snowcones Posted April 30, 2019 Share Posted April 30, 2019 (edited) Hmmm...In all the things you listed you never mentioned emotional connection. Are you sure it's going so well? It's lovely to see a guy bring this up. Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted April 30, 2019 Share Posted April 30, 2019 (edited) Thank you, snowcones. Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Veryunlucky Posted May 3, 2019 Author Share Posted May 3, 2019 Thank everyone for your thoughts and advice. I have learned a lot about the situation from readind these replies. My sister is a therapist in another state and I spoke to her last weekend. She thinks my wife is depressed and she thinks my wife’s weight gain really bothers her. And these two conditions feed off of each other, if she is feeling down she eats, then hates her self because she is fat. It seems complicated as hell to me, I know it is not a simple matter of just stopping. My sister said my wife told her a long time ago she was terribly embarrassed about her weight and physical appearance. I thought my wife didn’t care about the way she looks, she looks beautiful to me. But my sister said she cares greatly, but has given up. Ladies does this make sense to any of you. Could you explain it to me in a simple way and also tell me what I can do to help her. Our emotional connection went away after the baby. She didn’t have time for me . That’s also when she started refusing to undress in front of me. Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 Yes, it makes a ton of sense to me. I tend to be the same way when I feel fat. I’m not sure what you can do to help her though. It’s hard. Maybe her talking to a therapist could help. Make sure that she knows you think she’s beautiful. Cook low carb, high protein foods. If alcohol is something you drink regularly with dinner, maybe pick a flavored seltzer or something for a change. If she wants to work out, make sure she has a scheduled time she can do so where she doesn’t have to watch the child. Go on walks together. Food intake is the biggest issue though. Also, could it be she has PCOS? Supposedly 1 in 10 women have it and it can make it difficult to lose weight. Or thyroid problems can cause that as well. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 "refusing to undress in front of me"? has she got stretch marks that she feels matter? simply - she has had her share of reproducing, and how prefers to abstain, seen this frequently, not sexy enough to make the news, but abstention is a choice for many women, or is natural and thus has to be acceptable Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 (edited) "refusing to undress in front of me"? has she got stretch marks that she feels matter? OP has said she feels fat. This is enough of a reason. OP, I suggest you tell her she's beautiful and compliment her looks often if you really do think she's beautiful and find her sexy. Sounds like she needs a self esteem boost. I can relate 100% to how she feels. Also, start taking long walks together not only to get some exercise for the both of you, but to start to reconnect emotionally! Don't give up on that part your relationship just because she "didn't have time for you" after baby. Buy a box of Table Topics (Amazon) and pick a few cards out for every walk to spark conversation between the two of you. You might even learn something new about each other. <3 Edited May 3, 2019 by CautiouslyOptimistic Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 Going against the popular opinion here, and as a female, I say that a man or a woman who does not want or can't have sex with their husband or wife does not have any rights to expect fidelity and they should open up the marriage. Whatever the reasons, you either fix them, or open up the marriage. One member of the couple should not be expected to live with no sex for the rest of their lives. If you can't offer a sexual relationship with your partner, you can divorce. If you don't want a divorce, see above. Expecting fidelity and/or the marriage to continue is not reasonable. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 (edited) Going against the popular opinion here, and as a female, I say that a man or a woman who does not want or can't have sex with their husband or wife does not have any rights to expect fidelity and they should open up the marriage I actually agree with this. At the very least, she should be proactive in fixing the issue (e.g., see a doctor if she has medical issues, lose weight if she doesn’t want to be seen with a naked fat body). She’s not holding her end of the marital vow. Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 (edited) I actually agree with this. At the very least, she should be proactive in fixing the issue Agree that being proactive is reasonable for a normal, healthy person, but unfortunately less so for someone with real (clinical) depression. My understanding is that many times clinical depression can result in a lack of interest in doing much of anything if it's bad enough. Maybe treat the depression first, then worry about the weight and sex? A possible path to try and fix things IMO. Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Veryunlucky Posted August 22, 2019 Author Share Posted August 22, 2019 I posted back in May regarding my sexless marriage. I filed for a divorce the first of August and have felt like a huge rock has been lifted off me. After filing my soon to be ex wife admitted to me that she never enjoyed sex and only pretended to until we got married. Now that I have moved out and moved on she is willing to talk about our problems, not that it really matters. It was a hard decision to make but the right one for me. Hope this helps anyone facing the same situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 Happy for you if this is what you wanted, or at least a reasonable outcome. To me it seems the lesson here (and it seems to be coming more from her than from you) is to communicate effectively before divorce is looming. (The communication might still lead to divorce anyhow if there's no fixing the issues, but at least the issues were given full discussion.) Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 To me it seems the lesson here (and it seems to be coming more from her than from you) is to communicate effectively before divorce is looming Yes, my soon to be ex wife is communicating after... what a waste of time. If she did that before, we would till be together. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 Possibly. It's too bad, but at least you have the freedom now to play the field a bit if/when you're ready. C'est la vie. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 but at least you have the freedom now to play the field a bit if/when you're ready. Scary thought! Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted August 25, 2019 Share Posted August 25, 2019 Well I am glad you have this weight off your shoulders. Please do what is right for you and your son. I hope your STBEx gets help to get through your divorce. Good luck to you all. Link to post Share on other sites
AMarriedMan Posted August 27, 2019 Share Posted August 27, 2019 After filing my soon to be ex wife admitted to me that she never enjoyed sex and only pretended to until we got married. This sort of thing I cannot understand. I think far too few people have any understanding which factors make for a successful relationship and what the consequences can be for ignoring those factors. Obviously, a lot of people choose their relationship partners poorly. I think if there were more well-researched information available it could help people focus on the right things. Has anyone here ever used any of the more serious matchmaking sites on the Internet where they ask you questions about things that actually matter (not astrological signs and ****) when you make a profile? Why are signs, favourite films etc. even a thing in this context? If you're going to screen potential romantic partners before you meet them, that would be the perfect time to do that based on factors the importance of which there is actual evidence for. Is this too "rational" an approach? No, and it would be bloody stupid to even suggest that because this is what you do before personal chemistry is even in the picture. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts