Struggling with everything

[jah526]

Not even sure how to post this, have so many problems I don’t know what to do. First, anyone who sees my history will see I was involved with a married man. I broke it off 2 years ago. It was a dumb thing to do, really dumb. I don’t have an excuse except I was losing the person who cared more about me than anyone ever has and this guy felt like someone who could protect me.

 

I was recently passed over for a raise at work, and my manager does not give a damn. Since I work for govt it seems to all be a popularity contest even though I work harder than anyone there. I know I should be looking for something else, and I am here and there, but my self-esteem is just crushed after years of working in an abusive, toxic workplace. My skills have all atrophied. I’ve had several interviews over the last few years and I feel like I don’t know what any of them are talking about.

 

I’m finding it really hard to think clearly at all these days due to severe stress, anxiety, depression. I never sleep through the night anymore. I’m over 50 and I have alopecia. My hair started thinning when I was in my 20’s and now it is extremely thin, and I’m very self-conscious of it.

 

I moved to a less expensive area a year ago, but I hate it here. My neighbors are unfriendly and I have a 2 hour commute everyday. I live alone, spend every evening and weekend alone. I have people I talk to on the phone but I am sure they are sick of hearing me complain.

 

I honestly don’t know how to make things better. My last counselor terminated therapy with me, saying my problems were too long-standing. Where do I even start?

[Mr. Lucky]

My last counselor terminated therapy with me, saying my problems were too long-standing. Where do I even start?

 

With a new therapist.

 

jah526, I'm going to guess you have skills, attributes and qualities that are simply rusty from lack of use. Connecting with a new counselor would be a step towards overcoming the negativity you feel your life deserves.

 

Hope you take the steps...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

I don’t have any answers for you...

 

Just wanted to say, sometimes life is really hard. And, offer you a virtual hug.

 

God bless.

[megan4321]

Definitely find another therapist. Yes life is hard but there is also good things in life. They say gratitude helps and I found that it helps me stay positive.

 

Find one thing you are grateful for and build on it.

 

Keep positive.

 

And yes your friends probably find it hard to hear you moaning so start by moaning less. Have a conversation about something good. Find things to laugh at.

[Ruby Slippers]

Make a daily gratitude list. When you focus on what's good in your life, you get more good.

 

Attitude is almost everything, and only you control your attitude, the way you think about things.

 

This is why you see some poor but very happy people, versus rich but miserable people: attitude.

[major_merrick]

Start by looking for a different job. If your workplace is abusive and toxic and your management dislikes you, then you can do better. And check out other fields of work. Even take a pay cut to go elsewhere and do something refreshing. You might miss out on some money for a while, but what you're dealing with is what I call "soul corrosion." Sticking around isn't doing you any favors.

 

Time for a change! Maybe a move, too. Cut out anything in your life that is negative, and cut out things that drain you unnecessarily. If you're talking on the phone regularly to people who care about you, why not move closer to one of them? At this point, what's the worst thing that could happen? The status quo is killing you.

[NomiMalone]

Big hugs jah xxx I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so down.

 

I agree with all the thoughtful advice given so far. It sounds like you may be experiencing some circumstantial depression.

 

Like the others suggested, definitely look into getting a new job as soon as you can, one that’s a better fit. Dealing with a toxic workplace is enough to make anyone stressed and depressed! No job is ever worth your health and well-being.

 

If your budget allows, move somewhere nicer, with a shorter commute at least until you’re in a better place mentally. Having a nice little place that’s a haven to go home to every evening really can make all the difference.

 

To connect with new people and make new friends, I suggest joining a group evening class that interests you, eg learn a new language, hobby or sport, whatever you’re into. It sounds cliche but honestly I’ve found people at these types of activities to be way more open to getting together outside of work than at my regular office jobs, and you already share a common interest.

 

If you want things in your life to change, you have to be motivated to make the changes. Write up lists of small steps you need to take to achieve each goal. Breaking goals down into small steps, and focusing on only one step at a time makes the goals seem so much more achievable and way less overwhelming.

 

Be easy on yourself, treat yourself and encourage yourself as you would a friend.

 

Keep posting and reaching out on here. Let us know how you’re going. Sending hugs :)

[Foxhall]

Make a fresh start in your mind at least,

 

look your better off than some- you have not been killed or severely injured in a car accident for instance,

 

sitting around stressing is no good for you, forget about previous mistakes,

 

you can only live in today and you try and enjoy today,

 

next weekend get out of the house and go attend a show or get out in nature,

 

have a look at some activities and join something to give you an interest,

 

try and start doing a few positive small things each day,

 

things will improve in time but not if you keep moping:)

[NomiMalone]

Jah... how are you going? x

[jah526]

Thanks for asking, Nomi. I decided to try to find out why I was passed over for a raise. Went to HR and then had a sort of impromptu meeting with upper management. I was actually fine at first with not getting the raise because they told people that the criteria was that it was for people who had been there x amount of time, and I hadn’t been there that long. But then I found out that people with the same start date as me got the raise. So I asked about this and no one could give me a clear answer. Then they told me the criteria also included some people who were far below midpoint. Ok, but I also knew that others with the same start date who were far below didn’t get the raise.

 

Anyway, the meeting was basically the two upper managers bsing about nothing for an hour. They told me I wouldn’t get the raise because then others would want it too. I have a strong suspicion that my area manager was involved in the decision about who to give raises to, and who not to, based on the fact that she plays favorites. I said some things in the meeting about being treated unfairly by this manager and one other (area manager was there too). Now I regret that because I have probably shot myself in the foot in terms of ever getting a raise. I know that since this area manager has been in charge I have never gotten a raise while everyone else in the group has received a raise or promotion or both.

 

I called a lawyer after the meeting to get some advice. I don’t really think I have a case though because favoritism isn’t illegal. I also asked for a transfer to a different group but they only encouraged me to apply for any openings.

 

I lay in bed last night thinking about all this until early morning, worrying about what I said, and what I didn’t say, and what I should’ve said, or shouldn’t have said, then I called in sick this morning. I don’t know how to face going back there. I feel ashamed and hurt and scared. Called EAP this morning and got an appointment with a counselor.

 

I do appreciate everyone’s advice. I’m reading through it all. A couple of things have stuck out to me - soul corrosion and that I feel I deserve negativity in my life. Not sure I agree with the last part, or what about my post implies that, but I do seem to attract it

[NomiMalone]

Oh Jah, that’s awful, and very poorly handled on management’s part. Oftentimes there’s nothing you can do about favouritism and bullying in the workplace, and the best thing to do for yourself is to just get out. Trying to deal with it through HR or management can make situations even more stressful. Please don’t let yourself dwell on what happened any longer. Instead, focus your energy on looking for a new job and getting out of there ASAP.

 

It was a good decision to go to the EAP. I’m not from the US so I don’t have a good idea of what services they provide, but I hope they’ve put you in a good direction and that you’ve been feeling a little more positive about things.

 

Are you able to stick it out there until you find a new job?

 

(((Hugs)))

[alphamale]

try harder to get a new job

 

also, I used to date a woman with alopecia, it consumed her life and that was why our relationship ended, I couldn't deal with it. but I understand how important it is for you. good luck, chin up

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel I deserve negativity in my life. Not sure I agree with the last part, or what about my post implies that, but I do seem to attract it

 

jah526, you certainly come across as an intelligent, fairly self-aware person.

 

But you were dating a married man, working a job you clearly dislike and have moved to an area you hate. Clearly not decisions leading to happiness or satisfaction and yet (with the exception of the affair) you persist. That's the negativity I was referring to, not a lot of self-love reflected there.

 

I hope the EAP connection pans out for you, a good counselor could point your towards better decision making and clarity in pursuit of some reachable goals.

 

Sounds like you've worked hard all you life, so it's time make some corrections towards a better outcome. Keep us posted on your progress...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jah526]

Thanks Mr. Lucky. One small issue - I never felt I was "dating" the MM. It was "just sex" at least from his perspective. I had feelings for him, still do. I don't hate him, don't love him. He is broken like me, and for that, I have sympathy for him. And I do really miss the connection to someone who understands that brokenness.

 

EAP counselor feels I need to be on medication, because according to her little screening test I am severely depressed.

[Mr. Lucky]

EAP counselor feels I need to be on medication, because according to her little screening test I am severely depressed.

 

Probably good advice, hope you take it to heart. Depression is a disease, you need to treat it as such.. My BIL was severely depressed but having found a combination of medications and lifestyle changes that work for him, has made tremendous progress.

 

No reason you can't do the same...

 

Mr. Lucky

[crispytoast]

Whiskey always worked for me. But I'd guess that's probably not the advice you're looking for, so perhaps the other posters might be of more help.

[d0nnivain]

jah526

 

Good for you for sticking up for yourself. That took courage & fortitude.

 

If you are not ready to look for a new job yet, let's think about something easier you can control that may bring joy into your life. Do you have any hobbies? Join a group or pursue a task. Do nice things for yourself.

 

I agree with whoever suggested you keep a gratitudes journal.

 

Glad you got a new therapist.

[preraph]

I know what you mean about not knowing what they're talking about at job interviews. The Human Resource people learn a bunch of silly BS in college, weird jargon. No one wants to know if you want and know how to work anymore.

 

If the outside marketplace is too much for you, then don't apply to large companies who would even have HR. True that small companies might not pay what you're used to. But they are far less likely to be spouting nonsense terms and asking weird questions. Put a one-page resume out and look for work while you are employed. List your skills and briefly your duties in your employment and if there's something you're interested in that's different. Don't put anything about kids or anything like that on there or bring it up in interview unless they ask.

 

Keep it professional, but keep it down to earth, using straightforward terms. I put that I'm hard working and dependable and honest, because I am. I don't want someone hiring me for something shady.

 

I find out the name of the small business owner (on google corporate wiki or on secretary of state website looking for tax paying entities search.)

 

I mail him a paper resume and then give it time to be received and do a follow-up phone call.

 

Now, one time I sent 75 of these out before I got a call, but I was being indiscriminate and sending to everyone within a radius. Much better to target something that you have a skill or interest in.

 

Beyond that, you could apply for a different government job elsewhere. Maybe across town or closer to work and tell them you're doing it so you're closer to work. Don't badmouth the place you're at.

 

Make a change. Good luck.

[Tagalz]

Not even sure how to post this.

 

I honestly don’t know how to make things better. My last counselor terminated therapy with me, saying my problems were too long-standing. Where do I even start?

 

I’m going through a similiar phase to!

 

It’s just that I feel more lonely now than

Move on and don’t think back about that man... it’s to late now. Ah that toxic work enviroment... have been there to and what I used to do is to say «hi» and then ignore them for the rest of the day. I don’t know how it is there but you can speak to a lawyer about your raise being passed over at work. Most importantly is to search for a new job. As for your neighbours don’t care about them... it’s just making your overthink unnecessary much.

 

Keep seeing a therapy but first you got to get a new one because he’s excuse being that it’s long-standing is BS. That is he’s job.

 

EDIT: Not sure if I have posted this on my profile but for 2 years I were working in a company that delivers food from grocery stores in a box. That company was driven by a Norwegian who didn’t even came at work and I only saw hin 2-3 times in a month. He later sold that company to a bunch of Bulgarian people who had problems finding work here in Norway as there is alot of people without work. Thanks to that Norwegian boss he helped the Bulgarians stay in Norway with stable job and get a passport (you need to live there for 3+ years to get it)

 

The Bulgarians started doing things like not doing their job well so we have to do everything and they were also very negative towards non Bulgarian people. It seems like I hate people from Bulgaria but I do not because I cannot speak for the whole country. They have lots of people. I only HATE the Bulgarians who worked there

Edited September 12, 2019 by Tagalz

[jah526]

I’m going through a similiar phase to!

 

I don’t know how it is there but you can speak to a lawyer about your raise being passed over at work.

 

I did actually do this, but doesn’t seem like I have much of a case since favoritism isn’t illegal unless it is based on protected class status. I might have a very slim case for ageism, but given that the lawyer hasn’t called me back, I don’t think so.

 

Sorry you’re going through something similar.

[Tagalz]

I did actually do this, but doesn’t seem like I have much of a case since favoritism isn’t illegal unless it is based on protected class status. I might have a very slim case for ageism, but given that the lawyer hasn’t called me back, I don’t think so.

 

 

Your best bet would be to get a new job (: good luck!

[jah526]

Just to update, I am strongly considering an offer of a transfer. I’ve been interviewing and it’s been really tough because I’ve felt in such a “down” position. Recently I’ve found out that others have also been treated as bad or worse. Makes me feel a bit better, that maybe I wasn’t in the wrong the whole time, as they wanted me to believe.

 

I am worn out though. I wish life didn’t have to be so damn difficult. I don’t know why it is, I work with smart people but they are ruthless in their pursuit of... not sure what... power, maybe? The loveliest person I talked to this week was a guy with a disability, autism I think, who has a menial job but says hello and goodbye to everyone and who wore a costume for Halloween that I complimented him on. I don’t understand why we can’t all be lovely to each other like that man, instead of small and mean and petty.

[jah526]

Still struggling but I think I have a plan now. I had to make a major decision recently and trying to weigh all the factors kind of broke me. I didn’t sleep for about a week and I felt scarily aggressive towards myself. I’m not sure I made the best decision but these days I’m trying to factor in my physical limitations. One that seriously restricts me is my severe anxiety issue and the insomnia that results from it. So I have to be aware that sometimes I’m not safe to be driving and take that into account. And I hate this. I want to have a normal brain that doesn’t stress out over everything and take me down physically. It’s hard being this way.

[alphamale]

One that seriously restricts me is my severe anxiety issue and the insomnia that results from it...

 

i'm so bad off that my anxiety has anxiety

[d0nnivain]

jah526

 

Good for you for recognizing your limitations & opting for safety.

 

Whatever decision you make it's progress. Even if this next thing isn't the perfect thing, it's still different then where you are now. If that doesn't work, then you can make another decision but hopefully by that time you will feel stronger.