elaine567 Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 We are all assuming that the OPs wife is "hot" and attractive to the male friend. She may not be, so she is perfectly "safe". A guy at work was paranoid about his wife, he was convinced men were always chasing her and would steal her away from him. It became an obsession, everyone at work got the story. One day we met her. Short, podgy, not pretty with an apparently fixed scowl and a dour personality... I doubt in reality he had much to worry about... Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 We are all assuming that the OPs wife is "hot" and attractive to the male friend. She may not be, so she is perfectly "safe". A guy at work was paranoid about his wife, he was convinced men were always chasing her and would steal her away from him. It became an obsession, everyone at work got the story. One day we met her. Short, podgy, not pretty with an apparently fixed scowl and a dour personality... I doubt in reality he had much to worry about... I also doubt that she had men seeking her out for friendship. When I was young and beautiful I had men around me all the time. Many were openly pursuing me for romance, plenty just wanted to be my friend. As I've gotten older and less beautiful, l have less men pursuing me for romance. Interestingly I have even less men who just want to "be friends" hanging around me. Men like to hang out with attractive women. When they know they can't date her they will settle for friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 As I've gotten older and less beautiful, l have less men pursuing me for romance. Interestingly I have even less men who just want to "be friends" hanging around me. Men like to hang out with attractive women. When they know they can't date her they will settle for friendship. Yes but as you aged the number of guys available to just hang out around a woman also decreased substantially. These guys got paired up, had kids, moved to the suburbs, spent time at home with their families and at work. They also no doubt had wives who would kill him if he was spending time "orbiting" and "befriending" you... Younger guys were looking to orbit women in their own preferred age group. Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 We are all assuming that the OPs wife is "hot" and attractive to the male friend. She may not be, so she is perfectly "safe". A guy at work was paranoid about his wife, he was convinced men were always chasing her and would steal her away from him. It became an obsession, everyone at work got the story. One day we met her. Short, podgy, not pretty with an apparently fixed scowl and a dour personality... I doubt in reality he had much to worry about... Well how attractive was this man? Maybe she was the best he was able to date and marry him. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted September 8, 2019 Share Posted September 8, 2019 So, how have things been going? Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted September 8, 2019 Share Posted September 8, 2019 If she is spending more time quality time with him then she does you then you have trouble. Sounds like it is already an EA. Get the book not just friends. Every cheater has said exactly what your wife told you about her friend. She made you feel like a fool for talking about it to keep you from talking with her again about it. Read “The 180” and do it to a point. Make sure that your wife understands that this is a issue for you by you actions if she doesn’t want to talk about it. I have read so many stories just like your situation were the wife was already cheating by the time the husband had a gut feeling that something was up. Sorry for being so blunt, your wife has a EA going on it not a PA already. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 8, 2019 Share Posted September 8, 2019 It crosses the line when it makes you uncomfortable and she laughed it off by disrespecting you. Sit her down and explain that you don’t like it and she needs to stop spending so much time with him. If she won’t or is sneaky about seeing him then it’s an affair that’s invaded anything good you had with your wife. Personally I’d be showing up at the gym and watching them from afar as they leave... for starters... Did you check her phone bill? Is she deleting messages with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandSanctuary Posted September 8, 2019 Author Share Posted September 8, 2019 Ok, update. I've tried to be cool about it after initially telling her it made me uncomfortable - I really didn't like her response at all. We've always been really close and able to have good discussions about sensitive subjects, she's always told me she'd never do anything to hurt me and that I should always tell her if she did anything that bothered me. I find this behaviour really isn't like her. I found out they've been 'carpooling' together to the gym - she's very conscious of the environment and does the same thing to work with a female coworker. Would I feel strange about her carpooling to work every day with a male colleague? Yes I would. She told me this was just a minor detail and thought she'd already brought it up. She decided I should meet him to show me there is nothing to worry about - we went out for a few drinks/pub food and a movie as a threesome. It was awkward as hell. Her and him did most of the talking and I felt like a third wheel. She tried to involve me in conversation but I just wasn't feeling it. He's a big charismatic heavily tattooed fit guy. I wish I hadn't agreed to go, but I felt like backing out would make me appear to be a jerk - definitely a mistake. I'm so upset by all this I'm thinking of calmly laying down an ultimatum for my wife and explaining I really dont find this behaviour acceptable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beldar Posted September 8, 2019 Share Posted September 8, 2019 Oh my god. She's playing you like a country fiddle. Does she think herself to be the "hotwife" and you to be her submissive cuckold? Why would you agree to go and chaperone their date? Such disrespect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 8, 2019 Share Posted September 8, 2019 I agree, you’ve been played. She said she wouldn’t do anything to hurt you... yet she IS doing things that hurt you. I’d say - if she won’t end it with him your marriage is done. Tell her that. What she does - makes the decision for you. Accept no less than it ending with him. I think she’s cheating and very sneaky! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 If you are willing to then dig for information. Try her friends. GPS the car. Use a voice activated recorder in the car. If not, then just lay it on the line. Let her know in a diplomatic way that if you find out that she is stepping out on you, then you will be gone. Put it out of your mind and try to move on. It's really up to her no matter what you do. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 Your wife is clearly attracted to this guy, I dont even think shes admitting it to herself. Complete denial. Because of this denial she will not comprehend your message of being uncomfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 IslandSanctuary, it sounds like you were the third wheel on your wife's "date" with her male friend. That's awful because it's so inappropriate, where to begin. No married woman who is faithful to her husband does this sort of thing. It's just crossing so many lines. What's worse is that your wife is gaslighting YOU by downplaying her inappropriate behavior, to deflect any accountability on her part for intentionally hurting your feelings. She's trying to make you out to be the paranoid husband, when she's the one doing the VERY blatant emotional cheating with her male gym friend. And she has the gall to flaunt him in front of you like he's some kind of trophy. That's just twisted of her. If her male gym friend didn't have some interest in your wife sexually, he would have brought a friend of his along with him to your "date" with your wife. Could have been a male friend or female friend. If he had done that, I'd say, you would be over-reacting. But the fact that he didn't bring a companion along is a HUGE RED FLAG. HUGE. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandSanctuary Posted September 9, 2019 Author Share Posted September 9, 2019 IslandSanctuary, it sounds like you were the third wheel on your wife's "date" with her male friend. That's awful because it's so inappropriate, where to begin. No married woman who is faithful to her husband does this sort of thing. It's just crossing so many lines. What's worse is that your wife is gaslighting YOU by downplaying her inappropriate behavior, to deflect any accountability on her part for intentionally hurting your feelings. She's trying to make you out to be the paranoid husband, when she's the one doing the VERY blatant emotional cheating with her male gym friend. And she has the gall to flaunt him in front of you like he's some kind of trophy. That's just twisted of her. If her male gym friend didn't have some interest in your wife sexually, he would have brought a friend of his along with him to your "date" with your wife. Could have been a male friend or female friend. If he had done that, I'd say, you would be over-reacting. But the fact that he didn't bring a companion along is a HUGE RED FLAG. HUGE. So you'd be happy if your husband worked out 4 days a week with a fit attractive young woman at the gym and messaged her on social media every few days? If she brought a friend along to 'double date' with you and your husband it'd be fine? Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 I find this behaviour really isn't like her. [/Quote] Pretty obvious you're in denial here. She's doing it right in front of you but it isn't who she is? Wake up already I found out they've been 'carpooling' together to the gym - she's very conscious of the environment and does the same thing to work with a female coworker. Would I feel strange about her carpooling to work every day with a male colleague? Yes I would. She told me this was just a minor detail and thought she'd already brought it up. She decided I should meet him to show me there is nothing to worry about - we went out for a few drinks/pub food and a movie as a threesome. It was awkward as hell. Her and him did most of the talking and I felt like a third wheel. She tried to involve me in conversation but I just wasn't feeling it. He's a big charismatic heavily tattooed fit guy. I wish I hadn't agreed to go, but I felt like backing out would make me appear to be a jerk - definitely a mistake. [/Quote] Bud, she's wanting to get you comfortable so she can continue dating him. What the hell were you thinking? I'm so upset by all this I'm thinking of calmly laying down an ultimatum for my wife and explaining I really dont find this behaviour acceptable. You've let this go on too long. You should have already done it. Good luck now. They've already bonded. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 So you'd be happy if your husband worked out 4 days a week with a fit attractive young woman at the gym and messaged her on social media every few days? If she brought a friend along to 'double date' with you and your husband it'd be fine? What? Why aren’t you understanding the message this poster typed for you? He wasn’t saying it was fine. He’s saying you have no power while your wife is cheating. Did you even check her phone records? Do you plan to do anything to show her you know she’s been cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 Your wife essentially has a date 3-4 days a week. When are you going to tell her to knock it off? Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 (edited) She decided I should meet him to show me there is nothing to worry about - we went out for a few drinks/pub food and a movie as a threesome. It was awkward as hell. Her and him did most of the talking and I felt like a third wheel. She tried to involve me in conversation but I just wasn't feeling it. He's a big charismatic heavily tattooed fit guy. I wish I hadn't agreed to go, but I felt like backing out would make me appear to be a jerk - definitely a mistake. You essentially allowed yourself to go out on the their date as the third wheel. Time to hide a VAR in your WW's car. Classic WW strategy to flaunt their AP as just a friend in front of her husbands face. Edited September 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 IslandSanctuary, it sounds like you were the third wheel on your wife's "date" with her male friend. That's awful because it's so inappropriate, where to begin. No married woman who is faithful to her husband does this sort of thing. It's just crossing so many lines. What's worse is that your wife is gaslighting YOU by downplaying her inappropriate behavior, to deflect any accountability on her part for intentionally hurting your feelings. She's trying to make you out to be the paranoid husband, when she's the one doing the VERY blatant emotional cheating with her male gym friend. And she has the gall to flaunt him in front of you like he's some kind of trophy. That's just twisted of her. If her male gym friend didn't have some interest in your wife sexually, he would have brought a friend of his along with him to your "date" with your wife. Could have been a male friend or female friend. If he had done that, I'd say, you would be over-reacting. But the fact that he didn't bring a companion along is a HUGE RED FLAG. HUGE. To meet up as in have a coffee at a diner, a drink at a bar, and shoot the breeze. Dinner and a movie is a date night. Him into your WW and mostly ignoring you. He got to rub his affair with your WW in your face. The last big tell on this date night is? He did not bring another woman for this date night because his date was already there. Your WW. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 Also GPS her car and activate her find my phone, with the VAR and do not tell WW any of this. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 He's a big charismatic heavily tattooed fit guy.. Oh dear. I did envisage some poor, weedy, socially awkward guy, she had take under her wing, BUT... This guy sounds like he is sex on legs. He is in effect your replacement. Married women messing around are very often really looking to monkey branch and this guy sounds like he fits the bill. With all that sweating and heavy breathing at the gym - I seriously doubt this is a purely platonic friendship... even if it is, I guess it won't be long before it turns physical... Sorry! You don't really need a VAR. If you want to save your marriage, you need to put an end to this today. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 Your wife is in complete denial and doesn't see what she's doing is wrong. She also is minimizing her 'friendship' with him! She's emotionally investing in another man and eventually that WILL make her emotional detach from you. You have every right to be upset, angry and concerned about this other man. He knows she's married, has met you (noticed that he didn't really talk to you or ask you much when the three of you went out together) yet he has no respect for your marriage. If he did, he wouldn't be doing this. Talk to her and let her know that her behavior is completely unacceptable and if she doesn't stop what she's doing she can pack her bags and go live with the other man. Until she suffers some sort of consequence for this, she's gonna continue on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tamfana Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 I couldn’t live in a marriage or with a partner who did what your wife is doing. That she doesn’t see how it is harmful- or doesn’t care- makes it even worse. I commend your decision to not play tit-for-tat or play her game. Hold true to yourself and your principles. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 So you'd be happy if your husband worked out 4 days a week with a fit attractive young woman at the gym and messaged her on social media every few days? If she brought a friend along to 'double date' with you and your husband it'd be fine? No, I would not be happy at all. I think you misread my entire post. What I wrote is that what your wife did -- bringing you along on her movie date with her gym guy -- is totally inappropriate because she is married to you. If her gym guy had brought a friend with him on your "date" then it would not seem so suspicious. But the fact that gym guy showed up alone, shows me that his interest in your wife is way beyond platonic. Does that make sense now? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 No, I would not be happy at all. I think you misread my entire post. What I wrote is that what your wife did -- bringing you along on her movie date with her gym guy -- is totally inappropriate because she is married to you. If her gym guy had brought a friend with him on your "date" then it would not seem so suspicious. But the fact that gym guy showed up alone, shows me that his interest in your wife is way beyond platonic. Does that make sense now? I understood it the first time. Only a man living in denial would not comprehend what is going on with this OM and this BH's marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
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