Wife made a new friend.

[Marc878]

A lot of common theme you hear with infidelity is:

 

I trusted them 100%.

 

IMO you spend a lot of one on one time with someone you will bond. Will that lead to something else? Not necessarily but it's part of the common theme when it does.

[Mr. Lucky]

She's a teacher and finishes work about an hour before me, plus she's closer to home - so she's always used this time for her gym sessions.

 

Well, I've been married to a recently retired teacher for 30+ years. And if your wife's like mine, many nights she's bringing work home with her. In your wife's case, the work could be done as she's waiting for you so you'd have free time with her at home.

 

My question would be this - does her approach prioritize your time together? Or something else?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Flame Aura]

Does she see this guy 3-4 times a week and exchange online messages with him every few days or so?

Don't think they work together anymore but when they did probably saw each other most days yea.

 

 

Erm I don't keep tabs on who she talks to online or on whatsapp or whatever because I trust her.

 

To me those are date activities and sure for some people that is fine, but I'd rather be single than be in a relationship where that was common place.

Well your insecurities will be taking you straight to single life soon enough.

[Buffer]

Can I ask what is your communication like between you and your spouse?

The reason I ask, is if it is great then bring up the issue you have with the relationship between her and her gym friend/work out buddy. Until she understands your concern.

 

If it isn’t that great then, start working on it so you can raise it with her to her understanding your concerns.

 

There are a multitude of post with a similar problem with the wife’s new friend and, we are just... or he isn’t like that. Only to find out after a few months of him sweet talking her, telling her what she wants to hear, then the undercutting of you. He isn’t respecting you, he doesn’t deserve you. Then a coffee or after work out drink, will lead to a EA, than the final disrespect of a PA.

 

All the time you were watching it happen. Women do think ? men can just be friends. Unfortunately there are a lot of men who think of a married woman as a notch in their bang belt.

 

Good luck

[Marc878]

^^^^^^ this unfortunately is a script that plays out over and over.

 

100% trust is never a good thing. It happens all to often.

[elaine567]

Women do think men can just be friends. Unfortunately there are a lot of men who think of a married woman as a notch in their bang belt.

I do agree.

Some women are really good at keeping men at bay and don't and will never cross any lines.

Others can be pretty vulnerable to close male attention, add in a some "trouble" at home then it can lead to the inevitable.

 

I don't really know what category the OP's wife falls into, but why has she apparently sought out a male gym buddy?

I am not suggesting she is cheating, but there may be something she is missing in her marriage that he fills, and that may make her vulnerable, if not now, in the future.

 

OP - take a good look at your marriage.

Men in general tend to assume fights and disagreements are fixed when she stops arguing. But sometimes they are far from fixed, just stored away and resentment builds. Be aware.

If she is complaining, especially if it is a recurrent compliant, don't dismiss, listen.

[usa1ah]

If she is spending more time quality time with him then she does you then you have trouble.

 

Sounds like it is already an EA.

 

Get the book not just friends.

 

Every cheater has said exactly what your wife told you about her friend. She made you feel like a fool for talking about it to keep you from talking with her again about it.

 

Read “The 180” and do it to a point. Make sure that your wife understands that this is a issue for you by you actions if she doesn’t want to talk about it.

 

I have read so many stories just like your situation were the wife was already cheating by the time the husband had a gut feeling that something was up.

 

Sorry for being so blunt, your wife has a EA going on it not a PA already.

Edited September 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[usa1ah]

Don't think they work together anymore but when they did probably saw each other most days yea.

 

 

Erm I don't keep tabs on who she talks to online or on whatsapp or whatever because I trust her.

 

 

Well your insecurities will be taking you straight to single life soon enough.

 

It’s not insecure to not want your wife dating another man.

 

Too many affairs start in this way.

[FMW]

Tell her how much this bothers you, not just that you're uncomfortable about it, but that it has become a real problem. Be really blunt and ask her how she would feel if you were doing the same with another woman. I don't think there are many wives out there who would be cool with that.

 

Unless you've done other "controlling" things and she's just trying to regain some autonomy, she should be able to understand and be willing to prioritize your feelings over working out with her gym buddy. I think any reasonable person in general, and especially women who generally operate more in the emotional sphere, should understand.

[mark clemson]

Men in general tend to assume fights and disagreements are fixed when she stops arguing. But sometimes they are far from fixed, just stored away and resentment builds. Be aware.

If she is complaining, especially if it is a recurrent compliant, don't dismiss, listen.

 

 

Think this is very true. My wife and I had issues like this in recent years that needed to be addressed.

[Clockwork]

When I was on a three day camping trip a number of years ago I had to sleep shoulder to shoulder with two other guys in a tent. What can you say? We're men, it didn't bother us, it was just necessary because of the lack of space. If anything it is even LESS of an issue with women.

[elaine567]

I’m going to guess you don’t make group trips to the restroom with your buddies either.

Maybe a lot of guys would benefit from a trip to the restroom with their buddies. It is good fun and a lot of problems can get sorted out there.

Similarly sharing bedrooms with friends, is all about chat chat chat...

 

Men are so hung up on sex and worried that they may be seen to be homosexual, that all that stuff is out of bounds...

[ExpatInItaly]

I just wouldn't share a bed with a guy mate - waking up with morning boners sticking into each other

 

You do realize women don't have this issue, no?

 

You are worried for no reason. I have shared a bed countless times with close female friends with absolutely no sexual undertones whatsoever. It's normal.

[Mr. Lucky]

Maybe a lot of guys would benefit from a trip to the restroom with their buddies. It is good fun and a lot of problems can get sorted out there.

 

Going to guess you haven't been in many men's restrooms, but they lack a certain ambiance conducive to discussion and problem solving.

 

That's why bars and taverns were invented...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have often shared a bed with friends. Once on a trip, there was 4 of us in 1 room with 2 double beds. So I shared a double bed with someone I didn't even know that well for 7 nights. Nothing even close to sexual happened.

 

 

 

Only once there was something sexual - I shared a bed with friend's wife. She got drunk and told me she was bisexual and tried to put moves on me. I sent her to the couch. She apologized profusely in the morning and I never told her husband. I also never shared a bed with her again

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She got drunk and told me she was bisexual and tried to put moves on me. I sent her to the couch. She apologized profusely in the morning and I never told her husband. I also never shared a bed with her again

 

Definitely the exception, not the rule, as you know! Usually, the next morning goes more like this:

 

"I hope I didn't wake you up when I got up to pee!"

"Did I toss and turn too much?"

"I hope I didn't snore and keep you up."

Edited August 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[RecentChange]

Like everyone else has said.... Totally normal.

 

I am straight as the day is long - never had any interest in women, but I have shared my bed with plenty! Never thought twice about it - feels about the same as sitting on the same couch with another woman.

 

It's not sexual at all, and like someone else said, it doesn't involve dry humping or spooning....

 

Although I do recall when I was about 17 I slept with my best friend every night for a few weeks - you see her father died suddenly and she couldn't handle being alone. In that situation I did hold her as she went to sleep - I don't know that two guy best buddies would do the same.

 

Women are different in some ways.

[preraph]

Well, you are overly possessive, I'm afraid. Your thoughts on it are paranoid, illogical, and unreasonable. So it's a good thing you came here to put it into perspective.

 

Nothing at all wrong with sharing a bed with your female friends or relatives. Nothing sexual about it. It's normal.

[LuckyM]

Agree with Preraph and Schlumpy here.

 

No, don't do the same to her--that would worsen the issue.

ALso refrain from anger and accusations, as that can only make her feel worse.

 

Speak gently and firmly, bluntly. No need to raise your voice.

 

Maybe the man is merely lonely, or maybe he thinks he has a chance for her.

 

I talk to a married woman on the phone while she is at work, and it is only platonic and will stay that way. Her husband knows me. She's just a friend.

[mark clemson]

Although I do recall when I was about 17 I slept with my best friend every night for a few weeks - you see her father died suddenly and she couldn't handle being alone. In that situation I did hold her as she went to sleep - I don't know that two guy best buddies would do the same.

 

Women are different in some ways.

 

 

Accurate IMO. Believe the vast majority of hetero men wouldn't do this. There is more male to male touching during routine interactions in some cultures than in others, but I suspect lying in bed together with any significant contact would be a whole different level. There's probably a few exceptions out there, but I'd guess not many.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Island sanctuary, you've been given a lot of good advice by well meaning folks on here. I have only a couple of suggestions for you. Firstly get the book " Not just Friends" by Shirley Glass as already suggested by some and present it to your wife, asking her to take the time to read it. Secondly, remember the adage "Trust but verify" used by a former POTUS. The very fact that you are feeling uncomfortable with your wife's befriending this guy indicates that your gut has sensed that things are not really on the level with her behaviour. Also, if it is early days in her friendship with this guy then you may be able to retrieve the situation if you act promptly and decisively. Once her friendship crosses over into the realm of an EA ( Hopefully it has'nt) it will take a monumental effort on your part to recover the situation.

I would like to enquire from you as to what is the state of your marriage currently, what, if any, are the problems the two of you have and what is the severity of these if they exist? If you do have marital problems have you thought of marital counselling? What is the state of your one on one communication and do you get to spend a lot of so called quality time together? In other words are the two of you well and truly a couple or are just room mates? You do not have to answer these questions for us but you must mull over them on your own and try and answer them honestly for yourself. If you do so you will get an answer to your predicament and be able to formulate the way forward. Warm wishes.

[anika99]

Well, I've been married to a recently retired teacher for 30+ years. And if your wife's like mine, many nights she's bringing work home with her. In your wife's case, the work could be done as she's waiting for you so you'd have free time with her at home.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Huh? Mr. Lucky I almost always agree with your opinion but this time you've left me scratching my head. First you say that his wife shouldn't be going to the gym 3 or 4 nights if it takes away from time she could be spending with her husband. The OP explains that his wife actually finishes work an hour before him and uses that hour for the gym, therefore she is not spending her evenings out of the home. Then you say she should be using that hour to finish up any work that she brings home to ensure that she can devote her evenings to her husband. Like seriously? So his wife should do nothing but work and pay attention to her husband? She can't even enjoy an hour to herself a few nights a week?

 

OP I can see why this situation makes you apprehensive. It probably is totally platonic and innocent on your wife's part but we don't know the guy's intentions and it's so easy for someone to cross a boundary in a vulnerable moment. Like say you and your wife have a nasty fight one day and then she storms off to the gym and vents to her platonic male friend. That creates an opening for him. Now he gets to be the guy who soothes her and assures that she is wonderful and only deserves the best which could lead her to think he appreciates her and understands her better than you do and now she's on that slippery slope.

 

I wouldn't trust the guy. Why does he need a married female friend? It would be different if they were friends before she met you and she wanted to maintain that friendship but in that case she would have brought him around so you could get to know him too but she just met this guy and she's already ignoring your feelings for the sake of having him in her life. That's not right. It's fine for her to have him as an acquaintance that she will chat with should she run into him at the gym but it sounds more like they are arranging their time at the gym so that they can be together and now they are also communicating outside of the gym. It's already gone too far.

 

Now I know there are lots of people who feel like male/female friendships can be totally innocent and respectful, I used to think that too. I used to have several close male friends and whenever someone would suggest that my friendships were anything but completely platonic and above board I would become self righteously indignant and go on a tirade about how only an insecure person would be threatened by a platonic friendship between a man and a woman but I wasn't being 100% honest with myself because deep down I knew that my close male friends were attracted to me and anyone of them would have happily dated me or bedded me had I offered them the opportunity. Some of my male friends were open about this and some were more covert. I'm not neccesarily saying that they were all only being my friend in the hopes of getting into my pants. I think they did sincerely enjoy our friendship but they also would have happily jumped on an opportunity to make it more so it was never 100% platonic on their side.

 

The only reason I never ended up dating or sleeping with any of my male friends is because I had a strong boundary that I wouldn't cross. It was me who kept my friendships from crossing the line into inappropriate territory. Now your wife might also have strong boundaries regarding this new friend and she may think you are being silly because she knows herself and she knows there is no way in hell that she would ever do anything inappropriate with him. If she doesn't find him the least bit attractive then it's highly unlikely she will ever have romantic feelings for him but she still needs to consider your feelings on this matter. This isn't some longterm friendship that is near and dear to her heart, this is some dude she just met and she's prioritizing her new friendship over your feelings. That's not acceptable.

[Just a Guy]

Hi IS, after reading your previous thread I would like to ask you which country your wife belongs to? This is because you said she belongs to another country and travels there to visit family and friends. I ask this because attitudes vary with different cultures and while in some countries a woman, especially a married woman would not associate with a man/ men on a one on one basis, there are others where they may have more relaxed norms and boundaries about something like this. If your wife belongs to such a culture, her behaviour and attitude may be completely in consonance with what she has learned and what is acceptable to her. Apart from that if her boundaries are loose than those of the place where you live, then it is possible that she may be vulnerable or even open to developing feelings for this friend of hers especially because they are interacting so regularly on a one on one basis.

Another thing that struck me on reading through that thread was that you seem to have a rather conservative attitude and some would say, even an insecure attitude towards your wife's conduct for the simple reason that you found her habit of sharing a bed with one of her female friends while on holiday as something disconcerting. The ladies on this forum went out to assure you that this behaviour on her part was quite normal among women friends and took pains to convince you that your wife was conforming to normal female behaviour and was not up to any mischief.

I guess you will have to dig deep into yourself to fathom as to whether you are faced with s genuine problem or whether the problem lies with you. Warm wishes.

[Watercolors]

 

I tried talking this through with my wife, but she laughed and said I have nothing to worry about - it is perfectly fine and normal and healthy for her to have platonic friendships. I told her it doesn't sit well with me and she accepted that but nothing was resolved and she made me feel foolish.

 

When does a platonic friendship start crossing the line into EA territory?

What should I do about this?

Am I being insecure and controlling?

 

Your wife may have nothing to worry about if she has no intention of cheating but why does a single man need a married female friend? If he didn't go to high school or college with her, how did they meet? At her gym?

 

Your wife is wrong to be so dismissive of your feelings. Teacher or no teacher, she has no business hanging out with a single man alone. Unless they went to school together or are cousins, then it wouldn't be so weird. So I think it's weird.

 

A platonic friendship crosses into EA territory when one or both initiate it.

 

What you already did -- talk to your wife about your concerns, which she down played and dismissed.

 

I don't blame you for feeling insecure. You shouldn't control your wife's social network -- then I'd accuse you of being an emotional/physical abuser because that's what those type of men do. They project their own insecurities and jealousies they have about themselves on to their partners, then abuse their partners' verbally, emotionally, and eventually physically.

 

Invite the guy out to dinner with you and the wife. See how he acts. If he doesn't bring a date, red flag. If he does bring a date, that means you were overreacting.

[Mrs._December]

I tried talking this through with my wife, but she laughed and said I have nothing to worry about - it is perfectly fine and normal and healthy for her to have platonic friendships. I told her it doesn't sit well with me and she accepted that but nothing was resolved and she made me feel foolish.

Just an observation.

 

Your wife didn't have to tell you ANY of this. But she's been 100% transparent with you and hasn't been secretive about anything. Therefore, her intentions seem pure. I'm not saying that things can't change - this is how a lot of affairs start. I'm just saying that for now, it appears her intentions seem pure.

 

However, and this may sound sexist, but that's not always the same with men. Go watch When Harry Met Sally - the part where he's telling Sally that men don't see women as just 'friends.' That even when a woman friend is unattractive, a guy still basically would have sex with her if he got the opportunity.

 

So even though your wife's intentions may be 100% innocent, I wouldn't bet that the the guy's intentions are just as pure. No sir, I would not.