Why don't I "like" anyone?

[Inflikted]

Some of you are very familiar with my social disorders, my inability to date and extremely limited ability to be a social person. I am very introverted and reserved, but something I've been thinking about lately is that I just don't really "like" anyone. And I'm not even just talking about for the sake of dating, I mean in general, for friendship, or whatever. That's not to say I dislike people; I just feel very "neutral" and not very interested in 99.9% of the people I've met in my life.

 

I'm friends with a couple now, and I really like them both quite a lot, but honestly, out of the hundreds of people I've met over my 30 years, through work, through schooling, etc., I could probably count the number of people I actually "liked" on one hand. And among those, my current two friends are the only ones that ever seemed to reciprocate that feeling.

 

Like, for example, over the last several months, I've met a number of my friends' friends, and they're okay, and I don't mind them in a group setting, but I don't particularly "like" any of them enough to want to get closer to them. Or, I keep in touch with another guy I used to work with, and I could explore a friendship with him and his friends, but I feel pretty "neutral" and "apathetic" about him and his buddies, especially knowing that mine and their interests don't align super well.

 

People here keep telling me I need to get out more and meet more people and socialize more, and while I don't necessarily disagree, I wonder, how am I supposed to do that when I'm just not really interested in most people? To be honest, thinking about it, I don't know that I'm "scared" or "nervous" about trying to be more social, I just feel like I don't "care" enough, on an individual level. I don't really WANT to feel that way. I WANT to "like" people. I want to surround myself with people I actually enjoy being around, and feel excited about, and care about. But thus far, I've only been able to find two people I share a mutual "liking" with.

[basil67]

It’s simply part of your social disorder. Is this something youve discussed in therapy?

[Inflikted]

It’s simply part of your social disorder. Is this something youve discussed in therapy?

 

Nah. But, I mean... it's not like I NEVER "like" anyone. I've "liked" people. I currently have a couple people I "like". So, it CAN happen. It just generally doesn't. What, exactly, is different about the people I do "like", that I don't see in other people? Because I can't really understand the difference.

[CLS63AMG]

You're probably just bored of dating. I get like that too. I think the best thing is meet a few women, then hang it up if it doesn't go anywhere. because after that they're all just going to be a number.

 

 

The only actual relationships I've had from dating were the 1st or 1-3 ones I met after a layoff. After that it becomes a chore and nobody cares.

[Inflikted]

You're probably just bored of dating. I get like that too. I think the best thing is meet a few women, then hang it up if it doesn't go anywhere. because after that they're all just going to be a number.

 

 

The only actual relationships I've had from dating were the 1st or 1-3 ones I met after a layoff. After that it becomes a chore and nobody cares.

 

Well, I've never actually dated, at all. I almost never have a sense of interest in people, and of the few that I have, the only ones to reciprocate have been my two current friends.

[basil67]

What, exactly, is different about the people I do "like", that I don't see in other people? Because I can't really understand the difference.

 

As we can't see the friendships in action, I assume this is a rhetorical question. To back to my previous question: have you talked about this in therapy?

[Inflikted]

As we can't see the friendships in action, I assume this is a rhetorical question. To back to my previous question: have you talked about this in therapy?

 

I have not, no. Generally speaking, I feel like I'm in a "better place" mentally, than I used to be, and I'd kinda prefer to try to figure my stuff out on my own, rather than using money (that I'm trying to save up) on therapy.

[Lotsgoingon]

I have not, no. Generally speaking, I feel like I'm in a "better place" mentally, than I used to be, and I'd kinda prefer to try to figure my stuff out on my own, rather than using money (that I'm trying to save up) on therapy.

 

The problem is ... it is almost impossible to figure out a dynamic like this on your own. If you could, you would have come up with a solution years ago ... Or you would be able to identify what makes friendship work with these two people ... that doesn't work with others.

 

A therapist (a really good one) can help you identify what's going. These people might have a particular kind of warmth ... or a particular humor ... or something about them creates a sense that they are cool with you being you ... there are other people who could be friends with you ... but something about their energy doesn't allow you to get going past a first impression.

 

Frankly, we don't know what people are like based on one meeting. I have a close friend coming to visit me soon ... I didn't like her when I first met her ...

[Inflikted]

there are other people who could be friends with you ... but something about their energy doesn't allow you to get going past a first impression.

 

Frankly, we don't know what people are like based on one meeting. I have a close friend coming to visit me soon ... I didn't like her when I first met her ...

 

Yeah, it's just hard to find the desire to "mingle" with people when I don't feel like I actually care.

 

And honestly, that "neutral" feeling is something I feel even about people I interest with regularly. Coworkers, old classmates, etc.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I actually get this. I much prefer group settings because I don't like anyone enough to spend 1-1 time with them and get closer. This is with friendship not with dating (although it's kind of similar).

[Inflikted]

I actually get this. I much prefer group settings because I don't like anyone enough to spend 1-1 time with them and get closer. This is with friendship not with dating (although it's kind of similar).

 

Yeah, it's often like that for me both ways.

 

To be honest, I never really understand how people "pick out" who they want to approach and meet and try to get closer to (whether for friendship or dating). To me, I just look around and... don't really care enough to think "THAT person over there!".

[somanymistakes]

While I don't go for the huge long list of labels modern tumblr teens use to describe everything, it is a solid fact that PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT.

 

Some people fall in love really easily. Some people, only a few times in their lives. Some people, never.

 

Some people can look at an individual at first glance and size them up as far as how attractive they are. Some people absolutely cannot - they can only decide if they are attracted to someone after they know them well!

 

This doesn't make you broken. It just makes you different.

 

Different is only bad if it's causing you problems (and try not to let 'worrying about being different' be the problem).

 

I personally am NEVER going to be the sort of person who enjoys loud drunken parties or nightclubs and dancing. Forcing myself to "get out there" and try those same things over and over again is not going to make me like them any more. It's not going to make me any more social in those particular ways. Those ways do not suit ME.

 

That doesn't mean I don't like people at all, but I need to use different ways to interact.

 

If you want more friends and don't currently have them, then you can try different things to see if those ways work for you. Meetups for people with similar interests might be a start.

[pepperbird]

op,

I understand how you feel, and to be honest, I don't see it as a bad thing. My brother and I are exact opposites-he loves meeting new people and finds it energizing. I find it incredibly tiring. He has a ton of "friends", but I have a couple of really close ones and that's it.

 

Add to this that I suck at small talk, have little to no patience for "flightiness" and am terrible at feigning interest in sports, movies or current fads and trends.

[Inflikted]

This doesn't make you broken. It just makes you different.

 

Different is only bad if it's causing you problems (and try not to let 'worrying about being different' be the problem).

 

Heh, yeah... I mean, sometimes I do wish I were more "normal". While everyone certainly has their own tastes and likes/ dislikes, it seems like most "normal" people are more socially inclined. It's not typically such a challenge for people to meet and connect with others, and have friendships and relationships in their lives. I really wish I knew what it were like to be that way, but I really don't think I'm wired like that.

 

Like... I mean, any initial "relationship", whether it's friendship or "romantic", has to start with two people meeting and clicking, yeah? One of those two people has to initiate that, and there's usually some reason that the initiator is drawn to the other person, right? That's just how it works. But if I'm not generally drawn to most of the people around me, and don't have a high interest in just meeting anyone and everyone "just because", how am I actually supposed to initiate those meetings? It would seem I've stuck myself in an "impossible" situation.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm very picky about who I like. I genuinely enjoy my own company over small talk with most people. I know I'm a bit "different", and increasingly I'm ok with it. In the past I gave myself a hard time about it, forced myself to socialize in ways that, looking back, were tedious and did me no good.

[spiderowl]

I'm an introvert too, Inflikted, so I understand where you are coming from.

 

Just out of curiosity, have you ever done the Myers-Briggs personality test? I'm curious as to what you would come out as. I think there is a free test online somewhere but there are tests where they want payment too. Anyway, just a thought and you've probably done this already.

 

What are you interests? The best way to connect with people is usually through mutual interests, then at least you have that in common. It also gives you some time to get to know each other. People are often more interesting once you get past the 'small talk' stage. Most of us put on a 'front' - a public facade - which is often more perfect and apparently competent than we feel we really are. Until you get to know someone well, they are unlikely to reveal their more vulnerable self to you. It is possible that you are only seeing the superficial side of people because you are not bothering to go further. It does help if you have something in common with someone though.

 

I am wondering if some kind of depression is involved here. Depression can make people feel that some things are not worth doing because the reward part of the brain is just not working as well as it should (hence the interactions do not feel rewarding). I am not a scientist and could not go into the pharmacology of all this but you might find it helpful to do some research?

 

You seem to have defined yourself as someone who cannot build relationships or find people they like or date. Has it occurred to you that these could be entirely false assumptions and that you are practically brainwashing yourself to believe this is fixed forever? Socialising can be difficult for introverts, but it is possible to find ways and means to gain some satisfaction from social interaction. Following your interests is a good way to start to gain a small circle of friends who at least understand your passions.

[Inflikted]

I'm an introvert too, Inflikted, so I understand where you are coming from.

 

Just out of curiosity, have you ever done the Myers-Briggs personality test?

 

Yeah, I've done it before, I know I'm rated as an introvert, but I don't remember the rest.

 

What are you interests? The best way to connect with people is usually through mutual interests, then at least you have that in common. It also gives you some time to get to know each other. People are often more interesting once you get past the 'small talk' stage. Most of us put on a 'front' - a public facade

 

Unfortunately, the things I tend to develop interests in are things that aren't super conducive to social interaction. I find that most people I've tried to get to know generally aren't that interested in my interests, or if they are, we don't really see eye to eye on them.

 

I do hate "chit chat" and "small talk", mostly because I just don't care. If someone in passing says something "chit chatty" to me, like "Nice weather, yeah?", I usually just curtly agree and go back to minding my own business, because I just don't care. And if I don't care, I don't know how to force myself to try to do it with other people.

 

I am wondering if some kind of depression is involved here.

 

I've never been diagnosed, but I think if anything, I have "situational" depression. Or had? I don't know. Admittedly, I exhibited a lot of the symptoms for much of my life, but I've had some good changes in my life over the last several months, and generally speaking, I feel like I'm in a better place mentally than I was for much of my life.

 

You seem to have defined yourself as someone who cannot build relationships or find people they like or date. Has it occurred to you that these could be entirely false assumptions and that you are practically brainwashing yourself to believe this is fixed forever? Socialising can be difficult for introverts, but it is possible to find ways and means to gain some satisfaction from social interaction. Following your interests is a good way to start to gain a small circle of friends who at least understand your passions.

 

Yeah, it often boggles my mind, because I've seen plenty of instances where less socially inclined people still date and have friends, and I don't really get how they do it and why I can't.

 

I quite like my cozy small social circle, but I suspect I may lose my two good friends within the next year or two, and I don't really have a "back up plan", because I can't really connect with people. It's stressful, because I really don't want to go back to being alone again, but I can't seem to figure out how to get myself out there and forging more relationships with people.

[Foxhall]

a good side to it is if you dont particularly like people, then you are less likely to become overly dependent on people which can be a different problem.

 

I am a little similar actually- Id put it even that few people bring out the best in me- I dont really gel with the majority of people that I meet,(might be a bit hard on myself there but I do get that feeling sometimes!)

 

I will be social and reasonably engaging I think with them but yes I would not be feeling the need to get over friendly with them,

 

Id say it is best to focus on an activity that you enjoy- in my case I enjoy activities like squash and golf and I am focusing on enjoying the activity really- I may perhaps meet the odd person or two along the way that I become friends with but I am going to enjoy the game more so than meet the people.

Edited August 26, 2019 by Foxhall

[basil67]

Those people who aren’t socially inclined can connect and have relationships because they can chit chat. They can talk about things which aren’t related to their hobbies or personal interests.

[Inflikted]

a good side to it is if you dont particularly like people, then you are less likely to become overly dependent on people which can be a different problem.

 

Eeh, I think that's kinda the opposite for me, actually. Typically, when I do "like" people, I get very attached, because of how infrequent that is for me. Heck, I've been told here that I'm "too attached" to my current friends.

 

Those people who aren’t socially inclined can connect and have relationships because they can chit chat. They can talk about things which aren’t related to their hobbies or personal interests.

 

Ah. :/

 

I mean, I wish I could be like that. But heck, I tried to learn for 10+ years when I worked in customer service, and I could never catch on, even though I tried to learn. My one manager harped on me a lot for not becoming more personable.

[Foxhall]

Eeh, I think that's kinda the opposite for me, actually. Typically, when I do "like" people, I get very attached, because of how infrequent that is for me. Heck, I've been told here that I'm "too attached" to my current friends.

 

 

that makes sense actually.

 

I think I posted that to you previously about your current friends!!

 

lol, am I saying something different here,

 

well No, still very important for you to find friends other than the "couple" you have referred to a few times,

 

would be good if you can find another two or three friends. as others say it can be harder for some people to make friends than others but worth persevering anyway to find another few.

[Inflikted]

that makes sense actually.

 

I think I posted that to you previously about your current friends!!

 

lol, am I saying something different here,

 

well No, still very important for you to find friends other than the "couple" you have referred to a few times,

 

would be good if you can find another two or three friends. as others say it can be harder for some people to make friends than others but worth persevering anyway to find another few.

 

Yeah... I just really can't find the "care" to go out and try to meet people. I want to "care", but I just don't. Yanno? Even if there were things I wanted to just go out and do on my own just for the sake of doing them, I'm not really wired to properly "mingle" with people in such a way where I'd actually meet anyone.

 

Heck, with my current friends, I met her when she started working at the same place as I did, and we were scheduled all the same shifts together, and we just really clicked (then later, I met her boyfriend and became friends with him, too). So, even that, I didn't really "do" anything to find it or make it happen, we were just sort of forced together, and we happened to really like each other.

 

And the thing is, I do sort of have other opportunities "open" to me, but I just don't really "care" enough about those. Like, I don't really click with my friends' other friends, outside of the group settings. And while I could definitely get involved in the social circle of another former coworker, I know our interests don't align enough to make that very appealing (plus I have an unpleasant past with one of his other friends). So, I mean, I have easy "opportunities", but they're not appealing to me.

 

I wish I were more receptive, and I wish I were better at being social and personable. I just don't know what it would take to make me that way, at this point. I've tried.