Husband has trust issues

[lawgirl79]

My husband and been married just over 2 years. Things were great and still are for the most part except... I have a new co worker that started about two months ago. My husband and I were joking and I said that everyone says that he was only hired because he was attractive. My husband asked me if he was an I said yes. I thought our relationship was strong enough and that he knew my feelings and love for him were concrete that I could answer that question honestly since I did not mean that I was sexualy attracted to this co worker. Also, my husband has never been jealeous before. I explained all of this to my husband but ever since he I answered his question about my coworker he gives me the third degree about what I am doing while at work and what I wear to work etc, if traffic was really bad and caused me to be a little late or why I am buying lunch. Recently he said that I have been acting differently, that I dont text him as much through out the day, which is not true.

 

 

Now my husband wants me to quit my job and find another one because he thinks I may cheat on him with this coworker. His emotions about this are consuming him and I dont know why. I have never given him a reason to think that I would cheat on him, I have never hidden anything from him, he could have access to anything I have if he wanted it. I am very hurt he does not trust me. I tell him that I dont want to quit my job. I have been there for 8 years, it pays great and I love it. He says that I am only sticking up for my job because of this new coworker.

 

What can I do? I fell like walking out on this marriage. I dont deserve this.

 

 

On a side note: my ex was cheated on in his prior relationship and I had an emotional affair in my prior marriage which my Husband knows about, by my ex was abusive. This is an entirely different relationship and I would never cheat on my husband and I dont want anyone else. I am very attracted to my husband, our sex life is great and when I am not working our relationship is great.

 

 

We do have counseling scheduled but it is not until the middle of September.

[mark clemson]

There are some possibilities other than just this somehow triggered deep-rooted insecurity. It's (remotely, but plausibly) possible he is cheating and taking a 'best defense is a good offense" approach and/or projecting feelings he has on to you. Not likely, but possible.

 

My main thought is to wait it out until you get to counseling where, hopefully, this can get resolved.

 

Don't be too bummed. Even really good marriages need "work" once in a while. Sounds like there was a hidden vein of insecurity that you unfortunately have struck upon.

[DKT3]

I dont think so Mark.

 

If I were a betting man I would bet that you have indeed been texting your husband less. Not necessarily because you are interested in the other guy but because your husband is giving you a hard time about the guy.

 

I'm concerned with your post. I'm concerned that you say I had an affair in my pervious marriage but.....there is no but. Had you done the work before there would be no but. This is much deeper than you are admitting. Again, I'm not necessarily talking about the work guy. Your marriage is in crisis and you are not taking it very seriously, you believe this is one sided jealousy, but I dont think you are helping much. You said alot more in that post then you may think.

[MetallicHue]

I dont think so Mark.

 

If I were a betting man I would bet that you have indeed been texting your husband less. Not necessarily because you are interested in the other guy but because your husband is giving you a hard time about the guy.

 

I'm concerned with your post. I'm concerned that you say I had an affair in my pervious marriage but.....there is no but. Had you done the work before there would be no but. This is much deeper than you are admitting. Again, I'm not necessarily talking about the work guy. Your marriage is in crisis and you are not taking it very seriously, you believe this is one sided jealousy, but I dont think you are helping much. You said alot more in that post then you may think.

 

I think you’re reading into things too much and the OP has done nothing wrong.

[IslandSanctuary]

I'm insecure with my partner sometimes - but I think it is only natural to be when you care about someone a great deal. A lot of relationships fail - and platonic friends largely contribute to this. To totally disregard this would be naive.

 

Now this guy at work is attractive - most people would think so what? I tend to agree with them. But in all honestly would you be 100% happy with your husband working closely with an attractive woman 5 days a week? It shouldn't be enough to make someone act up or change their behaviour towards you and he is definitely overreacting.

 

Your past emotional affair shows you are not above and beyond this sort of behaviour so because he cares and wants things to work this only feeds his insecurity.

 

A favourite quote of mine is "Sometimes monogamy doesn't mean resisting temptation - it means avoiding temptation."

Just because something falls outside the realms of sex doesn't mean it is something your partner is or should be happy about you doing. In this case he is being ridiculous - and you by no means should quit your job. It doesn't mean he doesn't trust you - he just doesn't like the situation. Even if he knew for sure it it would never progress into anything - which it almost certainly wouldn't - he doesn't like it how it is now.

 

His insecurity only stems from a place where he cares about you and would hate to lose you. He certainly needs to work on this and be made to see that his behaviour is harming your relationship - who you work with sometimes is out of your hands. If you started meeting up with this coworker regularily for drinks etc then he would have a right to express his feelings, but as it is he needs to deal with his insecurity.

 

It's hard to be 100% about anything on here though - I don't know you, I don't know what your boundaries with men are, I don't know the work environment and I dont know the state of your relationship and your history. But his problems with this are definitely down the overreacting end of the scale.

 

"Everything is on a spectrum - even platonic friendships"

Edited August 23, 2019 by IslandSanctuary

[Mr. Lucky]

I have never given him a reason to think that I would cheat on him

 

my husband has never been jealeous before.

 

Both of these things can't be true given your description. Which one applies now?

 

Mr. Lucky

[MetallicHue]

Your past emotional affair shows you are not above and beyond this sort of behaviour so because he cares and wants things to work this only feeds his insecurity.

 

 

I think you are missing context. This was when prior SO was abusive. I don’t think prior behavior was completely unreasonable given the circumstances. It does not suggest a propensity to cheat.

[basil67]

Well of course you're acting differently - I would too if my husband was acting this way.

 

Have you told him that you feel like leaving and that you don't deserve to be treated like this?

[basil67]

Both of these things can't be true given your description. Which one applies now?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

They can both be true if the jealousy is triggered from something benign.

[IslandSanctuary]

I think you are missing context. This was when prior SO was abusive. I don’t think prior behavior was completely unreasonable given the circumstances. It does not suggest a propensity to cheat.

 

 

I'm not saying he is being reasonable - but obviously he is insecure. Too insecure given the circumstances. This does not help his insecurity. Sure it is his issue.

[Mr. Lucky]

They can both be true if the jealousy is triggered from something benign.

 

Like an offhand comment someone was attractive? Hard to believe that alone would trigger someone to go to such lengths (quit her job?) if they'd never been jealous before...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DKT3]

I think you’re reading into things too much and the OP has done nothing wrong.

 

I don't think so. She has a posting history, and tends to not accept responsibility for how people react to her behavior. Every thing is always someone else's fault. As she mentioned she had an affair in her first marriage but couldn't understand why her husband was distant. She blamed it on him possibly having an affair. There is a pattern.

[IslandSanctuary]

Saying he has never been jealous before and now this.......Definitely seems like something is up and we aren't hearing the whole story.

[Inspire]

Now is not the time to double down. It's time to empathize and reinforce just how much you love him. You've said "you've never given him a reason to think you would cheat on him" and that may be so, BUT also realize you both may interpret things a little differently and the things you are doing/have been doing has now made him start to question that trust.

 

There is a reason we conduct ourselves a certain way with people outside of our relationship. Trust and respect can be one and the same so doing things that are disrespectful to your partner can no doubt lead to trust issues.

[preraph]

i think you should stand your ground and walk out of the marriage if necessary. This is his problem, his insecurity. You've done nothing wrong. Tell him he either goes to a therapist (or do couples therapy if he insists) or you're leaving because you don't look forward to 30 years of his out of control insecurity and aren't jeapardizing your career on something baseless. Men. Jeez. Once they get the idea in their head. And remember, the ones who are this nuts about it are projecting their own thoughts. So what he's basically saying is that if there was an attractive woman at his work, he would cheat with her if he could. That's how his mind works, so he thinks that's how everyone else's, including yours, works. So he's a high risk for cheating on you at some point anyway.

[Beendaredonedat]

I think leaving him over this is a tad over-the-top but I (if it were me) would set him straight once and for all that you have zero designs on this guy and that you don't want to discuss him or anything else about leaving your job again because you won't be doing anything of the sort. If HE wants to leave because you won't salve his insecurity, then let him sever the relationship. My gut tells me he'll do no such thing and the boundary will help to get him out of his own head.

[mark clemson]

And remember, the ones who are this nuts about it are projecting their own thoughts. So what he's basically saying is that if there was an attractive woman at his work, he would cheat with her if he could. That's how his mind works, so he thinks that's how everyone else's, including yours, works. So he's a high risk for cheating on you at some point anyway.

 

Agree this is a possibility here. Low probability IMO, but possible. I believe there are men who have gnawing insecurities even though they themselves would never cheat, too though.

[DKT3]

If not for the history, I might agree. OP has been unfaithful in the past and her husband has been cheated on. One should recognize that this isn't going to be a smooth process.

 

Her saying that he has never been jealous in the past is a strong indicator that she has in fact changed her behavior. It's easy to sit back and blame others for reacting to our behaviors but maybe we should look at the behavior.

[preraph]

Well, there's nothing about her cheating in this thread, but if she has been caught cheating in the past, then he's entitled to have a strong reaction to anything and everything. I didn't go back and read her earlier threads.

 

If you cheated before, you should have better sense than to talk about attractive guys at work, at minimum.

[BaileyB]

On a side note: my ex was cheated on in his prior relationship and I had an emotional affair in my prior marriage which my Husband knows about.

 

First post. It sets the scene... It would seem that issues with trust and infidelity follow both partners to this marriage...

 

For what it’s worth, I still don’t believe that you have necessarily done anything wrong OP. But, you have clearly touched a nerve for your husband and you could have been more aware/more considerate.

[usa1ah]

Where does one start.

 

You know he was cheated on in both of his previous relationships.

 

He is going to see signs of you cheating just because he has been there.

 

He needs some serious counseling to get over what had happened to him.

 

It’s nothing you have done, he is just damaged still from his ex’s.

[Poutrew]

It took more than you talking about a sexy new co-worker to set your husband off like a bomb. He probably already noticed subtle changes in your behavior before you brought up the new guy, changes in behavior that he saw in his cheating ex. Now you talking about how sexy the new guy is brought it all into focus for him. The 2 ton monster of your common past is now out of the linen closet and you want to … run away. Leave the marriage over what should be no more than a speed bump on the road of life. And, he would deserve it too, wouldn't he? I mean, suppose he came home talking about the stacked blond the boss just hired at work, and how all the guys eyes are locked on the huge hooters and those legs... and you would have NO PROBLEM with any of that...right? So my advice, in keeping with the ironic nature of your problem, is to go ahead and leave your husband over this. And, I'd bet you a nice shiny quarter that within a year of your leaving him, you will be the new guy's side piece.

[Mrs._December]

Like an offhand comment someone was attractive? Hard to believe that alone would trigger someone to go to such lengths (quit her job?) if they'd never been jealous before...

 

Mr. Lucky

I agree 100%.

 

Is this guy so insecure that the OP can never be 'allowed' to say ANYONE is attractive ever again in order to cater to his paranoia? So she has to get a new job to make HIM feel better? What if she mentions that the guy at the local deli looks like Ryan Gosling? Would that mean she has to start using the deli in the next town over in order to placate him? What if her husband asks her what she thinks of the new neighbors down the street and the OP tells him they're both very attractive? Does that mean they have to pack up and move to another neighborhood?

 

Because that's the type of paranoia she's dealing with.

 

I'd walk out on him too if I had to live like that.

[Mrs._December]

It took more than you talking about a sexy new co-worker to set your husband off like a bomb. He probably already noticed subtle changes in your behavior before you brought up the new guy, changes in behavior that he saw in his cheating ex. Now you talking about how sexy the new guy is brought it all into focus for him.

I re-read the OP's initial post twice and couldn't find anything even remotely close to what you describe in the quote above.

 

The OP clearly stated that they were chatting and just joking around and she told her husband that their newest employee was rumored to have been hired because of his looks. That's HARDLY her talking about how 'sexy' the new guy is - all she did was tell him a rumor going around work that they he was hired for his looks. Hardly a travesty! And when he asked if the guy was good looking she said "yes, he is." BIG DEAL. Was she supposed to lie and say "no, he's ugly as sin dipped in ****, so I don't understand why everyone in the office - except ME - thinks he got hired for his looks." What is this, Sophomore year in high school? She's an adult and should be entitled to her opinion just like the rest of the free-thinking world.

 

I mean, suppose he came home talking about the stacked blond the boss just hired at work, and how all the guys eyes are locked on the huge hooters and those legs... and you would have NO PROBLEM with any of that...right?

Did you actually READ the initial post in this thread? She wasn't saying ANY of that! All she said was the guy probably got hired for his looks and agreed that he was good looking. Big deal! That's not even close to your example. She didn't go on and on about how everyone wants to get with him, and how all the girls are slobbering over his fantastic physique and 6-pack, and what a great butt he has and how all the girls are so mesmerized by him that they stare at him and on and on. She said NONE of that.

 

We must be reading two different posts.

[DKT3]

When you're a known thief and things around you start to come up missing, you will be the suspect.

 

There is a history of poor boundaries on her part, and her admitting that he isnt a jealous person kinda discounts the psycho paranoid guy that the pervious two posts claim him to be.