How do I become less selfish/emotional in my relationship?

[lm0905]

My boyfriend and I had a pretty big argument (the biggest we'd ever have; But it wasn't yelling or anything, it was just very serious) - long story short: we were originally going to be long distance for 1 year, and we originally agreed to get engaged within 6 months of October 2019. Since we were going to potentially be long distance, I asked if we could get engaged before the distance started, and he agreed (the distance time got changed to just 2 months instead of 1 year). I was going to look out/pick out a ring this weekend and this past Monday, we kind of started talking about it and then he said, 'why do we have to do it now? what was wrong with our original agreement of within 6 months of October 2019?" (honestly, I had no good reason to push it up). Then he went on to tell me that he feels rushed from our timeline and that he is 'not ready yet' and that it is really selfish of me to push up our timeline for no good reason, and only based on my needs.

 

We also moved across the country and we originally planned on 2-3 years. For personal reasons, I've really not liked it here and have decided to move back to our original city after only 1 year.

 

He basically just told me that I was selfish that I couldn't find a way to stay for the extra year that we agreed upon and how he is making the sacrifice for me/our relationship and staying only 2 extra months.

 

Then, for the past 3 or so days, it's just been really weird with us. We'd get home from work and wouldn't really talk much and there was some tension.

Well, I am a very emotional person, so I've just been crying to him for the past 3 days and asking what can I do to be a better partner and person. He basically told me that I need to stop being selfish and less emotional, and more rational.

 

He also said that when he moves back in December, we'd still obviously be living together, but I need to have my own life outside of him (I don't here in our new city, I never made the effort to go out and make friends so we've just been around each other most of the time). He said that back in our old city, it can't be hanging out with each other every single night. I need to see my own/old friends and build up those friendships again. And if one of us is hanging out with friends, the other doesn't always have to join. And pretty much said that if he comes back and things revert back to me hanging around him the whole time and not having a life outside of him, he'll move right back to the new city and make it permanent.

 

Him and I are going to be away from each other this weekend on pre-planned trips (he is going on a guy's trip and I am going back to the west coast to see family). We agreed that we won't talk/text this weekend, only to tell the other that we landed, but that's it. I think it'll be good for us to not talk for 3 days.

 

I've known that I need to not be selfish and I need to stop being so emotional. I've just bought a couple 'self-help' books on both of these topics, but is there any other advice I could get on how I can 'fix' this?

 

I want to become a better person and grow, but the helping my relationship aspect is a side-effect of changing.

[basil67]

It would seem that your relationship is at a make or break period. As such, it was wise of him to stall your engagement. This stuff needs to be sorted out before you get engaged.

 

With addressing how you are coping in the relationship, first have a look at the goals you share. It seems to me that they aren't aligned. The two of you wanting to live in different places and have different lifestyles. First things first, the two of you need to come to enthusiastic agreement on what your life together should look. When you both know you want the same thing, then you'll be working towards a common goal instead of trying to get your own needs met.

 

All that said, it seems to me like he's pulling away. I suspect he feels that there is not enough commonality to meet both of your needs. Perhaps it's time for you to consider this too.

[MetallicHue]

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong and the way he’s acting is not cool. I think he’s not ready for a commitment and you should move on.

[lm0905]

It would seem that your relationship is at a make or break period. As such, it was wise of him to stall your engagement. This stuff needs to be sorted out before you get engaged.

 

With addressing how you are coping in the relationship, first have a look at the goals you share. It seems to me that they aren't aligned. The two of you wanting to live in different places and have different lifestyles. First things first, the two of you need to come to enthusiastic agreement on what your life together should look. When you both know you want the same thing, then you'll be working towards a common goal instead of trying to get your own needs met.

 

All that said, it seems to me like he's pulling away. I suspect he feels that there is not enough commonality to meet both of your needs. Perhaps it's time for you to consider this too.

 

 

Besides this, him and I actually share everything else in common.

I also think that once he moved back to our hometown (and I’ve gotten my own life outside of him), and he won’t be working for his dad anymore (which I believe is a big reason why he doesn’t want to come home, because when he was working for his dad, he was stuck in a rut), we’ll be fine. Our lives in December when we are both in our hometown will be different than how it was when we moved away. I just don’t think he realizes it yet

[lm0905]

Any other advice guys? I'm pretty anxious here, especially with both of us coming back tomorrow. When he dropped me off at work on Thursday (since I was going straight to the airport after work), we hugged and I said, "I hope we're better when we both get back" and he goes, "I hope so too".

 

I just don't know why he would't want to resolve it before we both left for our respective trips

[lana-banana]

When a guy tells you directly he isn't ready to be engaged, and tells you what you need to change, AND suggests/agrees to go three days without talking, that has to be a flashing red light that your relationship is on thin ice. He is probably looking forward to the trip as a chance to clear his mind and reflect on what he really wants. I would be bracing for a breakup when he comes back.

 

My advice at this point is to prepare for the worst. If he comes back and wants to work things out, then you can talk about what changes you are making and how you intend to be held acountable. But I wouldn't bet on it. If your long-term partner is fine not talking to you for three days, something is very wrong.

[lm0905]

When a guy tells you directly he isn't ready to be engaged, and tells you what you need to change, AND suggests/agrees to go three days without talking, that has to be a flashing red light that your relationship is on thin ice. He is probably looking forward to the trip as a chance to clear his mind and reflect on what he really wants. I would be bracing for a breakup when he comes back.

 

My advice at this point is to prepare for the worst. If he comes back and wants to work things out, then you can talk about what changes you are making and how you intend to be held acountable. But I wouldn't bet on it. If your long-term partner is fine not talking to you for three days, something is very wrong.

 

I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst (I think that's the saying?). But on most of the other guys trips he's gone on, him and I usually don't talk anyways since he's busy doing his thing and hanging out with people that he only sees once a year

[Watercolors]

Then he went on to tell me that he feels rushed from our timeline and that he is 'not ready yet' and that it is really selfish of me to push up our timeline for no good reason, and only based on my needs.

 

Cold feet is not a good sign.

 

We also moved across the country and we originally planned on 2-3 years. For personal reasons, I've really not liked it here and have decided to move back to our original city after only 1 year.

 

Wait...so you are going to leave your boyfriend behind now? Did you two discuss this at length, or did you just decide to do this after your big argument happened? What are your plans? Do you have the savings? A place to live? A job waiting for you? What don't you like about where you live right now?

 

He basically just told me that I was selfish that I couldn't find a way to stay for the extra year that we agreed upon and how he is making the sacrifice for me/our relationship and staying only 2 extra months.

 

So, was it his job that brought you to this new city that you don't like at all? Or did you both move there without jobs?

 

Then, for the past 3 or so days, it's just been really weird with us. We'd get home from work and wouldn't really talk much and there was some tension. Well, I am a very emotional person, so I've just been crying to him for the past 3 days and asking what can I do to be a better partner and person. He basically told me that I need to stop being selfish and less emotional, and more rational

.

 

He's probably frustrated that he sacrificed a lot to move across country because you agreed to it, and then you plan to leave him there because you don't like the city.

 

He also said that when he moves back in December, we'd still obviously be living together, but I need to have my own life outside of him (I don't here in our new city, I never made the effort to go out and make friends so we've just been around each other most of the time).

 

Is he planning to leave the new city to move back to your original city after you leave? I'm confused. Why haven't you made the effort to meet people in this city?

 

He said that back in our old city, it can't be hanging out with each other every single night. I need to see my own/old friends and build up those friendships again. And if one of us is hanging out with friends, the other doesn't always have to join. And pretty much said that if he comes back and things revert back to me hanging around him the whole time and not having a life outside of him, he'll move right back to the new city and make it permanent.

 

You shouldn't rely on your boyfriend for your entire social life. That's not healthy at all. You both need to have your own set of friends, your own set of hobbies, and your own outlets. You can't be each other's "everything" all the time. That's not a healthy relationship. That's a suffocating relationship. There has to be some independence. You sound very codependent. Have you sought therapy for that before?

 

Him and I are going to be away from each other this weekend on pre-planned trips (he is going on a guy's trip and I am going back to the west coast to see family). We agreed that we won't talk/text this weekend, only to tell the other that we landed, but that's it. I think it'll be good for us to not talk for 3 days.

 

I think space is good. That is never a bad thing when you're in a relationship. Space is necessary to keep the relationship healthy.

 

I've known that I need to not be selfish and I need to stop being so emotional. I've just bought a couple 'self-help' books on both of these topics, but is there any other advice I could get on how I can 'fix' this?

 

It is very selfish to put so much pressure on your boyfriend to do everything for you all the time. Your relationship sounds very one-sided, like, he's the bread winner and you're the codependent who refuses to make new friends or do anything independent of your boyfriend. That is suffocating him and will destroy your relationship if you can't learn how to cope with the anxiety you must feel when he's not around?

 

I want to become a better person and grow, but the helping my relationship aspect is a side-effect of changing.

 

I would recommend therapy with a cognitive behavior therapist to learn more about codependency and how to deal with it so that you can become more independent.

[S2B]

Become less selfish by considering others feelings. Spend some of your time every week volunteering.

 

I can’t help but wonder why you are rushing him to marry you?

 

Never, ever beg some one to love you.

 

If it’s not right then break up.

 

Find a purpose in your life... so a man isn’t a big part of your daily living. Stay busy and productive.

 

Be kind and giving to others - especially strangers who you will get nothing from.