Financial rut; can't take it anymore:(

[UniverseInMe]

I'm seriously depressed about my current financial situation. I'm stuck. Totally stuck. So stuck that I have just about no clue how I'm going to get out of it. I'm 44 years old and I make terrible money. Mainly because my current job has me crying almost everyday because I hate it so much. It has drained my soul to the point where I'm contemplating ending it all. And yet I continue to massacre my life day after day attending this job.

 

The thing is I feel I have no choice because I don't have any options. Literally I have the worst work history with so many holes and lack of experience that I would be forced to completely lie on in my resume. So I decided to start my own little business a few months ago. Unfortunately it sunk me further into debt because I needed to buy the equipment to properly function as a business owner, unfortunately I'm not making any money yet because my current job situation has me completely and utterly depressed and drained and my finances in complete shambles.

 

I also have no personal life. I don't go out. No sex life. I'm home all the time because I can't afford to go out anymore. I have no friends. I pretty much abandoned them because I couldn't hang. They're always doing things that require money like weekend trips, restaurants, vacations, etc that I got tired of making excuses and playing dumb all to avoid saying I can't afford it. I'm just so ashamed and embarrassed of myself.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. Why is life so hard for those who are trying to make positive change? I'm not a bad person. Why do I see so many people who are not so bright flourish in finances and me, like a total dope, have not the faintest idea what it even feels like to have money. I've always been broke. I'm just so tired of being broke but also completely hopeless that I'll ever get out of this situation. I sat in my car today sobbing like a little girl because I just couldn't do it anymore. I kept calling out to God to just end me and I seriously meant it.

 

The only reason why I wouldn't kill myself is because I don't want to hurt my family. They're the only reason. Otherwise I truly believe I would just end it because this isn't a life worth living being broke. Not everyone is cut out to become successful. And for those who have, well, there's always acceptions to the rule. The majority will still go through life struggling financially and never make it.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm totally wiped out. I have nothing left in me. I have no one to talk to and not a single bit of luck or opportunity has come my way in years. It's like the Universe has gone completely cold and shut me out. Am I paying for karma or something because this just doesn't make any sense. There is so much more I want to say but I don't want to bore you guys any further.

 

Thank you for reading my pathetic and pointless post. I just needed to express myself in some way.

[Mr. Lucky]

UniverseInMe, hopefully you realize there are resouces if you find yourself in a dark place:

 

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

 

Do you have access to counseling through your job?

 

Mr. Lucky

[MetallicHue]

You should speak to someone. Even if everything is down there’s always a chance to turn things around. Don’t give up hope. I’ve dealt with severe depression too and looking back things always seems worse than how they really are. I know things seem bad but you have a job and a lot of potential. My friend just got married at a very similar age to you. My dad also got remarried around 50. Try to stay positive and seek help.

[preraph]

If you really think you can make a go of your business, you at some point are going to have to work at it rather than buying equipment and letting it sit. Maybe you need a cash partner.

[UniverseInMe]

You should speak to someone. Even if everything is down there’s always a chance to turn things around.

 

This is one of the problems that's frustrating the crap out of me MetallicHue. I have no one to talk to with an objective pov that's none judgmental. I don't want to approach family because I don't want to reveal myself for fear of judgment and gossip. I can't afford a therapist and my current job is part of the gig economy that offers zero assistance. And no, I'm not going to kill myself because as I mentioned earlier I wouldn't want to put my family through all the financial burden and sadness. If I was alone, then yes, it would be a strong possibility even though I most likely would chicken out in the end.

 

The truth is I love this planet. I love what it has to offer. I love all the beautiful art that people have created and are creating, designs by amazing craftsmen, foods, locations, technology, fun discussions, etc. There is so much this planet has to offer that I want to live for and explore that it kills me that I've significantly limited myself. I'm just always home and too afraid to go out and spend money because I'm always broke and worried about tomorrow.

 

Sometimes when I feel my head spinning or my heart having a heart palpitation I get excited because I think "This is it, I'm going to die, I'm ready!" I actually get excited. But when it doesn't I think to myself "Yup, back to miserable reality."

 

I'm just sick and tired of watching ungrateful, spoiled, entitled, greedy, narcissistic sobs have all the fun in life. It's just not fair. I'm a good person with a good heart. I go above and beyond helping those who need a voice or ear. It's not like I'm all about "things." My greatest joy comes also in helping others. But I'm tired of not being able to help myself. I'm tired of being broke. I'm tired of struggling all the time. I'm tired of feeling hopeless. I'm tired of negatively judging myself. I'm tired of being financially assisted by family. I'm tired of not being able to be strong enough to make positive change. I'm tired of not having the courage to dump my current, miserable job. I'm tired of being single. I'm tired of watching porn just to be sexual pleasured. I'm tired of playing PC games to distract my mind from my miserable existence. I'm tired of not being able to break bad habits holding me back. I'm just tired of being a weak-minded individual who's constantly negative, insecure, angry, bitter, jealous full of excuses. I'm tired of having personal and deep talks with God, making deals with him/her to help me with my current financial rut and getting nothing. I'm just tired of expecting what I want to happen and it NOT happening. It just makes me recluse even further within myself and I hate that it's happening.

 

The truth is I don't want hand-outs. I actually want to work for my keep. All I ask in prayer is just give me a push in the right direction. Perhaps meet someone who can be a source of inspiration or guidance. Or a client/person who leads me to more clients in my business like it once happened for my cousin in his late twenties when he started a construction business with zero clients and met 1 guy in the industry who started dishing him clients which led my cousin to eventually making fantastic connections. Now, he's very wealthy. Yes, he worked hard for it but he at least got help at the beginning when it mattered most.

 

So it's not like I'm not willing to work, quite the contrary, it's just that I feel I'm too depressed and weak to start this business late in my age all on my own with zero help. My energy level just isn't the same anymore. And to make matters worse my current job situation is making me quite literally want to drive off of a bridge. And I do this current job because I have to make some income to make ends meet. I'm sure you understand. So it's like I'm in this endless loop of taking 1 step forward, 2 steps back. It's not as simple as thinking "positive" and writing "goals" and working to achieving them. Timing, age, experience, connections, confidence, history and more has a lot to do with becoming successful too. Have people in the past become "successful" after dealing with conditions similar to mine, if not worse? Sure. But they're the acception to the rule. I believe that the vast majority just get sucked up in the vortex of life called your poop out of luck. Am I one of them?

 

This is where most of my rage and depression lies. I'm constantly asking God when is enough, enough? How much more of this torture does my soul need to endure to learn its lesson? When is it my turn to be happy? When and how can I get out of my own way? When will I reach a level of courage to actually make real change? How can I find my inner courage and to actually follow through? Is life just about misery for most because this is why we came here to experience? Surely there's more? There has to be! I see people everyday having a great time doing fun things and I'm stuck here in my own delusional pool of misery expecting you all to somehow shed words of wisdom that's going to change my life forever? This is how desperate and low I've become. But hay, it feels good. Perhaps this is more of my excuse riddled mind making more excuses not to move forward. Who knows. All I know is life is really, really hard man.

 

I do appreciate your time and reading this, honestly. The fact that you got this far does mean something to me, a whole lot. Thank you and I wish you nothing but the very BEST in finances and especially health. God bless YOU!

[UniverseInMe]

If you really think you can make a go of your business, you at some point are going to have to work at it rather than buying equipment and letting it sit. Maybe you need a cash partner.

 

I do, I definitely do. Could I be doing more? Perhaps! But to be hired in my line of work my business is dependent almost entirely on a good to great visual portfolio to be hired in the first place. THIS is where I'm struggling. How can I start to build my portfolio if I'm not being hired in the first place? It's like a catch-22. Hence my level of frustration!

 

I still do my best to go out and get the material I need to come close to what clients are looking for but there are limits. At some point I need to start getting hired. So it's not like I'm just sitting doing nothing. I'm trying to be as proactive as possible. It's just hard doing it all on my own with little to no help. I'm just really down on my luck now, sorry.

[D0nna]

Don't know you but maybe you feel like this is because you do stuff just to please people.and don't say what you want and need. And do what you like as job.

 

Like why haven't u express this to your family and friends? They sure will care and help you.

And also choose some activities that don't cost money.

 

Maybe you got all the answers but all you busy with is by yourself. Not communicating.

Start talk express your self!

Don't keep it all in and hope someone will notice or hear!!

Open your mouth! If its hard for you start with the ones who are more easy to talk to first.

 

And if you wanna start a business always start small with something nice and good service, win the trust and while its growing you go bigger little by little depends on the income also! But ask help,say how you feel! And once you know what you want communicate it to your boss! Rather its less task you need or a deferent position .Or maybe job switch. But since you 4o and need a income don't quit no job if you don't have something else to fall on. And start apply for jobs you really do like now. Maybe just to see how your chances are.all the best.

[Foxhall]

Yes I would echo what the previous poster says,

 

first of all- as long as you have your health I would not be too worried about being broke,

 

broke is a transient thing- it will fluctuate over a lifetime,

 

a friend of mines Father was broke at 40, a millionaire at 60 and back struggling again at 70,

 

learn from your mistakes as you go along,

 

in terms of getting a business off the ground it is clear you need help- mentoring from someone more experienced,

see if their is a genuine business possibility and formulate a plan to get it moving.

 

reach out to people- be it in a business sense, also in a friendship sense, talk to your family,

they will be more supportive than you think,

 

 

the main mistake your making is your spending too much time thinking and thinking alone,

 

get out there make some new friends dont cut yourself off,

 

perhaps forget about the business- take a regular job and start earning some money that will enable you socialise

 

you've only one life- start living it.

[Ruby Slippers]

Check out Dave Ramsey, personal finance guru. You can watch his videos free on YouTube, listen to his podcast, check out his books from the library.

 

I started working his plan a few months ago and it's already changed my life. Homeless people call in to his show raving about how his plan helped them get back on their feet and start working toward being wealthy and able to give generously.

[dangerous]

You asked how do you show clients your success when you have no clients before?

 

The answer is to present your previous successes in other related roles. Tell us what this new business is and what your job history current and relevant past is, then maybe we can be more specific.

 

Finally, and this is the biggie: if you think getting a first client will help you get that second more lucrative client, then offer your first new client some free or discounted work to get your first successes, then you have a success story to show new clients.

[d0nnivain]

I hope you are still around.

 

If you are still feeling stuck, reach out for all of the free business resources available to you.

 

Go to the library & read books about entrepreneurship: Who Moved My Cheese; Guerilla Marketing; What They Don't Teach You at Harvard Business School; Birthing the Elephant; and Money isn't Everything, It's the Only Thing etc.

 

Make an appointment with your local SBDC. I suspect you started this business without a Business Plan or Marketing Plan. They will help you create both. If appropriate they can help you get a SBA loan. They may be able to hook you up with an Intern to take some of the load off. All of these things will improve your cash flow.

 

Then learn to network, network, network. You have to drive traffic to your business but that is a social activity so you will feel less alone.

[Ellener]

I'm self-employed many years now, it does take a resilience to get through the initial 'stamping ground' and subsequent lulls an highs.

 

What helps me examples- I recently read a lot from Trent Hamm's Blog https://www.thesimpledollar.com/blog-overview/ he started by taking control of his out-of-control finances and it's ended up as a business for him and a motivational website for others.

 

I'm a musician so lots of times I've done $10-15 an hour side-gigs plus I learned how to budget and take care of myself cheaply

 

I walk a lot, love to be in nature and have met friends that way. It's free and wonderful for mind and body. I try to keep positive because that's what sells me and my skills, if I have time on my hands I try to use some of it positively, go to a library class or memorize a new song or something.

 

There are lots of ways to benefit from the internet if you can't go to counselling ( some therapists do sliding scale fees btw )

Articles like this https://www.verywellmind.com/increase-positivity-ratio-4108168 help me stay focused on good little things when the big things seem daunting for a while:

 

eg. 'be aware of what truly brings you comfort and contentment, and work these things into your regular routine'.

 

Hope you feel better soon UniverseInMe.