Polyamorous wife

[amaysngrace]

Does she have a pretty best friend?

 

Give her a call.

[mark clemson]

Does she have a pretty best friend?

 

 

I did consider finding another woman in retaliation, perhaps even her bestfiend who lives next door actually, but that would put the other woman in more trouble than it's worth it. She had several failed attempts at finding a man for herself. Moreover, she has no clue about this situation.

In fact i think that finding another woman would be a jerk move for the new party.

 

 

You sound like a nice guy. Maybe too nice.

 

In a true polyamory situation it wouldn't be in retaliation, it would be your equal right within the agreement. That said, picking a SO best friend would often be off limits for obvious reasons.

 

 

Since you apparently intend to go through with this, you may find the website below helpful.

 

Still in agreement with most above that this has a high potential to end badly...

 

Warning: before you click - this guy writes quite a bit about BDSM as well as polyamory, so if BDSM bothers you be careful clicking around his site. There is also nudity on some of the pages on his site.

 

https://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html%20

[schlumpy]

Be careful here and I personally would never bring children into this little arranagement, the risk that this is going to blow up is high and a child deserves a stable home.

 

I think he was referring to the children that may possibly be fathered by her lover(s).

[elaine567]

(What kind of anxiety pills can you get OTC???)

Herbal and other natural supplements can be used for anxiety and can be bought OTC.

[DKT3]

The problem with these forced open marriages is the one forcing it usually doesn't give much thought to the spouse/partner actually doing the same. Thier selfishness have blinded them to the possibility. Or worse, they dont veiw their partner as desirable so not likely to find someone.

 

I'm not a fan of playing games in relationships, but the best thing you can do right now is make her put that shoe on her foot. Find someone asap, the way she reacts to this will be your answer. Note. I'm not suggesting that you have sex, just go meet someone you might be interested in and tell your wife.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Herbal and other natural supplements can be used for anxiety and can be bought OTC.

 

It seems odd he'd mention it if it was just a vitamin.

[elaine567]

This is madness, you are only 30. Put a stop to this immediately.

She is in love with and apparently always has been in love with your best friend.

You can't fix that.

An open marriage will be a disaster for you.

DO NOT bring children into this mess.

 

Divorce and move on.

[elaine567]

It seems odd he'd mention it if it was just a vitamin.

Probably not a vitamin.

A herb maybe. Plenty used to treat anxiety.

[Rayce]

Probably not a vitamin.

A herb maybe. Plenty used to treat anxiety.

 

maybe some weed

[elaine567]

maybe some weed

Possibly...

[Beendaredonedat]

Op: You're not going to leave her and you seem very reluctant to sever the friendship you have with the other man she says she "loves" *rolls eyes* (its amazing how many people mistake "love" for infatuation or lust.). So... why the thread? Why not just learn to accept the situation so that it no longer bothers you?

 

You can get help for your codependency with a therapist that is proficient in dealing with the issue.

 

Do you think you yourself are capable of having your own other person to "love?" (infatuate/lust after) If you think you are then you would be very foolish not to pursue your own outside interests so that if/when she leaves you for him, you will have a soft place to land.

 

BTW: It is NOT cheating if she is open about it and you accept it... which you are doing but you don't like it.

 

Google "compersion" and read about how people in TRUE polyamorous relationships deal with their jealousy. Maybe you will be able to tolerate what you are enabling better if you can learn to cope.

[salparadise]

The only way this can end even slightly well is if:

a) you say NO and she complies as she said she would, and

b) you both terminate all contact with this guy (the so called friend).

 

Otherwise you're going to end up being a cuckold husband, and I don't think all the drugs in the pharmacy would enable you to cope.

 

You need to grow a backbone here and demand what's right –– for you! Do you have so little respect for yourself that you don't believe you deserve a real wife? Then tell her you're done with this bullsh*t, and she has two options –– put this episode in the past and never speak of or to him again, or pack the bags and never come back. This is just nuts. What you want is important, and you are under no obligation to entertain such absurdity.

[IslandSanctuary]

Ask yourself one honest question - 'Do I really want to be with a woman that wants this?'

 

Man up and go after what you want.

[usa1ah]

Thanks for all the anwsers.

 

I did actually consider the fact that she might be cheating, but I ruled that out.

The reason for that is that we live 150 km apart and have one car, so she couldn't have visited him. This and other smaller details seem to check out. Also he did try to get his own girlfriend on three seperate occasions during this time, but each time he failed to keep his relationship going.

 

We, as in my wife and I, keep doing the same stuff we've been doing for the past decade and I feel like she still has the same affection towards me. You could say that it is in the small details of everyday life. She calls me with the same frequency while I'm at work and supports me during harder times. We still plan a whole lot of stuff regarding our future, including kids, and other everyday things in which we both equally share the costs.

 

As for her emotional status I'd say she's rather stable, but the fact that she confessed took a toll on her and that's the reason she bought some anxiety pills. Not some strong stuff, just ones you can get without a prescription so she could continue going to work. She did put them aside after a short while. Upon inspection most of the pills were still in the container (like 90%). Also the other guy suggested we all went and see a psychologist to help out with this situation. Moreover, when she confessed we lost contact with the other guy for a month or so. He wouldn't respond to either of us on any communication application including traditional phone calls.

 

Regarding the poly status we did sit down and write down the arrangements of this relationship. Including stuff concerning possible children as well as what they can and cannot do while they're meeting. Basically I hold the veto card on this thing and can break it all up at any given time. Stuff like accidental rubber breaking are also included in this.

 

I did consider finding another woman in retaliation, perhaps even her bestfiend who lives next door actually, but that would put the other woman in more trouble than it's worth it. She had several failed attempts at finding a man for herself. Moreover, she has no clue about this situation.

In fact i think that finding another woman would be a jerk move for the new party.

 

If they have ever meet by themselves then they have cheated on you.

 

If you want to stay blinded to the facts that is your choice.

 

Best of luck having your wife have sex with another man. With your blessing this time I guess.

 

Please stop fooling yourself that they haven’t been together already. You don’t get this close by being celibate.

[Buffer]

She's not polyamorous, she's just a cheater. I believe polyamory involves the agreement of both partners. She's trying to just clean up her infidelity by calling it polyamory.

 

Well all I can say is what CO said.

[usa1ah]

I think the problem is where society is renaming everything so it is politically correct.

 

So lets rename cheating poly whatever and it is ok then.

 

Lets say monogamy isn’t normal so cheaters have an excuse for their actions.

 

Until betrayed spouses stop putting up with it, nothing will change.

 

Olimp, until you say enough is enough and stop giving into your wife and “friends BS, this will destroy you and your marriage.

 

Only you have the ability to stop this.

 

It’s just like a spouse that asks for an open marriage because they want permission to have sex with someone they have been having an EA with. That way it’s not cheating, right?

Edited August 25, 2019 by usa1ah

[Beendaredonedat]

Until betrayed spouses stop putting up with it, nothing will change.

I counter with: Until the other man/other woman stops enabling a cheater to cheat, nothing will change.

 

It’s just like a spouse that asks for an open marriage because they want permission to have sex with someone they have been having an EA with. That way it’s not cheating, right?

Well it IS cheating if they are in an emotional affair prior to agreeing to be open. It would not be cheating if they agreed to open marriage before the emotional affair began. Edited August 25, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[mark clemson]

I think a key point with polyamory and open marriages is that it's agreed to before there's any activity (including emotional activity) with other partners. I also believe emotional activity is normally discouraged to prevent bonding that threatens the marriage, except in cases of a throuple or similar.

 

My understanding is that the biological reality for most humans is serial monogamy (which can be restricted to BFs/GFs before marriage) with occasional trysts. One may not agree with the trysts morally or legally but it's apparently the de facto reality. It's not an "excuse" - a tryst is by definition a betrayal of the main partner and thus unethical. It's just what often happens in reality.

[submart]

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS WOMAN!!! And go to individual counseling so you can build your self-esteem to get the heck out of this relationship. As other posters mentioned, you are co-dependent.

[usa1ah]

I counter with: Until the other man/other woman stops enabling a cheater to cheat, nothing will change.

 

Well it IS cheating if they are in an emotional affair prior to agreeing to be open. It would not be cheating if they agreed to open marriage before the emotional affair began.

 

Your counter doesn’t work. Op can only control his own actions, thus betrayed spouses control what happens after the fact.

 

Also there are times when the OM/OW doesn’t know the cheater is in a relationship.

[schlumpy]

I think the problem is where society is renaming everything so it is politically correct.

 

So lets rename cheating poly whatever and it is ok then.

 

Lets say monogamy isn’t normal so cheaters have an excuse for their actions.

 

Let's not minimize psychology's role in this societal trend. Instead of an outcome based cure where the offender actually changes their behavior, psychology, in it's never ending quest to be taken seriously, has focused on helping the offender become comfortable with their actions. Part of that effort is to redefine behaviors once found repugnant by society in such a way that society itself becomes complicit in the behavior.

 

In my opinion of course.

[olimp]

Welp. For starters let me say, that basically you were all correct. Indeed I was cheated on.

 

It turns out, that an ounce, too much, of whiskey really can bring out what subconscience wants to say, but a sober person would never do. In this case it were merely 3 words. And luckily the other guy turned out to be a coward when directly asked about them.

 

Thanks for some insight everyone.

 

I believe I now "would like to play a game" with them. i'll see how long it takes them to figure out how I came to know this.

[usa1ah]

Sorry that you are here in this situation.

 

Best of luck with your plan.

[mark clemson]

Instead of an outcome based cure where the offender actually changes their behavior, psychology, in it's never ending quest to be taken seriously, has focused on helping the offender become comfortable with their actions. Part of that effort is to redefine behaviors once found repugnant by society in such a way that society itself becomes complicit in the behavior.

 

This is a reasonable view. An alternate view would be that society created a structure (marriage) that doesn't actually work very well for many people's natural tendencies. (Instead of being financially entangled with a high "price" for separating, we simply break up and find a new partner instead of having affairs). In a way, society is "complicit" by this view as well.

 

There would be consequences for this approach too, such as having more people who didn't earn as much as their spouse and/or were financially dependent become welfare recipients, broken "families" etc.

 

Of course very few people are forcing anyone to get married these days (shotgun weddings excepted).

 

There's no perfection in the world...

[pepperbird]

This is a reasonable view. An alternate view would be that society created a structure (marriage) that doesn't actually work very well for many people's natural tendencies. (Instead of being financially entangled with a high "price" for separating, we simply break up and find a new partner instead of having affairs). In a way, society is "complicit" by this view as well.

.

 

 

Interesting. The funny thing is that this while thread, and the hundreds and hundreds of others like it would indicate otherwise.

 

When my spouse had an affair, it hurt. It didn't hurt because I was worried about finances or was worried about how we would divide our assets. I'm a big girl. I can look after myself and my kids all alone if need be. I don 't "need" him per se.

 

 

 

It hurt because I loved and trusted him. That's all it was.