pepperbird Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 It's not bull at all. The comment was made in the context of a relationship. Any guy who hits on you at a bar, you can count out it being because he wants to bind with you. A guy who chooses to be in a relationship with you still needs his release, but doing the act with you will help him bond with you as an exclusive lover. I'm sorry, but while that may be true sometimes, I have seen so many cases where a wife has plenty ( several times a week) sex with her husband and he still cheats on her. it's not as simple as sex= bonding. Link to post Share on other sites
Trail Blazer Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 I'm sorry, but while that may be true sometimes, I have seen so many cases where a wife has plenty ( several times a week) sex with her husband and he still cheats on her. it's not as simple as sex= bonding. I never said it was "that simple." Of course there are outliers. Men and women cheat for various reasons. However, for most married men who love their wives and intend to remain monogamous, sex is an incredibly important part of helping keep that bond strong. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 I have absolutely no idea. I thought you might have more of an idea as you're a woman. One of the best reasons (apart from the previous Lizard Brain discussion) is that problems inside the bedroom are often caused by problems outside the bedroom. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Veryunlucky Posted April 29, 2019 Author Share Posted April 29, 2019 It makes my question if my wife ever enjoyed our sex life. If she was pretending she did it a long time. I have tried my best to make her life comfortable and easy. She hates cooking so I cook. She hates laundry so I do the laundry. Even to the point of her job, she had complaints about her boss and school policy so I went and got elected to the school board. We have no financial problems, these things don’t bother me. What bothers me is her inability to talk to me and tell me what is going on in her head. On the weekends she never wants to leave our house unless it is to go to her mom’s house. I go and participate in community events alone, I go to church alone, I take my son places alone. I have told her she can quit work anytime. She has changed so much since our son was born. Maybe sex would not be so important to me if all other areas of our relationship were going well but they are not. It is a marriage problem that involves both of us but with her refusal to discuss anything, it looks like I will be making my decisions by myself. I am not ready to give my life up and settle for this. My mother died 8 years ago and right before her death my wife had to look in on her some days when I was out of town. I greatly appreciated the love she showed my mom. But now my wife feels like I am obligated to her for her taking care of my mom. If I ask my wife to do anything, like going out with another couple or something she never wants to. And she reminds me I owe her for taking care of my ,mom. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 (edited) One of the best reasons (apart from the previous Lizard Brain discussion) is that problems inside the bedroom are often caused by problems outside the bedroom. Yes, but they can also be caused by problems inside the bedroom too. People tend to eat a lot of chocolate cake because they enjoy and love eating it and it makes them happy. Similarly if sex is enjoyable, people tend to like doing it. If sex is not seen as an enjoyable activity, then people tend to avoid doing it. We tend to skate around this aspect of sexless marriages so as not to upset the thread poster, but I guess some sort of sexual incompatibility is high on the list of reasons for withdrawal of sex. A poster here once said her ex-husband thought she was low drive, but she was actually high drive. She was just not into being treated like a h**ker by him... Edited April 29, 2019 by elaine567 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 IOn the weekends she never wants to leave our house unless it is to go to her mom’s house. I go and participate in community events alone, I go to church alone, I take my son places alone. I have told her she can quit work anytime. She has changed so much since our son was born. Maybe sex would not be so important to me if all other areas of our relationship were going well but they are not. It is a marriage problem that involves both of us but with her refusal to discuss anything, it looks like I will be making my decisions by myself. I am not ready to give my life up and settle for this. . Putting aside the lack of sex for a moment...was she a social person before? Was she more active? Has she seen her doctor? I'm asking because is she was social before, like doing out etc. and now that's gone, is it possible she's coping with an undiagnosed mental health issue? Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 (edited) We tend to skate around this aspect of sexless marriages so as not to upset the thread poster, but I guess some sort of sexual incompatibility is high on the list of reasons for withdrawal of sex. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's about time someone said it! Of course, this isn't always the case, but it can be. I guess it goes to show there is no real one size fits all answer to this. Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 (edited) It makes my question if my wife ever enjoyed our sex life. If she was pretending she did it a long time. I dunno, man....Doesn't seem like there is too much to build on there...The lack of sex is just making you more resentful...I mentioned this earlier in the thread is it conceivably possible she's gay? I only mention this because more than one guy I know wound up in a similar scenario to yours only to discover their wives were lesbians that just couldn't do without a more "conventional" life as a mother and wife..So they faked it until they just couldn't do it anymore...sounds like what you have going on , I dunno... Its nice and kind of her to pitch in with your mom, but that doesn't condemn you to a life of discontent...While its hard to say for sure just based on a few posts on a forum, but hard to see a happy future here.. TFY Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 Yes, but they can also be caused by problems inside the bedroom too. Indeed. Have been recently talking with a young women who's been avoiding sex because of painful sex. GP said it was because she had a 'small frame' so that was no help. After three years of avoiding sex with her boyfriend, she's finally found the answer: overactive pelvic floor. She's now working with a women's health physio. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 I have absolutely no idea. I thought you might have more of an idea as you're a woman. I don't. It's why I asked since you seemed to really dislike my (genuine) question about whether OP would be OK with his wife faking desire? So, if a woman genuinely has no desire (for the husband or anyone else....just a loss of libido), but the husband won't accept her faking it just to keep him happy, what does she do? What does he do? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 On the weekends she never wants to leave our house unless it is to go to her mom’s house. I go and participate in community events alone, I go to church alone, I take my son places alone Maybe she's depressed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 These women have the right to leave as well and most people would not question it. Of course they do, that was the point of my post that sexless marriages happen to both sexes and not one exclusively. Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 Let's keep this about the topic please, this threads topic is pretty narrow and deals with only one aspect of a sexless marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 Maybe she's depressed. Based on her isolation and lack of interaction with the OP, might be more than "maybe". Veryunlucky, is she affectionate with your son, lots of physical contact? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 (edited) OP, you said your wife gained weight, did you gain weight too? Do you really have another woman who is "all over you"? Are you ready to divorce or are you still searching for solutions? Also, I wouldn't go down the path of thinking she never enjoyed sex with you. That is not going to lead you anywhere good. The only thing that matters is that she doesn't enjoy sex now. Edited April 29, 2019 by snowcones Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 When these topics come up, I always wonder if it's an issue that many women don't marry guys based on attraction/sexual chemistry but rather because they are wealthy, good providers, nice guys, stable, etc... Once they realize that there is more to life than the nice house and spiffy SUV, they can't fake it like they once did... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 (edited) Most likely yes, but they aren't really aware that they are doing this. A woman can be attracted to a man's mind, or his heart, or his money, or his looks, or his ambition, or his talent/skill and he may have one of those traits as a HUGE part of his persona which she loves, but she doesn't realize that it won't make up for other things missing. Only time tells her that. I still don't know if this is wrong though, because everybody deserves a chance, and I have yet to see a perfect man who possesses all. Edited April 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 It makes me question if... People change over time and it sounds like she has changed in a way that makes the two of you incompatible (at least from your perspective). Perhaps you've changed too. This is no one's "fault" really although I'm sure there are at least some specifics where you both you and her have made mistakes, etc. At any rate, the situation may be a bit easier for her as she may be less bothered by it and you seem to be eager to keep her comfortable. Maybe sex would not be so important to me if all other areas of our relationship were going well Unlikely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 OP, what do you think would happen if you told your wife, "hey wife, here are your choices: We either divorce or you let me have discreet affair(s) while we stay married?" What do you think she would choose? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 (edited) Make sure you have decided you are OK with a divorce before you bring up such contentious subjects. Once said you cannot unsay them. Edited April 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3 Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 (edited) True!!!!!!!! (10) But if someone said that, they would clearly be OK with either decision. Edited April 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 OP, what do you think would happen if you told your wife, "hey wife, here are your choices: We either divorce or you let me have discreet affair(s) while we stay married?" What do you think she would choose? Should either choose divorce or she would decide she could also date other people. I think when it comes to that it's time for divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 Should either choose divorce or she would decide she could also date other people. I think when it comes to that it's time for divorce. I don't know, man, I think there are tons of reasons why people want to stay married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trail Blazer Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 I don't. It's why I asked since you seemed to really dislike my (genuine) question about whether OP would be OK with his wife faking desire? So, if a woman genuinely has no desire (for the husband or anyone else....just a loss of libido), but the husband won't accept her faking it just to keep him happy, what does she do? What does he do? Sometimes there isn't always a solution for every problem. This seems like one of them. If she won't communicate, and neither party fancies fake orgasms, then parting ways may be the only viable solution. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted April 30, 2019 Share Posted April 30, 2019 (edited) It makes my question if my wife ever enjoyed our sex life. If she was pretending she did it a long time. Hmmm...In all the things you listed you never mentioned emotional connection. Are you sure it's going so well? She doesn't open up to you - sounds to me that she may not feel comfortable enough to do so. Before you go down the divorce rout, I'd work on this. There's a bit of an art to this that us guys are not always good at. And it doesn't mean we have to be the ones to air all of *our* insecurities. It means you are getting her to feel comfortable enough to open up to you. Comfort around you, OP. She's got to be comfortable. I'd start with this. Do some looking into it. A woman who feels emotionally bonded and close to her husband is far more likely to desire sex. Emotional closeness results in a desire for physical closeness, in my experience. Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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