IslandSanctuary Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 Ok, I feel like maybe I'm being a little insecure but here goes. My wife is from overseas and quite often travels back home to visit friends/family or has friends visit her here. She will sleep in the bed of a female friend when the only other option is a couch/floor etc. She's told me she wouldn't share a bed with a male friend - which I am thankful for because I feel like that is crossing a hard boundary for me and would put my relationship with her at risk. She is in no way bisexual or bicurious, and doesn't do this for fun or on a regular basis. I don't know why this bothers me. I feel like us sleeping together is special time shared between us. She has even badmouthed her friends husband to me - explaining that he didn't quite like them sleeping together either and that that made him a douchebag. I can't help it but the thought of her sleeping with someone else bothers me. It bothers me that she doesn't feel that it means much. I do realize that my marriage is very good if this is all I have to complain about. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 Unless there has been inappropriate behavior between your wife and your friend, I don't see how sleeping beside her friend for overnights is such a problem. Women do that all the time with no sexual connotation. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 Women do this all the time on girls trips. It is not a big deal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 Totally normal thing for women to do. And for the record, we don't snuggle....that would be weird. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 Indeed. I’ve shared a bed in many a hotel room with my friends. We have slept four to a room when travelling together. I wouldn’t worry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandSanctuary Posted August 20, 2019 Author Share Posted August 20, 2019 Thanks for the replies, you put my testosterone fueled insecurities to bed. I just wouldn't share a bed with a guy mate - waking up with morning boners sticking into each other or even dry humping each other in a dreamlike state isn't exactly my cup of tea. I guess this just highlights that men and women are indeed different. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 I'm female and I wouldn't share a bed with someone who dry humped me when I was sleeping either 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 I just wouldn't share a bed with a guy mate - waking up with morning boners sticking into each other or even dry humping each other in a dreamlike state isn't exactly my cup of tea. I’m going to guess you don’t make group trips to the restroom with your buddies either. vive la différence... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandSanctuary Posted August 23, 2019 Author Share Posted August 23, 2019 (edited) Heya, I'm new here and I've been struggling with this for a while. My wife is a regular gym goer - 3 or 4 nights a week. She recently met a guy there - they'd become familiar working out in similar time slots and eventually conversation started between them. She's been going to the same gym for over 4 years. They make a point to hit the gym at the same time now and do some of their workouts/treadmill sessions together and attend classes together. So she sees him 3-4 times a week. Sometimes less but mostly every session they are there together. On top of this about 3 months ago they added each other on Facebook and message each other on there. Just friendly banter - purely innocent - my wife is very transparent about it. But on the whole I feel like she has more contact with him than I do with any of my friends or my mother, she has more contact with him than she does with any of her other friends/family. Something about it doesn't sit well with me. I have limited female friends outside the workplace - and i'd only send them 1-2 messages every few months or so and personally wouldn't feel comfortable hanging out with them in one on one situations - especially on a regular basis. I tried talking this through with my wife, but she laughed and said I have nothing to worry about - it is perfectly fine and normal and healthy for her to have platonic friendships. I told her it doesn't sit well with me and she accepted that but nothing was resolved and she made me feel foolish. When does a platonic friendship start crossing the line into EA territory? What should I do about this? Am I being insecure and controlling? Edited August 23, 2019 by IslandSanctuary Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 Any one on one time with an opposite sex friend has the potential. It may or may not end up there but it happens. Coworkers, hobbies, gyms, etc. many will say it's normal but if you look at couples with infidelity issues that's where most of them start. Check your phone bill. If there are a lot of calls texts it should give you a clue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 There's a good book called "Not Just Friends" by glass that will give you and her a better perspective. The one common thing. If it has crossed the line shed never admit or tell you until it's way too late. Usually if you have a gut feeling it would be wise to listen to it. Instincts can be pretty accurate. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MetallicHue Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 It’s hard to say. I’ve had high interactions with most people and it was just friends but one person was not (of opposite sex). I would definitely watch it as it does seem suspicious. Those behaviors seem more extreme - purposely lining thing up was something I did with the person who I liked (but didn’t like me back). Link to post Share on other sites
Flame Aura Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 I am going to assume you trust your wife in the first instance, and the reason it doesn't sit well with you is because you don't trust this guy to not try to make a move on her, regardless if she is married. If he does make a move on her, you trust her to be able to say no, right? You say she has been transparent about the whole thing, so has she given you any reason to think she is not trustworthy and something might be going on? Have you thought about joining her in the gym so you could workout together? Also you could meet this guy. And lastly, my girlfriend sometimes goes for a meal, or to the cinema with a male colleague of hers, if for example I have plans with my friends so we can't meet up. Sometimes it's just two of them. Am I bothered? No because I trust her 100%. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 Is her friend married, or single? If married, you could a suggest a dinner together so you can meet him and his wife. That may or may not be a deterrent. You could ask your wife how she would feel if the roles were reversed and all she had was promises from you that nothing was happening while you kept seeing a new woman? You could spy by putting a GPS on her car and activating the GPS on her phone. That of course introduces a degree of distrust in your relationship that can cause its own problems. If you have no reason to distrust your wife then keep the radar up and running and wait and watch. You have already expressed you concerns. If something is going on she will now be more careful so stop confronting her. Meanwhile, since she is so cavalier about bringing friends of the opposite sex into your marriage and then dismissing your concerns, it should be OK with her if you do the same. It looks like the boundaries in your marriage have changed whether you like it or not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 The line between friendship and an EA can be pretty blurry and it's not clear which side of it this is on. As pointed out, this has the potential to become a serious issue (ie, an EA or PA). So your instincts are right that you should be wary. Not sure what to tell you in terms of concrete specifics other than to keep a genuine eye on this. If you start to feel truly uncomfortable, IMO you're within bounds as a spouse asking her to end the specific friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 You say that you have purposefully limited opposite sex friendships for yourself. Why? Now that you know your wife is not on the same page as you, I'd say go ahead and get to know your female acquaintances better. Just be transparent, like she is to you. Your wife surely wouldn't mind, right? At best, you are just equalizing the relationship, as she knows how you feel and has made no attempt to put your mind at ease. At worst, you could be lining up wife #2 to replace wife #1 when she inevitably begins cheating with her new sweat buddy... Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 Have you met him? Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 BTDT. If I had it to do all over again I would say "Look, I know you like going to the gym. However, I am just not comfortable with you hanging out so much with guyx and wish you wouldn't.". Her actions after will tell you everything. Likely that she values him more than you right now. What you do after that is the real question. You can either insist she quit (which will cause it's own problems), start going with her (which you should anyway), do nothing (which will escalate their relationship), or start planning for her eventual cheating (yep). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandSanctuary Posted August 23, 2019 Author Share Posted August 23, 2019 I don't really like these replies telling me to broaden my circle of female friends and do it back to her. I don't really want to. I see that as being tit for tat and the beginning of the end. Even if things between her and this guy never developed further I would remain unhappy at their level of interaction. It interferes with how I treat my wife and just makes me insecure. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandSanctuary Posted August 23, 2019 Author Share Posted August 23, 2019 And lastly, my girlfriend sometimes goes for a meal, or to the cinema with a male colleague of hers, if for example I have plans with my friends so we can't meet up. Sometimes it's just two of them. Am I bothered? No because I trust her 100%. Does she see this guy 3-4 times a week and exchange online messages with him every few days or so? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 Have you explained to her that while women find it very easy to be "just friends" with men, that it's rare for straight men to befriend a woman just for the sake of being "just friends"? I mean, there are exceptions, but men usually just aren't taking up with women to be friends. One way you can tell that is they seem to rarely ever want to "be friends" with unattractive women, but will sometime latch onto an attractive one to see if they can work their magic. I realize this still means you can trust HER, but is it fair to the guy if it turns out he gets invested? He probably thinks this is going somewhere. She's sure it's not because she's not attracted to him, probably, but he doesn't know that. I believe if I were you I'd go work out with her and make myself and my relationship visible to him before I rocked the boat any further, because if he sees you together, that might bring him back to reality if he was under any delusions. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandSanctuary Posted August 23, 2019 Author Share Posted August 23, 2019 And lastly, my girlfriend sometimes goes for a meal, or to the cinema with a male colleague of hers, if for example I have plans with my friends so we can't meet up. Sometimes it's just two of them. Am I bothered? No because I trust her 100%. To me those are date activities and sure for some people that is fine, but I'd rather be single than be in a relationship where that was common place. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 My wife is a regular gym goer - 3 or 4 nights a week. IslandSanctuary, I'm trying to understand your respective schedules. Do you and/or your wife work M-F jobs? Assuming you do, why would anyone would schedule something away from their spouse 3-4 nights a week? I'm fairly fanatical about tennis, play 3-4 times a week. But it's at hours when my wife is otherwise occupied with work or volunteer activity, I'd never do it at the expense of our time together. And I'd guess if you were hanging out in a bar with buddies "3 or 4 nights a week", there'd be some pushback. Lots of things you can do together addressing her need for exercise and fitness, with both individual and joint benefits. And doing so also addresses the issue of her new 'friend", he can find a different workout partner. Your wife has you... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 23, 2019 Share Posted August 23, 2019 Even if things between her and this guy never developed further I would remain unhappy at their level of interaction. It interferes with how I treat my wife and just makes me insecure. In that case insist that she end it. You have every right to insist on a married life where you feel emotionally safe. Figure out a way to explain this in fair but firm terms. Bit a bit cautious as you want to rock the boat enough to get a course correction, but without causing further issues or backlash from her. As a spouse it should be your call and within your rights to ask that she end any specific friendship if that specific friendship disturbs you IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandSanctuary Posted August 23, 2019 Author Share Posted August 23, 2019 IslandSanctuary, I'm trying to understand your respective schedules. Do you and/or your wife work M-F jobs? Mr. Lucky She's a teacher and finishes work about an hour before me, plus she's closer to home - so she's always used this time for her gym sessions. Link to post Share on other sites
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