Samakiyah Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 (edited) I’m 32yrs old and I’ve been with my husband for 9yrs married for 2yrs. At the end of June I started having phone conversations (just text) with another guy! Long story short I was just looking for comfort. My husband done compliments me...and I found that I was feeling lonely in that aspect. Anyways..the guy”of course” played that role well and our phone conversations felt really good. Friday 16th August my husband went through my phone and found messages. We don’t go through each other’s phone so I was shocked when he woke me out of my sleep to confront me with the messages. Anyways, he’s currently sleeping on the floor in our room”he doesn’t want the kids to know” and he took his ring off. My question is am I rushing him to start fix things. He doesn’t want me to touch him or get to close! He also said he wants a divorce! I’m hurting and I don’t know what do to. Any advice??! Edited August 20, 2019 by Samakiyah Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 I'm sorry you're in this mess. As for your husband, people can leave marriages for good reasons, bad reasons or no reasons at all. It's not really up to us to decide if his reason is good or bad. However, it's perfectly understandable that he's both angry and hurt knowing that you were emotionally cheating on him. Will he do marriage counselling with you? Link to post Share on other sites
crispytoast Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 Flirting can be innocent. I'm naturally flirtatious with all of my friends male or female. If a relationship meant that I couldn't flirt, it wouldn't go very well. This isn't innocent flirting. This is an emotional affair. He has reason to be upset. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 I’m hurting and I don’t know what do to. Any advice??! Well, now we know how you feel. How does he feel? You don’t seem focused on either him or the damage caused to your marriage, your post is mostly about your reasons and emotional state. He’ll want to see you take responsibility for what’s happened and offer some path forward. Not sure you’re quite there yet... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 Mr Lucky is right. You started this by having an emotional affair with another man. If you love your husband, and HONESTLY want to fix things... then you should start with talking to him, and ask him on what he needs to work through this. Link to post Share on other sites
aria789 Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 Try to talk to him. If he does not want yet, then do not force him. Show your love in actions, in care (as much as possible) and maybe he will start talking to you. Do not push him, he needs to calm down, this is normal. Wish you luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 (edited) I agree with the others' observations that you don't seem all that concerned with your husband or children's well-being due to the fallout from you being caught emotionally cheating on your husband. Just look at the title of your post. The context of it is very telling; "Is flirting a reason to leave?" It wasn't a more remorseful, "I emotionally cheated on my husband and feel terrible about it." You really don't seem invested in your marriage at all. Or you wouldn't have emotionally cheated on your husband. If you want to leave your marriage, then start the process. Edited August 20, 2019 by Watercolors 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 he took his ring off. My question is am I rushing him to start fix things. He doesn’t want me to touch him or get to close! He also said he wants a divorce! I’m hurting and I don’t know what do to. Any advice??! He just discovered he's in an open relationship and he has some catching up to do. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 It's not a good sign that you are focusing on yourself and trying to make your husband look like the bad guy. Why couldn't you ask your husband for more compliments? I know it feels less special if you have to ask but at least you would be stating your needs. My husband was not the most romantic man but he changed that as soon as I told him what I needed to feel loved and valued. Women expect men to read our minds too much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samakiyah Posted August 20, 2019 Author Share Posted August 20, 2019 I'm sorry you're in this mess. As for your husband, people can leave marriages for good reasons, bad reasons or no reasons at all. It's not really up to us to decide if his reason is good or bad. However, it's perfectly understandable that he's both angry and hurt knowing that you were emotionally cheating on him. Will he do marriage counselling with you? No he’s not willing to do counseling Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samakiyah Posted August 20, 2019 Author Share Posted August 20, 2019 Well, now we know how you feel. How does he feel? You don’t seem focused on either him or the damage caused to your marriage, your post is mostly about your reasons and emotional state. He’ll want to see you take responsibility for what’s happened and offer some path forward. Not sure you’re quite there yet... Mr. Lucky I am taking full responsibility of my actions...I may not have stated it in the post but I making changes to correct this wrong. I completely feel for my husband that’s why I’m tying to give him the space he needs but if he’s not willing to counsel that’s where I am scared Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samakiyah Posted August 20, 2019 Author Share Posted August 20, 2019 Mr Lucky is right. You started this by having an emotional affair with another man. If you love your husband, and HONESTLY want to fix things... then you should start with talking to him, and ask him on what he needs to work through this. I’ve been doing this all day everyday since the incident happened! He doesn’t wanna talk period! So that’s why it’s hard for me.i know I ave to go above and beyond to fix my marriage but at this point he doesn’t wanna talk about nothing Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samakiyah Posted August 20, 2019 Author Share Posted August 20, 2019 Try to talk to him. If he does not want yet, then do not force him. Show your love in actions, in care (as much as possible) and maybe he will start talking to you. Do not push him, he needs to calm down, this is normal. Wish you luck. This is exactly what my bestfriend told me, but it’s so hard cause I’m not used to him walking by me and not touching me or saying something foolish..I will try not to push because like u said I will push him and wait until he speaks to me. Thank u Link to post Share on other sites
Flame Aura Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 I’ve been doing this all day everyday since the incident happened! He doesn’t wanna talk period! So that’s why it’s hard for me.i know I ave to go above and beyond to fix my marriage but at this point he doesn’t wanna talk about nothing You don't say exactly what these messages contained, but say they were 'flirty'... assuming the conversation crossed a clear boundary then he has every right to not want to talk to you. I would be divorcing you ASAP. Not sure why you think he should be trying to fix it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samakiyah Posted August 20, 2019 Author Share Posted August 20, 2019 It's not a good sign that you are focusing on yourself and trying to make your husband look like the bad guy. Why couldn't you ask your husband for more compliments? I know it feels less special if you have to ask but at least you would be stating your needs. My husband was not the most romantic man but he changed that as soon as I told him what I needed to feel loved and valued. Women expect men to read our minds too much. First off I’m definitely not makin seem like a bad guy he is the most honorable man I’ve been with but as to answer ur questions...I’ve always been begging for compliments I say this all the time. We would go to dinner and I buy something new or I fix my hair in different styles it does matter he says nothing but what he does and it hurts is highlighted my faults... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 This is exactly what my bestfriend told me, Why didn't you go to your best friend for "comfort" rather than another man? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samakiyah Posted August 20, 2019 Author Share Posted August 20, 2019 You don't say exactly what these messages contained, but say they were 'flirty'... assuming the conversation crossed a clear boundary then he has every right to not want to talk to you. I would be divorcing you ASAP. Not sure why you think he should be trying to fix it. As weird as it might sound and not believable they were not as bad as ppl might think. It’s was a lot “miss talking to u” and stuff like that but I guess because it was a lot and almost every other day so that’s the hurtful part. I’ve never done something like this and I know this is what’s hurting him the most Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samakiyah Posted August 20, 2019 Author Share Posted August 20, 2019 Why didn't you go to your best friend for "comfort" rather than another man? We’re in different countries...she’s from the Caribbean..but I get what ur saying Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samakiyah Posted August 20, 2019 Author Share Posted August 20, 2019 I agree with the others' observations that you don't seem all that concerned with your husband or children's well-being due to the fallout from you being caught emotionally cheating on your husband. Just look at the title of your post. The context of it is very telling; "Is flirting a reason to leave?" It wasn't a more remorseful, "I emotionally cheated on my husband and feel terrible about it." You really don't seem invested in your marriage at all. Or you wouldn't have emotionally cheated on your husband. If you want to leave your marriage, then start the process. See that’s my problem I do wholeheartedly feel horrible about what I did...and if I can take it back I would in a heartbeat! I may not see as such in my post but I do and I don’t wanna leave my marriage. I’m fully invested in my marriage and fixing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 (edited) See that’s my problem I do wholeheartedly feel horrible about what I did...and if I can take it back I would in a heartbeat! I may not see as such in my post but I do and I don’t wanna leave my marriage. I’m fully invested in my marriage and fixing it. The title of your thread implies that you are wondering if flirting is a good enough reason to leave a marriage. Clearly, from your posts, your husband bores you and doesn't compliment you. If he's been this way for 9 years -- you must have already known he was like this when you met him. And, the content of your text messages with that other man isn't the issue; the issue is that you cheated on your husband. Have you apologized to your husband already? Have you told your husband that since he never compliments you, that's why you emotionally cheated? How old are your children? How have you and your husband addressed the strain between you with them? Edited August 20, 2019 by Watercolors 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 ................. Women expect men to read our minds too much. OMG !!! I wish my ex would understand that. When I asked why she didn't ask me to help with things she was blaming me for... I actually got... "I shouldn't have to." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 What is keeping you from getting counseling for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 He's never going to be able to trust you. Do you just think he's supposed to believe whatever you say now as far as, Oh, I don't know the guy, it was only words? He will never have any way of knowing that. He won't be able to trust you. For all he knows, you've been doing this with other guys and been sleeping with them or looking for one to replace him. Nothing you can say will ever convince him otherwise because you've already deceived him. You blew it. If you needed marriage counseling or he didn't give you attention, that's to take up with him or a counselor, not some man on the internet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 Yes it can be. Seems to me, many men have zero tolerance for cheating wives. Loyalty, kindness, purity and innocence are important. Nothing loyal, kind or pure or innocent about a cheating wife... There is also the loss of face, his ego may not accept being second best to another man. Many women will tolerate cheating husbands, as they can prioritise their kids, their home and financial security, over fidelity. Men will often divorce and walk away sooner or later. Even if he does stay, it may take a long time to "fix" even with counselling. Trust once gone is difficult to get back. Of course if your marriage was already "on the rocks" he may use this to divorce you without appearing to be the bad guy. Difficult to say what will happen long term, but as at the moment he is not even talking then you will just have to wait and see. In the meantime find out your rights by consulting a lawyer. Divorce may never happen but you need to be prepared. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 The big problem here is that you are downplaying the seriousness of your actions. Even here you use the word "flirting" in the title of your thread but what you were doing wasn't flirting, it was emotionally cheating. Having a close relationship with another man behind your husband's back isn't flirting, its cheating. Do you understand that? And if you are minimizing your actions to us then I imagine you are doing it even more so with your husband. I bet you have said things to him like he's over reacting and he's making a big deal over nothing because what you did wasn't even that bad. This in turn makes him think that you don't get it and if you don't get how seriously wrong it is than how can he ever trust you again. He thought you were someone that shared his morals and principles but now he thinks he doesn't know you at all. He's wondering what else he doesn't know about you, what other secrets have you kept from him and what unexpected things might you do in the future. He doesn't trust even a little bit because he feels like he doesn't even know you. So stop calling this affair flirting, stop saying anything to your husband that attempts to turn the tables on him or to make it sound like he's being silly or overreacting or being too sensitive because that will just make him more angry and more distrustful of you. Give him space! He just found out you were having this affair less than a week ago, yet in your opening post you sounded annoyed that he doesn't just get over it already. It will be a very long time before he ever trusts you again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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