pepperbird Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 The more you post, the more you reveal the truth, and in spite of the way you want it to look, it aint pretty. What it boils down to is you aren't happy with your husband, and you try to paint is as being because he's a sex addict. If that truly was the root cause of all of this, you would be trying to find a workaround for both of you that fits into his monogamous nature. That's not what's happening. You want to be with other men, and are blaming your husband for that. I get it. It seems you've discovered that you like being with more than just one guy at a time. There's nothing wrong with that, except that you're married. I see nothing wrong with being with as many people as you want if that's what suits you, but why be married to this guy? You paint him in such a negative light, and he's not going to be getting any of the rewards from a marriage that is now designed to benefit just you. If he's not capable of meeting your own emotional needs, then find someone who is and build a life with just them. Give your husband a chance to find a woman who is more in tune with him. As an addendum, stop trying to blame your husband for your choices. This is on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 The more you post the more it seems you could be labelled the one the addiction problem. I only hope the BW finds out sooner rather later, NOT because I wish you any ill will or pain but that woman deserves to least be on a level playing field with everyone else. Especially when it comes to having the knowledge needed to make informed decisions about her life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 (edited) I see nothing wrong with being with as many people as you want if that's what suits you, but why be married to this guy? You paint him in such a negative light, If he's not capable of meeting your own emotional needs, then find someone who is and build a life with just them. Or have relationships with as many men as you want... I also wonder why you stay with this man when you have nothing particularly good to say about him. He may be a sex addict, but he is not the person actively working to undermine your marriage. It also concerning how very little empathy you have towards the BS. Meaning, you have expressed none. Edited August 24, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 I can come down as hard on MW as anyone on this site. I have discussions with OP through the years and one takeaway I've always had is she is as in tune with her situation as any MW I've seen post here. With that being said, I think she isnt here. But then again maybe she is and maybe her true end game is having her SO be the one to actually end the relationship, ultimately I believe that is what's going to happen. At some point he will finally receive the message she is sending and that is he is not enough for her, she thinks she can do better and from what she has wrote here through the years that much is obvious it's what she believes. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 I can come down as hard on MW as anyone on this site. I have discussions with OP through the years and one takeaway I've always had is she is as in tune with her situation as any MW I've seen post here. With that being said, I think she isnt here. But then again maybe she is and maybe her true end game is having her SO be the one to actually end the relationship, ultimately I believe that is what's going to happen. At some point he will finally receive the message she is sending and that is he is not enough for her, she thinks she can do better and from what she has wrote here through the years that much is obvious it's what she believes. If she knows this about herself and she chooses to stay, then she is little more than a user. I know that's not pleasant to say or hear, but it's the truth. Basically, she's turned him into her source of money ( form what she says, that's about all he's good for with her) while she goes about enjoying herself with other men. I don't think she's a user at heart, and sooner or later, this will all catch up to her. When it does, it could be really painful. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 (edited) Sometime after I divorced I started dating a wonderful woman. She was a perfect fit for me, so much so that even my (then ex now remarried) wife commented on it. Her main focus for her future was to become a mother, I was never interested in having children with multiple women. I recognized that we didn't align with future plans and made the decision that it was IN HER BEST INTEREST that the relationship ended. I was in my upper 30s and she in her upper 20s. I didn't want to waist her time. Point being I was the one who recognized, despite us being a good match, that our relationship would at best be a struggle but most likely a trainwreck in the future, so I ended it. OP recognized long ago that this relationship didn't work for her, but parts of it were to her benefit. She has and is choosing to selfishly maintain the relationship for her benefit and has now strong armed her SO into an open relationship. I don't necessarily believe she is using him, I believe she cares for him deeply, just not enough to do what's best for him. I honestly don't believe he has all the Information to make the best decision for himself. I may be wrong, but I'm betting she hasn't been completely honest about her feelings and actions involving the MM or her lack of feelings, desire and respect for her SO. Edited August 24, 2019 by DKT3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 I don't necessarily believe she is using him, I believe she cares for him deeply, just not enough to do what's best for him. That, and about $2.00 bucks, will buy her a small cup at Tim Horton's. In other words, what difference does that make? He r"love" is causing more harm than good for both of them, not to mention her OM's BS who never signed on for any of this. If I thought the OP was cold and callous, there'd be no reason to point this out. The truth is, to me, she sounds like she really does care and a lot of this is based on her emotional pain. To me, that should be addressed first before unilaterally deciding to open her marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted August 25, 2019 Share Posted August 25, 2019 You know I was done with this thread but there is one aspect that keeps gnawing away at my gut. OP, your SO has a sex addiction but identifies as monogamous. That is his nature, who he is - to make your situation at home more equal you've pushed him to have sex with other women, he refuses because he wants you so now you're organising threesomes to 'push' him into enjoying this new sexual freedom he doesn't want and didn't ask for. So here's what's been bothering me (almost subconsciously) if we reversed the sexes and OP was a male I think the reaction would be very different. There would be at least a mention of coercing the SO into this choice so OP could be a cake eater. There would be an outcry about a man arranging threesomes for a wife who he has already acknowledged only wants monogamy but hey it's okay because he'll participate as it's the only way she agreed to keep him. I hope the SO realises he deserves better than this, he can get treatment for his sex addiction, he definitely needs treatment for self worth and self esteem! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BourneWicked Posted August 30, 2019 Author Share Posted August 30, 2019 Some of this is really on point, and some of the comments fail to capture the whole picture. I believe my SO truly does want an open relationship and I think we can both make that work. I did appreciate the comments here... I've done a lot of ruminating, which is my usual, and I'm hoping to move on through counseling, etc. The one thing I get hung up on is his poor wife. Was I MM's first? Doubtful. Was I his only? Also doubtful. It's extremely rare that I'm attracted to someone. Physical appearance, sure, but I've discovered that a massive intellect and a way with words are my biggest turn-ons. When SO and I have discussed our open relationship, one thing I said is that I will not let something like this happen again. I will be up front with it (that's what he wants) and let him know beforehand if I meet someone I'm interested in. One thing that came of this is I feel like I am more honest with myself, which I think will be hugely helpful in preventing anything in the future. I've seen it said that the most destructive part of an affair isn't the betrayal itself, its the lies upon lies that are used to keep it going. Anyway, I hope this is helpful to anyone who has been in an affair. I still would give for him to be magically deported to another dimension (or something) so I wouldn't have to think or feel about him. But yeah, as others have said. His poor, poor wife. (And my poor, poor SO if you would like to believe that as well ) Link to post Share on other sites
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