olimp Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 Well I thought I might find some advice here as I noticed some post about polyamorous relationships here. If anyone has any advice then please share. The background: I've been with my wife for 14 years now, and ~2 years ago we married. We're both 30 years old. However, she recently told me that she is poly and apparently also loves my best friend, whom we have both known for about 9 years. From what she told me they started to feel something to each other some time before our marriage, but kept it a secret. Neither me nor my wife have ever had any other partners before. We're both our 1st ever choices and somehow we worked out all the problems we ever faced together. The problem: We had quite a few heated arguments regarding her confession that she now also loves another man. Of all the people it had to be my best friend. While I try my best to understand and somehow support her, I struggle with the idea of her going to bed with another man. We have already arranged that she could visit him every once in a while and although nothing really happened during her 1st trip I was nearly devestated. I don't have any friends whose sexual orientation isn't straight or poly for that matter. Thus I cannot really ask anyone about their opinion or advice. I still love her and secretly hope that this is just a phase. Should I tell her to pick only one, she'd be devestated and might not remain sane after that. Basically I can only try to fix something on my end. I feel like I've missed something during the past 14 years and she seeks compensation in another man. Any piece of advice how to cope with this? I do not wish to lose either my wife nor my friend, but I do not feel like this kind of a relationship is for me. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 She's not polyamorous, she's just a cheater. I believe polyamory involves the agreement of both partners. She's trying to just clean up her infidelity by calling it polyamory. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 I am sorry that you are going through this heartache but this just sounds like a double betrayal IMO. You deserve so much better than this. If it were me I would end it and let them be together. I'm a bit jaded though... I caught my xH in bed with my bestfriend... that was over 30 years ago and it still pisses me off. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 Sorry but your wife is full of it. She has been cheating on you all this time behind your back and now wants your permission to continue. Read the 180 and do it. Find the best divorce lawyer in your area and hire them. Next time your wife wants to take a trip to see her f-buddy hand her divorce papers and say never come back. Your wife isn’t poly anything. She is a cheater 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 Why would you want to stay with your wife that has been cheating on you all of these years? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 I agree with CO, she is attempting to legitimize the fact that she has been/wants to cheat on you with your best friend. Polyamorous/open relationships generally benefit both partners. What’s in this for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author olimp Posted August 22, 2019 Author Share Posted August 22, 2019 Well from what I can tell they never had an intercourse. We live in a different town and have always met together on weekends. Up to 1-3 times a month. Apparently she grew fond of him to an extent where she calls it love. As for why I wish not to lose her- the amount of positive things about her outweight this situation. Also I do not think cheating, as in going to bed is her primary goal. I mean she did say, that if this is supposed to be a poly relationship it might involve an intercourse at some point. However, she requested him to get a medical check and agreed to having an after pill should anything go wrong. Ocasionally she does say, that should i not be able to go through with this anymore, she'll break all contact with him. However, I would prefer it didn't come to this. Afterall we all have known each other for quite a long time for todays standards. Last time I tried talking he r out of this idea, she ended on pacifier pills. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 (edited) What is a pacifier pill? Does that mean that the last time you tried to talk to her about ending contact with this man, she needed anxiety medication? Please let us know if I’m not reading that correctly. Otherwise, I think it’s already too late for you to keep this relationship with your friend. Your wife loves your best friend. I don’t see how you come back from that... As to whether they have/have not had sex, I personally don’t believe that they haven’t had sex. And, do you not already use birth control? Why would she need the morning after pill. Honestly, her thinking about this whole thing is a little off - she is minimizing the whole situation. Ie. “IF this is going to be a poly relationship, it MIGHT involve intercourse.” Do you have children with this woman? Edited August 22, 2019 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 Well from what I can tell they never had an intercourse. We live in a different town and have always met together on weekends. Up to 1-3 times a month. Apparently she grew fond of him to an extent where she calls it love. . I see. So do you have cameras on both your wife and friend that allows you to know their exact whereabouts every minute of everyday.? What makes you so sure that they were not meeting each other in secret? At the very least they were definitely carrying on an emotional affair behind your back. Probably lots of texting and sexting. But your wife says she's had feelings for him before she even married you so this has been going on a long time and so this has probably been a full blown emotional and physical affair. Your wife has found a clever way to cheat right in front of you. Actually it's not really clever as most spouses would never fall for so much tripe. I'm sorry to say that you are being made a fool of. Your best friend (actually he's no friend) must think you're a total putz. Your wife says she will take the morning after pill after she screws him? So she's told you that she's going to be having unprotected sex with this guy and you're okay with that? Sorry to be crude but are you really cool with your wife coming home with another man's sperm inside of her? That stuff is hard to totally wash out once it's inside and you could very well be coming into contact with his cum yourself when you have sex with your wife. But hey, whatever floats your boat. If you're okay with this level of disrespect then go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 Olimp, I really really wish you valued yourself enough to say "**** no" to this level of utter and complete bull****. I'd wish them both well and cut both of them completely out of your life. If you don't, I see a point not too far down the road where they'll happily do that to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 Your wife says she will take the morning after pill after she screws him? So she's told you that she's going to be having unprotected sex with this guy and you're okay with that? Sorry to be crude but are you really cool with your wife coming home with another man's sperm inside of her? Not only that, but if she does get pregnant - how can you know it’s your child? If she has asked him to get a medical, she is planning to have sex with him. If she hasn’t already... The fact that you are even considering such an arrangement and say she is worth all this ... As the saying goes, they are laughing all the way to the bank. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 This isn't poly. This is her wanting to open the marriage or cheating. Right now she just disclosed an emotional affair. And there might be a physical affair already underway. If not, sounds like it is going there soon. This isn't poly. Not unless you agree to it. I see this crap all the time. People dress it up under a term like poly and throw it in their partner's lap to deal with and hide behind a term to make it their partner's issue. Misguided newly minted Buddhists do something similar on an emotional level for example. And it is crap. If you're not down with this you need to say so. Either give her an ultimatum or just divorce her. But don't try to tolerate something that is intolerable to you. Also, your best friend is a Stage 5 douchebag. Get rid of him. Best of luck! Mrin 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 Last time I tried talking he r out of this idea, she ended on pacifier pills. Can't help but wonder what discussion you've had with your 'friend'? olimp, in an overall sense, a relationship is supposed to work for both parties. What does your wife propose you do while she's off fulfilling her poly ambitions? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 She's trying to condition you into accepting the arrangement. Accept it at your own peril or get your own girl friend. Does she have a best friend you can fall in love with? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 Last time I tried talking he r out of this idea, she ended on pacifier pills Does she have genuine, ongoing emotional issues? If not, this sounds to me like manipulation. She's not going to get whatever she wants, so she just cries and you come running to be her white knight? And she has you so wrapped around her finger she can even have sex with another man now and you let her do so? If it's a true open marriage then you should start selecting some GFs on your side. But it's not a true open marriage because 1) it would be discussed in advance, 2) there would be no emotional commitment to 3rd parties and 3) it would be fair to both of you. I think the likelihood of this ending well is very low indeed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 Sounds like codependency on your part. What's there really to love about this situation? Shes just a typical cake eater. Sounds like you're in the denial/comfort zone so you don't have to make a decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Author olimp Posted August 23, 2019 Author Share Posted August 23, 2019 Thanks for all the anwsers. I did actually consider the fact that she might be cheating, but I ruled that out. The reason for that is that we live 150 km apart and have one car, so she couldn't have visited him. This and other smaller details seem to check out. Also he did try to get his own girlfriend on three seperate occasions during this time, but each time he failed to keep his relationship going. We, as in my wife and I, keep doing the same stuff we've been doing for the past decade and I feel like she still has the same affection towards me. You could say that it is in the small details of everyday life. She calls me with the same frequency while I'm at work and supports me during harder times. We still plan a whole lot of stuff regarding our future, including kids, and other everyday things in which we both equally share the costs. As for her emotional status I'd say she's rather stable, but the fact that she confessed took a toll on her and that's the reason she bought some anxiety pills. Not some strong stuff, just ones you can get without a prescription so she could continue going to work. She did put them aside after a short while. Upon inspection most of the pills were still in the container (like 90%). Also the other guy suggested we all went and see a psychologist to help out with this situation. Moreover, when she confessed we lost contact with the other guy for a month or so. He wouldn't respond to either of us on any communication application including traditional phone calls. Regarding the poly status we did sit down and write down the arrangements of this relationship. Including stuff concerning possible children as well as what they can and cannot do while they're meeting. Basically I hold the veto card on this thing and can break it all up at any given time. Stuff like accidental rubber breaking are also included in this. I did consider finding another woman in retaliation, perhaps even her bestfiend who lives next door actually, but that would put the other woman in more trouble than it's worth it. She had several failed attempts at finding a man for herself. Moreover, she has no clue about this situation. In fact i think that finding another woman would be a jerk move for the new party. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 If this is something you can tolerate and I have every indication on your part that you can, then drive her down to your friends house for a week long fling. It sounds as if they will let you watch - if you like. Or you could dump her, which is what the majority of men in your position would do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 I can't believe I'm reading this... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 Regarding the poly status we did sit down and write down the arrangements of this relationship. Including stuff concerning possible children as well as what they can and cannot do while they're meeting. Basically I hold the veto card on this thing and can break it all up at any given time. Stuff like accidental rubber breaking are also included in this. Oh, ok, so you've already given them your blessing. Then, what exactly are you asking for advice about here? (What kind of anxiety pills can you get OTC???) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 Then, what exactly are you asking for advice about here? I think what he is asking is: is this a really stupid thing to do? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 I think what he is asking is: is this a really stupid thing to do? Oh, ok, gotcha. Yes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 It is difficult to believe that someone would consider this. And, I’m with you CO, I’m not aware that you can buy any anxiety meds over the counter... OP, I think you are way too trusting. Be careful here and I personally would never bring children into this little arranagement, the risk that this is going to blow up is high and a child deserves a stable home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 OP, you are being incredibly naive about this. I get that it's probably your way of protecting yourself and trying to convince yourself this isn't as bad as it really is, and doesn't spell a lot of trouble for your marriage. But it does. What she is proposing isn't polyamory. This is her never having explored any other men and her being in love with someone else. This is also a recipe for disaster, incorrectly cloaked with a "polyamory" title. You are almost surely going to regret giving her the green light here. You're not mentally prepared for it (the language you use to describe the situation gives that away) and are apparently only going along with it because you're afraid of losing her if you say no. But buddy, she's already got one foot out the door. If this works well between her and her lover, you better be prepared to be single. This is very likely the beginning of the end of your marriage, if you proceed with this terribly ill-advised plan. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 she wants her cake and eat it... and you are cooking the cake... Link to post Share on other sites
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