I Am Become Cake Eater...

[BourneWicked]

I wanted to come back and share an update to my story.

 

The affair is half over.

 

The half is on my side. My SO is aware, and we are now in an open relationship. I won't get into the rules and details of that, but it feels really good. Our relationship is healthier than it has been in years, and we talk about MM and most everything. There are still some issues between us we are working on, and some personal skeletons I've unearthed that I need to deal with, that I'm having virtual counseling visits for.

 

MM is aware of this change, but on his side he will not be divulging the affair to his wife. That half of the affair is still going. This is the only layer of guilt, and I've talked to SO about it at length. Initially, there was jealousy and some major feelings to work through. But, my amazing SO does not want to lose me, is happy with our life, and says if MM makes me happy, I can keep him. The fact that this is a LDR, that I check out and spend time entirely with my family on weekends and evenings, and rarely actually see him, makes this sustainable I believe.

 

I meant, and tried, to break this off so many times. I did not foresee this... although, bizarrely, I dreamed a version of this outcome probably over a year ago; we were all a big happy family in one house. Somehow, the only one who didn't know was his wife; everyone else knew and was happy and fine. This still weighs heavily on my mind and will continue to be a topic of conversation.

 

Not looking for judgement, condemnation, etc, just looking to share with other people struggling in affairs a possible, if unlikely, outcome.

 

This has honestly made me so happy. I love them both, and they are both letting me love them. I recognize there is potential for a(nother) d-day on his side, and he might need to make a decision to continue or not if/when that happens. Maybe he recognizes they truly should divorce and moves on... and I will have to decide what that means to me. Maybe my SO decides he isn't interested in an open relationship after all, and again I will need to decide what that means. Life is short, and a connection like this is rare. The situation is far from perfect, but it feels way less like the roller coaster it did before.

 

Pursue some path, however narrow and crooked, in which you can walk with love and reverence.

[Normm]

Our relationship is healthier than it has been in years

 

 

Everything's relative I guess.

[BourneWicked]

Yes, honesty vs. dishonesty can be a measure of health...

 

And in comes the judgement, whoosh!

[DKT3]

So what happens when your husband falls for another woman?

 

I know you've most likely discussed him seeing other people, but as your affair is proof of these situations can get out of hand.

[BourneWicked]

Good question. We will talk about it if that happens. We agree family first. I will do my best to support him if he does fall for someone. If that's the end of our relationship together, I guess that will be it, but I don't think it will be. We'll cross that bridge if we come to it, and I'll feel almost like I'm getting some much deserved payback. In some ways, I feel he deserves that same feeling I got for so long.

 

I probably will get jealous. I probably will be jealous of MM and his wife again. I don't quite feel that I deserve this good of an outcome.

 

Though - I think my own reluctance, guilt, and times I did turn away MM and turn down opportunities to see him actually made reconciliation easier. Having guilt, as crappy as it still is, makes a difference to the other person (or it did in my case).

 

Anyway, I'm hoping the therapy will help also. A third party opinion. Non-monogamy isn't a super popular social concept, so I'm curious to see how it goes since we've not broached this topic yet.

[Amethyst68]

So what happens when your husband falls for another woman?

 

I know you've most likely discussed him seeing other people, but as your affair is proof of these situations can get out of hand.

 

Exactly what I was going to ask. All this seems extremely weighted in your favour. I think you should encourage your husband to at least get out and socialise on his own. I'm not talking about forcing him to sleep with someone immediately but I'm guessing for all his talk he's probably still in a monogamous mindset and will be for some time.

[mark clemson]

You may find this website helpful.

 

 

Warning: before you click - this guy writes quite a bit about BDSM as well as polyamory, so if BDSM bothers you be careful clicking around his site.

 

 

https://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html%20

[Lewhawk]

Is your marriage open because bs was happy with the idea, or did you just refuse to leave om and hubby is forced to accept it as a condition of staying married?

[DKT3]

Her husband is likely codependent and more afraid to lose her then voice his displeasure. As I was just saying in another thread, these forced open marriages (and this one is forced) usually happens because the one forcing it hasn't given much thought to the partner doing the same. They either dont actually believe they will or dont see them as desirable and wont have options.

 

This will end horribly, but honestly she doesn't seem all that concerned about that at this point, which is probably a result of my first point.

[elaine567]

Her husband is likely codependent and more afraid to lose her then voice his displeasure..

 

I agree.

This is just sounds so cruel to the poor man.

He is no doubt so desperate he will agree to anything...

And as for the MM's wife, she has no clue as to this little "arrangement" going on behind her back...

[InvisibleLady]

Bourne has been around LS a long while, I am a bit familiar with her back story and if I am remembering correctly her SO (she is NOT married) was not very good at the emotional side of the relationship - he wanted sex all the time and was very driven/motivated by the physical aspect of the relationship, but was not good at meeting Bourne's emotional needs. Ex: Rather than a meaningful hug, she got groped in a sexual way as soon as she walked in the door.

 

Open relationships don't work for most men and I am certainly not advocating it. It would not work for my H and I would never suggest it or expect him to be ok with an arrangement of that nature. However, my point is, this may work in HER situation because of the way her SO is wired. He could very likely be fine having a physical relationship with other women without getting attached. And because he is highly sexual (with less emotion) in nature that might be his motivation to give it shot. We can't assume this is devastating to him just because that is the 'societal norm', open relationships work for some people.

 

The question is if it actually happens will Bourne be ok with it? And if MM has a D-day and breaks it off does Bourne still allow SO to sleep around? Hmmm...

 

Also, at the end of the day it is still an affair.... MM's wife is in the dark, he is still a cheater. Bourne will still just get scraps of his time and effort, having an open relationship with SO changes nothing on the MM's side. So while the guilt of cheating on SO is alleviated by the open relationship concept (which will have its own challenges) - all the anguish of trying to be with a man that will never be hers hasn't changed.

[BaileyB]

IF, her husband is highly sexual... I’m curious to know what the draw is for MM. Is it more of an EA than a PA - because if you already have a man groping you every time you walk in the door, I’m not sure why you would go searching for... more sex?

 

And IF her husband is highly sexual, I can’t imagine that he would be ok with his wife having sex with another man. Would he not want her to be having sex with him?

 

Perhaps, he already has another woman on the side? If not, assuming he is highly sexual that is a definite possibility... what’s good for the goose, and all that.

 

My heart breaks for MM wife. At least, your husband is aware of this affair and has perhaps made the decision that this is acceptable to him - for whatever reason. MM wife doesn’t have that option, and that seems really cruel to me.

 

Happiness isn’t happiness for me, when it comes at someone else’s expense.

[InvisibleLady]

IF, her husband is highly sexual... I’m curious to know what the draw is for MM. Is it more of an EA than a PA - because if you already have a man groping you every time you walk in the door, I’m not sure why you would go searching for... more sex?

 

I would assume more EA than PA since Bourne said it is a LDR. For women, affairs are rarely centered around sex - MM likely meets an emotional need.

[DKT3]

If I recall correctly, it was intimacy that is mismatched in her relationship. Her partners ideal of intimacy is sex and only sex. Her desire for intimacy drove her to the affair.

[elaine567]

Just because he is not good at meeting HER emotional needs and he has a high sex drive doesn't necessarily mean he wants to have sex with other women...

It all depends how monogamous his thinking is, not how high his sex drive is nor whether he has a high/low EQ.

[somanymistakes]

Open relationships work for some people. They often don't work when entered into reluctantly, or when people have expectations that aren't met.

 

One classic example is when a guy eagerly demands and gets an open relationship, then discovers that no one wants to sleep with him and throws a huge sulking fit, then wants to take the whole 'open' idea back just because he's not getting treats on a platter.

 

The other classic 'oops' is when couples agree to be open but they really only mean so that one partner can continue having the external relationship they were already having, and neither of them ever expected partner2 to take advantage of the same freedom. Then if, further down the road, partner2 does find a taker, suddenly partner1 may become upset.

 

I'm assuming BourneWicked is already familiar with these possibilities!

 

However, this would still not be welcomed in the poly community because polyamory groups are generally very pushy about being ethical non-monogamy. Allowing the MM to continue lying to his wife does not meet that standard.

[DKT3]

Judging from her response earlier, I dont think she has really given it much thought, him being with other women. I dont think she can truly see pass having the freedom to openly see this other guy, well at least as her husband is concerned. Talking about it and actually foreseeing the possible outcome is different. But again, I dont think she is concerned with any of that. Not now.

[BaileyB]

I dont think she is concerned with any of that. Not now.

 

No, it seems that she is primarily focused right now on celebrating her good fortune...

[mark clemson]

However, this would still not be welcomed in the poly community because polyamory groups are generally very pushy about being ethical non-monogamy. Allowing the MM to continue lying to his wife does not meet that standard.

 

 

That's my understanding as well. She may not be interested in community yet, but her H may indeed be sometime soon.

[pepperbird]

So long as all the adults in the situation know what's going on and are okay with it, that's up to them. the thing is, they don't all know, and the OP is very good at ignoring that his BS doesn't know what's going on.

I;m sorry, but to me, taht's not okay. The OP is asking his wife, without her even knowing it, to pay a very steep price for her happiness and need for affection and intimacy.

 

I don't see how she can feel good about that. It would be different if his BS knew the situation and was okay with it. The truth is, she doesn't and she may well be heartbroken by the affair if and when it comes out.

[Amethyst68]

That's my understanding as well. She may not be interested in community yet, but her H may indeed be sometime soon.

 

I suspect OP is not truly interested in a proper open poly relationship with strict negotiated rules. I don't think the words cake eater in the thread title are ironic or there by mistake!

[BourneWicked]

Open relationships don't work for most men and I am certainly not advocating it. It would not work for my H and I would never suggest it or expect him to be ok with an arrangement of that nature. However, my point is, this may work in HER situation because of the way her SO is wired. He could very likely be fine having a physical relationship with other women without getting attached. And because he is highly sexual (with less emotion) in nature that might be his motivation to give it shot. We can't assume this is devastating to him just because that is the 'societal norm', open relationships work for some people.

 

THANK YOU Invisible Lady... this is the clearest picture of what is going on right now. I appreciate it.

 

The anguish - if you've read my previous posts, you can read about a girl with some daddy issues she's never gotten past. That's what the counseling is for. To me, anguish feels like love. I want to change that, I'd give anything to trade that first feeling of love for whatever real love feels like. It isn't everything to my relationship with the MM; he's clever, he's funny, he's the other side of my coin.

 

- The sex addiction is still a thing. To the point that SO admits it's a thing. I got to a place of me telling him, after the laundry was all washed, one time after sex that I felt like I could be a blow up doll and it wouldn't make a difference. He actually took this to heart. He now makes an effort to kiss and hug me when he gets home which has been huge. Still a lot of excessive touching and comments (everything is about sex. Everything), but this really has made a big difference in our relationship.

 

-SO's interest is in outside recreational sex. Our goal is to make this happen out of town, keep it somewhat distanced from our personal lives. My ideal would be a married woman who isn't getting any from her husband, maybe he's gay, but they're open and she doesn't want to change her life. There are actually women who are on the er, short end of the stick there.

 

-SO might be codependent, I don't know. I hope he realizes that he's a pretty decent guy who could find someone good for him. Would they put up with sex 10+ times a week like his (likely also codependent) significant other does? I don't know how many women there are out there like that, but maybe that's not a gamble he wants to take.

 

-I am actively looking to make a threesome happen for my SO. Before our relationship, I was the third in a couple's threesome, and I almost had a threesome with my SO and a friend I trusted. That's not a huge deal; the biggest deal is that the number 3 is sane and clean. Bonus points if she's an intelligent person I would spend time with outside of this.

 

To this:

 

I suspect OP is not truly interested in a proper open poly relationship with strict negotiated rules. I don't think the words cake eater in the thread title are ironic or there by mistake!

 

I think I am.

 

There is irony, but no mistake.

 

The words in the title are a play on the quote from the father of the atomic bomb.

 

I am become death, destroyer of worlds.

 

I understand what this can do and I don't take it lightly. It's not about my good fortune. It is about my very short life, my passionate loves, and spending some serious time figuring out what I am okay with and not okay with leaving in the wake of my decisions.

 

I really do appreciate all the input. I do feel like I've gotten away with murder, and I haven't stopped thinking about it since.

Edited August 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

To me, anguish feels like love. I want to change that.

 

I’m curious to know how you think you are accomplishing this (changing this association) by opening your marriage to threesomes, affair partners, or any other arrangement? To me, that has the potential to invite a great deal of anguish into your relationship. If anything, it seems like you are propagating more of the same...

[Amethyst68]

If you were interested in a true poly relationship then the one relationship you would be cutting off would be with your MM. You should be looking for someone practicing a similar lifestyle. Truth, openness and most important of all consent is required from all partners, as you both intend to remain lying to MM's wife this is obviously is not the case. In light of this, IMO your affair remains an affair.

[BourneWicked]

Just because he is not good at meeting HER emotional needs and he has a high sex drive doesn't necessarily mean he wants to have sex with other women...

It all depends how monogamous his thinking is, not how high his sex drive is nor whether he has a high/low EQ.

 

He has a "flirty" personality but was very much monogamous I believe. He has said that in some ways, he was relieved, because he feels he would have broke eventually. But who knows, had he never been tested... This comment is good because I tried to read up on it, and finding info about a sex addict who was monogamous was pretty tough. I truly do believe he was, but most addicts you read about are like, multiple prostitutes/everyone they know. Even trying to explain this to my friends - whose husbands haven't twitched in weeks - is tough. I try to see the positive. I feel for the people who are on the other no-sex side; that would be even worse.

 

RE: SO I'll add, before it's asked (it sort of was up there), that I've encouraged him to take someone else home, as long as he's up front to her about what's going on (despite me clearly not having been. I get the destruction... I want to avoid that in the future). He's not interested in seeking a random one night stand, and does not believe he would be successful. He has told me that I'm very attractive, and he is not as much, even though I don't see it that way. To me, his personality is so much more fun and bubbly than mine (after all, that's what snagged me, right) so I can't see it being a problem. But to his point, women are way choosier than men.

 

I have told him that he could take a woman upstairs and I'd relax with a cigar, a newspaper, and a glass of Chianti. He's not interested, he wants me involved. So, he has a hall pass he is free to use, whenever, and I am actively pursuing extracurricular activities for us. It's not that I don't care; I love him and enjoy his company. And I literally am okay with him having an outlet for his sexual energy, within our rules.

 

Regarding opening up to more anguish: the openness actually does not feel like that to me. If anything, openness and honesty are kind of "boring". It's got nothing on the elicit deceit of an affair. I now tell my SO about what I talk about with MM on the daily. But the open bit feels kind of good. It feels alive.

 

An example:

 

There was a run I participated in a few weeks ago. SO showed up to cheer me on. Afterwards, he said he talked to a lady there about fitness, boating, etc. He thought it was cool, because he normally wouldn't have talked to her. But with our open thing, he felt like that was a go. Told her his girlfriend was running in the race. She was pretty good looking, and I think he underestimates himself. It felt nice. Things might get dicey... I'll keep you posted. But the open, honest, but together, I want to try this.

 

Monogamy is a societal construct. A pretty recent one, history of humanity considered. Realistically, MM's life falls into that construct and I think that's the biggest remaining question/issue/disaster.

 

If you were interested in a true poly relationship then the one relationship you would be cutting off would be with your MM. You should be looking for someone practicing a similar lifestyle.

 

I'm not interested in a "true poly relationship" or "poly lifestyle". I am interested in what works for me. I am not available to anyone other than who I am interested in. I will not waste my time on anyone other than who I want to spend it with. MM might be married, but he's a human being capable of making his own decisions.

 

The definition is correct. It's still an affair in that his wife does not know. Which is why I come here.