Wife made a new friend.

[oldtruck]

 

I told her she could be friends with this guy if she cut the interactions way back and maintained firm boundaries and was to tell me if he ever let her know he was interested in more than friendship. If she had any conversation with this guy she would feel uncomfortable with me seeing then we had a problem. I told her I'd like her to change gyms and we could go together - that would make me happy and allow me to put this behind me. She agreed.

 

You started good but then derailed the train by saying she can still be

friends with the OM. This OM will use continued contact to get your

wife into an affair.

 

Also allowing WW to go there and work out allows contact.

 

Continued contact will enable to take this relationship underground.

 

Husband and wives do not need opposite sex friends.

Edited September 11, 2019 by oldtruck

[S2B]

Were you clear that you don’t intend to be friends with him?

 

Were you also clear that she is to change gyms ASAP? Seems like that was left open ended.

[Marc878]

Trying to be the sensitive Mr Nice Guy won't get you much I'm affraid.

 

You left the door wide open. Hope you're not sorry later.

[crispytoast]

"I told her that you can trust someone but that doesnt mean they are free to do anything." Of course she's going to agree with you, she'll say whatever she thinks will make you more comfortable. You may have achieved some temporary ground in your eyes, but based on the progression of the situation, I have a sneaking suspicion that it means very little.

[Marc878]

She agreed with me. She said growing up she had a lot of male friends and she misses it and this guy reminded her of an old friend. She thought he was cool and him and I had a lot in common and maybe him and I could be friends. She enjoyed his company, but admitted she found him quite attractive and probably had shared too much with him. I asked her what she'd do if he had leaned in to kiss her and it took her a while to respond which I found worrying.

Already in EA territory. All he had to do was make a move.

 

I told her she could be friends with this guy if she cut the interactions way back and maintained firm boundaries and was to tell me if he ever let her know he was interested in more than friendship. If she had any conversation with this guy she would feel uncomfortable with me seeing then we had a problem. I told her I'd like her to change gyms and we could go together - that would make me happy and allow me to put this behind me. She agreed.

 

If you're smart you'll readdress this and tell her to cut all contact. She's to deep down the rabbit hole now. From what I've seen you can't stop it once it starts. You may have caught it in time but t you'd better wake up here.

 

Trying to cockblock if they still stay in contact doesn't work out well from what I've seen.

 

Don't be one of those guys who comes here for a reason, ignores the advice and ends up back saying everyone was right. Happens all the time.

[Marc878]

"I told her that you can trust someone but that doesnt mean they are free to do anything." Of course she's going to agree with you, she'll say whatever she thinks will make you more comfortable. You may have achieved some temporary ground in your eyes, but based on the progression of the situation, I have a sneaking suspicion that it means very little.

 

Yep, yep and yep.

[crispytoast]

Another thing I forgot to mention. You played your entire hand. She knows exactly how you feel. She knows how to soothe your worries. She knows what will make you tick. And she knows that you don't feel like you have any control. Nothing shouts "I am really insecure about our relationship" like setting boundaries that you have absolutely no ability to enforce.

 

I have a question for you OP, what do you think Mr Gym Buddy will have to say if she tells him how you think she "isn't free to do anything [she] wants"? I guarantee the ensuing conversation would make you uncomfortable, and I guarantee she wouldnt tell you about it. Plus, if she hadn't thought about kissing him before (which is very possible).... *Long pause*.... It's definitely crossed her mind at this point.

[Marc878]

She knows this is wrong. She isn't stupid.

 

IMO I'd say. This is inappropriate at the least and I'm not interested in this type of marriage. He's completely cut out or else.

 

Better stand up for yourself here bud. You're married to her. This guy is an interloper.

[IslandSanctuary]

Really some very paranoid, damaged people on here huh. You talk about her like she's a child determined to cheat and undermine me and our marriage. She knows she ****ed up - this most recent time was the second time I've told her I had a problem with this guy.

If she goes behind my back or breaks any of the boundaries we have set in place regarding this guy then she'll be sleeping on the couch or getting the **** out of the house. She knows that.

Point is I dont want to be married to a child determined to undermine my marriage. So she can play her hand. I dont care.

[whichwayisup]

Do you two have any children?

[DKT3]

These connections can be very addictive. I'm getting that you or your wife doesn't fully understand that.

 

I have seen women get an early wake up call before they actually damage their marriage, most times they just cant stay away, cant give up on the thrill until it's too late.

 

Consequences of her actions are not likely in the forefront of her thinking when she is around him. She has already had you two in the same room In an effort to "convince " you he is safe.

 

Knowing that she is attracted to him and not saying that she wouldn't kiss him back immediately and still setting up that date should prove to you that she isnt thinking rationally when it come to this guy.

 

But hey, downplay this if you want, it's your marriage.

[beldar]

Island Sanctuary you fumbled the ball which led to a turnover.

 

 

Sadly, you know you did but are in denial over it.

 

 

Well, ignorance is bliss I reckon.

 

 

Go forth and be blissful my child, until you can't anymore.

 

 

Beldar terminates transmission.

[elaine567]

Yes there is the big hurdle of crossing the line, but they are both adults, and adults if attracted to each other tend to act on that pretty quickly.

 

You sat her down like a child and told her "Don't do that again" and like a child she probably had already thought up a way to get around you before you even left the room.

That is the problem with "rules", they are there to be broken, and as crispytoast pointed out you have no means to enforce the boundaries you have set.

As it sounds like she has already moaned to him about personal stuff, you are now no doubt the "controlling" husband spoiling their fun.

This is at least an EA, she will not want to give this up easily, even if she wants to.

 

You need to get her to agree, to this split up with her friend, on her own volition, it has to be her idea, not yours.

Of course she is going to agree with whatever you say, it is rational and logical that you do not want to lose her to Mr FitAndCharismatic,

BUT what she is actually going to do about it, may not be what you think she will do.

[usa1ah]

Not really paranoid or damaged. I have just read to many threads just like yours where the wife was already having a physical affair at this point. My wife grew up with mostly guys in her neighborhood, she has never done anything like your wife has for our entire relationship. When she was in college still I went to surprise her in the library one day where I knew she was studying for a big test. I saw her before she saw me. There was a guy trying to talk to her it looked like. All my wife did was hold up her left hand a little bit and played with her wedding band. We have been together for 34 years now.

 

The date was only done to put you at ease with the guy, that didn’t happen. Other wives have tried this approach and sometimes it works. The majority of the times the wife starts hiding everything that goes on between her and the OM.

 

You were wrong in not telling her to stop all contact with him. So now the times they do talk and you find out she will just say “you said we could still be friends”.

Changing gyms is a non issue. I don’t think the only place they met was at the gym. You said they would car pool together, where did they meet to go to the gym? She just has to stop by there and “chat” on her way home now. She has over an hour before you get off right.

 

I would suggest you get the book Not Just Friends for her to read. Also his needs her needs for the both of you.

 

Love blinds us all to some point. Step back and look at your situation as if you were seeing a friend of yours go through this with his wife. What advice would you be giving him?

[usa1ah]

There is a new post on another site where the husband warned his wife twice that he was uncomfortable with her new friend. They had sex a few days after the second warning. It only took 6 months for it to happen.

[Marc878]

Really some very paranoid, damaged people on here huh. You talk about her like she's a child determined to cheat and undermine me and our marriage. She knows she ****ed up - this most recent time was the second time I've told her I had a problem with this guy.

If she goes behind my back or breaks any of the boundaries we have set in place regarding this guy then she'll be sleeping on the couch or getting the **** out of the house. She knows that.

Point is I dont want to be married to a child determined to undermine my marriage. So she can play her hand. I dont care.

 

Nope. Just seen this play out to many times. This is no special situation at all.

 

Happens a lot. I hope you don't find that out.

 

Good luck

[S2B]

Why haven’t you said if you checked her phone bill?

 

Is she communicating with him a lot on her phone and deleting messages?

[S2B]

Really some very paranoid, damaged people on here huh. You talk about her like she's a child determined to cheat and undermine me and our marriage. She knows she ****ed up - this most recent time was the second time I've told her I had a problem with this guy.

If she goes behind my back or breaks any of the boundaries we have set in place regarding this guy then she'll be sleeping on the couch or getting the **** out of the house. She knows that.

Point is I dont want to be married to a child determined to undermine my marriage. So she can play her hand. I dont care.

 

She’s already playing her hand - you just aren’t doing anything that changes it except scolding her.

 

She’s cheating in plain site. You just aren’t looking hard enough for the evidence.

[crispytoast]

Beldar terminates transmission.

Hook it up with that green leafy thing that you found in the field, my space faring friend

[crispytoast]

I don't really agree with everyone saying to demand that she remove him from her life. You played your hand, at this point it would be equivalent of slamming your fists on the table. The hyperfocus on him puts a spotlight on that you feel threatened by him. You have absolutely no way to enforce whether or not she sees Mr Gym Buddy. Also, if it really is platonic (far stretch but its a possibility) it will just make you look like a controlling *******, and gives Mr Gym Buddy all of the ammunition he needs to make moves. Right now I'd advise that you see how her actions change in the coming week or few, if at all, and form a plan from there if need be. In the meantime, start getting in shape like you said you would, focus on self-care, maybe get a massage or teach yourself how to cook something you really like to eat, build yourself up in your head and stop worrying about her for a bit.

[S2B]

Join a gym yourself then - and start having coffe with the hottest singlegal there! See how she likes that.

[usa1ah]

Islandsanctuary, when you asked your wife what she would do if the gym guy leaned in to give her a kiss, what exactly did she do? I know she hesitated when she went to answer the question, do you think it could’ve already happened? Did you ask your wife if he ever try to give her a kiss?

[Poutrew]

Islandsanctuary, when you asked your wife what she would do if the gym guy leaned in to give her a kiss.....

 

If she fluttered her eyes and looked away from you when you asked her, then it already happened. She is just processing whether she wants to do it again...

Edited September 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[IslandSanctuary]

Hello. I've been happily married for just over a year now, and together with my partner for over 4 years.

My wife came to me a few days ago telling me how a friend of hers has just broken up with his gf and has nowhere to live. He's been staying on his mother's couch and commuting over an hour to work everyday.

 

She wants to help him and have him stay with us on weeknights in the spare room until he finds something more permanent and gets back on his feet.

I'm a management consultant and I flit between living at home and sometimes having stretches of a few days staying away in different cities.

For the next few weeks my schedule is full and I'll really only be home on weekends with the exception of an odd day here and there.

 

I asked her how well she knows this guy and he's basically a friend of a work friend - she's only met him in person twice - once after a work social,

and again at her work friends birthday. I met him at the birthday too, but we didn't really talk.

They have talked a few times online, just 1 or 2 messages every few weeks or so. Nothing that implies to me a closeness.

 

The thought of another man staying in my house alone with my wife bothers me. Even if I was there I still wouldn't really like it.

I asked her why his gf kicked him out and she said that she sounds like a bitch.

 

I explained that I don't really want a newly single guy using my wife's shoulder to cry on - that we agree 1 on 1 dates with a member of the opposite sex is out of bounds in our relationship, so living together days on end 1 on 1 should be too. She says she understands how this makes me a bit uneasy but she wouldn't have had such a strong reaction as I have, and that surely 4-6 weeks isn't asking too much. She wants to help him, he's in trouble.

 

I just find the whole idea emasculating and threatening.

[justwhoiam]

Hello.

Hi

 

I've been happily married for just over a year now, and together with my partner for over 4 years.

The "happily" makes me doubt a bit, no offence...

 

My wife came to me a few days ago telling me how a friend of hers has just broken up with his gf and has nowhere to live. He's been staying on his mother's couch and commuting over an hour to work everyday.

My man has a similar commute to the one you described into NYC every day, and he's older. This guy I'm sure he's younger and with lots more energy.

She wants to help him and have him stay with us on weeknights in the spare room until he finds something more permanent and gets back on his feet.

First thing: he's not homeless, he has his mother's place.

I asked her how well she knows this guy and he's basically a friend of a work friend - she's only met him in person twice

This is so ridiculous, it's not that he's her best friend or they've been supporting each other through thick and thin since high school or anything like that. I would say: she barely knows the guy!!! But no, I have a feeling she knows him more than you think.

 

They have talked a few times online, just 1 or 2 messages every few weeks or so. Nothing that implies to me a closeness.

You know what she told you. But no one in their right mind would have someone over for months, when they already have a solid place to stay at. For free. A guy. When the husband can be away for days in a row. She's obviously keen on the idea of having company around. And I can tell she feels so sorry about him because they have been in touch more than you'd want to know. She knows too much for random texts now and then from someone she just met twice. Don't be naive.

The thought of another man staying in my house alone with my wife bothers me. Even if I was there I still wouldn't really like it.

I completely understand that and I think you are right.

I asked her why his gf kicked him out and she said that she sounds like a bitch.

Do you have any idea of the amount of info she got from him through talking to each other to form an opinion like that about someone she doesn't even know? What about she caught him chatting to ladies online? Very possible.

She says she understands how this makes me a bit uneasy but she wouldn't have had such a strong reaction as I have

Be firm in your decision.

I just find the whole idea emasculating and threatening.

I agree. Those boundaries might end up being crossed one day. I'm talking from experience.