How much space should I give?

[BaileyB]

I’m 32yrs old and I’ve been with my husband for 9yrs married for 2yrs. At the end of June I started having phone conversations (just text) with another guy! Anyways..the guy”of course” played that role well and our phone conversations felt really good.

 

Agree with Anika, having text conversations with another man who makes you “feel really good” isn’t flirting, that’s an emotional affair. Given more time, it may well have gone further. It’s ended now, because your husband caught you.

 

You say that you are fully invested in fixing your marriage. What have you done to demonstrate that to your husband - actions, not words.

Edited August 21, 2019 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

I’m fully invested in my marriage and fixing it.

 

Samakiyah, here's what unfaithful spouses do -

 

- they lie, if nothing else by omission. In your case, check.

- they deflect, calling it "flirting". Check.

- they rationalize, "I wasn't getting attention". Check.

- they minimize, "I'm trying to talk about it". Check.

 

Do you understand your husband looks at this as though you've cheated on him? This isn't some argument over who's turn it is to take out the trash and the resolution - or lack thereof - is going to set the tone for your marriage for years to come.

 

Think of all the effort it took to plan and maintain this secret communication with your "friend". It will take some multiple of that to get your relationship back on track...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

To answer your original question Samakiyah...

 

I’m not sure that I would leave a marriage if my spouse was texting another man. I take marriage pretty seriously, it’s not a decision to make without careful consideration - particularly if there are children involved.

 

But, you better believe I would leave if my spouse was minimizing the situation (calling it flirting) and not taking definite, concrete actions to prove to me that he understands EXACTLY how serious this is and doing what is required to assure me that this will NEVER happen again.

 

This isn’t something that gets better in a day, or a week, or a month, or a year... This will be with the two of you, for the rest of your relationship. You may/may not be able to move past this, but he will never forget.

[usa1ah]

I’m 32yrs old and I’ve been with my husband for 9yrs married for 2yrs. At the end of June I started having phone conversations (just text) with another guy! Long story short I was just looking for comfort. My husband done compliments me...and I found that I was feeling lonely in that aspect. Anyways..the guy”of course” played that role well and our phone conversations felt really good. Friday 16th August my husband went through my phone and found messages. We don’t go through each other’s phone so I was shocked when he woke me out of my sleep to confront me with the messages. Anyways, he’s currently sleeping on the floor in our room”he doesn’t want the kids to know” and he took his ring off. My question is am I rushing him to start fix things. He doesn’t want me to touch him or get to close! He also said he wants a divorce! I’m hurting and I don’t know what do to. Any advice??!

 

You are/were having a emotional affair. You cheated on you husband and he went through your phone because he k ew something was up.

 

This is fixable only if you realize want you have done and fix your side of if.

 

The marriage problems are on you both equally but the cheating in on you alone.

[usa1ah]

This is exactly what my bestfriend told me, but it’s so hard cause I’m not used to him walking by me and not touching me or saying something foolish..I will try not to push because like u said I will push him and wait until he speaks to me. Thank u

 

I thought he wasn’t paying any attention to you?

 

Now you’re missing the attention he was paying you.

 

This is why your marriage will fail.

 

You are blaming your husband for this. You can’t fix a problem until you realize that the problem is you. Fix yourself with individual counseling then worry about your marriage.

[Samakiyah]

So I made a post recently about what’s going in my marriage. Just to recap I’ve made myself lonely but breaking my husband heart and I’m trying and fighting to fix it. I had an emotional affair.

 

I’ve been texting a guy for 1 month an my husband found the messages. It’s been almost a week now and he still hasn’t tried to have 2 sentences with me. He doesn’t want me to do anything for him. Iron his clothes...wash for him an even cook! He completely shut me out.

 

My question is, how much space and time would he need. It’s a weird question but I just don’t know what to do when he’s not ready to talk. Is a week pushing it? Should I just do what I have to do and just wait on him? Or should I continue to ask forgiveness and prove our marriage is worth it. Am I losing my husband

Edited August 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[S2B]

See that’s my problem I do wholeheartedly feel horrible about what I did...and if I can take it back I would in a heartbeat! I may not see as such in my post but I do and I don’t wanna leave my marriage. I’m fully invested in my marriage and fixing it.

 

What are you doing to fix things in the marriage?

 

Are you seeing a counselor to find out why you cheated and how to fix yourself?

 

Do you work? How old are your kids?

[preraph]

He's never going to trust you again. How could he? Even if he relents and talks to you or has sex, he's always going to harbor resentment and assume you're messing around behind his back.

[aria789]

This is exactly what my bestfriend told me, but it’s so hard cause I’m not used to him walking by me and not touching me or saying something foolish..I will try not to push because like u said I will push him and wait until he speaks to me. Thank u

 

Yes, it’s very hard not to communicate with your loved one. But your husband needs time to calm down a bit.

[schlumpy]

I won't kid you Sama, what you did was a serious betrayal of trust. Since I don't know your husband or culture anything I say you will have to change into something that is acceptable.

 

You have to do something to show you are serious about fixing your marriage. Go to his family and confess. Take complete responsibility. Repeat over and over how you wish to stay in the marriage and return to being their favorite daughter-in-law. If you can convince them that you are filled with remorse and that this was a one time event that will never be repeated then maybe they will help you. You need allies. You won't be able to do this alone.

 

If you belong to a religious organization seek help there.

 

He may get upset about this. I don't know which way it will turn him.

 

At home do what you normally do but with extra care. If you fix dinner make sure it's good dinner. If he won't eat it. Don't complain just throw it away right in front of him and tomorrow make another wonderful dinner.

 

If he wants to blast you just absorb it and let him know how remorseful you are.

 

Do not take physical abuse. If he does that then it is over.

 

Get off of social media. Close it down until this crisis is over one way or another.

 

And please try and take what you did seriously or you will lose your marriage.

 

But I hope you don't.

[Samakiyah]

The title of your thread implies that you are wondering if flirting is a good enough reason to leave a marriage. Clearly, from your posts, your husband bores you and doesn't compliment you. If he's been this way for 9 years -- you must have already known he was like this when you met him. And, the content of your text messages with that other man isn't the issue; the issue is that you cheated on your husband. Have you apologized to your husband already? Have you told your husband that since he never compliments you, that's why you emotionally cheated? How old are your children? How have you and your husband addressed the strain between you with them?

 

Very good points! I have tried asking him for compliments etc. It might seem as a simple gesture but to me it’s a big deal. We have not told our kids. We have 2 girls together and he has 3 with his ex wife. Our girls are 13 and 6yrs and his are 19, 25&26yrs I have apologized every single day...I’ve begged and cried and asked for his forgiveness! I told him the reason I talked to the other person but he just gets hurt all over again.

[Samakiyah]

What is keeping you from getting counseling for yourself.

 

I am doing so. I started doing so before I suggested my husband and I get help!

[Samakiyah]

I thought he wasn’t paying any attention to you?

 

Now you’re missing the attention he was paying you.

 

This is why your marriage will fail.

 

You are blaming your husband for this. You can’t fix a problem until you realize that the problem is you. Fix yourself with individual counseling then worry about your marriage.

 

I think ur mixing the two points up. Compliments and attention I stated. Two different points. If e is walking by and touch me or do something goofy is not the same as telling me u love me regularly or making me feel like I’m the only one standing in a room with many other women..I’ve been begging For this long...atleast 5 out of our 9yrs

[Samakiyah]

I won't kid you Sama, what you did was a serious betrayal of trust. Since I don't know your husband or culture anything I say you will have to change into something that is acceptable.

 

You have to do something to show you are serious about fixing your marriage. Go to his family and confess. Take complete responsibility. Repeat over and over how you wish to stay in the marriage and return to being their favorite daughter-in-law. If you can convince them that you are filled with remorse and that this was a one time event that will never be repeated then maybe they will help you. You need allies. You won't be able to do this alone.

 

If you belong to a religious organization seek help there.

 

He may get upset about this. I don't know which way it will turn him.

 

At home do what you normally do but with extra care. If you fix dinner make sure it's good dinner. If he won't eat it. Don't complain just throw it away right in front of him and tomorrow make another wonderful dinner.

 

If he wants to blast you just absorb it and let him know how remorseful you are.

 

Do not take physical abuse. If he does that then it is over.

 

Get off of social media. Close it down until this crisis is over one way or another.

 

And please try and take what you did seriously or you will lose your marriage.

 

But I hope you don't.

 

 

Thank u so much. This is the best advised I’ve been given. I am very remorseful. I don’t know I I don’t sound so in my title but I’m eating up inside every single second. I wholeheartedly love my husband and I don’t wanna lose him

[S2B]

Do you work enough to support yourself on the money you earn?

[Buffer]

I feel for your husband and your plight.

Your BH, feels as if you have gone out behind his back, lied and stabbed him in the heart.

 

He doesn’t feel safe with you at the moment cause your the reason for his pain.

IC is a good start, but you can’t make him go to MC.

Give him a time line of how this A started and how the how it led to the texting. Show him all of them, even the deleted texts and pictures. To do this you will have to download a deleted text recovery programme.

Your BS needs to know the full extent of the EA. But if there are ones you are too scared to show him. Tell him upfront that once seen they cannot be unseen.

 

Also go totally NC with your EA partner. If you work with him, can you switch locations or job? If the AP works with you how can your BS feel safe?

 

Then tell husband you will have no further contact with him. If your AP reaches out to you tell your BS immediately, don’t delete the text or open the email. Your husband will see this as you are trying to hide this and the EA is continuing.

 

At the moment as it has only been a week, he has no trust in you, even if the EA was just a childish flirtation you have to show him you are trustworthy and earn his love.

 

Good luck

Constantly tell him you are sorry for his pain and continue to reassure him of your love and future fidelity. Your children and he are the reasons you married and you have reinvested in this relationship 110% this is what he needs to hear.

 

He feels cheated, show him that you are safe for

Edited August 26, 2019 by Buffer

[usa1ah]

Very good points! I have tried asking him for compliments etc. It might seem as a simple gesture but to me it’s a big deal. We have not told our kids. We have 2 girls together and he has 3 with his ex wife. Our girls are 13 and 6yrs and his are 19, 25&26yrs I have apologized every single day...I’ve begged and cried and asked for his forgiveness! I told him the reason I talked to the other person but he just gets hurt all over again.

 

Let me guess, you told him that it’s his fault for not paying you enough attention.

 

Are you trying to end your marriage?

 

Him not paying you attention is not why you cheated. Until you understand this you can’t fix what you have done.

[crispytoast]

While what you did is wack, he doesn't sound like he's so great to you either. Staying together for the kids is overrated. If I were you I would be walking out the door.

[mark clemson]

Hmm. While I'm not a proponent of divorce generally (and suspect it might be more problematic in your country/culture than in the US) it's reasonable IMO for each partner to ask that their needs be met (to a reasonable extent) in a marriage.

 

So, if your husband genuinely wasn't meeting your needs, e.g. for attention/affection, then it's on both of you to address that. You need to explain what you need and he needs to deliver to a reasonable extent. If there are barriers to that, you need to mutually address them.

 

However, by having this EA, you've totally messed up that possibility. Now it's on you to address the much greater problem that you created FIRST.

 

IF there is reconciliation, possibly during/after the reconciliation you can find a way to increase/improve having your emotional needs met.

 

Hopefully that will be possible. If your husband really isn't or is no longer capable of meeting your emotional needs, you might consider if divorce make sense.

 

It certainly wasn't fair or ethical of you to cheat on your husband emotionally. It's also not reasonable to force yourself to remain in a marriage that genuinely doesn't meet your needs. No amount of therapy will change you so that you don't have a need to be loved. If your husband really can't meet that need (in the longer term, not right at the moment) IMO there is no point in trying to "therapy" yourself in a (futile) attempt to make yourself right for a situation that really isn't right.

[Mrs._December]

I think ur mixing the two points up. Compliments and attention I stated. Two different points. If e is walking by and touch me or do something goofy is not the same as telling me u love me regularly or making me feel like I’m the only one standing in a room with many other women..I’ve been begging For this long...atleast 5 out of our 9yrs

Why the hell are you choosing to stay in a marriage where your husband wants nothing to do with you? There's GOT to be a payoff for you in doing that, but I can't figure out what that could possibly be.

 

I mean, when you have to BEG for affection and attention year after year after year, what's the damned point?

 

Let me guess - you're financially dependent on him and have no options and can't leave. Otherwise, it makes no sense why you'd stay with someone who seems to be completely detached from you.

 

I think maybe the one having an affair isn't the OP.

[oldtruck]

To repair the damage you have to:

 

Block the OM's number.

Get yourself a new number.

 

Block OM on all means that were used to communicate with you.

Examples FB, email.

 

Offer your BH a timeline of your affair. Yes you had an EA, an

emotional affair. Tell your BH that if has any questions about your

affair you are willing to answer them.

[elaine567]

Why did his first marriage fail?

[LuckyM]

As long as you have not met this man and didn't physically touch him, I don't see a problem with it. Did you discuss intimate things with him?

 

If this is all there is and you have not omitted something, then I think your husband is over reacting, totally. Is there something you forgot to mention? Does husband know this guy?

 

"Emotional affair" is an oxymoron. No such thing, and I know members will disagree. An affair is an affair, implying romance or some sort of sex.( Now the meaning is broadened to include just talking.) This is not cheating in itself --

 

he needs some TLC . You do, too.

[mark clemson]

implying romance or some sort of sex.

 

 

Not sure how you're defining "romance" but think that's exactly what an EA is:

 

Google: Romance - a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love (emphasis mine)

 

Of course, you're entitled to your view.

[mark clemson]

To your point, though, there is definitely a continuum of romantic feelings and very much agree the low end, including casual talking and low level flirting isn't an EA.

 

One problem with texting etc is if the talking/flirting gets at all "racy" it's open to a LOT of interpretation, which might or might not be accurate.

 

So if that's what you're thinking LuckyM, totally agree. (Of course, if you're sending racy texts, or lots of texts, to someone, what exactly IS your SO supposed to think? )