostsoul...so you and your friend live in different towns? How far apart are you from each other? 15 minutes or like a few hours? So, the last time you heard from him was July 24th? Wow that's like, rude, the way he dropped the convo. Unless you two are bosom buds, I wouldn't count on him as a reliable social connection anymore if he's just going to go silent on you after that text exchange.

 

People will whine about how busy they are, but it really just comes down to where you fit on the person's priority list. (And, everyone has those lists.)

 

There are literally no excuses valid enough -- aside from death or hospitalization -- that prevent someone from staying in touch regularly with their friend. None. I don't care if you work 5 jobs. Don't give me that baloney. You prioritize who you respond to. It's that cut and dry. Reciprocating communication is not rocket science.

 

You either respect the other person's time and friendship b/c they are a priority and let them know where they stand with you. OR, you downgrade someone and make their friendship more of an option, and not as important to maintain friendship-wise and thereby fade from the person's life by not responding to texts, phone calls, or emails as regularly as before.

 

If you're no longer on someone's list as a priority and are just an option they occasionally touch base with, that's what happens sometimes. It stinks. But it's what happens with friendships.

[Happy Lemming]

In general, if I don't return your communication within 24 hours, I'm dead or in a coma.

 

That was my standard when I worked and I use it for friends, girlfriends, etc.

 

Even if I don't have an answer to your question(s), I'll acknowledge the communication and ask for more time to obtain an answer.

 

If it is taking longer than 24 hours to get back to you, then this person doesn't value the friendship (in my opinion).

[basil67]

I sometimes forget to follow up something I said I'd do....and I appreciate a reminder. With this in mind, that's how I'd deal with this situation.

 

"hey, did you find the restaurant name? When are we going?"

[Watercolors]

I agree with you Happy Lemming about the 24 hr rule of reciprocal communication. That actually happened to me this week with a new friend.

 

We met about 7 months ago and hung out a few times before summer. The end of spring, I let her know that I was prioritizing my mom's move to memory care and getting her apartment rented, etc.,. so I had to cancel plans ahead of time I'd made with her. I made sure to acknowledge to her, that her friendship and time meant something to me, and that by the end of summer, I'd be able to socialize normally again.

 

She appreciated me considering her feelings so I thought ok, great.But in the past couple of weeks, instead of responding to my texts within the normal 24 hr period that had been the pattern, she'd take days to respond. So, I knew immediately, oh, she must be really be mad that I prioritized my mom over plans with her, so she's downgraded me. Of course, I don't know her real reason why she doesn't respond to my texts immediately, but the fact that she doesn't respond right away anymore shows me I'm lower on her priority list of new friends than I was before. Like, this week I let her know i was available to get together. Her response was a few days later to the extent where she made excuses of how busy she is at work etc.,. and probably wouldn't be able to get together until who knows when.So, I'm not going to bother contacting her anymore. Chasing after people is not something I'm willing to do.

Edited August 22, 2019 by Watercolors