Blind-Sided Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 Hi All, Over the last few months, as my marriage has ended... there have been a bunch of friends who have helped me keep focused, and just allowed me to vent as needed. And the funny thing is... several of these friends have told me that they are also having issues. One has even had a PA... and another has had an EA. (Would have never seen that with these two women) Anyway... this is for my friend that had the EA. She has a marriage that would have been over if she didn't have kids. Her husband is a good guy, and my friend. But he is truly a "Man Child." He does the minimums around the house, and likes his videogames. She has told him over and over what she needs, and spells it all out for him, but then it doesn't get done. For example, last week there was an event local, and she wanted a date night. She went to him, and said... "I want to go to xxx for dinner, and a nice date night. Can you arrange that for us." (so literally point blank) Well... when it was time for the event... he got mad and gave her excuses about not being able to find a babysitter. I know this is only one side of the story... but I know the often do not sleep in the same beds, and she hasn't had her rings on for several years. SO, it's not like my marriage ending, where I had no idea that my ex was unhappy. So here's the problem. She has a person who she works with, and she has developed a full blown relationship with him... mentally. They were going out almost every weekend to get dinner, and have drinks. She told me that she needed some "Grown-up" time since her husband never wanted to do it. Oh... she was doing this with her husband fully aware that she needed to go out. So... this is not hidden at all. I've actually asked him about it, because I felt guilty taking his wife's time with my problems... and didn't want him to worry about me. The problem now is, her EA partner has... for no reason she can see... basically turned on her, and doesn't want to do anything. We are trying to figure out if he is seeing someone now, or if he's just an ass. In my talks with her, I have mentioned that she is married, and should just walk away, and blow him off. The deeper issue is, she is a little overweight, and now it's turned into a self-esteem issue. As you can see, I'm trying to address 3 issues with her at once. 1) Self image 2) Break up of EA 3) Failing marriage. I know she has said that there was never anything physical with this guy... but I'm not 100% sure. She seems way too attached. If it was truly just a friendship to get out of the house... now that i'm single... I have told her that I am available to go get dinner any time. And since our kids get along, and have known each other for a long time... it can even be a family outing. But... I can tell it's not the same to her. Anyway... any advice would be helpful. She helped me though the toughest days of my life... and I want to help her. (short of telling her to leave her husband. LOL) Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 Your involvement in her marital problem is inappropriate. Tell her to get marriage counseling. If her husband refuses counseling then tell her to get individual counseling. You're trying to figure out if her affair partner is seeing someone else? Seriously? Why in the world do you care what her affair partner is doing? Your friend lacks healthy boundaries and mature coping skills. Rather than addressing the problems in her marriage she seeks attention from other men. She has her affair partner and she has you in addition to her husband. Sounds like someone who needs a lot of attention and validation from men which isn't healthy and you are participating. I'm sure her husband has his faults but keep in mind that cheaters always magnify their spouse's shortcomings while they minimize their own flaws in order to justify their actions. If her husband is your friend then you are betraying him by listening to his wife badmouth him. Your female friend is doing nothing to address her actual problems. Having affairs and criticizing her husband to various men does nothing to actually fix her problems. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MetallicHue Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 The marriage should be over. It’s obvious that both spouse and husband have checked out of the marriage willingly. As a son of parents who split up you should absolutely not stay married for the kids. It promotes a bad example for them of unhealthy relationships. Also agree this isn’t your problem to solve. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blind-Sided Posted August 24, 2019 Author Share Posted August 24, 2019 Anika99: OK... Just WOW. This is the OW/OM section... so we don't judge on those points here. Also, I've known both of them (husband and wife) for over 13 years, so I know the story from both ends as far as the marriage is concerned. I've played games, and gone fishing with him... and I used to work with her. I've been to their kids parties, and they to mine. Also you have made some HUGE assumptions here. No, she is not the person who needs validation from men... she was simply looking for some "Grown-up" time, and her husband wasn't addressing that. I approached her when I was having issues because I needed help. (not the other way around) I also understand that she should go to a professional, and that mentally, her marriage is really over... BUT... I'm trying to give her some guidance. And the reason I'm trying to do that... IS TO SAVE HER MARRIAGE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (since the outside influence to my ex was evil) I agree she has some boundary issues... but sometimes stuff happens. and we can change the past. With that said... please help if you can, on the points asked. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blind-Sided Posted August 24, 2019 Author Share Posted August 24, 2019 The marriage should be over. It’s obvious that both spouse and husband have checked out of the marriage willingly................. I agree. But she really doesn't want to talk about that with me... and I don't want to be the spark in that conversation. An honestly... this was I point her and I talked about long ago, as He cheated on her years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 Your status has changed, you are no longer good old Blindsided married to "Brenda" who everyone has known for years, you are now a single guy sniffing around a married woman... Your friend's wife no less... Your "help" is thus inappropriate. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 [quote=BliHer husband is a good guy, and my friend. I know this is only one side of the story... but I know the often do not sleep in the same beds, and she hasn't had her rings on for several years. SO, it's not like my marriage ending, where I had no idea that my ex was unhappy. ..... So... this is not hidden at all. I've actually asked him about it, because I felt guilty taking his wife's time with my problems... and didn't want him to worry about me. The problem now is, her EA partner has... for no reason she can see... basically turned on her, and doesn't want to do anything. We are trying to figure out if he is seeing someone now, or if he's just an ass. ... Anyway... any advice would be helpful. She helped me though the toughest days of my life... and I want to help her. (short of telling her to leave her husband. LOL)/QUOTE] Several things, the husband may be your friend but you are certainly not his! You are actively encouraging this MW in an affair, EA or PA makes no difference. You've even cleared it with him that he knows she likes going out with friends at the weekends while he's got the kids (you know the ones you barely mention). I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt because it sounds like you were giving her alibis to use while she went off to see her OM. I have real trouble with the cutsey lol at the end of the 'not telling her to leave her husband'. How about being a stand up man to this good guy and friend and telling him about his wife's cheating? That would be friendship. As for your MW friend, a good friend wouldn't support her in lies and deceit but no-one can make her stop until she either wants to or hits rock bottom. You need to do hard work on your boundaries. You've inserted yourself into someone's marriage, someone you've the cheek to call a friend while you're actively covering up their WW's affair and worse trying to figure out how to that affair back upand running! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 I've known both of them (husband and wife) for over 13 years, so I know the story from both ends as far as the marriage is concerned. It’s still very inappropriate for you to involve yourself in their marriage... even more inappropriate for you to concern yourself with her affair. If you want to be helpful, and I believe that you genuinely do, refer them to a marriage counsellor. Or, make your friend aware of what his wife is doing so that they can have an honest discussion about their marriage. If you are friends with both partners, it’s not very respectful to the husband to keep a secret like this, or to enable this woman in her affair... Healthy boundaries are not only important in marriages, but also friendships. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 Your status has changed, you are no longer good old Blindsided married to "Brenda" who everyone has known for years, you are now a single guy sniffing around a married woman... Your friend's wife no less... Your "help" is thus inappropriate. This is how EA’s get started... she comes to you for counsel and support, you offer that support, and... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 @Blind-sided sorry but you have no business interfering in your friend's marriage. It's super inappropriate for you to even be talking to the wife and the husband separately about their marriage problems. Why did you even open up this can of worms with your friend's marriage like that? Because you are still upset about the demise of your own marriage and you conflated your depression with your own marriage's problems with your friend's marriage problems. Leave these two people alone. It's like you walked into a clean room, threw some clothes and furniture around, then walked out of the room pretending you didn't just mess it up. Link to post Share on other sites
gettinoverit Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 Before I can give an answer: do you have the hots for this woman? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blind-Sided Posted August 24, 2019 Author Share Posted August 24, 2019 Your status has changed, you are no longer good old Blindsided married to "Brenda" who everyone has known for years, you are now a single guy sniffing around a married woman... Your friend's wife no less... Your "help" is thus inappropriate. I guess I can understand that. But I don't agree since I'm not trying to "Hook up" with her, and I don't believe she feels that way about me. I'm not trying to cover up anything... or hide anything. They both know about each others... Partners? (is that the right term?) His was P her's was E. And I agree, it should probably just be ended... but I'm not the one to say that. Also... as I recall... they have be to MC already, but things never changed. I don't know... I guess there's no right answer here. I'm not going to stop being both of their fiends just because I'm single now. and since this is an old friendship... I'm going to listen when she or he asks me a question. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 This is how EA’s get started... she comes to you for counsel and support, you offer that support, and... Exactly. and not only an EA... She hurt and upset, the damsel in distress, Blindsided reeling from his divorce, the knight in shining armour, find each other one night... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blind-Sided Posted August 24, 2019 Author Share Posted August 24, 2019 Before I can give an answer: do you have the hots for this woman? Not at all. Period. I also have the moral stance that cheating is on the same level as killing someone. So... I can't be the OM. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 Not at all. Period. I also have the moral stance that cheating is on the same level as killing someone. So... I can't be the OM. Yet, here you are, conflating your situation with your friend's situation and pretending you haven't done anything at all to mess up their marriage even moreso. Why not just see a marriage counselor for yourself. Let your friends sort out their marriage by themselves. You lit the match, and now claim you didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 (edited) I would distance myself from this situation as much as possible. Edited August 24, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blind-Sided Posted August 24, 2019 Author Share Posted August 24, 2019 Yet, here you are, conflating your situation with your friend's situation and pretending you haven't done anything at all to mess up their marriage even moreso. Why not just see a marriage counselor for yourself. Let your friends sort out their marriage by themselves. You lit the match, and now claim you didn't. What the heck are you talking about? I have nothing to do with their proble...... OK... I guess this has gotten so off topic, just needs shut down. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 With that said... please help if you can, on the points asked. That's the thing. One can't look at a facet of her marriage in isolation. It doesn't work that way. The fact that she thinks she can is very telling and says a lot about her marriage and how she has addressed the issues in it. She may be your friend, but if you want her to stay that way, I would keep my nose out. Gently suggest to her that a marriage counselor would be far more appropriate, as they have the skill and expertise needed, and they also be able to offer objectivity and impartiality, which you can't-they are friends. Unless, of course, you are hoping her wandering eye turns your way, but I'm not getting that vibe from you. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 For that it's worth, I don't see you as a toxic inteference in their marriage. You have history with them. You certainly can't address her overweight issue. That's strictly up to her. I'm sure she can put two and two together and realize that if she splits from her husband, she will likely not get the male attention she did when she was younger. No one does. So one factor to consider is how needy is she to have a partner? Sounds like she's pretty needy and has accepted this useless manchild rather than be alone. If she isn't an independent sort, then she has made that decision because she doesn't want to be alone. I agree no one should stay married to someone who won't share the household chores and share their life beyond the couch, but she's the only one who knows how independent or capable of making a living she is. And if she leaves him, chances are she will be on her own for some time and maybe forever unless she has a really vibrant personality. Don't know why the guy she was going and doing things with took off. He probably realized she had a thing for him. Or maybe he got tired of her complaining about her life and doing nothing about it. If she comes to you complaining, then as a friend you can certainly offer your opinion and ask follow-up questions such as, If you left your husband, would you be okay on your own? And see if she's thought about that. You can also tell her that "staying for the kids" is poor reasoning, because it is miserable for kids to grow up in a discordant dysfunctional household and everything she puts up with is teaching her daughter and son what to put up with. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 Not at all. Period. I also have the moral stance that cheating is on the same level as killing someone. So... I can't be the OM. You have no moral highground in this particular situation, what you're doing is the equivalent to being an Accessory to Murder. You may not be the OM but you have no trouble facilitating the act of cheating because this woman is your friend. You found out your ex had an OM around the time your divorce became final, correct? How would you feel if you found out one of your friends but only knew but was covering for her? Was trying to figure out where the affair went wrong so she could get her AP back. Again, please stop calling the husband your friend, in this instance you are the embodiment of the saying with friends like these, who need enemies.... Link to post Share on other sites
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