The Final Chapter

[Blind-Sided]

...... Your 13 yr old does need some relationship with her mom ..........

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

I agree totally. The problem now is... my 13yo is so upset, she wants me to talk with my lawyer to have the custody agreement changed so she can live with me full time.

 

 

How does a mother do this to her kid? While I'm being accused of talking bad about the mother... the reality is the ex has been talking bad (Criminal levels) about me to anyone who would listen... and is now trying to use guilt, and fear to get the 13yo to leave me... and now dragging her into court. Just unbelievable.

[Mr. Lucky]

I agree totally. the reality is the ex has been talking bad (Criminal levels) about me to anyone who would listen... and is now trying to use guilt, and fear to get the 13yo to leave me... and now dragging her into court. Just unbelievable.

 

All just noise.

 

There was a time in my divorce when, according to my lawyer, I had a pretty good case for parental abduction. And while a part of me would have loved to nail her to the wall, I had to think 5, 10 and 20 years down the road in our young son’s life.

 

Hope things work out. Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Blind-Sided]

...while a part of me would have loved to nail her to the wall, I had to think 5, 10 and 20 years down the road in our young son’s life.

.....

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I'm right there. She has been cruel, and mean to me... but I'm trying to think about the kids. But then again... she's not thinking about the kids. (well, at least not about our older kid)

[Blind-Sided]

well.............

 

 

Had my day in court yesterday. Me and my 13yo got to the courthouse a little early, and saw the ex sitting across the way. She was deliberately avoiding looking at us. Eventually my lawyer showed up, and we talked about what was going on. The judge finally called the layers in to start. By the time they came out, we were in the lobby for around 45 min... all that time... the ex never came over to even say hello to her daughter.

 

 

The ex and I were called in, and it wasn't exactly the way I expected it to go. The judge was hard, but to the point. She said that the order was only signed 2 months ago, and why were we here?? The conversation was a little like getting yelled at by my mom. (firm, but good intentions) Eventually, I got to say a few things... but they were short directed answers. When the judge asked the ex if we can work something out... she didn't answer the question, she said... "I don't know what he's talking about." (The judge didn't like that) Eventually, I think the judge started to understand the situation, and some hot questions were directly asked to the ex, and she didn't give a solid answer. (about the slander, and what was being said to my 13yo)

 

 

Oh... my daughter did get to talk to the judge without me or the ex in the room.

 

 

At the end, the judge asked us to sit in the courtroom (after the lawyers and her left) to see if we can start to work on something that will help us all move forward since a kid needs both parents. I agreed. The conversation started with the ex and the 13yo talking, but that shortly turned into tears, and the ex wanting to force our daughter to stay with her. (using the original agreement as her defense to our kid) I ended it with... "If you are forcing your daughter to stay with you tonight... you need to tell her directly." Of course, she wouldn't. So I then suggested that they do dinner one night to try to talk. I got "Why should I have to make allowances with my daughter when I have the right to have her with me". Before I could open my mouth... my daughter said... "It's because this is what you have created mom !" (So proud she was able to stick up for herself, and say it like it is, without being mean)

 

 

There's a lot more to it... and there has now been a court order to talk via a family app (so the court can see conversations) but the ex is still just mad, and doesn't see how this is hurting our kid. (The ex thinks she it's affecting me)

 

 

I was really hoping that this thread would be short, and put a closing on all this. Seems like it's now the never ending story.

 

 

Thanks for listening everyone.

Edited September 11, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[Marc878]

It sounds like it's heading in the right direction for your daughter. Just not there yet.

 

Your X has done a great job of shooting herself in the foot. Don't get in front of that. It's not your problem to fix.

[Mr. Lucky]

Seems like it's now the never ending story.

 

Hate to tell you but with kids, that's usually the case.

 

Our son from my first marriage is now 40 years old. And I still deal with my ex telling my granddaughter her dad's siblings aren't "real" aunts and uncles because they're my son's step brothers and sister. Fortunately, my DIL put an immediate stop to this nonsense.

 

The acrimony fades, but personal qualities of pettiness, selfishness and meanness don't change. Continue taking the high road and be the bigger person. Better karma, and a more rewarding approach...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Blind-Sided]

........

 

Your X has done a great job of shooting herself in the foot. Don't get in front of that. It's not your problem to fix.

 

 

I agree. I'm in a good place now. Basically, I have no emotion toward the ex (longing, love... so on) so to me... it's just something I have to deal with, like renewing a drivers license. My 13yo is just so turned off by all of it... she doesn't even want to try anymore. Not sad... just like being pissed off at a friend that you still need to deal with.

 

Hate to tell you but with kids, that's usually the case.

 

Our son from my first marriage is now 40 years old. And I still deal with my ex telling my granddaughter her dad's siblings aren't "real" aunts and uncles because they're my son's step brothers and sister......

 

 

Geeezzzz... don't say that. LOL. I just want this to be over so I can get on with "Normal" life.

 

 

..... Continue taking the high road and be the bigger person. Better karma, and a more rewarding approach...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

That's my plan. I have nothing to hide in this, and nothing to gain by lying... and my 13yo sees that. To be honest... if the ex and my kid could work it out... my life would be easier. (single dad to a full time teen girl is rough) But, as long as my kid is unhappy... I will do my best to help her achieve what is needed.

 

 

Thanks for the support guys.

[Buffer]

Well, now it is over, how relieved are you to be in your own home with your children.

 

Sorry the relationship with your wife ended.

I am sure you will find a wife who will love you all.

 

Good luck ?

[MableKath]

Wow I just read your story Blind-sided. Also the responses. The ppl on here are very wise. Glad I found this site.

I was also blind sided with the 'this relationship is over'. Then we have to collect our bearings but our ex was already prepared. It's tough.

Sounds like you dealt with it extremely well.

With the 13 yr old daughter, maybe you can tell her great things about her mom now. (dig deep, she sounds like a horrible bitch). Maybe you can talk her into spending me time with her though. She needs her mama.

[Marc878]

Tried something this morning that is on those lines. The ex was to drop off our 8yo this morning as she has to be at work before the school bus would get our kid. SO... I simply unlocked the front door, and pop'ed it open. I didn't go to greet them... our kid came in, and shut the door behind her. So the exchange was made, and I didn't even have to look at the ex.

 

A buddy of mine does this all the time. It took him about a year of grey rocking before she finally stopped bugging him. He's good now.

 

Keep it up and you'll get there.

[Blind-Sided]

............

With the 13 yr old daughter, maybe you can tell her great things about her mom now. (dig deep, she sounds like a horrible bitch). Maybe you can talk her into spending me time with her though. She needs her mama.

 

 

I like your quote in brackets. I would NEVER say that about her... but I'm not going to disagree either.

 

 

At this point, I am trying to keep things in a positive light. But the ex is still messing it up for herself. Since the court date, I have tried to get my 13yo and the ex to talk, but my 13yo still sees that the ex isn't putting in the effort. For example... the day we were at court, I told them they should go out that night... The ex said she was busy. (They went out a few nights later) And last sunday, we were doing things with my family, but I told the ex I would have our 13yo call her once we were done. Here again... the ex said she was too busy to take a 10 minute call from our kid. BUT... our 8yo was excited after my cousin left, and facetimed my ex, and told her what we did. My 13yo then came to me (in private) and said "So mom will take a call from my sister, but not from me? I guess her date was just more important."

 

 

This is EXACTLY why my 13yo is disgusted with her mother.

 

 

 

 

Now... in all of this... I really have found myself just not caring about the ex anymore. I had to drop by the ex's house to get a girlscout vest for our 8yo. We hung out on the porch for 10 minutes or so, and my feelings were that of just a neighbor. Absolut indifference. (I'm glad my heart has mended) anything I feel is just making my kid happy. (Not easy with a teen LOL)

Edited September 21, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[Marc878]

I would never, never push my child on a bad parent. You can't fix that. Your X would have to do that.

 

Your daughter is smart and sees right through her.

[MableKath]

Maybe the ex was indeed busy, I have no idea but try to keep positive about her mom to your 13 yr old girl. If you said something bad about her mom she might think that about herself.

I hate to be arguing with you after the thoughtful message you sent me on my question. I just want your daughter to be as well adjusted as possible and not grow up motherless. Perhaps you daughter just wants you to think she's really extra smart and loyal to you. You can tell her you still think she's loyal and super smart etc even if she sees her mom.

I've been blocked from my daughter for 6 months when she went with her dad at first. Then she came live with me for a year and blocked him. I didn't want her to be fatherless so I said good things about him. My girl (btw I wrote son on my first question because I was trying to save the identities of all of us) however, this is important. My girl said she didn't like my ex H's new girlfriend. WELL she is a gold digger and broke up our marriage and he left ME for HER so I tell you, it was super difficult to think of something nice to say about her so my daughter would spend time with her dad. I want to just b*tch slap her for taking my ex, not say nice things about her. But I did it so my girl would have a relationship with her dad.

[Marc878]

Being a KISA or a fixer won't get you much. Your X is the only one who can fix her relationship with her daughter.

 

With that said you don't talk bad about the X but you do need to expect her to fix her end of this.

 

It'll probably settle out over time. Upfront it is an adjustment.

[Blind-Sided]

I hate to be arguing with you after the thoughtful message you sent me on my question. I just want your daughter to be as well adjusted as possible and not grow up motherless

 

I appreciate all input. Without a little conflict, and reflection from the other side... it's honestly hard to evaluate myself. I like to see both sides, even if it's something I don't want to hear. LOL. But honestly... I don't see any "Arguing" with any of this.

 

 

Maybe the ex was indeed busy, I have no idea but try to keep positive about her mom to your 13 yr old girl.

 

Sure she could have been... but... she really wasn't. She has put the "Image" of her new life before her family. This is also why we are no longer married, and it's why she is so mad. I think she thought I would just disappear, she would get the kids, get the house, get alimony, and child support, and just live a wonderful life without me in it. (this is the problem with her mental stability)

 

 

Now, for the sake of the story... when we were sitting in the court room... that the EX brought us to, and said she was too busy to spend time with our daughter that same evening... it was because she wanted to attend a PTO meeting at our 8yo's school !!!! (PTO is NOT more important than rebuilding a relationship with a kid that you just drug into the courts)

 

 

The second time... the excuse was directly said to be... "I'm going out with a friend." So, a date was more important than her kid. This wasn't asking the ex to take time to meet... this was a simple 10 min call to try to figure out the next time they could meet. Both me and my 13yo thought... she can take a few minutes to talk. But the real twist to it is... when my 8yo called, she didn't answer. (as I expected) but 3~4 min later, the ex called the 8yo back !! When I questioned the ex on it later, and told her that her daughter was upset, the ex said "I didn't want to ignore our 8yo."

 

 

The ex is doing this to herself, and blaming me. But to answer your other question... I haven't said a bad thing EVER about the ex. Just not who I am. BUT... I will not sugar coat it trying to put a positive spin on it.

 

 

.... Perhaps you daughter just wants you to think she's really extra smart and loyal to you.

 

 

I don't think this is the case since I have told her she could do what she wanted, and it won't hurt my feelings. The animosity between the ex and our 13yo is real, and it all started with the ex trying to get her to think I was a monster. And when she started hearing negative about me from the "Girl scout Moms" is when she started pulling away from her mother.

 

 

 

 

I've been blocked from my daughter for 6 months when she went with her dad at first. Then she came live with me for a year and blocked him. ............ But I did it so my girl would have a relationship with her dad.

 

 

This was your daughter pulling away, or something you and your ex did? (the blocking) If it was your kid... I'm guessing that with time it balanced out.

 

...... Your X is the only one who can fix her relationship with her daughter..............

 

It'll probably settle out over time. Upfront it is an adjustment.

 

 

You are right on both counts. On that point, I've tried to tell the ex to just give it a little time, but she won't. She has just gotten angrier and that's why we wound up in court. Some of the things our 13yo said to her... while honest... were very hurtful to my ex.

Edited September 22, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[MableKath]

I'm so sorry Blindsided. How hurtful to you, and your daughters.

[Blind-Sided]

Just a little update to all of this......

 

 

So, in the past few weeks, the EX has tried to contact our 13yo about doing things. (Going to the mall, or dinner) but for the most part, my daughter just says no. I've talked with my kid about this, and told her that if she doesn't at least go out with her mother once in a while, then the arguing and possible court dates will continue. AND, regardless of her feelings, she still needs a relationship with her mother.

 

 

This past week, our daughter has had practice on Monday and Wed, so I suggested they go out on Tuesday night. And guess what... we got the PTO meeting excuse again. When I tried to tell the EX that if she would cancel, and go out with our daughter, it would be a sign that she was willing to put things aside, and is serious on trying to work through the issues. But instead, I got "I made a commitment to the PTO, and our daughter just needs to make time for me.". It just absolutely astonishes me that my EX refuses to see that she is the problem, and just thinks that our 13yo "Needs to get over it.".

 

 

Anyway... So after talking with my daughter, I convinced her to go with her mother yesterday to a semi-local restaurant with a large arcade. (The ex thought she may like it) When my kid got home, she told me that her mother was overly sweet and fake, and acting like nothing was wrong. And once again, they didn't talk about "The problems". (The ex just wants to move forward like nothing is wrong) She also told me that a "Friend" of the ex showed up with HIS kid. At this point, my kid knew that nothing was going to get accomplished, and was even more upset. (Very wrong)

 

 

I'm at a loss at this point, and I need to be away for business for a week, and my 13yo is almost in a panic knowing she will have to go to her mother's house. To try to help her with that... I actually went out and bought her another Xbox to keep at her mother's house. (She likes playing games with her friends)

 

 

Nothing of real importance... just an update. Thanks for listening.

[elaine567]

Your ex feels betrayed by her daughter.

She is hurt and in no mood to bend over backwards to accommodate a kid who has made it plain she is not on her side.

 

Your daughter picked a side and is now suffering for it, she is now hurt that her mother is not picking her over your other daughter... and her mother seems to be getting on with her life.

I guess she wants it all to go back to normal and blames her mother for moving on when she should be doing everything to put it all back together.

 

Both are digging in.

[spiritedaway2003]

When my kid got home, she told me that her mother was overly sweet and fake, and acting like nothing was wrong. And once again, they didn't talk about "The problems". (The ex just wants to move forward like nothing is wrong) She also told me that a "Friend" of the ex showed up with HIS kid. At this point, my kid knew that nothing was going to get accomplished, and was even more upset. (Very wrong)

 

This is just a thought and a suggestion from an outsider's perspective. I think it'd be helpful for you to have a talk with your child that the marriage problems and ongoing legal issues are between you and your ex only. Your ex is correct in "acting that nothing was wrong". She does not need to load all the problems that you and she has to your child, and nor should you. At the end of the day, she's still the Mom and you're still the Dad. The kid has the right to choose the parent she wants to stay with, but beyond that, she should be given a chance to live as "normal" a life as a 13 year old can, away from the drama of two adults whose time together has appeared to run its course.

 

BTW, I'm glad you're trying to bridge the gap. I'm sure there's a lot of hurt there between them.

Edited October 13, 2019 by spiritedaway2003

[BaileyB]

It’s hard for any child to go back and forth between parents, in the best of circumstances. It’s going to take time and it is an adjustment for everyone.

 

It’s even harder when your mother has her feelings hurt and is acting like a child. She feels rejected and she wants your daughter to come to her. No, that’s not usually how it works. Your wife has had difficulty rising above to take the high road with you, so of course she is going to have difficulty doing this with your daughter. Just be sure as the previous poster says, that your daughter know the problems in your marriage are between you and your wife. Your daughter has a right to be angry with her mom for how she has treated her children. She shouldn’t have to worry about taking sides or protecting you.

 

I’m sorry this is so hard. It will get better but probably not for a very long time. Unfortunately, your daughter may chose not to have much of a relationship with her mother. Whatever happens, their relationship will never be the same. And that’s very sad...

[Rayce]

I agree with spiritedaway that for some reason the child is in the middle of your break up. I'm sure your bitterness toward your ex is coming across really loud and clear. I really feel for your exwife because it seems the child is learning that it is ok to disrespect her mother by refusing to go visit. Who is in charge? You and your ex wife as parents or the daughter the wayward teen?

[BaileyB]

The child has a right to her feelings.

 

The mother is the adult here. She needs to be the leader in the family right now. If she wants the respect of her daughter, she needs to earn it - and that starts by respecting the child’s feelings and giving her time. The child has no control here. It’s little wonder why she is having a difficult time.

Edited October 13, 2019 by BaileyB

[Rayce]

The thing is the child is still a child... she is only 13. OP and his ex-wife need to learn how to co-parent and teach their kid how to respect each other. I fear the next phase of this saga... is that the child starts playing the parents against each other and many years of constant struggles.

[Rayce]

The child has a right to her feelings.

 

The mother is the adult here. She needs to be the leader in the family right now. If she wants the respect of her daughter, she needs to earn it - and that starts by respecting the child’s feelings and giving her time. The child has no control here. It’s little wonder why she is having a difficult time.

 

I seriously don't understand this... a mother needs to "earn" the respect of her kids???? I am sorry but I don't understand this. The child is learning to disrespect her mother.

[BaileyB]

Perhaps I’ve missed this OP, but has your family and/or your child been able to go for family counselling and/or individual counselling? I would think that would be a very beneficial next step, as everyone adjusts to this changed life circumstance and finds their new normal. There are lots of feelings to work through here, for everyone...