The Final Chapter

[Blind-Sided]

THE FINAL CHAPTER !!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

Hi All,

 

First, thanks to all the people who responded in my other thread. (20 years gone https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/672280-20-years-gone-updated-feb-25-a) Regardless if I agreed with what was posted... it was all mentally helpful, just getting it off my chest. Now, My head is full of stuff, so this may be a little jumbled, but I will try to break it into sections. I stopped posting in that thread 5 months ago because it was fueling the fire, but now that it's over as far as the divorce is concerned, I figured I would try to put an ending to this. (Can't leave the story unfinished)

 

OK, This story spans 9 months at this point, from the time I was hit with "I don't love you, I haven't in a long time, and I fear for my life."To the signing of the final affidavit. It was an emotional rollercoaster for me... but at this point, I'm ok. Mostly because I realize that the girl Ifell in love with is simply not residing in the body of the woman who walked out the door. But this has been a powerful life lesson in how people with mental problems can't be helped unless they want to be, and see that there could be a problem. (Just like alcoholics) And that's another point that has helped me "Get over it"... All the words she used to be cruel to me over the months, have turned out to just be lies that she convinced herself of. (like the kids don't love me, and are scared of me) Including the worst lie to herself of all... she wound up going to a woman's abuse center to get help. (For counseling, Free Lawyer, and even petitioned the court to wave filing fees) This was a point that I talked to my lawyer about since she was also hired by that center to defend abused women. I'm 100% clean, and I gave her my permission to pull a criminal record on me, and pull my kids medical records, because I have nothing to hide.

 

 

The Paperwork: She got especially nasty toward the end, and decided to yell at me, to tell me to "Expect the paperwork soon" while I was lying in bed, recovering from surgery. (There is a short thread on that in the water cooler section) She then got me officially "Served" on Good Friday. (Pretty ****ty) When the "Separation of equity" paperwork was available... she decided to give it to me on Father's day, after having a great time at my folks house with my kids. I found out from a neighbor that she had the document 3 days earlier, and just decided to hold onto it. The custody paperwork was a little nutz, and it's getting it's own section... and then finally, the "Final Affidavit" final showed up yesterday. I guess overall, since neither the kids nor I had to step foot into a courtroom.... it was painless. Well... less painful that a full blown battle with court dates.

 

Separation of Equity: Originally, when I was hit with all of this, I was going to move in with my brother, (He has a big house with 5 rooms) and our house was going to be sold since she couldn't afford it on her own. I was going to make it easy on myself. My brother wasn't expecting any $$$ for rent, and since I make a good living, Iwas going to buy a new Corvette, and take the kids on HUGE vacations every chance I had... and basically just have enough down time to put my head back on. The down side was, he's an hour away from where the ex was going to be, and from the kids school. Because of this, there was a bit of a blow up on custody. At that point I said that I would take them on every vacation, since the ex has a "Day Job", and she can have them during school.

 

After a few months went by... I thought that the above was just wrong, and hard for the kids. So, I approached the ex with an offer to buy the house. At first, she wanted me to fix everything, and then get it appraised, and then give her half the $$$ value. I told her I wasn't putting my labor and money into fixing the issues, and the house value would be in it's current state. (not bad, just lived in) I also said that the money I would offer her would take into consideration the fees that would be taken out of the selling price for the documentation, taxes, and brokerage fees. Once I showed her on paper the actual dollar amount that she could receive if it was just sold... and she finally agreed to that amount.... I made my offer. I told her that I would give her a small retirement fund we had, and some cash to balance the number. In return, I would buy the house (legally taking her name off of it) and I would take ALL OUTSTANDING MARITAL DEBT and roll that into my new mortgage. I also told her that she could have EVERYTHING in the house, as long as I could take my personal items, and my "Toys". (a boat and a couple older motorcycles)

 

After several talks... she finally agreed, and I moved forward with a new mortgage. Although now... she is trying to spread the word thatI kicked her out, and didn't give her anything.

 

Custody: When I first talked about custody with the ex, she was mad, and nasty. at least 2 times I heard..."The only reason you want anything to do with your kids is so you don'thave to pay me child support !!!!! " WOW. Anyway, during these talks is really when I figured out that there was a some mental issues. (highly emotional and going from angry to sad to normal moment to moment, and forgetting entire conversations) There was some talk about splitting the kids since the older one could get on and off the bus to school herself, and the younger one would still need help with that. (I travel from work, but when I'm home, I don't have to go into an office) But after a couple talks, the ex wanted nothing to do with that idea. I told her, that I would settle for nothing less than 50/50 legal and physical. At his point she got nasty and said that our 13year old could do what she wanted, and could go to a judge to make her choice. (so, mom wanted her in a courtroom) Since I didn't want that, I told the ex that the 13yo could chose where to live, but the paperwork, for legal reasons needed to be 50/50.

 

At this point, we agreed with a week-on/week-off arrangement. Also, I would take the kids during the day when I wasn't traveling, and it was the ex's week, to help her with $$ for child care. BUT... the week after that...she got strangely quite and sneaky again, so I knew something was up. I started to ask when her lawyer was going to have a custody agreement drafted,and she avoided the question a few times. But eventually I pushed the point saying... "I need to know because they are MY kids." Well...she blew up and said she went to her lawyer and had her draft an agreement that was "EVERY OTHER WEEKEND VISITATION !!!" (and child support) I calmly said, "Why would you do that, when we already had an understanding? This will just turn it into a battle that will cost money and put the kids in the courtroom". She eventually calmed down and said... "I guess I'll just give into you again." (Like I said... mental)

 

The official document that was signed is a week-on/week-off, with a slight skew so that our 13 yo could be with the ex more often to help with school activities. There is no child support being paid either direction.

 

The Bombshell: As the ex was starting to move out... she was being passive aggressive. I would be hanging out with my kids, and she would walk over and put an email in our faces saying things like... "Look your curtain rods for your new room shipped." Mind you, we were having fun, and not talking bout moving. It's just that the ex wanted to break our happiness. This went on for a few weeks, and as the ex was prepping her house stuff, my fears came true. I was no longer the focus of her anger... and the kids started to be. (since I didn't like being interrupted with those things either) Now, my 13 yo being very smart, started seeing the truth. She saw how mom was changing, she was hearing what some of the other girl scout and neighborhood moms were saying about me, and she was seeing how the rumors and lies that were being spread about me were starting to effect her and her sister's relationship with friends. (parents that only had the ex's side thought I was a crazed, abuser, so other kids couldn't come over)

 

So,the day before the ex was to officially move out (the long 4th of July weekend) my 13yo came to me and asked questions. I gave her the "PG"version of all of it... but I told her the truth. At that point, she decided that she did not want to go and stay with her mother. (wouldn't have seen that in a million years) At that point, I said the official document hasn't been signed, and just tell her mom.

 

So, as the weeks went by, the ex was getting more aggravated since our 13yo wanted nothing to do with her. This all culminated a couple nights before my last trip. She called her mom, and said that she wanted to spend the week with her grandmother while I was away working. (You know it's bad when a kid would rather be with her grandparents over her own mother) This was countered with a nasty phone call to me (from the ex) saying that I need to be the parent and tell her what she needs to do. I simply said I refuse to be the "Bad guy" in this, and that my Lawyer and CYS said that I am not the enforcer of the document, I just had to obey it. I also told the ex that our 13yo was tired of the fighting, and the lies... and that she needs to talk to her to try to figure it out. So, she called our 13yo, and after a while she threatened TO SEND THE SHERIFF OUT TO COME GET HER if she didn't go to her mother's house willingly. (how's that for mom of the year?)

 

I told them both that they need to go to dinner, and have no expectations on the outcome. The next night they did, and on Sunday morning, the ex agreed to let our 13yo go to grandma's house for the week.

 

At this point, our 13yo hasn't stayed with her mother overnight.

 

I know this got long, but it's been 5 months since the last post on my other thread. Right now, I have the house, and the kids have their same rooms. We painted the 13yo's room, and cleaned the 8 yo's room. (There's a floor again. LOL) I had to buy a new truck since it was just easier to do that over trying to change the loan, title, and registration. For the most part, we are back to normal, and trying to live peacefully. Although, the 8 yo is still struggling some. She has said that she wants to always be in her own bed, in her own room. But she has been good, and going back and forth.

 

 

That's it. Settling into my new life, and trying to do what's right for the kids.

 

 

(edit, the formatting got messed up, sorry to anyone who read it when it was first posted)

Edited August 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Added link to previous thread

[schlumpy]

Are you experiencing a huge sense of relief?

[oldtruck]

Moving out of toxic marriage, got the house, new truck, things can

only get better for you and your family.

[Blind-Sided]

Are you experiencing a huge sense of relief?

Yes... sort of. The big part is that she now has no leverage on me. After I got the new mortgage, and she was still living in the house, I told her that she needed to put money in the joint checking account to help pay for the house. At that point, she got enraged, and basically said... "If that's the way you are going to be... then get your crap together, and get ready to sell it!!" There were a few other times like that in the last few months where I bit my tongue just to keep her from getting mad, going to her lawyer... and trying to change the deal. Now, everything has been signed, and it's done. And by that... yes, there is relief.

 

Moving out of toxic marriage, got the house, new truck, things can

only get better for you and your family.

 

Well... I actually liked my old truck. It was an upper end truck (Diesel, leather, so on) The new one is more of a mid level, and feeding the gas V8 engine SUX !!! lol. The day I bought it... I was hardly holding back tears. The ex was being forceful because her name was still on my truck. I went to the dealer, put a deal on the truck, and never even saw it, or drove it until I took it off the lot. It was pure necessity. But I took that step back in level because I was now paying for a house on my own. AND... since I had paid almost 16 years on it already... I bit the bullet, and did a 15 year mortgage.

[Mr. Lucky]

Although, the 8 yo is still struggling some. She has said that she wants to always be in her own bed, in her own room. But she has been good, and going back and forth.

 

Younger kids do adapt pretty quickly. It didn't take my son long to figure out that two sets of toys and double Christmas, birthdays, etc., might not be a bad thing.

 

Also not surprising your teenager is struggling with emotional issues, everything seems to have a heightened impact at that point in life.

 

Since you have a lot on our plate, probably don't have to caution you about the usual pitfalls of alcohol use, rebound relationships, sleeping with the ex, etc. Seems like you have a solid plan, on the right track...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Blind-Sided]

Younger kids do adapt pretty quickly. It didn't take my son long to figure out that two sets of toys and double Christmas, birthdays, etc., might not be a bad thing.

 

Also not surprising your teenager is struggling with emotional issues, everything seems to have a heightened impact at that point in life.

 

 

Yes, I think the double party thing will work out nice with the younger one. She's a good kid, and she is adapting, but I do see her slightly upset at times.

 

 

I think my older kid would have been fine, but since the divorce went down the ugly path of slander and gossip... it kind of backfired on the ex. Like I said, I would have never have thought a 13 yo girl would want to be away from her mom. But, I'm glad it turned out this way. She has been a great emotional support for me. When she has seen me upset, or when I came out of my room after a phone call... she has been very attentive, and loving. Also, the people around me, who were on the fence with the stories see her staying with me, and start to understand. But, there are a few who still try to propagate the lie, and post things like.... "Influencing a kid to hate their parent is the worst thing a human can do." At this point, it's almost funny, because its from people who clearly don't want to hear both sides.

 

Since you have a lot on our plate, probably don't have to caution you about the usual pitfalls of alcohol use, rebound relationships, sleeping with the ex, etc. Seems like you have a solid plan, on the right track...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Sleep with my ex!! Really??? Not even on a bet. The cruelty level was so high... and the lies were so deep... there's no way to forgive. Honestly... I'm not that kind of person. Drinking... well... don't really do that. I bought a bottle of tequila and Margarita mix 2 months ago... I've made one. With the exception of working (having to observe bars) I've probably had a total of 4 drinks in the last 8 months at home. (3 were beers, just because I have a buddy who brews) Besides... I'm actually OK. I'm typing this with a clear head, and not worried or sad, or upset, or mad... or... nothing. Just me. I put my youngest to bed, and I can hear my oldest talking with friends about school tomorrow. I'm actually in a good place.

 

 

Rebound... OK, I can see that, but I'm not sure when anything may happen.

 

 

Anyway... the "Bombshell" section is what I really wanted to talk to you about earlier, but I didn't want to even write about it until the final documents were signed. You have been a great sounding board, and I have to thank you for responding to my problems.

Edited August 22, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm actually in a good place.

 

Considering where you were 9 months ago, and everything you've been though, that's awfully nice to hear. Much happiness, satisfaction and success going forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[healing light]

Ugh, your ex sounds positively wicked. The passive aggressive facebook remarks from people who think they know better would irritate me after all you've been through.

 

Glad you were able to get the house and that your 13-year-old wasn't poisoned against you.

 

Expect her to keep acting up, but at least now you can try to move forward with your life. It sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders, I'm sure you responded much more logically and calmly than most would have in similar circumstances.

[Blind-Sided]

Ugh, your ex sounds positively wicked. The passive aggressive facebook remarks from people who think they know better would irritate me after all you've been through.

 

 

When I first saw that post... it did. This is from someone I've been talking to for almost 16 years... I've been to a bunch of their parties, kid's graduation... so on. So, it was hurtful. But then I went to another neighbor's house to hang out, and they saw it too. After a while, we just had a good laugh because their true colors came out, and they kind of ruined their own rep with other people around.

 

Glad you were able to get the house and that your 13-year-old wasn't poisoned against you.

Me too. With the house... I think it's helped me get where I'm at mentally. At first, I was worried about the money, but as I sit here and type... I realize that my life is still good. I just sent my 13yo off to school, and my 8yo is eating her breakfast. Basically, the ex just isn't here.

 

 

With my older kid... I started to feel something was wrong about 5 months ago. I was very worried about her turning on me, but I figured that I would address that as the months/years go by. But, when the ex got nasty about the custody is when my 13yo came to me to ask about things. It started with why the agreement needed to be 50/50... but I also told her she could actually live where ever she wanted. That is what clicked with her... her mom was pushing for child support, and told her that should only visit with me. (she saw no pressure from me, but pressure from her mom)

 

It sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders, I'm sure you responded much more logically and calmly than most would have in similar circumstances.

 

I'm actually surprised too. I've had a bunch of people say they wouldn't have been near as nice. I tried to keep things calm for the kids. I'm not saying I was perfect in all of this... but I kept the bad (crying, mad, worry) away from the kids. But the funny side of this was... my 13yo and I were driving back from my folks house, and I was talking to her about what's been going on, and I realized I was getting a little off subject. I said to her... "Why am I saying this... it's now in the past... you should just tell me to shut up." (with a laugh) She said... "I know you need to get it out." WOW. Didn't expect to hear that from my kid.

Edited August 22, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[notbroken]

Your story is eerily similar to mine and I believe extremely common. Your wife got bored and was unhappy with life. She blamed you for her problems and unhappiness. She likely cheated and then blamed you more (she couldn't be at fault, you had to be abusive and horrible otherwise she was just a cheating wife who blew up her marriage).

 

You ended up with the house/most of your stuff and are likely going to come out just fine and happy after all this. She on the other hand will likely end up bitter and unhappy - and still blaming you. She won't be able to overcome it because she will never accept her role and will maintain her bitterness for years. You can expect the story to change and you become even worse according to her. So what? It's a lie so she can absolve herself.

 

Live the best life you can. Be good to yourself and your kids. Be as happy as you are determined to be. I think you are in a good place and headed to an even better one. Good luck.

[mark clemson]

Congrats on getting through this in what sounds like pretty good shape!

[Blind-Sided]

Your story is eerily similar to mine and I believe extremely common. Your wife got bored and was unhappy with life. She blamed you for her problems and unhappiness. She likely cheated and then blamed you more (she couldn't be at fault, you had to be abusive and horrible otherwise she was just a cheating wife who blew up her marriage).

 

............ Good luck.

You are right. At first, I didn't think that was the case, but there has been some indication that there could have been someone else. And... I can tell she uses her "Fake" laugh when talking to the kids. (Bitter, but trying not to show it)

 

Congrats on getting through this in what sounds like pretty good shape!

 

 

Thanks. I wound up with more than I expected... but then again, she wanted all of this, and didn't want to even attempt to resolve the so-called issues she was seeing. I am in good shape right now. Not perfect, but I have my kids, who love me, despite what the ex was trying to say... and family is everything.... right?

[Marc878]

Now for the finish.

 

Google grey rocking and parallel parenting.

 

Just because you have kids doesn't mean you can't limit contact.

Here's how:

She has her time and you have yours. Keep everything separate. Holiday, birthdays, etc.

 

Any pickups/drop offs limit to 3 minutes with no engagement.

 

Never answer phone calls. Communicate using text or email kids only, ignore anything else. Resond only when you need to.

 

It'll make your life a lot easier and your kids will adjust.

[Blind-Sided]

............

Never answer phone calls. Communicate using text or email kids only, ignore anything else. Resond only when you need to.

....................

 

 

Thanks, I will google those items. For the most part... communication between us has been txt's. Both my kids have phones. My older kid has one that is live, and the younger one is just a hand-me-down that connects via wifi. At the end of the day, the ex will facetime my 8yo, and I can hear the conversation. But I've been having fun with that. Every once in a while, I will throw out a jab. Something that the kid thinks is funny, but will annoy the ex. For example... I get up early (5:30 to 6:30) and the ex would sleep until later than 10am. That has bothered me for a long time since she should be up when the kids are up. (But I was blamed for never taking care of the kids) Anyway... my 8yo said to the ex "Wake up early in the morning" as she was saying good-by. I said... "you know mommy never gets up before lunch." The 8yo and I had a good laugh... the ex was silent. LOL.

 

 

As far as the 13yo... she is so aggravated with the ex, she hardly talks to her. I've gotten a few txt's from the ex saying... "I cant get ahold of xxx. Is she there?" At that point I will tell my 13yo to please talk with her mother.

[Blind-Sided]

Now for the finish.

 

Google grey rocking and parallel parenting.

 

...........

 

Just spent some time reading on on those. The Grey Rock idea... well... I'm already there. I had to be out of necessity. I may send her a picture of the kids doing something, to be nice... but there won't be any txt with that picture. And if I have to send a txt for something about the kids... (like my 13yo needing feminine products) it was just on topic with no other info.

 

 

The Parallel Parenting... umm... well, it's kind of there. But reading on that, it seems like it's for totally hostile couples. normally the ex will pick-up and drop off the 8yo. (the 13yo has been full time with me) But then a week ago, the ex got mad and said... "Why am I always the one doing the drop-off's?" I responded with... "You didn't want me near your new place. So, if you want it another way, YOU NEED TO OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND SIMPLY SAY WHAT YOU WANT." (if you recall, she blamed me for not changing diapers 13 years ago, but never asked for help) FYI... our houses are 3 or 4 min apart. I can truly leave my house, drop off the kid, and be back home in 10 min. Anyway... we are civil enough to do a drop-off at each others house.

[preraph]

If your ex gets to where she is bugging you with too much contact or rude conduct, you should get your attorney to ask the judge to insist your communications be conducted via email only through talkingparents.com or similar website. These websites are for divorced parents with shared custody and what they do is keep an unalterable record of all communications between you so that cuts back on the nasty. At any time you can take a transcript before a judge if you need to, to show you're being harassed or refused your visitation or any number of problems that are typical with shared custody arrangements. I recommend this highly in a contentious situation. You can be done with talking to her at all. If she harangues you when you exchange kids in person, you can also have the judge arrange a neutral person to do the exchange.

 

The judge usually will leave exceptions, of course, for medical emergency or the like,but if you feel someone abuses that concept, again, you can take it before the judge.

 

All that is really toxic to the children. I'm not sure your ex is right about a 13 year old being able to choose either. Maybe it's a law particular to your state, but it's not a "thing" where I live. 13 year olds are really not qualified to make that big a decision, and also teens are notorious for playing one parent against the other. So...

 

Good luck. Stay clean.

[Marc878]

Being civil is always good. But in these situations engagement isn't really needed.

 

Sounds like you're close anyway.

[Blind-Sided]

............... I'm not sure your ex is right about a 13 year old being able to choose either. Maybe it's a law particular to your state, but it's not a "thing" where I live. ............

 

Good luck. Stay clean.

 

 

 

In our state... unofficially, a 13 yo who is a good student and has no development issues will be able to state their case. (both my lawyer and CYS has said that to me) SO... if both parents are clean... and there's no real issues involved where the law would step in... a kid can say "I want to live with my xxx because xxx." It's not a solid thing... just a consideration point.

[Blind-Sided]

Being civil is always good. But in these situations engagement isn't really needed.

 

Sounds like you're close anyway.

 

Tried something this morning that is on those lines. The ex was to drop off our 8yo this morning as she has to be at work before the school bus would get our kid. SO... I simply unlocked the front door, and pop'ed it open. I didn't go to greet them... our kid came in, and shut the door behind her. So the exchange was made, and I didn't even have to look at the ex.

[Blind-Sided]

well......

 

 

Got a call from my lawyer today, and the ex is taking me and my 13yo to court. I think it's going to hurt her more knowing that her daughter doesn't want to be with her. At that point... I don't know if my 8yo will be safe since I really don't see the ex as being stable any longer.

 

 

After I talked with my layer... I called CYS since I know she will use abuse as a defense. But they already have the medical records, and my criminal record... so they know it's not true.

 

 

Why won't the ex just let a little time pass, so her daughter will calm down, and want to be with her... this will just make it worse dragging her into court.

Edited August 26, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[schlumpy]

Why won't the ex just let a little time pass, so her daughter will calm down, and want to be with her... this will just make it worse dragging her into court.

 

I suspect she is the type of person that irons out her problems with conflict. Without the screaming and shouting or threatening undercurrent, she can't come to a resolution.

 

I agree with PreRaph, that the kids should be isolated as much as possible. They should be absorbed in age appropriate pursuits and not in deep with mom an dad.

 

I know that's a tough thing to do when one the parents is recalcitrant and tends to see the kids as just another weapon in the fight.

 

You are doing the right thing.

[Rayce]

I am glad that things worked out. Good luck in this next chapter... enjoy this time with your kids. They grow up so fast!

[Blind-Sided]

I suspect she is the type of person that irons out her problems with conflict. Without the screaming and shouting or threatening undercurrent, she can't come to a resolution.

 

 

Not normally. For 19 years she was relatively passive. But starting in late October last year... she just got nasty. The real problem is now... she just isn't getting her way. It's like the old movie... "You can't handle the truth!" LOL

 

I agree with PreRaph, that the kids should be isolated as much as possible. They should be absorbed in age appropriate pursuits and not in deep with mom an dad.

............

 

You are doing the right thing.

 

 

I wish I could isolate her from all of this.

 

 

I got the actual documents today in the mail... and it's really a "He said, she Said" kind of thing. The charge is contempt. The resolution is to make me enforce the custody document to the 13yo. But even if the court says to do it... she will know it's mom making that happen.

 

 

Now... in the complaint section... one of the articles is "The mother believes that the father has disparaged the mother to the child." The entire case is built on a feeling. On the other hand... I have proof that it's the other way around. The wife has been bad mouthing me to EVERYONE, and my 13yo doesn't like it, because she knows it's not true.

 

 

Oh well... I have a sit-down with my lawyer next week. I'm hoping the proof I have will just end it before we go to a courtroom.

[Buffer]

Hope it goes well for you and your daughter.

[Mr. Lucky]

Oh well... I have a sit-down with my lawyer next week. I'm hoping the proof I have will just end it before we go to a courtroom.

 

Make sure you think long-term. Your 13 yr old does need some relationship with her mom so try and find a way forward that works for everyone involved....

 

Mr. Lucky