How common is “overlapping”

[Nicklb]

How common is this? And why do some people not consider this “cheating”?

 

Let’s say your relationships has problems. So you are still seeing each other, but less frequently. The problems aren’t really discussed.

 

Then one of the partners, behind the other partners back, reaches out to an ex, a friend, or someone new to start flirting via text, email etc.

 

The current partner had no idea, but senses their gf drifting away. Not trying to really fix anything.

 

Then at the end, the “over lapper” says something like “we have been broken up for weeks! I can see whomever I want. Your weren’t treating me right”

 

So of course the overlappers new partner has no idea she was even in a relationship. Everything is great and funnin the new relationship. Everything starts as normal. The overlapped partner feels cheated on.

 

Is this common these days? A red flag for a mental disorder? A cheater?

 

Am I wrong to expect a regular talk in which both partners , or one partner just says “if this doesn’t change, I will reach out to others?” Or “let’s break up and date others”

[Blind-Sided]

Depends on the situation....

 

 

Married: This is 100% WRONG !!!!!!!!!!! You have vows, and there are legal issues involved. If you are separated, but sill married... then it's cheating, no if's, and's, or But's. If you want to move on, and you are separated... then just finalize the marriage.

 

 

BF/GF: If someone is on a break... it's still wrong. Just say it's over, and move on. If you "Overlap" here... then it's just the cowards way out. Waiting until you have someone else to cling on to before finding the balls to break it off.

 

 

To me... it's wrong regardless. One way has legal reproductions, but both ways show poor moral values. Also, many times, the break up is one sided, and if it's the person who caused the break-up to begin with... then it's probably evidence that they were already cheating.

 

 

 

 

Common... sure... but very wrong.

[Nicklb]

Looking back, my current ex is guilty of this. That’s even how I met her.

 

This is her constant cycle with men.

 

A. Get close. But act in ways to push Man away. (Overly jealous. Possessive )

 

B. Man requests some space. Or tries to talk to her about her actions.

 

C. She starts reaching out to others, during this time instead of fixing the relationship.

 

D. Starts relationship with new man, doesn’t tell ex anything and justifies it by saying “well he didn’t want me”

 

My recent ex was texting and flirting with me for 3 months while she was basically living with someone. I had no idea until much later. Now I feel she did the same to me.

[basil67]

Blind sided, where I live you need to be separated for a whole year before divorcing. When I separated, no way known was I going to put myself on hold for 12 months. I’d done enough of that while married.

 

As it so happens, I met my now partner of 27 years while separated. I do not lose sleep over this.

 

I also consider “a break” to be akin to a break up. If someone wants a break, they better be prepared that I may find someone better,

Edited August 23, 2019 by basil67

[Nicklb]

Blind sided, where I live you need to be separated for a whole year before divorcing. When I separated, no way known was I going to put myself on hold for 12 months. I’d done enough of that while married.

 

As it so happens, I met my now partner of 27 years while separated. I do not lose sleep over this.

 

I also consider “a break” to be akin to a break up. If someone wants a break, they better be prepared that I may find someone better,

 

I don’t really mean this. Where 2 people

Mutually separate.

 

I mean where one person, the “overlapper” secretly starts feelings out others near what THEY feel is the end of a relationship, without ever mentioning a break, or talking to others etc.

 

So for an example, if they reach out and someone else is receptive, they jump ship and blame the break up on you. If the other person is not receptive they stay in the relationship until they can find someone else.

[Melrose78]

Well that just happened to me. Pretty horrible and beyond wrong.

[elaine567]

Truth is most people looking to break up are doing so to be free to date others.

Some will cheat, some will line someone up, some will move swiftly on, sometimes very swiftly on, some will take years to move on...

Everyone is different and even the same person can do different things at the end of different relationships depending on the circumstances.

I would think some degree of overlap is fairly common, especially in younger people or where there is plentiful supply of potential lovers or where there is an "orbiter" or a coworker or friend, who quickly jumps in at any sign of trouble...

[smackie9]

It's very common (for cowards). It's nothing new, the human race has it's flaws.

 

 

 

My brother did it in his youth. He always had a GF back to back. I'm pretty sure he dumped his GF once he had a for sure thing waiting. Not cool, but this is how he rolled. Selfish.

 

 

 

Sometimes it just happens....boy or girl bored or unhappy with relationship, meets new coworker, they bond/date, spouse/partner gets dumped. I feel this is the most common scenario. Seen it happen many times at my job. Not limited to any age group.

 

 

 

We all know what monkey branching is....it's nothing new, someone finally put a name to it.

 

 

 

The only people that don't consider it cheating are the cheaters themselves. If sexual contact isn't involve, to them it's not cheating. But we all know emotional cheating can be worse. That is definitely when someone has totally stepped out, but they feel it's safe, and can excuse their way out of it.

[alphamale]

monkey branching has been going on since the caveman days. it's more common among good looking people cause they can find new partners very easily

[Nicklb]

 

 

 

The only people that don't consider it cheating are the cheaters themselves. If sexual contact isn't involve, to them it's not cheating. But we all know emotional cheating can be worse. That is definitely when someone has totally stepped out, but they feel it's safe, and can excuse their way out of it.

 

I also notice these are the types with several short relationships.

 

They never take time to fix or notice what went wrong once in the later stages of a relationship. So when they are with the new person, it is a totally different dynamic.

 

Attention. Fun. Dates. Until it gets to a certain point, and the same problems surface.

[mark clemson]

This is her constant cycle with men.

 

 

What you described might be a sign of "insecure attachment style" or some tendencies toward it. It can really ruin things for people in some cases. There also seems to be a strong tendency towards overlapping (aka monkeybranching) with her as you describe.

 

She's clearly not LTR material. Stay away.

[elaine567]

I also notice these are the types with several short relationships.

 

Not necessarily, plenty married people or those in long term relationships will "overlap" too.

Exit affairs are a real thing, especially for women seeking to replace their husband.

[The Outlaw]

It's probably more common than we that we think, but I'd just prefer a clean break and not have a SO seeing someone else behind my back if we're on a break. That's not cool for anyone in a relationship.

[Highndry]

I'll probably be excoriated for this, but I think it's predominantly a woman thing, especially in this day and age. They always have another guy lined up.

[smackie9]

Gosh that's like saying married men are more likely to cheat on their wives....proof on Ashley Ma%$#& site. Member stats: 14% women, 86% men.

[elaine567]

I'll probably be excoriated for this, but I think it's predominantly a woman thing, especially in this day and age. They always have another guy lined up.

 

He left me for another woman, he cheated on me with another woman...

Never happens????

[carhill]

How common is “overlapping”

How common is this? And why do some people not consider this “cheating”?

IME dating from the 70's through the end of the 90's in one demographic, very common. Most women, and many men, had new partners before divorcing, some before filing for divorce. I failed often due to that reality, in that by the time I verified someone was really single they already had a new boyfriend/lover/partner. Successful men didn't waste time with verification stuff, rather went after whoever they wanted. Caveat, men outnumbered women by 2-3% in the demographic.

 

'Cheating', if not waiting until divorced/split up to secure a new partner is such, was normal and most could care less about it. Do what they want, move on. Successful people focus on the now and the future. Yes, people disagree and some get hurt but that isn't relevant to their personal goals in life. That's reality. Life isn't a popularity contest and none of us get out of it alive. After my exW had her new requisite BF living with her before our divorce was final many years ago I decided I'd opt out and did. Haven't looked back.

[Nicklb]

I'll probably be excoriated for this, but I think it's predominantly a woman thing, especially in this day and age. They always have another guy lined up.

 

Based on my life experience, I would agree with this.

 

Of all the women I had started relationships with, or seeing, I would say almost all were near the end of a relationship with another guy. Most times I never even knew the other guy existed. I would sometimes find out months later.

 

As for me, if a girl broke up with me, or I broke up with her, I never started a relationship with someone else prior to breaking up. I would typically be single

For a while.

 

Not all cheating is overlapping.

[smackie9]

If that is true it's not women in general, it's the type you are choosing to have a relationship with. Yer picker is off.

[Nicklb]

If that is true it's not women in general, it's the type you are choosing to have a relationship with. Yer picker is off.

 

Maybe. Same for most of my friends as well.

 

Maybe there are women who initiate a break up, stay single for a few months, think of issues, and then change for the next relationship. I just haven’t seen it.

[The Outlaw]

Anybody can have somebody lined up. It isn't just women. Men do it also. But if I were seeing anyone and found out she had someone else other than me, I'd be out. I think the whole concept is a crock of you know what. I don't condone it, but too each their own.

[smackie9]

OK what would you say about a woman that had BFs that stayed in the relationship but had something on the side? That all guys are dbags? I doubt it.

 

 

BUT I do get your point of view because that is all you have seen/experienced. I have seen plenty of the opposite.

Edited August 25, 2019 by smackie9

[Watercolors]

Guys monkey branch as much as gals do. Starting a new fling or r/s with another person while still in a r/s is not just something women or something men do. Both genders do it.

 

I found a 2014 discussion in LS about monkeybranching aka rebounding in case anyone's interested.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/495387-rebounds

[elaine567]

Life is short.

Many when presented with a "golden opportunity" will want to take it, whether already attached or not.

I do feel too many stay in unfixable, dead end, miserable relationships, some even still at the dating stage...

Dating is about trying to find the best fit, so it seems a waste of time and effort to hang on in there, when it is obviously not working.

People in bad and unsuitable relationships will start looking around, and when doing that they often find something too good to miss, so they monkey branch onto the next...

 

A monkey branch is not equivalent to a rebound.

A monkey brancher is often completely done with the old relationship, so can move cleanly on.

A rebounder is usually still emotionally attached, but needs to find someone/anyone to make themselves feel better. Once they wake up and feel more normal, they dump the rebound.

[Nicklb]

Didn’t mean to make it a man or woman thing.

 

Yes. Men also leave women for another woman.

 

It’s just “easier” for a woman to phone a friend or ex and start having sex. Thus more common.

 

I also never met many women that admit they cheated. If they are mentally out of the relationship, to them, it is ok to see others without mentioning it.

Edited August 25, 2019 by Nicklb