How do I end this nightmare?

[despaired]

So I was ready to break up last night but without yelling and explaining that I've put up with the lying and promises not to lie only to be lied to again and again. I also learned he bought liquor just the other day but when I asked him b/c he was low at my place, he said he would go soon - another lie!!! When I started to say what I wanted to he IMMEDIATELY STOPPED ME and this is what happened:

 

at first he said he was remaining calm and told me he knew he wasn't going to the beach with my family next week (he went last year and it was sort of ugly b/c of the bad feelings between my son and him) and I felt trapped about how I was going to tell my son my bf was coming so I planned to break up with him right before. He then brings me a note he wrote supposedly a few weeks ago which said that "[My bf name} will not be going to the beach because {my name} can't deal with her son's opposition."

 

He said he wrote the note last month b/c he predicted I'd do this. We have gone through similar times where right before a family event I do break up with him but that's because I just didn't want him to be with me at a big event as a result of lying he had be doing right before (again).

 

I did invite my family (not son though) to my home last month and he was invited the whole time and we all spent time together.

 

After giving me the note, he started yelling at me about old stories of how I didn't take him to this or that because I was ashamed to be with him (not sure why he thought that) and he went on and on and every time I tried telling him my son is not the root cause but rather its his lack of trustworthiness and honesty, he denied it and said it was all my fault for not telling my son to back off. He also said his money will never be my business because he's decided to continue to live on his own (that's news to me).

 

He brought up other times when I was seeing others and he accused me of taking them on a trip (which I did b/c we were not getting along at the time) - he said he really resents me for that!!! He asked me if I had sex with the other person I took and what kind of sex and asked all sorts of details...I tried to change the subject but he wouldn't let me yelling at me the whole time.

 

He further kept on yelling "I'm doing you a favor and you can breath easy now and have a great time at the beach!!!" said that many times. But then said:

 

How about if I come down and surprise you with your son and family there - what would you do he asks? Just say "hi" or invite me to stay on the beach and/or go to dinner???? Really???

 

Next he gave me a hug and said "I love your new curves but most men won't". I gained some weight over the last 2 years but I'm still a "normal" size.

 

During some of this conversation, he started pushing on my shoulders around the table and I told him to stop, which he eventually did.

 

Finally, as for the recent lies he told, he said it could have waited until we got back from the beach and I only was doing it to avoid him coming with my family. He added that he said my daughter's live in bf is a loser and my bf will end up taking care of me, my disabled son and my daughter who will move home after her relationship breaks up (he also added that if she marries him, it won't last long)....so hurt!!!!

 

As a PS he called and said we aren't really breaking up...if anyone asks, tell them he couldn't come b/c of his work; also, he wants to take me to a nice dinner this weekend and we aren't breaking up.

 

What do I do now???? Is he right; should I have acted differently? btw, he knows I'm currently coping with one of my best friends dying from cancer and my sister told me last night she may have it too and he knows all of this.

[preraph]

Doesn't sound like he fits into your family, so not sure why you wouldn't break up. I mean, I am not there, so I don't know if it's your fault for your kids having no respect for him or if it's his own. He doesn't sound like any prize, but at least he tells you what he thinks. He shouldn't have to go to family stuff if he's treated badly there .

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Both of you sound toxic. This is a lot of drama. Was/is alcohol or drugs involved?

[spiderowl]

I'm confused about what is happening here. It seems to me:

 

Your boyfriend and your son do not get along and so you exclude your boyfriend from meeting him. Rather than saying your boyfriend cannot join in when your son is there, you break up with your boyfriend - really?

 

Your boyfriend apparently lies to you. You did not say what the lies were about and why he mainly seems to lie to you just before a family gathering that your son will be attending. This is not making sense.

 

Your boyfriend is getting aggressive and angry about the situation. That behaviour is not acceptable but maybe he has cause to feel aggrieved. He should not behave aggressively towards you though, regardless.

 

I think you should break up with him and he should break up with you. You seem to spend a lot of time fighting and the situation with your son is a constant battle. Why are you actually with this boyfriend? Neither of you seem happy.

 

As for him not really breaking up with you, that could mentally confuse you. He is hurting you by saying you a breaking up and then offering you a nice, romantic meal. These are push-pull tactics which can be quite addictive if you are not careful. You end up constantly seeking the good side of the person and ignoring the bad side. It can keep you in a relationship that is, overall, not good for either of you.

Edited August 23, 2019 by spiderowl

[despaired]

let me tell you:

 

He has lied throughout most of our 6 years together on and off. I've broken it off with him 4 times or so b/c of his behavior and each time he promises to stop. He has been putting a lot of pressure on me to move in so his finances are very relevant. He's been increasing lying for several months and we've discussed it numerous times. He promised last year he wouldn't do it again so I proceeded to get my son and him together and it was ok for a few months until he started lying again. I feel like why force my son into something if I myself may not want to continue the relationship. May seem odd but its the truth.

 

My bf said "he did me a favor" by not going away next week with my family and he predicted it a month ago (the note he showed me). Blaming all of this on me and my son and none on himself.

[spiderowl]

What kinds of things does he lie about, despaired?

[despaired]

money...how much he owes; how much he has spent; how much he has

 

relevant b/c he wants to move in with me and I have a good cushion...he doesn't at all. Lives paycheck to paycheck and promised me over and over and over for the last 2 years that he'd be transparent and $ responsible. he pays his bills on time for the 1st time now but still lies about all other money and makes himself seem much more stable than he really is.

[megan4321]

I've broke up with my partner which I should of done along time ago but we hang in there hoping to resolve things, make things better etc. etc.

 

It doesn't get better, in fact it's just crap.

 

If you are both feeling crap why continue?

[stillafool]

You two need to end it and move on. If you are constantly breaking up with him before family events so he doesn't come and he is constantly lying, making promises he doesn't keep what is the purpose of your relationship? He doesn't have to agree to a break up, just do it and move on.