Is flirting equivalent to an emotional affair?

[MysteryLuvsCompany8]

I have an covert flirting situation with a MM at work. There is obvious attraction on both ends however I try to avoid it for a few reasons (he’s 20 years my senior, married w/ children, & in a position of superiority)...

 

If it matters, I’m 30, never married, no children...

Edited August 22, 2019 by MysteryLuvsCompany8

[Amethyst68]

I have an covert flirting situation with a MM at work.

 

The use of the word covert tells you everything you need to know. If you already hide your actions then you already realise they would be seen as incorrect. From your post that could be because he's married but also because he's in a 'superior' position within your organisation. Your relationship could taint any career growth you may have one gossip starts, and it will start. What you may think is covert really isn't, have a look at other threads about workplace flirting and gossiping among workmates.

Edited August 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

Absolutely agree with Amethyst.

 

This who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. The fact that you are covertly flirting says that you know this is inappropriate - on so many levels.

 

If you value your job, you stop flirting with this man today.

[somanymistakes]

There are no hard-and-clear boundaries to what "counts" as "emotional infidelity". That's a downside in many ways because it means people can accuse you of it for any reason whatsoever, including being in the same room with someone else. Of course, the lack of definitions also means you can't play loophole abuse... you can't do the "well, we didn't go all the way so it doesn't count!" thing here.

 

So I'm not going to try and define whether you're engaged in an emotional affair with this man or not. I don't think the label is helpful to you.

 

However, as the others have pointed out, if it's covert, that suggests that both of you know you're doing something naughty. That may not be "infidelity" exactly, but it's sure not on the up-and-up! And this sort of thing can wreck your career.

 

I don't care what it's "equivalent" to - it's not a good idea.

[carhill]

Is flirting equivalent to an emotional affair?

Does this interfere with your dating life? Do you compare men who approach you to the man at work? If yes, you're on the slippery slope to an EA IMO. It's not always what you do but also how you feel.

[mark clemson]

Agree the above posts. It's true that I've flirted (and continue to flirt) with many women, including in work contexts, with no harm no foul. It's also true that I ended up in a fairly serious EA that drove both her and I pretty bonkers - and that started via flirting.

 

If it starts to feel like more, it probably is more or is starting to become more. EAs can become PAs fairly easily IMO. And affairs can have very negative consequences, particularly PAs in a work context.

[mark clemson]

But to answer the more general question in your post title - no, in and of itself flirting is not equivalent to an emotional affair, even if it goes on for a while or gets a bit "racy".

[heartwhole2]

I'm of the opinion that professionals should treat each other as such. Flirting is a way of signaling that you're interested in sex/romance with that person. So I'm not coming up with any reason why flirting with a married co-worker would be good or neutral. That said . . . "emotional affair" . . . who knows. It's definitely inappropriate -- for him as a married person, and for both of you as professionals.

[lana-banana]

Is it equivalent to an emotional affair? No, absolutely not. Lots of people, male and female, flirt out of boredom or just for amusement. Some even think of it like a challenge. It definitely isn't the same as an emotional affair. And it isn't remotely appropriate for a modern workplace, either. Cut it out before you get into something you regret.

[MysteryLuvsCompany8]

Thanks everyone!

 

He recently texted me during this weekend asking me did I save room for him at my outing & then he told me to enjoy myself, etc. He definitely seems to be testing the waters. I genuinely like him as a person, I’m just attempting to avoid going down a slippery slope that could lead to more than I bargained for. I’m very much attracted to him (in which sometimes I feel guilty about this)...

[PhoenixRising8]

Listen to your intuition. My experience has been my intuition has rarely let me down and when I didn't pay attention I lived to regret it. If an affair is not what you want, stop flirting.

[elaine567]

He is a 50yo MM as you say "testing out the waters" with the 30yo "hottie" at work.

Remember if you do decide to "go for it", then you are entering the world of extra marital sex not the world of single dating. They are very different even if they sometimes feel the same.

At 50 he will be unlikely to ever leave his wife and I know you would NEVER ask him to do that, but after 6-18mths of being wooed and made to feel "Oh so special", you will think it is possible and that is when the real problems for you will begin...

[PhoenixRising8]

You have 2 things going against you: he's married and he's 20 years older. If you get sucked into a PA it will be amazing until it isn't. The roller coaster will be brutal for your physical and mental health. IF he actually did leave for you, the age difference won't bother you now, as it obviously doesn't but I can assure you when you are 50 and he is 70, you will notice it big time. I can attest to both, having married a man 18 years older and subsequently having had an affair. Neither was worth it.

[stillafool]

At 30 do you really have time to waste on a MM? Wouldn't it be better to save your flirting for a man who might actually be available for a relationship in case you fall in love?

[mark clemson]

Yeah. You'd be wise to walk away from this. Particularly in a work context.

[lana-banana]

You have 2 things going against you: he's married and he's 20 years older.

 

Let's not forget that he's in a position of superiority, i.e. he's her boss, directly or indirectly, or at least someone with power over her. There's a lot of daylight between 30 and 20 but you are still probably not at a point where you can just start fresh if your career implodes. You shouldn't need us to say it, but OP, you are absolutely boned when things go south.

 

Forget about how hot he is. He's currently trying to determine if you're reckless, desperate, and/or lonely enough to have an affair. Is that attractive to you? Do you like the thought of a man trying to suss up your self-worth, to see if you'll sacrifice your long-term stability for some short-term excitement? Do you like the thought of a married man idly texting you while in bed with his wife or having dinner with his family?

 

The world is full of single men who would love to be your full-time companion and not a dirty little secret, who will meet you as equals rather than attempt to manipulate you. You need to ask yourself why you find this situation attractive because otherwise you'll be powerless to resist.

[MysteryLuvsCompany8]

Let's not forget that he's in a position of superiority, i.e. he's her boss, directly or indirectly, or at least someone with power over her. There's a lot of daylight between 30 and 20 but you are still probably not at a point where you can just start fresh if your career implodes. You shouldn't need us to say it, but OP, you are absolutely boned when things go south.

 

Forget about how hot he is. He's currently trying to determine if you're reckless, desperate, and/or lonely enough to have an affair. Is that attractive to you? Do you like the thought of a man trying to suss up your self-worth, to see if you'll sacrifice your long-term stability for some short-term excitement? Do you like the thought of a married man idly texting you while in bed with his wife or having dinner with his family?

 

The world is full of single men who would love to be your full-time companion and not a dirty little secret, who will meet you as equals rather than attempt to manipulate you. You need to ask yourself why you find this situation attractive because otherwise you'll be powerless to resist.

 

 

I definitely concur this statement in regards to him trying to pick up on a read if I'm down for an A. I've heard rumors about him being involved with staff before and as quiet as kept I've heard this is how he met his wife... I think what I found interesting about this was more so the attention however I try to keep in mind I am an attractive woman and many will find me attractive therefore I should not feed much into unless I want to end up being an OW in which is doing a disservice to myself due to the fact I plan to have something more substantial and long term for my future. I'll eventually meet someone that is available because I keep pretty busy and travel a lot

[MysteryLuvsCompany8]

Let's not forget that he's in a position of superiority, i.e. he's her boss, directly or indirectly, or at least someone with power over her. There's a lot of daylight between 30 and 20 but you are still probably not at a point where you can just start fresh if your career implodes. You shouldn't need us to say it, but OP, you are absolutely boned when things go south.

 

Forget about how hot he is. He's currently trying to determine if you're reckless, desperate, and/or lonely enough to have an affair. Is that attractive to you? Do you like the thought of a man trying to suss up your self-worth, to see if you'll sacrifice your long-term stability for some short-term excitement? Do you like the thought of a married man idly texting you while in bed with his wife or having dinner with his family?

 

The world is full of single men who would love to be your full-time companion and not a dirty little secret, who will meet you as equals rather than attempt to manipulate you. You need to ask yourself why you find this situation attractive because otherwise you'll be powerless to resist.

 

Another thing I found interesting and that this person is a different race from what I've been closely involved with before... I think the idea was more thrilling and taboo because of this...

[lana-banana]

...I've heard rumors about him being involved with staff before and as quiet as kept I've heard this is how he met his wife...

 

You could see these red flags from outer space.

 

I think what I found interesting about this was more so the attention

 

This is even less flattering than you thought before. Who cares if he's giving you attention? This is a hobby for him: it's entertainment, a sport, a thing he does to pass the time. You know you're not the first and you're definitely not going to be the last. Do not be flattered that an older man wants to make you a notch on his belt. You should be disgusted.

[stillafool]

Plus the fact that other co workers know that he's done this before with other women. Yuck! There's nothing special about his pursuing you as this is what he does and when he gets tired of you he will pursue another one. Why would a known cheater be attractive to you?