Wife made a new friend.

[mark clemson]

You may well be right Beldar.

[DKT3]

I dont think many WS set out saying I going to go get in a new relationship today.

 

It simply doesn't happen that way. It happens like this. Meet someone dont hold firm boundaries, deny the attraction we are just friends, defend the "only friends " and cant see how others find it inappropriate. Then this other person makes a move, the WS has broken thier vows and again says I can control this, it wont happen again. Then boom full blown affair.

 

This is how this will progress if OP doesn't stop it now. Stopping it may well be walking away.

[crispytoast]

Yeah that's definitely quite a bit sketchy. To be honest though, you've been letting her walk all over you. Ok, warning ahead of time that I'm not going to sugar coat this. Check it out -- Who picked dinner and a movie? I bet not you. Who sat around awkwardly and let guy control the conversation? You. These are all things you could've counteracted by taking initiative, I'm not talking making a big deal about it, just by putting in your own input. By being involved instead of acting like a glum manchild. By sitting back with a dark cloud over your head, burying your charisma in the sand, and letting it all unfold in front of you without a single effort to save your marriage (sorry trying to control it doesn't count), you have effectly proved yourself to lack confidence.

 

I'm guessing that whatever is going on in her head did not start when she told you about her new gym buddy, that was just when you first noticed it. That was when she started testing you vs whatever image that her marital dissatisfaction had begun to build in her brain. And guess what, you failed the heckin test by getting all twisted and angsty about her gym buddy. You couldve not gotten bent out of shape, said ok so what, had dinner with her, snuggled, and screwed her silly. You could've started going to the gym too -- doesn't have to be with her I might add -- because someone who cares about their own fitness is inevitably going to care about their partner's fitness too. But nope, you failed the test. So what likely legitimately began as a platonic friendship became "wait Mr burly gym man is muscly and confident, what am I doing with this insecure, controlling sap?"

 

Can you save your marriage? Maybe. If that's what you want, you are running out of options and running out of time. I do recommend going to the gym yourself. Don't do it at the same time as them -- remember how he made you feel small and insignificant on dinner night? Imagine how you'll look sulking around the gym lifting half the weight he lifts. Get in shape and build your confidence back up, at best it might rebuild some attraction between you and your wife and at worst, it'll make the breakup hurt less when you already have some innate attraction to bring to the dating table.

 

The other thing is -- and usually I'd never recommend this, but it actually seems appropriate here -- I'd recommend marriage counseling at this point. No more arguing, no more sulking, no demanding that she stops going to the gym with this guy, save all of that for counseling. No GPS devices or tracking, because that is the worst heckin suggestion in the world. Go see a marriage counselor by yourself first without mentioning it to wifey. Get this out into the open with someone who is a professional. When the time is right, ask your wife to come to marriage counseling with you and if she turns it down, then you know exactly where she stands -- that she has no interest in making the relationship work.

 

I know my message probably comes across a little harsh but it's because I want to help you. I hope that you can find some good information in all of this. Good luck bruv and keep us updated.

[usa1ah]

What did she say after the date was over?

[oldtruck]

The other thing is -- and usually I'd never recommend this, but it actually seems appropriate here -- I'd recommend marriage counseling at this point. No more arguing, no more sulking, no demanding that she stops going to the gym with this guy, save all of that for counseling. No GPS devices or tracking, because that is the worst heckin suggestion in the world. Go see a marriage counselor by yourself first without mentioning it to wifey. Get this out into the open with someone who is a professional. When the time is right, ask your wife to come to marriage counseling with you and if she turns it down, then you know exactly where she stands -- that she has no interest in making the relationship work.

 

I know my message probably comes across a little harsh but it's because I want to help you. I hope that you can find some good information in all of this. Good luck bruv and keep us updated.

 

Burying his head in the sand will not help him. Yes he should go to the gym.

MC will be a waste of time for his WW is in an affair.

 

He needs proof that his WW is cheating. Must haves are to GPS her car, VAR

in her car and in their house. Use the find my phone as well.

Edited September 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[oldtruck]

What did she say after the date was over?

 

I bet you let WW sit in between you at the movies. Did you?

 

You should of insisting putting yourself between the OM and WW. C block that

mother F'er.

 

Actually you should of never agreed to your WW setting a date with her OM

allowing you to be the excuse for a date to happen.

[usa1ah]

Dinner, movie and the bar afterwards. I bet your wife was on cloud 9. If you were into threesomes it would of been a complete evening for her.

 

So did her eyes sparkle when she was talking to the OM like they did for you when the two of you first met?

 

I honestly can’t believe you did the third wheel routine with your wife and the OM.

 

I might of done it just to say fu in the middle of it and handed her divorce papers. I would definitely have seen a lawyer afterwards.

 

This is a affair, it doesn’t matter really if it is emotional or physical. By what you said she is definitely into the OM more then you. Instead of you there to get to know him, you ended up being the third wheel. To beat it all, he knows exactly what he did by shutting you out. He was laughing inside the entire time. Then your wife allows him to do so. I guess the times she tried to include you in the conversation was out of guilt. Is this guy single, if so how many single guys do you know would be in a relationship with your wife without getting sex?

 

Carpool thing is bs. They are dating one another and you are doing nothing about it. You have two choices, stand up for yourself and put a end to it or tuck tail and go stand in the corner like a good cockold.

 

There is a thread I believe it is on here. Where a wife did the same thing to her husband but it was with her boss. She she stopped having sex with her husband out of the blue because she got a std. He did divorce her and the OM’s wife divorced him.

 

You can not win by playing the choose me game with her. Read no more mr nice guy.

Edited September 10, 2019 by usa1ah

[elaine567]

Dinner, movie and the bar afterwards. I bet your wife was on cloud 9. If you were into threesomes it would of been a complete evening for her.

Seems to me, MW in affairs are not usually into threesomes.

They are into the OM and NOT into the husband.

The last thing she would want is the husband there.

Much like this cosy chat over dinner, it was about him and her, both no doubt wishing the husband would just leave them alone...

[whichwayisup]

I'm going against the gain here. I dont believe his wife has any interest in having an affair at the moment. I believe she is just enjoying the attention of this "younger hot" guy.

 

The problem is denial and lack of understanding. This thing will get out of hand, the longer she maintains this relationship the deeper she will fall.

 

I suggest you grab her a copy of not just friends.

 

I agree with this, doubtful they've kissed but she certainly is investing in him,getting to know him and bonding with him which will only allow to develop deep feeling for him... He's also well aware of this and on his end it's only a matter of time before HE makes a move on her.

[BettyDraper]

OP, I wonder if your wife is craving some masculine energy.

Maybe she subconsciously wants you to stand up for your marriage and yourself so that she can find you attractive.

Women don't respect men that we can take advantage of.

 

I wouldn't dare bring such nonsense to my husband because he would put a stop to it immediately and he would expect no less from me.

[oldtruck]

Seems to me, MW in affairs are not usually into threesomes.

They are into the OM and NOT into the husband.

The last thing she would want is the husband there.

Much like this cosy chat over dinner, it was about him and her, both no doubt wishing the husband would just leave them alone...

 

Though WW's have used the threesome to manipulate the BH into thinking

let's try swinging, then open marriage, so she can bang the OM out in the

open.

 

I understand honey but the OM never did threesomes before now he has

gotten to do that he does not want to revisit that any more. Husband.

Now the husband gets excluded.

 

I know it is Saturday but how is it my fault you did not try hard enough to

get a date for tonight.

 

Husband why is your lack of planning have to ruin my plans for tonight?

[oldtruck]

I agree with this, doubtful they've kissed but she certainly is investing in him,getting to know him and bonding with him which will only allow to develop deep feeling for him... He's also well aware of this and on his end it's only a matter of time before HE makes a move on her.

 

Also initially the OMW was not friends with the WW. Now she and the OMW

are best buddies. Are the OM the OMW both grooming the WW here?

[crispytoast]

OP, I wonder if your wife is craving some masculine energy.

Maybe she subconsciously wants you to stand up for your marriage and yourself so that she can find you attractive.

Women don't respect men that we can take advantage of.

That's what I'm saying. It sounds like she's wanted him to step it up for a while now.

[IslandSanctuary]

We had 'date night' last night - just the two of us. We went out for dinner and a few drinks, came home and had a few more drinks and watched movies. Well movies were on in the background, anyway.

 

We've always been very close physically - lots of hugging and kissing and touching - and nothing has changed there.

 

Later, in bed I took her hands and looked her in the eye and calmly talked to her about this and how it makes me feel. I reversed the situation and asked if she would be ok if I was spending that amount of time with a new female friend, and that I personally wouldn't feel comfortable spending that much time 1 on 1 with a female friend. I reiterated how it made me feel, and that even if she felt I was being silly or irrational that she should at least take into account my feelings and the damage it was causing our relationship. I explained how I thought her intentions were totally innocent but she was heading down a slippery slope and that male friends will never be the same as female friends - it just doesn't work like that, she needs to have firm boundaries and to set me at ease. I told her you can trust someone but that doesn't mean they are free to do anything - I told her a quote I found on here that I liked "Sometimes monogamy doesn't just mean resisting temptation, it means avoiding temptation."

 

She agreed with me. She said growing up she had a lot of male friends and she misses it and this guy reminded her of an old friend. She thought he was cool and him and I had a lot in common and maybe him and I could be friends. She enjoyed his company, but admitted she found him quite attractive and probably had shared too much with him. I asked her what she'd do if he had leaned in to kiss her and it took her a while to respond which I found worrying.

 

I told her she could be friends with this guy if she cut the interactions way back and maintained firm boundaries and was to tell me if he ever let her know he was interested in more than friendship. If she had any conversation with this guy she would feel uncomfortable with me seeing then we had a problem. I told her I'd like her to change gyms and we could go together - that would make me happy and allow me to put this behind me. She agreed.

[schlumpy]

Good for you. Handled with Aplomb sir.

[whichwayisup]

It's a good first step and I really hope for your sake she does what she said she's going to do.

but admitted she found him quite attractive and probably had shared too much with him. I asked her what she'd do if he had leaned in to kiss her and it took her a while to respond which I found worrying.

 

You have a right to worry. She was honest with how she felt towards him and they got too close. Question is, have they kissed already? Sadly I think deep down you know the answer to this.

 

Keep communicating with her. Ask her (again in the near future) how she would feel if you were doing this behind her back, bonding with another woman, driving her to the gym and texting, finding her attractive and wanting a friendship with her...

 

Married people shouldn't be investing in opposite sex friends like she is! It's OK to have male friends but the spouse has to know the other person and be involved on some level too.

 

Is the OM married or have a girlfriend?

[mark clemson]

Also think you handled it well. Nice job. If it were me, I would have asked her not to see him at all anymore, but it's your marriage and clearly you feel comfortable trusting her with that. Good for you + very much hope that doesn't becomes an issue in the future.

[DKT3]

I really hope this works for you, I have my doubts that this is the end of this.

 

I'm with mark, I would have also suggested that she have no farther contact with him. However, that really isn't going to change anything, she will still do what she wants.

 

It's very concerning that she paused on the kissing question and admitted to have shared too much. Also the fact that she finds him attractive while gaslighting you about your feelings.

 

I initially thought she just enjoyed having his attention but the conversation is very concerning on a few levels. I suspect she will continue contacting him and start hiding it from you.

[oldtruck]

 

I told her she could be friends with this guy if she cut the interactions way back and maintained firm boundaries and was to tell me if he ever let her know he was interested in more than friendship. If she had any conversation with this guy she would feel uncomfortable with me seeing then we had a problem. I told her I'd like her to change gyms and we could go together - that would make me happy and allow me to put this behind me. She agreed.

 

You started good but then derailed the train by saying she can still be

friends with the OM. This OM will use continued contact to get your

wife into an affair.

 

Also allowing WW to go there and work out allows contact.

 

Continued contact will enable to take this relationship underground.

 

Husband and wives do not need opposite sex friends.

Edited September 11, 2019 by oldtruck

[Marc878]

Trying to be the sensitive Mr Nice Guy won't get you much I'm affraid.

 

You left the door wide open. Hope you're not sorry later.

[crispytoast]

"I told her that you can trust someone but that doesnt mean they are free to do anything." Of course she's going to agree with you, she'll say whatever she thinks will make you more comfortable. You may have achieved some temporary ground in your eyes, but based on the progression of the situation, I have a sneaking suspicion that it means very little.

[Marc878]

She agreed with me. She said growing up she had a lot of male friends and she misses it and this guy reminded her of an old friend. She thought he was cool and him and I had a lot in common and maybe him and I could be friends. She enjoyed his company, but admitted she found him quite attractive and probably had shared too much with him. I asked her what she'd do if he had leaned in to kiss her and it took her a while to respond which I found worrying.

Already in EA territory. All he had to do was make a move.

 

I told her she could be friends with this guy if she cut the interactions way back and maintained firm boundaries and was to tell me if he ever let her know he was interested in more than friendship. If she had any conversation with this guy she would feel uncomfortable with me seeing then we had a problem. I told her I'd like her to change gyms and we could go together - that would make me happy and allow me to put this behind me. She agreed.

 

If you're smart you'll readdress this and tell her to cut all contact. She's to deep down the rabbit hole now. From what I've seen you can't stop it once it starts. You may have caught it in time but t you'd better wake up here.

 

Trying to cockblock if they still stay in contact doesn't work out well from what I've seen.

 

Don't be one of those guys who comes here for a reason, ignores the advice and ends up back saying everyone was right. Happens all the time.

[Marc878]

"I told her that you can trust someone but that doesnt mean they are free to do anything." Of course she's going to agree with you, she'll say whatever she thinks will make you more comfortable. You may have achieved some temporary ground in your eyes, but based on the progression of the situation, I have a sneaking suspicion that it means very little.

 

Yep, yep and yep.

[crispytoast]

Another thing I forgot to mention. You played your entire hand. She knows exactly how you feel. She knows how to soothe your worries. She knows what will make you tick. And she knows that you don't feel like you have any control. Nothing shouts "I am really insecure about our relationship" like setting boundaries that you have absolutely no ability to enforce.

 

I have a question for you OP, what do you think Mr Gym Buddy will have to say if she tells him how you think she "isn't free to do anything [she] wants"? I guarantee the ensuing conversation would make you uncomfortable, and I guarantee she wouldnt tell you about it. Plus, if she hadn't thought about kissing him before (which is very possible).... *Long pause*.... It's definitely crossed her mind at this point.

[Marc878]

She knows this is wrong. She isn't stupid.

 

IMO I'd say. This is inappropriate at the least and I'm not interested in this type of marriage. He's completely cut out or else.

 

Better stand up for yourself here bud. You're married to her. This guy is an interloper.