Update -sexless marriage

[Trail Blazer]

Okay, but aren’t most people’s reasons for wanting sex fairly similar? Especially in a committed relationship?

 

Edit- I think I took the original quote the wrong way. Obviously, most people in a monogamous relationship would want to work things out so sex with each other is highly desirable for both parties.

Yes, you did. I was just saying that in my experience, when a woman loses interest in sex, then their reasoning for, and unwillingness to discuss why, seemingly takes precedence over anything a man feels about it. They're seemingly impervious to just how a man is affected by it.

 

I think men and women's reasons for having sex vary wildly. Men are pretty straight forward. We have a physiological urge to do so. The act helps us bond with our partner. For women, the same benefit often rings true, but female sexuality, in my experience, fluctuates wildy. Women are complex creatures and so too is their sexual nature.

[pepperbird]

 

I think men and women's reasons for having sex vary wildly. Men are pretty straight forward. We have a physiological urge to do so. The act helps us bond with our partner. For women, the same benefit often rings true, but female sexuality, in my experience, fluctuates wildy. Women are complex creatures and so too is their sexual nature.

 

 

 

 

I beginning to call "bull" on this idea. If this is true, then why can I got to any bar on a Saturday night and get hit on by a ton of guys who are only after one thing...and it ain't "bonding".

 

You could be right about women being complex. I've wondered sometimes if that's because the end goal of sex is reproduction ( at the "lizard brain" level). A stable couple may be in a better position to care for a child, and maybe that results in a woman feeling more open to sex -if she does get pregnant, she and the guy would be in a good position to care for a child.

 

A couple who isn't in a good place may not be as able to provide for a child, therefore. less desire for sex.

 

 

 

( okay, my theory is crap. I'll be quiet now )

[preraph]

Yes, you did. I was just saying that in my experience, when a woman loses interest in sex, then their reasoning for, and unwillingness to discuss why, seemingly takes precedence over anything a man feels about it. They're seemingly impervious to just how a man is affected by it.

 

I think men and women's reasons for having sex vary wildly. Men are pretty straight forward. We have a physiological urge to do so. The act helps us bond with our partner. For women, the same benefit often rings true, but female sexuality, in my experience, fluctuates wildy. Women are complex creatures and so too is their sexual nature.

 

They're not impervious to it. It's not their problem.

[mark clemson]

Yeah. I lost any empathy I ever had for this speil ... Oh, yes, it was very emotionally important to him. No matter who they were. ... Simple truth: They're in love with sex. They're emotional about sex, not that specific woman, in many instances.

 

I beginning to call "bull" on this idea. If this is true, then why can I got to any bar on a Saturday night and get hit on by a ton of guys who are only after one thing...and it ain't "bonding".

 

It's not that you're wrong, but maybe look at it this way: to males sex is necessary but not sufficient (to have an emotional bond). Guys can and will like sex without the emotional bonding (and some small percent of women do too at various points in their lives).

 

It's certainly possible for men to have an emotional bond without sex (e.g. unrequited love or an EA). But in the vast vast majority of cases this would strongly not be their preference. So, these emotional bonds are problematic for the man (as they can be for women).

 

I think the bottom line is, to most men, if you take away the sex you've significantly hurt the bond. Staying for years of this sort of thing shows the strength of the bond, and in a way of the man. But eventually he'll wish to change this situation.

[Artdeco]

I think the bottom line is, to most men, if you take away the sex you've significantly hurt the bond. Staying for years of this sort of thing shows the strength of the bond, and in a way of the man. But eventually he'll wish to change this situation.

 

I was once in a relationship (in my 20s) where the guy wasn't very sexual (with me), but I do think he may have cheated and got it elswhere. It was a serious LTR. We got along great in all other areas. It was so weird. I couldn't figure it out. I know it was not normal. He wasn't gay, and we never actually discussed the topic. It was just the elephant in the room. Always there. Always lingering. Always staring at us.

At some point, nobody even initiated anymore. Like never. Ever. Zero sex. This went on for years.

At the end of the day, I decided to leave him (for somebody else). He was devastated. I still don't know why. I am sure he had chicks on the side, but he would have never left the relationship for any of them.

[loversquarrel]

Yeah. I lost any empathy I ever had for this speil "how emotionally important sex is to them" because I once had a bf, then ex, I was around for years who got emotional with every woman he bedded, while he was bedding them. Oh, yes, it was very emotionally important to him. No matter who they were. I remember being at a party where I was standing with his cousin and every women he'd just about ever dated was there, including his recent ex who was a psycho and had just really done a terrible thing to him. I commented to his cousin that I thought ever woman he'd ever slept with was there, and she said, Oh, yes, and he thought he was in love with all of them at the time, too. We're talking a series of just dates, here, not a relationship per se.

 

So that's what's wrong with that theory. Simple truth: They're in love with sex. They're emotional about sex, not that specific woman, in many instances. They simply feel all glowy when they're having sex about whoever they're having sex with. I don't think this is a reason for any of us to have it when we've lost that lovin' feelin since they can go feel glowy elsewhere.

 

I've met my fair share of women who were in love with sex in very much the same way men are proclaimed to be. I think we need to stop fooling ourselves and realize that men and women alike both want it and can and do have it for very much the same reasons. Both sexes are guilty of manipulation tactics - men who try to sweet talk a woman into the sack, and women who try to rope in a guy via sex. Those tactics tend to cause mistrust with those of us who try to be decent and treat sex as an important part of our emotional well being.

[Trail Blazer]

I beginning to call "bull" on this idea. If this is true, then why can I got to any bar on a Saturday night and get hit on by a ton of guys who are only after one thing...and it ain't "bonding".

 

You could be right about women being complex. I've wondered sometimes if that's because the end goal of sex is reproduction ( at the "lizard brain" level). A stable couple may be in a better position to care for a child, and maybe that results in a woman feeling more open to sex -if she does get pregnant, she and the guy would be in a good position to care for a child.

 

A couple who isn't in a good place may not be as able to provide for a child, therefore. less desire for sex.

 

 

 

( okay, my theory is crap. I'll be quiet now )

 

It's not bull at all. The comment was made in the context of a relationship. Any guy who hits on you at a bar, you can count out it being because he wants to bind with you. A guy who chooses to be in a relationship with you still needs his release, but doing the act with you will help him bond with you as an exclusive lover.

[Woggle]

This is why men should never marry a woman that doesn't desire him and a seasoned man knows. You can feel the love and desire coming from a woman and if you don't feel it don't be afraid to end things.

[Trail Blazer]

They're not impervious to it. It's not their problem.

 

Semantics. If it isn't a woman's problem how a lack of sex affects their partner, then it stands to reason that she's impervious to it being an issue for him. In other words, you're saying that women just don't give a $h!t. That's been my experience as well.

[Woggle]

Semantics. If it isn't a woman's problem how a lack of sex affects their partner, then it stands to reason that she's impervious to it being an issue for him. In other words, you're saying that women just don't give a $h!t. That's been my experience as well.

 

This is true and if this is the case then he should stop caring.If he can't get out then suggest they sleep in seperate rooms and they have strictly parenting arrangement from then on. If she doesn't want to do married couple things then so be it but there also won't be a marriage.

[elaine567]

I've wondered sometimes if that's because the end goal of sex is reproduction ( at the "lizard brain" level). A stable couple may be in a better position to care for a child, and maybe that results in a woman feeling more open to sex -if she does get pregnant, she and the guy would be in a good position to care for a child.

 

A couple who isn't in a good place may not be as able to provide for a child, therefore. less desire for sex.

 

Its not a bad theory.

Lizard brain in action.

Woman in perceived good relationship, ie good potential parents, sex is on offer, plentiful and unforced.

Woman in a perceived bad relationship, ie bad potential parents, sex is not on offer and if provided it is forced.

 

Woman open to conception, sex is welcomed.

Woman not open to conception, sex is not welcomed.

 

Of course we are not lizards, so lots of individual variation, but it may explain the lack of sex in some cases.

[basil67]

I quite agree with the theory. On top of what you and Elaine have said, and going back to my other thread, I firmly believe that feeling entitled to ongoing sex in a marriage is a modern problem brought about by access to contraception. The fact that we can control how many children we have doesn't undo basic lizard brain.

[preraph]

Maybe I'm a gecko. I was never open to conception, but I was open to sex a LOT.

[snowcones]

I don't want to have any more children but I want to have a lot of sex still.

 

I will NOT, however, have sex with a man who is mistreating me. I just won't feel like it. And if we are married and this comes to be, we'll probably end up divorced because I ain't scared of divorce like other people are. lol

[preraph]

^ And that's a very good way to be.

[basil67]

Maybe I'm a gecko. I was never open to conception, but I was open to sex a LOT.

 

hahaha

 

But is *was* the operative word here?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

Sorry, but the reasons matter for little. If women lose interest on a dime, then that's all that matters. How it affects their partner doesn't matter in the slightest.

 

So, what do YOU think is the answer to magically create desire in a woman who has none?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Semantics. If it isn't a woman's problem how a lack of sex affects their partner, then it stands to reason that she's impervious to it being an issue for him. In other words, you're saying that women just don't give a $h!t. That's been my experience as well.

 

This is not always true (although, of course, it is sometimes). Sometimes women just REALLY struggle with a lack of desire. I'm in a Facebook group for peri-menopausal/menopausal woman and there's at least one post a day from women who are upset with their own lack of desire because they love their husbands. Maybe one percent of them have the attitude you describe!

 

So what's the answer?

[Springsummer]

I think it is an emotional problem, not a physical one, if she does not want to cuddle and sleep in the same room with you.

 

I think it must be something you did or not did that really turned her off.

[Springsummer]

This is why men should never marry a woman that doesn't desire him and a seasoned man knows. You can feel the love and desire coming from a woman and if you don't feel it don't be afraid to end things.

 

^^ I think desire is the keyword. I can't stop having lustful thoughts about this one particular man, while I can not ever imagine being physically close to other men.

[Mr. Lucky]

You could be right about women being complex. I've wondered sometimes if that's because the end goal of sex is reproduction ( at the "lizard brain" level). A stable couple may be in a better position to care for a child, and maybe that results in a woman feeling more open to sex -if she does get pregnant, she and the guy would be in a good position to care for a child.

 

So a man interested in an extended and healthy sex life during his marriage should work towards keeping the family at only one child? Always keep her wanting more?

 

Just sent my fourth off to college. Boy, did I miss that memo...

 

Mr. Lucky

[loversquarrel]

Funny thing is this isn't an issue exclusive to men. In fact many women have been complaining of the same issue and wondering why their husbands have lost desire for them. Then there are those who have put sex off with their so's and later decide they actually desire them only to discover their spouse no longer feels the same way. If it becomes an issue just leave your spouse, if they don't desire you then they aren't worth you wasting your life on them, because that's what happens in the end.

[Woggle]

Funny thing is this isn't an issue exclusive to men. In fact many women have been complaining of the same issue and wondering why their husbands have lost desire for them. Then there are those who have put sex off with their so's and later decide they actually desire them only to discover their spouse no longer feels the same way. If it becomes an issue just leave your spouse, if they don't desire you then they aren't worth you wasting your life on them, because that's what happens in the end.

 

These women have the right to leave as well and most people would not question it.

[Trail Blazer]

So, what do YOU think is the answer to magically create desire in a woman who has none?

 

I have absolutely no idea. I thought you might have more of an idea as you're a woman.

[pepperbird]

I have absolutely no idea. I thought you might have more of an idea as you're a woman.

 

 

Finally! A man who admits he's not the amazing Kreskin and somehow magically able to know what women think.:laugh:

 

Seriously though, there's probably no real way to answer this, as each person is an individual and has their own unique experiences, feelings and physiology that colour their view.