The inevitable run in

[jackofmany]

So . . . this is just kind of so I don't do anything stupid.

 

My ex and I broke up four months ago or so, and for the first two and half months it was pretty hard not to try to reach out to her or reply to the last message she had sent me, but it got easier after that. Not easy, just easier.

 

I still missed her, a lot, on some occasions, but I was able to remember some of the bad times too, and how I was thinking we probably needed to break up even before she finally did it.

 

So anyway, all the usual stuff. I went into a depressed funk, but fought my way out of it finally. You know, went and bought some new clothes. Started taking Spanish classes. Started going on dates here and there.

 

I'm not in a committed relationship right now, but there is one person I have seen more than a few times over the last month, and we seem to be getting along alright.

 

Anyway, so last night I was sitting at the bar in a restaurant I like (which is actually where I met my ex, now that I think of it), texting with a friend about nonsense, when a text comes in that is just a link to a video of a kid break dancing.

 

It kind of made sense, since the friend I was texting sometimes sends me videos like that. I was a breakdancer back in the 1980's, and a lot of my friends know that, so they send me things like that now and then.

 

I was going to reply, but then I noticed it hadn't come from the friend I'd been texting, it was from my ex.

 

We haven't had any communication whatsoever for just about four months.

 

I know almost nothing about what she's done with herself since she took off. I know she was also dating, and a lot sooner than I was, but I know nothing else, and haven't wanted to find out.

 

I don't think I'm over her. I'm not sure I ever will be.

 

That doesn't mean I think we should be together. I just mean that unless something happens that causes her to no longer be so ridiculously attractive to me, there is no way we are going to be just friends.

 

So what's this all about? Why am I writing in here?

 

Mostly to not be writing anything back to her. It was a completely random and nearly meaningless text from her. Yes, I like breakdancing kids, and this kid was pretty phenomenal. I can imagine she might have seen it and known I would like it and figured enough time had gone by and just sent it, figuring what harm can come of it?

 

Maybe she'd been drinking. Who knows? Maybe it was intended for someone else, though I kind of doubt that.

 

I have to admit I am very tempted to write something back, even if it just to ask, "What is this?

 

But I'm not sure I want to open that door. I'm not sure she does either. I say that, of course, knowing that a certain part of me does want to open that door, or I wouldn't be writing in here.

 

I know that's not a lot to go on, but what does it sound like to you?

 

This is some of the backstory:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/682460-desperately-fighting-urge-reply

[jackofmany]

Anyone? I guess I'm just wondering what harm could come of replying or acknowledging. We live in a really small place, and yet somehow have managed to stay out of each other's hair. Maybe this is meant as a preemptive awkwardness killer?

[The Outlaw]

Just let it go for now. Like you said, it could have been by accident. Should she text you back, reply back but keep it simple.

[Highndry]

This is what is called a "breadcrumb," and the tiniest one at that. Merely sending a link is the lowest effort there is, really. If she wanted to engage, she would have asked a question or something. There's nothing there to respond to, so I'd definitely ignore it.

[jackofmany]

Merely sending a link is the lowest effort there is, really.

 

That's what I keep thinking. Thank god I didn't reply. I almost did.

[Reznar]

Depends on what you really want.

 

If she sent you that, it means that at that moment she was thinking about you and missed you, so she sent the link to talk to you. I'd say there are still some feelings left from her side. If she was completely moved on and didn't want you in her life, she wouldn't have sent the link.

 

Now, if you wanted her back you should definitely reply, and steer the conversation to a meetup. If not, then don't, but just remember that if you keep ignoring her, eventually she will stop texting you forever.

 

I strongly disagree with people ignoring their exes. If they were treating you badly in the relationship, or if they keep messaging you and trying to be friends when you didn't agree to it, or if you don't want them in your life anymore, then i would stop replying yes, so that they get the point. If you still want her back though, respond.

[jackofmany]

Depends on what you really want.

 

If she sent you that, it means that at that moment she was thinking about you and missed you, so she sent the link to talk to you. I'd say there are still some feelings left from her side. If she was completely moved on and didn't want you in her life, she wouldn't have sent the link.

 

Now, if you wanted her back you should definitely reply, and steer the conversation to a meetup. If not, then don't, but just remember that if you keep ignoring her, eventually she will stop texting you forever.

 

I strongly disagree with people ignoring their exes. If they were treating you badly in the relationship, or if they keep messaging you and trying to be friends when you didn't agree to it, or if you don't want them in your life anymore, then i would stop replying yes, so that they get the point. If you still want her back though, respond.

 

Well, this has occurred to me too, of course.

 

It's getting a little late to respond though, since it is now a day and a half since she sent it. And as HighandDry said, there's not much there to respond to. I'm going to assume it is not an accident that she sent it to me, though I guess it could be . . . unlikely though.

 

I'm still mulling it over. It I weren't I wouldn't have written in here.

[Reznar]

Well, this has occurred to me too, of course.

 

It's getting a little late to respond though, since it is now a day and a half since she sent it. And as HighandDry said, there's not much there to respond to. I'm going to assume it is not an accident that she sent it to me, though I guess it could be . . . unlikely though.

 

I'm still mulling it over. It I weren't I wouldn't have written in here.

 

It's definitely too late to respond now. Just hang back and wait for her to text again. It's not an accident, I can tell you that for sure.

[jackofmany]

It's definitely too late to respond now. Just hang back and wait for her to text again. It's not an accident, I can tell you that for sure.

 

Yeah . . . well, now I'm getting a little anxious that she won't try again, and I am tempted to reply. I still *might* say something, but . . . not sure how that would come off.

 

Man . . . part of it is just that I really had no idea what to say, and yesterday got busy.

 

Well . . . I suppose now I try to go back to not thinking about it.

[Reznar]

Just have faith that she will text once again. Heck, if she is one of those types that loves attention, you not responding might definitely make her contact you again in hopes of getting your attention. You will see. Hang back, enjoy yourself and you never know. Maybe if she has you on Instagram and watches your stories she might comment on one.

[jackofmany]

Just have faith that she will text once again. Heck, if she is one of those types that loves attention, you not responding might definitely make her contact you again in hopes of getting your attention. You will see. Hang back, enjoy yourself and you never know. Maybe if she has you on Instagram and watches your stories she might comment on one.

 

I leave it with this one question, and I appreciate your advice. How does responding now come off?

 

We are not on each others social media at all. The phone is the only contact.

[Reznar]

I leave it with this one question, and I appreciate your advice. How does responding now come off?

 

We are not on each others social media at all. The phone is the only contact.

 

Hmm, well how long has it been? A day and a half? I don't know. I personally would not respond. I guess you could pull off an "i've been extremely busy" type of a message as to why you haven't responded, but idk, she probably knows that you saw the message.

[schlumpy]

It all depends what your break up was like.

 

Was she running around on you? Did she just want something better. Was it mutually agreed upon? Did she tear your heart out?

 

You said you don't know what she's been doing. What if she's tired of the fast life and had a moment of yearning for some stability?

 

Too many questions to answer before taking the plunge.

 

I think her text message was to test the waters. See how bad the damage was and if she could once more draw you in.

 

Bite on this hook at your risk.

[DaddyDom]

If all she sent was a link and nothing else, I'd ignore it. I mean if she's too lazy to even type one sentence of set up like "Seeing this made me miss you." then I wouldn't take it seriously.

[elaine567]

She broke up with you, so I guess this is the "I miss you, let's be friends" type of communication, but it does seem to be a very teeny tiny breadcrumb....

 

As it was just a link you cannot really be certain it was even for you...

[soulforge]

Anyone? I guess I'm just wondering what harm could come of replying or acknowledging. We live in a really small place, and yet somehow have managed to stay out of each other's hair. Maybe this is meant as a preemptive awkwardness killer?

 

 

Your response should be nothing.. A video link is just breadcrumbs..

 

If you responsd to that, she will feel validated and then disapear again.

[jackofmany]

Okay . . . I'm trying to get my head together here.

 

It's coming up on five months since me and my ex gf broke up. We'd been heading that way for a while, but she's the one who did it.

 

It was unpleasant to say the least. No one flipped out on the other person or anything, but it really hit me hard. Like really hard.

 

But I white knuckled my way through it, and was a gracious as I suppose one can be when cutting contact with someone. It was all I could do not to throw myself at her feet and beg her to come back, but I do have some dignity. I was not going to do that and didn't.

 

And so . . . five months passed. She sent a breadcrumb like text maybe a week or so ago. I didn't reply.

 

Yeah, okay, so, what I came here to say and what I'm having a hard time saying is I ran into her last night. At a bar. It was the first time we had seen each other in person since the split.

 

I was not expecting to see her. I saw a friend of hers and was heading over to say hi to him when I realized she was standing next to him, holding his hand. There is nothing romantic to that. He is not attracted to women. They are just close.

 

If I had to guess, she was holding his hand because she saw me before I saw her and she was nervous. But there's really no way to tell. One way or another, she looked liked she needed support and he was providing it.

 

Once I walked over there was really nothing to do but engage. So I said, "How are you?" or something equally brilliant.

 

Then it's all pretty much a blur. We talked for a pretty long time. That wasn't my intention. We didn't talk relationship stuff, for the most part. In the moment, it was easy. Now, a day later, maybe not so much.

 

I don't think the girl is good for me. But the attraction I feel is pretty strong. The whole thing kind of spun my head around. I might be fooling myself, but it seemed like there was mutual attraction pretty quickly.

 

In the end though, we did wander back to our friend groups. I was going to say goodbye before I left the bar, but she was dancing with her friends and I decided just to go home as I'd been planning to do.

 

Here and there throughout the night, I noticed her kind of making her way to where I was, sort of like she was checking in, but we never re-engaged the way we did when we first started talking.

 

Today, I feel a tiny bit guilty about taking off without saying goodbye, and more than a little confused about my feelings for her.

 

A handful of things stand out to me:

 

1. She mentioned that she had gone to our favorite city with her best friends for her birthday recently. I made a joke about her going to some places we liked there without me. As she told the story, it became apparent that she pretty much retraced our route through the city and she joked that her friends got sick of hearing about how she and I had gone here or there or wherever.

 

2. I mentioned that I had considered going to the same city for my birthday (which is like two weeks after hers) but that I couldn't do it. I said it light-heartedly, but it was an open admission that the place reminded me too much of us.

 

3. She sings. A lot. There's this one song, "Shades of cool," by Lana Del Raye, which she always used to sing because she said it reminded her of me. At one point in the night, she was looking at me and singing it.

 

4. At the bar, when we were ordering drinks, I joked that she should buy me one. She doesn't usually have a lot of money, so it was kind of a tall order. I let it lie there, but when the drinks came, I bought them without mentioning it.

 

Neither of us asked anything nor disclosed anything about our relationship statuses, though I know she had been dating, and so have I.

 

In fact, it's only recently that I've started to think I could open up to a relationship again. I'm just barely there, but it's close. The thing that really has been preventing me is that I still think of this girl pretty much every day. It's become less of a desperate thing, but I still do. Every day.

 

So on the one hand, I'm glad I didn't completely fall apart when I saw her. i'm glad I stayed calm. On the other hand, I think maybe I stayed in the conversation too long, and I don't know how I ended up buying her a drink except that I still must have a thing for her.

 

I don't know. I hope I came off okay. I wonder if she is wondering how it all went. I wonder how it came off that I split without saying goodbye.

 

I shouldn't be asking myself these questions. But here I am. I know there is not a lot to go one there, and I guess if I were reacting to this I would tell myself, "It's over. Forget about it. You had a conversation and that's all. Be happy you escaped with your dignity and focus on moving forward."

 

But I overthink everything, for one thing. And haven't been able to shake the image of this girl for nearly five months of no contact. She left me. I have to remember that. By definition, she is alright with being split up. I'm sure she was glad the situation did not feel awkward.

 

On the other hand, I haven't heard from her since either. So maybe the waves close over this one, and maybe that's just as well.

 

But . . . man . . . does she have an effect on me.

 

Okay, end of rant . . . thanks for listening, if you're out there.

[jackofmany]

it may not seem like a lot to react to . . . but what would you guys think after an exchange like that?

[preraph]

If at any point she'd wanted to get back together, she knew how to find you. Be on your toes, because women like to be "just friends" with exes a lot more than men like to be nothing but friends with exes. Because you were so civilized, she may try that. It is not a door back, though. Just know that.

 

I'm sure she has some good memories from those times or she'd never have been with you. That doesn't equate to looking to reunite. She left for a reason. You were smart and left with your dignity intact. Nothing has changed that would make it work better this time, presumably, and unless she outright contacts you and says, "Would you be interested in talking about getting back together," that's not what this was. So don't initiate. No reason you should have said goodbye. You left while she was busy.

[jackofmany]

Yeah . . . I kind of wish I was a little more reserved, and I probably shouldn't have bought that drink.

 

At least I kept myself busy with other conversations afterwards.

 

And no, there is not a chance of me becoming friends with her. If she tries that I will tell her flat out that is not happening, though I will be nice about it.

 

Trying to be friends with her would only drive me insane. I'm just too attracted to her.

Edited August 23, 2019 by jackofmany

[Highndry]

She broke up with you. You were way too available when you ran into her. An "oh, hey" and then a quick departure was the correct way to handle it. Instead, you were like putty in her hands, acting sentimental about places you had been, buying her a drink, etc. Next time, don't be like that.

[jackofmany]

She broke up with you. You were way too available when you ran into her. An "oh, hey" and then a quick departure was the correct way to handle it. Instead, you were like putty in her hands, acting sentimental about places you had been, buying her a drink, etc. Next time, don't be like that.

 

Ugh.

 

I hate to admit it, but you are probably right.

 

For 5 months I didn't slip up once, not even in the immediate aftermath of breaking up, and then this.

 

It astonishes me that I bought her that drink. Generally, I'm pretty good at playing it cool. That night I was lousy at it.

 

If there's any consolation at all its that I could tell she was trying to reengage at points, but each time she did I happened to be busy talking to other people.

 

But that's small consolation to be honest. It's still bothering me, but there's nothing I can do to undo it.

 

To be honest, it bothers me that I am still thinking about it. But I am.

 

It bothers me that I still kind of want her back. But I do.

 

I shouldn't. But I do.

[mark clemson]

Given all the things you say, it seems like she missed you, possibly significantly. Clearly you miss her also.

 

I think you were in a fish or cut bait situation. Either attempt to use the contact and flirting (singing your song while looking at you, etc) as an opportunity to re-engage and re-start things or just go back to NC. By walking away at the end you de facto chose NC.

 

You probably weren't thinking clearly which is understandable since this was a surprise encounter and it sounds like you have limerence for this girl.

 

Be prepared and have a plan just in case this happens again. Know whether you would want to re-engage or not. I suspect that if you see her again she will not show interest. In that case walk away. IF she does though, then implement your decision - if you want NC, then be polite and find something else to do/walk away. If you want to re-engage then carry it through.

 

Assume that you won't see her again and get on with your life. IF you do and if she shows that she misses you, etc. then, IF you successfully re-engage her, insist on a relationship or nothing. No "friends" until much much later once you feel genuinely indifferent to her. Otherwise, as you seem to recognize, you will just keep yourself in a painful limbo and waste months pining for her when you could be getting on with life and a new R.

 

My two cents. You sound young and there's absolutely nothing wrong with walking away from this and finding someone new.

[nolanola]

I'm a woman and I don't think there is anything so bad about how you acted when you saw her. I get the idea behind NC and not responding to breadcrumbs and all that (you definitely did the right thing by not responding to the text), but I also think sometimes we should just respect what we feel. If you care about someone and miss them, that's not a crime. It's not like you shot someone. You showed care and concern for someone you had a relationship with and still care about. She misses you too - believe me, or she would not have mentioned the places you guys went. That might not mean she wants to get back together, but she still cares about you and misses you. Since it doesn't seem like she wants to get back together, do you think you can just take that knowledge (that she cares about you and misses you) and close that door? It doesn't mean you won't miss her or think about her, but you know you guys are on good terms. Who knows what might happen as time goes by - maybe you'll see her again after a year or something and things will be different. Or maybe you'll meet someone else that will be a better fit?

 

If she texts you again, I would be polite, but I think in general anything beyond "I want to get back together" or "I miss you" (or something similar) is just confusing and definitely seems like a breadcrumb to cushion her own feelings.

[preraph]

Yeah, don't worry that you did something wrong. It was a chance encounter so it was bound to be awkward. It could have been a lot more awkward, so put that behind you.