Veryunlucky Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 This question is for wives who will not have sex with their husband. This is my story. I am 45 wife is 40. Dated 7 years before marriage. Got married at 31, wife 26. Everything was good up until we had a child when she was 30. No sex after that. My question to wives is how do you expect your husband to stay in the marriage when you turn cold? Why wouldn’t he have an affair and how could you justify being upset. If he agrees to stay in the marriage and keep his affair discreet why would a wife have a problem with that? My wife not only will not have sex she hates any touching and forget hugs. Even if she does not want intercourse it looks like to me if she loved me just a little she would be willing to at least cuddle with me. For 11 years we had great sex and she was a very touchy hugging person. Now she wants me to sleep in another room. How can she possibly expect me to live this way? And I have tried to talk with her and we have been to a thearpy. None of my needs are met. Zero. Does she just not care? Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 Maybe, but be a decent man and divorce her rather cheat on her. Although I would first suggest something a little radical, in try to discover her unmet needs first and try your very best, so you can say you've given it every shot. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 Although I would first suggest something a little radical, in try to discover her unmet needs first and try your very best, so you can say you've given it every shot. Veryunlucky, I'm afraid he's on to something. Unless your wife was kidnapped by aliens 11 years into the relationship, there's a real-world reason for the sexual and physical disconnect beyond her pregnancy 10 years ago. She doesn't appear to like you very much. It seems strange to me you don't touch on that in your post... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 Sex is by no means the main reason women get married. Kids are. So a lot of women do not understand what all the hurrah is about you feeling sex is the most important thing. If you don't like it, just leave instead of stewing about it. If she knew that was your main care, she would probably want you to leave anyway. Women like to think there's more to life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Veryunlucky Posted April 25, 2019 Author Share Posted April 25, 2019 Mr lucky, believe me I have touched on the subject of her feelings for me a million times. Because I feel very unloved. She claims she loves me very much IN HER OWN WAY. Whatever that means. Her way does not meet any of my needs. When I have brought up divorce she reminds of the vows I took and the promises I made to her. I don’t want to leave her and I do love her very much but it is killing my soul to live like this. It doesn’t seem to bother her. It looks like to me if she cared anything about me she would try to meet some of my needs, just a little. I have been a very good provider and faithful husband and I am a very good father. I am active in my community and at church. My wife is not a good housekeeper so I do most of the housework and cooking. I love her but she is killing me. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 She's probably thinking if you cared about her, you'd take care of your own needs. Seriously. Just saying there's a big gulf here where you don't understand where the other is coming from. Her priority is not sex. It's too bad there's not some desire there on her part, but it is what it is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 She claims she loves me very much IN HER OWN WAY. Whatever that means. Her way does not meet any of my needs. How would you feel about her faking sexual desire and having obligatory sex to keep you happy? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 How would you feel about her faking sexual desire and having obligatory sex to keep you happy? I would never want a woman to do that but if my wife had no desire for me and it continued for a long time we would have to have a discussion. A marriage without sexual desire is one I would not want to be in. Maybe that makes me shallow but if your spouse is not hot for you then you can't really have too happy a marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Veryunlucky Posted April 25, 2019 Author Share Posted April 25, 2019 Why I don’t care of my own needs? Are you serious? I married her because I love her and want to be life partners. In case you don’t know, sex is essential for many reasons in any devoted relationship. Sex helps bond the relationship and creates a broader sense of intimacy. People who have sex regularly have higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin (which helps fight disease). Sex makes you sleep better. Sex releases oxytocin which decreases heart problems, it can help with pain control. It is good for emotional health, it raises your sense of well being and satisfaction with yourself. You feel more confident in other areas of your life. It maintains a level of intimacy that both husband and wife need to succeed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 See if she'll take Chapman's love language's quiz with you. She maybe thinks she is doing all sorts of things to make you happy but they aren't the things you care about and vice versa. Has there literally been zero sex since first child or just very rare? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Veryunlucky Posted April 25, 2019 Author Share Posted April 25, 2019 Let’s get back to my original question. What are the reasons a wife would think it is normal not to ever have sex and that their husband Has to settle for that? I have expresses my unhappiness and she reminds me of vows. I will add a little more background. My wife was a beauty queen. She could have married anyone she wanted. That’s is why I dated her so long before marriage. I wanted to be sure of my feelings and hers. My wife chased me, I did not chase her. She ask me to marry her. Since our child she has not lost her pregency weight. I could care less about that because I love her no matter what but I know the weight bothers her. I’s the person she is or was that I like love not the physical body. Now days I am not sure who she is anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 She probably doesn't think it's normal, but she has no sex drive. That's why I asked you how you'd feel if she faked it to make you happy. I wasn't trying to be snarky....it's a genuine question. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 Sounds like you rely on sex for too much. That said, it's too bad she doesn't feel the desire sometimes, even if it's not enough to keep you feeling good about yourself. Why I don’t care of my own needs? Are you serious? I married her because I love her and want to be life partners. In case you don’t know, sex is essential for many reasons in any devoted relationship. Sex helps bond the relationship and creates a broader sense of intimacy. People who have sex regularly have higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin (which helps fight disease). Sex makes you sleep better. Sex releases oxytocin which decreases heart problems, it can help with pain control. It is good for emotional health, it raises your sense of well being and satisfaction with yourself. You feel more confident in other areas of your life. It maintains a level of intimacy that both husband and wife need to succeed. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 I don't think so at all preraph, OP is it literally zero sex since first child or rare? HUGE difference. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 Lots of women stop having sex for some time after having a baby. They're all about the baby and don't always feel energized enough to feel the need. Kids are totally draining until they go off to kindergarten. Also, just to be sure, what about birth control? Is she on it? Because maybe she doesn't EVEN want to get pregnant again anytime soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 If its literally zero then there are other questions: like could she be closeted but wanted a child, does she have problems against using birth control but not want another child, having an affair, etc... Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 Could be her weight. You mentioned she hasn’t lost her pregnancy weight. If she was a “Beauty queen” and very attractive, then the weight gain probably bothers her. If she’s tried to lose it, but unsuccessfully, this might frustrate her, which isn’t good for self esteem ..... which isn’t good for libido. It’s all connected, and can be a vicious cycle. If she’s stressed with the child and the household (you say she’s not a good housewife), and maybe a job, that doesn’t help with weight loss, either. She might not feel good about her body. Sounds like an easy explanation, maybe a shallow one, but reading through your posts, that stands out. She might not even be comfortable talking to you about it. My personal experience: during times when I felt unattractive, sex was low on the list. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 She claims she loves me very much IN HER OWN WAY. Whatever that means. Her way does not meet any of my needs. That's nonsense and you know it. In general terms, "her way" wouldn't meet anyone's needs, taking your post at face value. she hates any touching and forget hugs. Even if she does not want intercourse it looks like to me if she loved me just a little she would be willing to at least cuddle with me. Again, not normal, unless she's felt for years that any touch was a prelude to unwanted sex. OP, something else at work here. Were it me, I'd either find it or leave. You should both remember wedding vows encumber her also... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 Could be her weight. You mentioned she hasn’t lost her pregnancy weight. If she was a “Beauty queen” and very attractive, then the weight gain probably bothers her. If she’s tried to lose it, but unsuccessfully, this might frustrate her, which isn’t good for self esteem ..... which isn’t good for libido. It’s all connected, and can be a vicious cycle. If she’s stressed with the child and the household (you say she’s not a good housewife), and maybe a job, that doesn’t help with weight loss, either. She might not feel good about her body. Sounds like an easy explanation, maybe a shallow one, but reading through your posts, that stands out. She might not even be comfortable talking to you about it. My personal experience: during times when I felt unattractive, sex was low on the list. Oh I see that wasn't even your question. As to why they expect you to NOT have an affair? I think many women don't understand how important sex is for most guys/husbands. Simple as that. We all tend to see things from our own perspective. She has no desire, so she assumes you're almost as indifferent as she is. Or she believes you'll come to terms with it at some point, because everything else is good in the marriage. She won't understand why you would stray "just for sex". Not worth it. And vows and all ..... Same applies the other way around: Men feel rejected as a whole if the sex isn't there any longer. And when the wife has no desire, they just cannot understand how unimportant it is to them. But it really is "just one more thing to do" to many. It's just gender incompatibility in many cases. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Veryunlucky Posted April 26, 2019 Author Share Posted April 26, 2019 . I have tried to see her point of view but for the life of me I don’t understand how she changed to no physical contact seemingly overnight. She is a cold person now. As I said earlier, this is killing me, it has caused me to doubt myself, be insecure and after 10 years of this I am beginning to have a lot of resentment toward her. I have to really watch myself. What I got from most of the replies is that it may not be a big deal to her at all. I wish I could get her to open up to me. She must be really lonely in her life. I know I am. We have been in thearpy before but it didn’t do any good. She refused to go half of the time and would not participate when she did go. I wonder if it is something I did that I am not aware of. I have ask her but she just tells me she wants to be left alone. I know she is tired when she gets home, she is a first grade teacher. As soon as I get home I take our son and head outdoors to play to give her time alone. I have begged her and prayed about this but I see no change. If I even mention a girl from work or someone I saw she is all over me being jealous which is strange because most of the time she just ignores me. I know I can’t continue this way. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 26, 2019 Share Posted April 26, 2019 We have been in thearpy before but it didn’t do any good. She refused to go half of the time and would not participate when she did go. Even under those circumstances, you must have gotten some feedback from the therapist. What was said? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 26, 2019 Share Posted April 26, 2019 We have been in thearpy before but it didn’t do any good. She refused to go half of the time and would not participate when she did go. I wonder if it is something I did that I am not aware of. I have ask her but she just tells me she wants to be left alone. Ten years is a REALLY long time to hold a grudge. If something happened, she must have decided it was really grievous, so much so that she has decided it is unforgivable. Either way, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. She has made her decision, now it’s time to make your decision. If a marriage with no affection and an unwillingness to participate in therapy is not acceptable to you - you have a decision to make. Nobody could say that you didn’t try... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted April 26, 2019 Share Posted April 26, 2019 This will sound harsh and I’m sorry, but maybe she doesn’t love you anymore, but wants to keep her marriage and status. I went cold on my husband because of years of problems he wouldn’t address, wouldn’t attend therapy, did his own thing. One day I just lost anything I had for him, and I don’t want him to touch me. Now he is trying because he notices the distance, but I don’t think it will ever matter to me again. And I’m too old to start over. There has to be an underlying reason. Find it. I wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted April 26, 2019 Share Posted April 26, 2019 you are asking the wrong question (hint: this gives us insight you are part of the problem). you should be asking 'how can i better communicate with my wife'. she knows what the issue is. you say she refuses to state it OR she does and you refused to believe it is worthy OR she told you countless times before and 'gave up'. you said she refused to participate in therapy. seriously? the therapist would ask her a question and she would --- stare at the ceiling? so all those ones she did not go the therapist said what TO YOU. (yet another hint that something is going on and you are refusing to see it). much like a person in an abusive situation that says 'everything was great, then one day...'. no there were red flags you (and we all) overlooked. she did not one day do a 180, it should be more of a cruise ship turning --- long and slow. you need to look more seriously at yourself and the relationship then come back with more insight. otherwise anything we offer just shooting arrows in the dark. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 26, 2019 Share Posted April 26, 2019 Mr lucky, believe me I have touched on the subject of her feelings for me a million times. Because I feel very unloved. She claims she loves me very much IN HER OWN WAY. Whatever that means. Her way does not meet any of my needs. When I have brought up divorce she reminds of the vows I took and the promises I made to her. I don’t want to leave her and I do love her very much but it is killing my soul to live like this. It doesn’t seem to bother her. It looks like to me if she cared anything about me she would try to meet some of my needs, just a little. I have been a very good provider and faithful husband and I am a very good father. I am active in my community and at church. My wife is not a good housekeeper so I do most of the housework and cooking. I love her but she is killing me. Like a lot of married women she is no longer in love with you. She loves you like a family member and provider. I wouldn't be surprised if down the line she has an affair on you. When she reminded you of the vows you made did you remind her of her vows? As long as you sit by like a hungry dog waiting on a treat the more unattractive you become to her. You need to shake up her world and show her you're a man. Link to post Share on other sites
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