5 Month OW, any one else been through similar?

[redtink]

Spent the last few months reading all the threads on this website hoping to apply some of the advice to my own situation but I now feel its the right time to post my story.

 

I've been OW to an engaged man for 5 months. They are in a long term relationship, don't live together and have no children. Never thought I would have ended up in this position as I have myself been a BS & believe me when i say I am not proud of what I've been doing.

 

He has said from very early on that their relationship isn't working and he hasn't been happy for a long time. We both have very deep feelings for each other, spend all day texting, all evening video calling and see each other at every opportunity we get and are intimate with each other. We also share friends in the same friendship group.

 

He has been saying for a long time that he is going to leave his relationship but always had an excuse to put it back; holidays they had booked, family events etc. He has now run out of excuses to use as to why he can't do it yet and we have had a very long and serious chat about whats going to happen. He is terrified of hurting her as she still wants to make the relationship work. I've told him enough is enough now, I'm not willing to carry on the way things are. He has said that he needs to cut contact with me for now to make sure that he is leaving her for the right reasons (which I agree with), but he is still adamant that he is going to leave her. "Its not if, but when."

 

Neither of us want to cut contact with each other, and NC hasn't started properly yet. I'm dreading it because he has such a huge impact on my life. I'm simply going to be miserable but I know its for the best. He has also said he's going to be miserable and wanting to talk to me every second of the day but he is looking at it as a step in the right direction for us to be together.

 

I'm just wondering if anyone else has been through a similar situation and things have actually worked out? A part of me wants to believe NC will work and we will eventually end up together, but I am also not stupid and know how many of these affairs end up.

 

PS. Any tips how to cope with NC are more than welcome.

[Starswillshine]

Tell this poor woman so she has the chance to walk away before she marries this loser and spends years of her life giving to him.

[ajequals]

I'm sorry he putting you through this , he has every opportunity to break it off and be with you right now ,even though you feel he has enriched your life the present hurt you feel greatly outweighs any good you feel he has created..I'd cut him off today and begin looking for his replacement. lots of men out there looking for a sweetheart like you

[BaileyB]

I hate to say it, but you have another conflict avoidant man... they are a dime a souvenir on this website.

 

They are not marriages. He could tell her today that he was ending it and be with you - if he really wanted to be with you. it’s not like they own a home together, share children, and have to divide assets/share custody if they divorce. The fact that he hasn’t ended it with her should tell you everything you need to know...

 

Do you really want a man on your life who doesn’t say he wants to be with you - and is willing to move mountains (or in this case, end his relationship) to be with you?

 

The night my parents met, they were both dating other people. The next day... they were both single and planning their first date, together.

 

You are making it way too easy for him...

 

And finally, I most definitely agree with the above advice. If you want to take on this two timing man, that is your choice... you do it will full knowledge of who he is. His fiancé doesn’t have the same information, and I bet she would really want to know what he has been doing before she stands in front of family and friends and promises to love him forever and ever...

[gettinoverit]

Congrats for having the bravery to post your story here! I haven't yet for obvious reasons!

 

I've been a BS too. We never imagine we will end up in a situation like this, do we? Especially coming from our history. I get it.

 

Anyway - I could go into the why's and wherefores of all this, but there's no point, it's been done to death already and what you need now is practical help for dealing with the God-awful NC period.

 

Here's what's helping me right now:

 

1) Accept that this is the way it's meant to be for now. In fact it NEEDS to be. Consider it an investment that you can't lose in - you either set yourself up for a better future with him, or you get over him. Starting a new relationship on as solid a foundation as possible is always best, and starting as APs is NOT a good foundation!

2) Don't think when you walk away things will be all rainbows over there and he will forget you. If he was so happy, none of this would have happened in the first place and if he feels an ounce of what you feel for him, he WILL be missing you too. But maybe he needs to feel your absence from his life to know what he wants. Often I feel OWs prop up a sagging, unhappy relationship.

3) For your own self respect, keep your boundaries rock solid during NC. But to help you, bear in mind this is a temporary state. It's not going to be forever.

4) Keep busy. Such a cliche but it really does help. Do things that make you feel good, especially in the early days when it's going to be at it's worst. Text a friend if you feel like reaching out to him.

5) Plan a "Plan B" future without him. It'll give you an alternative to hang on to.

6) Trust that this is all happening for a reason and is the way things are meant to be.

 

Sorry I have to rush off now, but I hope some of this helps.

[HiCrunchy]

He is not married and has no kids?

What is stopping him from being with u?

 

I suspect he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

[BaileyB]

Loads of spelling mistakes in my post above... Sorry about that, my phone is terrible.

 

The bottom line, if you have your heart set on this man it's time to go no contact, as you have said. If he wants to be with you, he needs to be single. Period. At this point, he is only getting in deeper with the other woman...

 

And absolutely, she needs to know. She needs to know so that she can make an informed decision for her future.

 

If you were engaged and about to marry a man - would you not want to know that he has been engaged in a relationship with another woman before you make a life-long commitment and start a family with him? She will be sad now, but she will be even more upset if she marries this man and then learns the truth...

Edited August 22, 2019 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

There's absolutely nothing keeping him from being with you except himself. He says he's miserable but I bet they are still having sex. If he were serious he would at least break off the engagement to her and tell her he needs time. Instead he puts you on hold. If he's been miserable with her for so long why now does he need time away from you to be sure he's leaving her for the right reasons. He has already stated them and he's miserable. His excuses and story do not line up. He is going to marry her.

[Mrin]

He's a cake eater. Things are either a lot better than he says they are or he's not leaving her because you keep giving it up to him.

 

Cut him off. Do a 180 and see what happens. If he sticks with her then you have your answer - things are a lot better than he says they are.

[mark clemson]

I tend to agree with many of the comments above - he's not even married. Sure, their lives may be entangled somewhat, but he could leave anytime...

 

A part of me wants to believe NC will work and we will eventually end up together, but I am also not stupid and know how many of these affairs end up.

 

I don't think NC will improve the chances that you and he will end up together. He will be seeing his fiancee but not you. That said, IF he ends up breaking it off with her during NC and coming to you, that is probably a good sign. He figured out that he really didn't want to marry her. Not a guarantee by any means, but a good sign for you at least.

 

 

PS. Any tips how to cope with NC are more than welcome.

 

Time with friends; exercise; time in nature; hobbies, esp. social ones; distractions such as good TV or books; casually dating (once you've decided to stop waiting for this guy).

 

Final suggestion: don't put your romantic life on hold too long waiting for this guy. Really he could have left anytime...

[redtink]

I'm new to all this so apologies, I don't know how to reply to you all! Thank you all so much for leaving me a message on my thread.

 

I have thought about telling her many of times. They have been engaged for years but no wedding plans have been made (that I know of) I asked him if he thought he would marry her, and he said no.

 

He has expressed his concerns about their relationship to her, at one point she stopped wearing her ring, but they decided to hold out till after a vacation they had booked with a few other people. That vacation has now recently passed (he said all they did was argue & they slept in different rooms - he was video calling me from his room at night) since he has been back I have voiced my concerns over the affair and that's when he has told me he would like to put things on hold between us, so that he knows he is leaving for the right reasons and also so that she doesn't think he is leaving her for another woman. (A part of me wonders if i had never brought it up, would he have simply carried on having the affair?)

 

I agree with many of you, I am making it way too easy for him. Why would he want to change his situation? NC is my only option. I know he will try break NC and talk to me, especially if I see him out when we are with mutual friends. I am just going to have to be strong and put my foot down. I can't go on like this forever. As many of you probably know the feelings anxiety/depression etc just get so overwhelming at times.

 

Thank you mark & gettingoverit for your NC tips, I will give all of them a go.

 

I appreciate all of your messages, it can be so hard to try figure it all out on my own. Its so easy to believe and fall for everything that he says to me, time to stop following my heart and listen to my head.

[BaileyB]

He has expressed his concerns about their relationship to her, at one point she stopped wearing her ring.

 

If this is true, it won’t come as a huge shock to her when he ends it. I’m not sure what he is waiting for....

 

You seem like such a nice person. Be careful with this one - we know that he is an accomplished liar and that he is capable of cheating on a woman. You really have to ask yourself, is he worthy of your trust?

[stillafool]

 

He has expressed his concerns about their relationship to her, at one point she stopped wearing her ring, but they decided to hold out till after a vacation they had booked with a few other people. That vacation has now recently passed (he said all they did was argue & they slept in different rooms - he was video calling me from his room at night) since he has been back I have voiced my concerns over the affair and that's when he has told me he would like to put things on hold between us, so that he knows he is leaving for the right reasons and also so that she doesn't think he is leaving her for another woman. (A part of me wonders if i had never brought it up, would he have simply carried on having the affair?)

 

.

 

If she had stopped wearing her ring that would mean that she no longer wanted to be engaged to him for whatever reason so he must be the one trying to put their relationship back together. If all they did was argue on their vacation and she isn't wearing the ring, that was the time to tell her that it's over. I think it's low of him to not tell her the truth that he has met you, in love with you and it's over. He gets no scores for lying to her about the reason he wants to break up. This guy is full or it.

[gettinoverit]

If this is true, it won’t come as a huge shock to her when he ends it. I’m not sure what he is waiting for....

 

You seem like such a nice person. Be careful with this one - we know that he is an accomplished liar and that he is capable of cheating on a woman. You really have to ask yourself, is he worthy of your trust?

 

 

Yes I have to admit I go along with this one. OP - even if he DOES leave her, is THIS the guy you want for yourself? We don't know him, only you do, but ask yourself carefully, is this an indecisive man who is a bit weak and has fallen in love with someone else but doesn't want to hurt anyone or be the bad guy by calling it off? OR, is this a liar and a cheat who thinks only of himself? YOU know the answer, more than us. But these are questions I would be asking myself.

 

I called off my own wedding 4 months before.m It was hell. I felt TERRIBLE. I thank GOD every day I had the balls to do it though, because that was NOT the right choice for me (or him!) and we would have eventually divorced and it would have been FAR worse. People call off engagements. They move on. Happens all the time. MUCH harder to stick the bullet back in the gun once you've pulled the trigger. If you follow me!

[BaileyB]

ask yourself carefully, is this an indecisive man who is a bit weak and has fallen in love with someone else but doesn't want to hurt anyone or be the bad guy by calling it off?

 

Except, he is hurting someone - his inability to make a decision, unwillingness to hurt anyone’s feelings, and desire not the be the bad guy is hurting redtink, is it not?

 

I mean, if you are the woman he loves and wants to be with - why is he more concerned about his fiancé’s feelings than your own? Why is he putting his relationship with YOU on hold, because he is afraid of hurting HER? It’s somehow ok for you to be sad, but not the other woman?

 

That doesn’t make any sense. When a man loves a woman, he wants to be with that woman and he doesn’t want that woman to be hurt. If his actions tell you where his heart lays... what does that tell you OP?

[aliveagain]

He's not even married and look what he's already done to the poor woman he's engaged to. Please do her a favour and stop her from making a life changing mistake. He is risking her health, only you know if protection is being used, we can only speculate that it isn't. Wouldn't you want someone to tell you if you were in her position? Please, save this poor woman's life, send her an anonymous registered letter(so you know she gets it) outing the affair. Work on your boundaries so you never allow yourself to make the same poor decisions. There are more then 3 billion men on the planet, couldn't you find one that's single? If they will cheat with you they will cheat on you. Run.