Still heartbroken after a year

[missH222]

Hi, I'm having a bad day and just needed to hear other people's stories. Breakup was over a year ago but I'm still heartbroken and struggling every day. I have many good moments but still think about it every single day. The breakup was very bad, I had invested everything emotionally, and never been so in love before.

 

I'm just wondering if it is normal to still feel like this after a year? When does it get better? Did you ever think you would never move on? I have to see this person every day, so it can make a good day into a bad day quickly... But should I not be indifferent by now? I really don't understand why I'm still feeling like this after such a long time. Am I really this weak that I can't move on with my life?!

 

Would be very grateful if someone could share their experiences as I just feel like everything is hopeless.

[Viscerality]

Hello, and welcome to the forum.

 

Why do you need to see them every day? It's incredibly difficult to heal when you can't completely cut off contact.

 

Time heals all wounds, if you let it. It's not about weakness, necessarily. You just need to position yourself away from the person that is causing you pain. Just seeing them will stir up memories you might otherwise be trying to forget.

 

It took me a long time to get over my ex, but it was only possible once I removed her from my life entirely.

 

It will get better! I promise!

Edited August 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Flame Aura]

My first serious break up took me about 1 year to get over her.. my second about 18 months... and we lived in different countries, both of them.

 

 

If I had to see them every day it would have probably taken longer.. why do you see them every day? Do you work together? If so try to get a move to a different location? Find a new job?

[missH222]

Thanks so much for your replies!

 

We work at the same company, and even though we're in different departments and don't necessarily see each other every single day, I still know there's a risk of running into him. The first 6 months he wouldn't give me peace either, kept walking up and down several times a day for an ego boost I guess. It's better now but I still feel very uncomfortable whenever I see him, and of course makes it much worse seeing how happy he is (but why wouldn't he be, it's been a year!!) whilst I'm just broken.

 

I didn't want to leave my job because I didn't want him to take that away from me as well (it's not just about the breakup, he also destroyed my self-esteem and I've spent the last year trying to feel normal again after basically being told how sh*t I am for 2 years). And that's another thing --- why am I still sad when this person actually wasn't that nice to me?

[PureAppleJuice]

And that's another thing --- why am I still sad when this person actually wasn't that nice to me?

 

Have you ever heard of Trauma Bonding? I went through a similar experience - I still miss someone who wasn't that nice to me, it's very hard.

[missH222]

Have you ever heard of Trauma Bonding? I went through a similar experience - I still miss someone who wasn't that nice to me, it's very hard.

 

I just read about it and WOW! It explained exactly how I've been feeling. Thank you - this really helped.

[Rayce]

I hear you... maybe it's the weather but today I woke up with the sting of tears. I am almost 10 months out and I still miss him. It's like a this spot that just aches. I didn't know what I was missing in my life until he reminded me. Then where are other events in my life that happened at the same time... All of it has left me bouncing back and forth between anger and pain. I'm still taking it one day at a time. Wishing you peace.

[Viscerality]

10 years ago (almost to the day), I came to this site. I was in shambles after dealing with being cheated on. Everyone told me to get over it. I quickly learned that people can give you tips, but you need to heal on your own. A lot of things have happened in those 10 years. I am happily married to a wonderful woman, and last year we got a house together. Now I am actually grateful for what happened because it made me stronger emotionally, and helped me realize what I was really looking for in a relationship.

 

Many times, I feel like a great deal of the pain is that they don't miss you on the level that you miss them (or at all), and that can make your pride take a hit. It's easy for me to say all this now, years later. I remember when it consumed me, and it's all I could think about. I guess I just want you to know that a day will come where you will look back on this and laugh. And you'll be better off without him, with someone that will treat you way better, and your overall qualify of life will have improved tenfold.

 

Everything happens for a reason.

 

You are strong. Focus on you.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/337989-no-contact-nc-guide-long-walk-consolidated-discussion

 

Read this. It's helpful. It's difficult that you work with him, but you can still get through this!!!

[nolanola]

I think it's very common for it to take a long time, especially when the ending was so traumatic. It leaves a lot of feelings other than just the sadness of the breakup (guilt, embarrassment, etc). Also, if your self esteem took a hit in the relationship, that takes a long time to deal with too. I completely agree that seeing them makes it 10x harder. I am almost 10 months out of the end of my situation and it is getting a lot better, but I still struggle some days and I haven't seen him at all (a couple of social media slips, but nothing in person).

 

A while ago, I broke up with a guy that was not very nice to me (actually he dumped me). I was devastated and tried really hard to stay in his orbit. We also worked together, but not directly. That was actually worse because I was never 100% sure when I would see him - sometimes he would just show up. I think I was hoping that he would come to some kind of realization that the wanted me back or something. And he was not good to me, so it's crazy to me now that I wanted him so much. Finally, one night he sent me a text that was clearly meant for someone else and it just devastated me. I don't know why that was the one thing that did it, but I vowed to never talk to him again. I completely removed myself from any chance of seeing him, including quitting that job (it was only part time by then). I grieved intensely. After about a year, I felt better but still would have a hard time from time to time. I think it took about 2 years (maybe a little less) for me to be totally over him. Although I could never have believed it, there did come a time when the thought of him disgusted me. I NEVER thought that would happen the day I got that text.

 

The other thing I think that takes a long time to get over is what we wanted the relationship to be. Or who we wanted that person to be. Usually, if we're honest with ourselves, the person did things we didn't like or that made us feel bad. Or there were major red flags or issues. I know, for me, with my more recent guy, I really wanted him to be THE ONE. He looks really good on paper. And people love him. But he's emotionally unavailable and I spent so many nights wondering why I wasn't enough for him. I think admitting that he isn't the one also uncovered some unhappiness about where I am in my life at my age. So it's complicated.

 

Try not to be so hard on yourself. I struggle with this too, so I understand. I am a horrible bully to myself. But I'm working on it and trying to notice when I put myself down. Give yourself time to feel everything and work through it. It will get better, I promise.

 

Another small tip that helped me: I have a list, on my phone, of all the negative things I could think of about my ex. Some of them are small things, like how he walks and some are big, like ways he treated me. When I start to feel sad about him or to remember wonderful times we had, I get that list out. It really helps.

[Beachead]

Hi missH222,

 

There isn't really a set timeline for these things. People can get over relationships as quickly as the day they breakup all the way up to an entire lifetime because it depends.

 

What I can say from experience is there are some very influential factors that can affect your recovery:

 

1. How invested you were in the relationship and the length and quality of that relationship.

2. Whether you were a dumper or a dumpee.

3. Whether you two are still in contact with one another, post-breakup.

4. The personal insecurities/demons that you are dealing with that may have more to do with yourself and other aspects of your life such as problems with family/friends, your health, your career, stage in life etc. These can all impact the way you feel about yourself and the choices you make.

 

I've noticed in your case, you're still in contact with this guy because you work together. I can confidently tell you that is impacting your ability to move passed him and the relationship. You probably fear seeing him. You probably try to avoid routes that might lead you to bump into him. That means, he is in your head, affecting your choices. You stay in this situation that's bad for you because it will mean he took everything from you which means he wins. As you've noticed, it's slowed your healing process down. This is a disservice to yourself. For us to move passed person, they have to be gone from our sight first and foremost. Only then can we begin to rebuild a life where they are not part of our decision-making process. This hasn't happened for you yet, even though it's been a year.

 

You have to let the ego go and do what is best for you.

 

You see leaving your job, as him winning. I see it as you are choosing to run towards a future where you can discover a new, great life where he has zero involvement in it. This will allow you to begin moving passed the pain and return to a healthy state-of-mind where you can eventually meet someone new who may be good for you and you will actually be in better health, to handle the relationship. Right now, your mind is in the past. The wounds are still there. The things he did are still there. Rotting away. Do you think, you are in any state to get together with someone new, if the opportunity ever came? Nope. You'll carry your pain and anger into that new relationship. The same goes for when you meet new friends. If he affects you confidence, this also can translate into the way you view yourself when applying for new jobs, your studies, the way you perceive things. The choices you make etc. So he ends up holding you back in many ways.

 

So all in all, although I realize whether you stay or leave, he's a factor in those decisions ..leaving will allow you to move passed him whereas the former, won't. Your goal here is to move passed him and the latter prevents that.

 

Find a new place to work.

 

- Beach

Edited August 25, 2019 by Beachead

[TeddyPSmith]

its been nearly 2 years for me. I have improved quite a bit but still think about her every day. Hell, im here posting now so that says something.

 

I really enjoy peoples stories of how they thought they'd never get over it even after years and then finally did. NolaNola yours was inspiring. Thanks for sharing.

[scooby-philly]

Hey OP,

 

I think you've received sound advice from a lot of the responses. Sorry I'm late to the party!

 

If you're still feeling that way I would suggest some therapy to help not only address those feelings but also address whatever else might be ailing you, especially since you stayed in a (at least verbally) abusive relationship.

 

I love the idea of a list of things you hate about him somewhere where you can easily/quickly access it.

 

As to the job situation - that's up to you. If you stay, you need to just be yourself and life your life and not let him impact your feelings or your performance. If you choose to leave, make sure you leave for something at least equal to, if not better than what you have.

 

Perhaps some reflection/meditation on a daily basis or at least multiple times a week would help.

 

I think the 4 questions provided by Beachead are powerful to think about:

 

1. How invested you were in the relationship and the length and quality of that relationship.

2. Whether you were a dumper or a dumpee.

3. Whether you two are still in contact with one another, post-breakup.

4. The personal insecurities/demons that you are dealing with that may have more to do with yourself and other aspects of your life such as problems with family/friends, your health, your career, stage in life etc.

 

For me, it will be six 6 weeks tomorrow. I tried playing it off like it was a mutual breakup, but in reality, while I was probably going to be ready and able to demand either a commitment on her part or split ways, she in fact dumped me, in a passive, painful, run and hide way. It was a long-distance relationship with an age gap between us. I can now say that I stayed even though I was doing 98% of the work, I was the only one with the maturity to work on things, and even after she truly broke my heart 3 times because I was afraid of losing her as I finally had met someone who gave me the affection I need/want and had the personality I was looking for and didn't realize I could find that in someone else with whom lifestyle/interests were more compatible and with whom they ACTED liked they loved me and not just said things. She was immature, had no dating experience, didn't think she could hurt anyone, comes from a dysfunctional family, and hides things from people and can be sneaky. So, my first 5.5 weeks were a hell - crying, rage, anger, depression, up and down I finally started turning the corner - I hope - yesterday. I went out and met up with friends from an outdoor group I belong to and realized that I had put my life on hold for someone who in the end didn't love me enough to even care how she hurt me and who will have a terrible string of relationships until she matures - and that I was foolish for trying to make things work and for not recognizing all of this sooner. But, in the end, I was not a fool for trying nor was I fool for falling in love. It taught me how to love/accept someone and try to work on communicating and solve problems together and it taught me how to be open and how to receive love. And it's taught me I do not need to settle and to not fear that I wont ever find anyone. And if I ever put certain things on hold again - the other person will reciprocate with equal commitment in various forms.

 

So, only 6 weeks I can say I've hit the recovery phase. I'm sure I'll probably think about her on/off a lot for the next few months but I've also been in relationships that ended badly before and I'm open to the pain/emotions so I know how to grieve and use my family and friends for support. It will get better but you need to be open to it, work on it, and treat yourself kindly during the process.