Update -sexless marriage

[elaine567]

You need to shake up her world and show her you're a man.

 

It depends.

Maybe she turned cold because he acted too much "like a man"...

[stillafool]

. If I even mention a girl from work or someone I saw she is all over me being jealous which is strange because most of the time she just ignores me. I know I can’t continue this way.

 

Don't be fooled by that behavior. She doesn't want another woman to take away her provider.

[central]

It sounds like you've tried just about everything to fix this, to no avail. Most such situations do NOT have an acceptable solution or even a workable compromise. I've been there, done that, and have read hundreds of stories from others in your situation. A handful of those have found some sort of acceptable outcome. The rest have either lived with it, cheated, or divorced.

 

I chose divorce. I moved on to find a far, far better relationship, where we are sexually in tune (as well in all other ways), and that has persisted for 19 years. I am VERY happy I divorced my sexless ex, and have had a far better life in every way since.

[Woggle]

I would still suggest divorce. Vows mean nothing if she doesn't want you to touch her.

[Rockdad]

Veryunlucky I wish you well on your quest to resolve this problem. I have nothing in a way of an answer to help you as I never did find a solution for it myself in my 1st marriage. Ultimately it came to me divorcing her after spinning my wheels after years in marriage counseling and therapy. She would not cooperate or engage hardly at all. You can not force a person if they choose not to. Divorcing her enabled me to gain my sanity and a happy life as strange as that may sound. One regret I have is I blew 10 yrs of my life in abusive relationship when it was an obvious hopeless cause. Believe you me I vetted my girlfriend 3 ways to Sunday before I ever said I do again. I wish you the best.

[mark clemson]

10 years is a long time to be unhappy and feel unloved. If you are unable to change the situation, you have to consider whether you want to deal with another 30 years of it and have it be "what you got in life".

[Orokotikki]

I'm sorry, I think this thread has run rancid with wild assumptions.

 

The most innocuous being that 'he's already tried everything', to some very reactive anger that boils down to 'you're the problem, too late to talk to her about it, figure it out yourself'.

 

And with that I'm out and wish OP the best, I hope he'll consider my suggestions.

[thefooloftheyear]

I have no idea if this is the case here, but I have heard of several stories of guys that wound up unknowingly duped into marrying lesbians that wanted a "normal" traditional life and kids...Once they got that, the act was over and now she's left with a partner that she has no sexual attraction for...

 

Just a thought...

 

TFY

[mark clemson]

There is truth to the point that OP (and men generally) should consider what they may have done or not done to contribute to a sexual shut down by their wife.

 

I believe any man with normal drive would have been thinking about this long and hard after 3 months of no sex, let alone 7 years. I could be wrong.

 

There are certainly men who are, basically, dicks to their wife. My sister married one. And there are men who are much worse. There are also women who are horrible to husbands who genuinely try to please them.

 

We don't know the whole story from posts (when do we ever), but I'm not sure there's value in bashing OP over the head with the point.

 

If his wife has turned awful, for whatever reasons (including his that actions may have been a contributing factor), he has to try to address it now in the present however best he can.

[preraph]

Then he is in the wrong but I have seen many women just hold it in and act like everything is okay until she explodes over some small thing and the guy is wondering what the hell happened.

 

Yes, both men and women can do that. Women sometimes do it trying to avoid confrontation because it may be scary for them, or both may do it to avoid a fight when there's kids involved. Lots of reasons to do it, but it's nonproductive.

[Youngestdaughter]

I'm so sorry. I only know your side of the story. But I think it's wonderful that you love her so much and you're trying so hard. I know how young children take all the "touching" needs out of a woman. And women-most of us I think, but I can only speak for myself- need to feel sexy to feel sexual.

 

But neither of those things justify her freezing you out and refusing to talk about it. If she can't find it within herself to give you the affection you need, she should at least try. Because once you stop caring-and you will-its a short walk to an affair or a divorce. Are you sure she wouldn't mind? I don't think it would make you a bad person. You're human. You have needs. I would think less of you if you walked out on your family. But I've only seen quiet discreet affairs in English plays. They're messy.

 

A married woman could get you killed. And a single girl will eventually get fed up and, if you care about her at all, eventually it will make you crazy that you have no idea what she's doing or with whom or any real right to say anything about it. Have you tried getting a sitter? Taking her away? Doing something you did when y'all were dating? Is your therapist backing you up? Because however exhausted or unattractive she might feel-been there- it's still not reasonable to expect you to give up that part of your life. Lay it out. Say you don't want to leave, but you're not going to live like this forever.

 

Or you will find yourself in court or another woman's bed regardless of how dangerous or messy. That's not a threat, just how things are . Sex and affection are basic needs and it's unreasonable, unfair, and unfeeling to expect you to do without them.

Edited April 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Robert]

Thread jack deleted, let's keep the posts about the original topic and keep the thread starter in mind when posting, thanks

[loversquarrel]

OP, go find yourself the dreaded worst enemy of all women....a younger woman. Then replace her.

[Marc878]

Her words mean nothing. Her a actions tell you everything you need to know.

 

A sexless touch less marriage means she could careless about you.

 

You have choices.

 

Stay where you are and be a doormat

 

Divorce her and get a life

[Trail Blazer]

you are asking the wrong question (hint: this gives us insight you are part of the problem). you should be asking 'how can i better communicate with my wife'. she knows what the issue is. you say she refuses to state it OR she does and you refused to believe it is worthy OR she told you countless times before and 'gave up'.

 

you said she refused to participate in therapy. seriously? the therapist would ask her a question and she would --- stare at the ceiling? so all those ones she did not go the therapist said what TO YOU. (yet another hint that something is going on and you are refusing to see it).

 

much like a person in an abusive situation that says 'everything was great, then one day...'. no there were red flags you (and we all) overlooked. she did not one day do a 180, it should be more of a cruise ship turning --- long and slow.

 

you need to look more seriously at yourself and the relationship then come back with more insight. otherwise anything we offer just shooting arrows in the dark.

 

You make some valid points, but to be fair I think the poor guy is just so extremely frustrated that he's let it all out on here. I'm not sure that one opening post can accurately determine the level of fault he has in this situation.

[Trail Blazer]

How would you feel about her faking sexual desire and having obligatory sex to keep you happy?

 

I'm sure he wouldn't like that idea at all. However, you're deflecting by inserting a straw man argument in place of actually providing a genuine answer. A root cause analysys of OP's wife's issue wouldn't factor your question into the equation. OP is frustrated and seeks answers for his specific question from a female's perspective.

[d0nnivain]

Veryunlucky

 

You say you love your wife. You are also clearly frustrated by the lack of sex. When you mention divorce she says she loves you in her own way & reminds you of the vows you took. What about the vows she took? Refusing to have sex with your spouse is called marital abandonment. She is breaking her vows too. Remind her of that when you demand that she attend marriage counseling & sex therapy with you. This time make her full participation a condition of you staying married.

 

Rather then cast blame, you two have to talk, really talk about deep, painful & uncomfortable subjects that she would prefer to avoid or worse doesn't even understand are issues. That is going to require professional intervention.

 

IMO she lying to you about something. Maybe she never liked sex; for reasons I don't understand some folks don't enjoy it. Maybe she's having an affair. Maybe you have BO or bad breath. Maybe she never attained an orgasm & now feels like she can't be bothered because she doesn't get anything out it. Maybe she hated being pregnant & keeps you away because she doesn't want to go through that again but feels abnormal about admitting her fear. You are never going to get to the bottom of this on a message board or by talking to her alone. She's too bottled up.

 

Get a therapist. Have that professional probe her feelings on the subject & see if you can find a happy medium. If she is unwilling to even try there is no point in you staying. She is violating your marriage by not meeting you part way.

 

Whatever you do, don't cheat. That will only make things worse. Divorce if that is your choice but don't cheat.

Edited April 27, 2019 by d0nnivain

[bachdude]

Honestly, OP, it sounds like your wife doesn't want the full commitment of marriage - she only wants the aspects that suit her.

 

Also, saying she loves you in her 'own way' I find selfish. It's as if she is saying whatever type of love she has for you, whatever table scraps she sends your way, you should be content with. It doesn't matter what you need or how rejected you feel.

 

Having said that, I really hope you two can get to the bottom of this.

[pepperbird]

Why I don’t care of my own needs? Are you serious? I married her because I love her and want to be life partners. In case you don’t know, sex is essential for many reasons in any devoted relationship. Sex helps bond the relationship and creates a broader sense of intimacy. People who have sex regularly have higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin (which helps fight disease). Sex makes you sleep better. Sex releases oxytocin which decreases heart problems, it can help with pain control. It is good for emotional health, it raises your sense of well being and satisfaction with yourself. You feel more confident in other areas of your life. It maintains a level of intimacy that both husband and wife need to succeed.

 

 

sir,

ask yourself this. If sex was al that fired wonderful to your wife, wouldn't it stand to reason that she wouldn't have pulled the plug?

 

 

She's just not interested, and all the "reasons" won't create that interest.

[pepperbird]

I know this will go over like a lead balloon, but here goes anyway...

 

 

In mass media/popular culture, there is a view of sex as being "recreation", devoid of any real bonding or connection. As a female, I grew up seeing this. We all did. I think back to the popular tv shows and how, many time,s the male characters were portrayed as being on the lookout for sex if and when they could get it, and how they would manipulate women into going to bed with them.

 

Of course I know that's not reality, but consider the disconnect. On the one hand, we (women) are told that men view sex as "recreation" and will say/do pretty much anything to get it. It's got nothing to do with an emotional connection at all...it's just a biological drive. On the other, we have husband's/ partners who say just how emotionally important sex with their partner is to them. I would tend to believe this.

 

I really think there could be a lot of benefit if more men spoke out about just how emotionally important sex is to them and how it can feel so crushing when their spouse rejects them. It's not just "fun time" that's being cut off, it's the emotional bonding.

[Trail Blazer]

I know this will go over like a lead balloon, but here goes anyway...

 

I'm sure that OP has explained this in depth to his wife on many occasions. I've been in a similar situation (not as bad as OP) where my ex wife and my current partner just withdrew sex for whatever reason. None of those things mattered at all.

 

In my experience, women just do not give a $h!t if they neglect their partner sexually. It's as if they had decided in their own head that the reason why they're no longer interested is so much more important than any reason the male wants it. So, they just couldn't be reasoned with.

 

When I tried to explain the impacts it had on me, I got huffy, defensive responses about how I'm putting pressure on them to do something they don't want to do which is bullying, etc. It didn't matter how I articulated my argument. I was once told, after explaining to my current partner how a lack of sex affected me, " oh well, women are just different."

 

Sorry, but the reasons matter for little. If women lose interest on a dime, then that's all that matters. How it affects their partner doesn't matter in the slightest. Bringing it up just results in stonewalling as they don't want to be made to feel guilty about their selfishness.

Edited April 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

 

I really think there could be a lot of benefit if more men spoke out about just how emotionally important sex is to them and how it can feel so crushing when their spouse rejects them. It's not just "fun time" that's being cut off, it's the emotional bonding.

 

Yeah. I lost any empathy I ever had for this speil "how emotionally important sex is to them" because I once had a bf, then ex, I was around for years who got emotional with every woman he bedded, while he was bedding them. Oh, yes, it was very emotionally important to him. No matter who they were. I remember being at a party where I was standing with his cousin and every women he'd just about ever dated was there, including his recent ex who was a psycho and had just really done a terrible thing to him. I commented to his cousin that I thought ever woman he'd ever slept with was there, and she said, Oh, yes, and he thought he was in love with all of them at the time, too. We're talking a series of just dates, here, not a relationship per se.

 

So that's what's wrong with that theory. Simple truth: They're in love with sex. They're emotional about sex, not that specific woman, in many instances. They simply feel all glowy when they're having sex about whoever they're having sex with. I don't think this is a reason for any of us to have it when we've lost that lovin' feelin since they can go feel glowy elsewhere.

[Veronica73]

Sorry, but the reasons matter for little. If women lose interest on a dime, then that's all that matters. How it affects their partner doesn't matter in the slightest. Bringing it up just results in stonewalling as they don't want to be made to feel guilty about their selfishness.

 

Sorry, but that’s disgusting. I must be taking it the wrong way. How can a woman’s reasons for not wanting to have sex with you not matter?

[Shining One]

Sorry, but that’s disgusting. I must be taking it the wrong way. How can a woman’s reasons for not wanting to have sex with you not matter?

I believe he's saying the man's reasons for wanting sex don't matter to the woman who doesn't want to have sex.

[Veronica73]

I believe he's saying the man's reasons for wanting sex don't matter to the woman who doesn't want to have sex.

 

Okay, but aren’t most people’s reasons for wanting sex fairly similar? Especially in a committed relationship?

 

Edit- I think I took the original quote the wrong way. Obviously, most people in a monogamous relationship would want to work things out so sex with each other is highly desirable for both parties.

Edited April 28, 2019 by Veronica73