I'm the Odd Man Out

[schlumpy]

I’m going to set up the scenario as accurately as I can and let the chips fall where they may.

 

Last November my music group was invited to play at a story tellers convention. We accepted and there were six of us that were going to play. There were four folk guitarists, one flute player and one fiddle player. I was one of the folk guitarists.

 

The normal process is a round robin. Each of us would do a song and it would keep going that way until the half hour was up and then we would come back for another half hour later.

 

We started up but when my turn came up to play, they skipped me. I kept looking across the stage for an explanation, but no one would meet my gaze. The second time I was skipped, I knew of course they were doing it on purpose.

 

I kept my cool and let the set run its course. They all trooped of the stage without a backwards glance at me. I packed up and left. The flute player ran after me but was pretty much incoherent. She said that she didn’t know what was going on, but that she hoped I would not drop out of sight.

 

I told her I did know what was going on and to tell the “boys” that I got the message. I then drove back home.

 

I got an email later that night from the ringleader where he claimed there was a miscommunication and that I shouldn’t take it to heart. I replied that he was wrong. I understood the message they were sending me very clearly. I pointed out to him that this event had been planned for a month and that I had been specifically asked to attend. If I wasn’t needed all he had to do was tell me. I would have happily stayed home. I could have used that time to get a start on new song. Instead, I show up and sit on stage for a half hour while the audience is wondering what the hell I showed up for.

 

He then got his sycophants to email me and they tried to convince me that I should just blow it off, but the lack of respect is too much for me. I can’t play music with people I don’t trust. I can’t think of anything I did to deserve what happened to me that night except that I attempt to play each song as well as I can.

 

Since then I’ve attended a couple of society meetings, but I dropped out of my main music group and joined another one.

Tomorrow is a picnic at one of our Folk Society members house. Any member who wants to can show up. I’m thinking about attending but I’m suffering a singular lack of enthusiasm. It’s not like the three perpetrators were low key members of the group. They are actually very active members. One of them is President of the association. I'm sure they will be there.

 

Do you think I should attend? It’s just for an afternoon and maybe I’ll do three songs. I’m not willing to bury the hatchet. As far as I’m concerned, those guys no longer exist in my universe.

[Beendaredonedat]

I think you should go. Hold your head up high and don't lower yourself to their level.

 

Have fun and don't let them bring you down.

[chillii]

No idea scump.

But they sounded genuine in their emails and thoughts.

Thing is , why would they fake that if they really didn't want your songs, there;s no need , that'd be the perfect time to finish things.Mind you , of course l might be wrong .

ls there any way it could've just been some crazy mix up ?

 

Think l'd give this next one a miss just until l was 100% sure of what's been going on.

[spiritedaway2003]

Do YOU want to go? If yes, then go. Don't let their presence stop you from going and having fun.

 

You know this better than us, but could there have been a possibility that there was some sort of a mix-up?

 

If it's intentional, that's definitely not cool. It's disrespectful, but glad you were able to keep your cool.

[Mr. Lucky]

I got an email later that night from the ringleader where he claimed there was a miscommunication and that I shouldn’t take it to heart.

 

Was it an act of omission - they just somehow forgot you - or commission - someone decided you weren't a good fit for the program?

 

Mr. Lucky

[LivingWaterPlease]

I hope you go to the picnic, schlumpy. The less you show that you're allowing this to bother you, IMO, the better off you'll be.

 

The picnic will be fun!

 

Seems to me it would be effective to "heap coals of fire on their heads!" If you're familiar with the term.

[Watercolors]

Definitely go to that picnic, Schlumpy. Don't let those bastards get you down.

 

What your former music group members did to you -- skipping you onstage like that -- was petty and mean. You should be angry with them.

 

Go to the picnic and have fun. Don't let their actions dictate how you feel about your music or performing either. Don't give them control AT ALL over your choices. Go to the picnic, perform there, and mingle with everyone but them and have fun. Screw them. They are a-------.

[schlumpy]

Was it an act of omission - they just somehow forgot you - or commission - someone decided you weren't a good fit for the program?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

That is exactly why I didn't have a stronger reaction at the first miss. One of the guys has lost his place before. After the second miss there was no doubt it was deliberate.

 

What were they thinking? I've only speculation left to consider and that's going to sound self-serving on my part.

 

In every group there is just a few people that keep it running and that's these three guys. They organize and keep schedules straight and set up play dates with organizations that need some cheap entertainment. They are the stars of the show or at least they were until I showed up.

 

We play every Saturday morning at one of the area shopping malls and I was quite out of practice when I started participating. I was much better after six months and now I'm in top 20 percent of the group with about 110 playable songs in my folder.

 

I think they had things nicely arranged for themselves and my presence detracted from the fun instead of adding to it from their point of view. It seems to come down to jealousy. I don't where else to place the blame.

 

I could understand it if I was showboating or trying to take over the group for my own aggrandizement but I'm not. I'm retired and I don't how long I will be able play at the level I do play. This group of fellow musicians is something I use to keep the spark lit within me so that I can find the energy to practice and improve.

 

I went out of my way to make friends with these same individuals which obviously didn't work. I couldn't break into the secret society.

 

I will go today and see how it turns out. It's difficult being with people that you know wish you ill will but it won't be my first time.

 

It's never the plan but always the people.

Edited August 25, 2019 by schlumpy

[schlumpy]

(Livingwaterplease & WaterColors)

 

Thanks for the encouragement. It's not like I'm emotionally devastated. I was playing long before I joined this guitar group and I'll keep playing until I can't long after them. I've had much worse happen to me then sitting in front of audience looking a bit of a fool. I even laugh sometimes when I think of how ridiculous the whole thing must have seemed to people in the auditorium.

 

But I have a rule I follow and that is I don't give someone a second chance to stick it to me. I just cut them from my life and many times that is inconvenient. It's not that I don't forgive transgressions, I do. People make mistakes and being the introvert I am it is many times difficult for me to be very open with people from the get-go. It usually takes me months to establish relationships and years to make a best friend. I can be misread which leads to the wrong decision by others. That was not the case in this situation. It was carefully orchestrated and arranged.

 

All he had to do was tell me not to show up. That they had it handled. There would have been no hard feelings whatsoever. As strange as it might seem I'm not that eager to perform for large audiences. I'm more like a in the basement type player with a few other people around.

 

It's that I thought I had found a place to belong to. People of like mind and purpose. Something to add to my center not detract from it. To my chagrin, I forgot the lessons I've learned about human nature. I let my guard down.

 

The music festival last year was almost magical for me. Over eight thousand attended and we had folk singers from as far as California performing. It made you want to believe that our little songs could change the world.

 

How do you change the world with a song if you can't make a dent in the dark side of human nature of one person?

[elaine567]

They are the stars of the show or at least they were until I showed up.

... It seems to come down to jealousy.

 

My first thought too.

They have apologised and tried to make it right, so I think you should just go along as normal. Clear the air.

Look at it as an activity you like and enjoy so do not cut off your nose to spite your face.

 

Also if they have been the "stars", then it is probably pretty tough for them to see their light fading in the presence of stronger competition...

[schlumpy]

My first thought too.

They have apologised and tried to make it right, so I think you should just go along as normal. Clear the air.

Look at it as an activity you like and enjoy so do not cut off your nose to spite your face.

 

Also if they have been the "stars", then it is probably pretty tough for them to see their light fading in the presence of stronger competition...

 

You could be right about this. Here I complain about what I see as humanities fallen nature and then do nothing to improve my own.

 

I may let it go but like a reconciled marriage, things will not be the same.

[FMW]

I have a large group of musician friends. Egos can certainly get in the way. I see it frequently in regular jam sessions where the leader won't give much time, sometimes any, to someone he feels outshines his own talent and takes the attention away from him.

 

Go to the picnic, be the "bigger" guy, and keep doing your own thing. Don't let this experience keep you from fully participating in your local music scene.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Well, you're just processing here, schlump! You'll go and shine today!

[mark clemson]

To err is human, to forgive divine?

[LivingWaterPlease]

To err is human, to forgive divine?

 

And so attractive!

 

Not at all that schlump is trying to be attractive but one can't help but be attractive when giving grace to the undeserving!

 

Great rewards in making extra efforts to treat frenemies well!

[alphamale]

if you feel like going then go, if you want to get taco bell and stay home then by all means do that

[preraph]

So whoever the person was who started playing when it was your time to play or designated to skip you is the main problem. The rest may or may not have any responsibility in it.

 

I'm guessing someone said, We're only going to have time for this many songs, and decided to skip you. Maybe just one person. If it were the leaders, they should simply have notified you when you arrived.

 

I know exactly what you are talking about because they have these gigs where I live at a big bookstore. It all very laid back, but I will say I noted some awkwardness amongst the participants at one I watched for awhile.

 

There's always jealousy and competition and seniority disputes amongst musicians. If there is someone (or the three) in charge of that thing, I would contact whichever one you are most comfortable with and ask what is going on. Don't get nasty. Just tell him, Hey, I am completely in the dark as to why I was passed over. See if there's an explanation. Then say, If I'm not needed, why would you have me show up and not tell me?

 

If there is another group to join, do it. My guess is it's not everyone, but just one person and an allie or whatever.

 

If I went to the meeting, I'd contact them first.

[Poutrew]

To err is human, to forgive divine?

 

That's why I usually tell the other person to talk directly to God - he's much more forgiving than I am...

[schlumpy]

Ok. I just got back.

 

It all went well. Two of the perps were there but we were civil. The house was pretty nice. The owners were a terrific couple that made us feel welcome. We sat on the front lawn in a circle. Their two retrievers were running around trying to take advantage of people that forgot about their sandwiches.

 

Linda and Cathy sat near me and worked me over about coming back into the fold. Linda was urging me to show up at a farmers market to play and she wants me join everyone at the charity auction that is being held from her front porch.

 

I was noncommittal. It just didn't feel right but who I am kidding. By December I'll more than likely be singing "save the whales" songs and writing a protest song about global warming and plastic pollution.

 

I need a nice long nap to regain my perspective.

 

Thanks to everyone for their input. It tipped the balance as to whether I went or not. We shall see what the future will bring.

[schlumpy]

If there is another group to join, do it. My guess is it's not everyone, but just one person and an allie or whatever.

 

If I went to the meeting, I'd contact them first.

 

You are so prescient PreRaph. That is exactly what I did. After listening to the lame excuses I got for being skipped over I left the Saturday Mall group and joined the Thursday night group.

 

It's worked out for me except some of Thursday night people are really quirky. They can be acid blunt also but that I can handle.

[preraph]

Glad it's going to work out.

[spiderowl]

Only just seen this thread Schlumpy. Wow, am I familiar with this issue! I also go to music groups and have run some (in a quiet sort of way) and this is the number one issue which causes friction.

 

In the group, I was involved with, there were 20+ musicians of different types. It was not a 'playing together' event but a round robin type thing. Whoever was running the session had to try to include anyone who wanted to play. Usually this works out fine. When I missed someone, a kind lady who knew the sessions well, gently mentioned it to me. I made sure they were included as soon as I realised.

 

Other people run sessions and they have the same problem of trying not to miss people out. These are bigger groups though so it is easy to miss someone. There are also misunderstandings occasionally where someone thought they heard another say they did not want to play (and it was not true). Messages get muddled sometimes.

 

The group you were with is much smaller and it would have been obvious if someone was missed out. I can see why you felt offended. All I can think, if this was not a misunderstanding amongst them, is that they are being childish. You can be the bigger man here and ignore this and proudly step in and make friends with the less childish people.

 

Over the years, I have seen all sorts of upsets and politics, 95% I would say were misunderstandings or someone being particularly sensitive because they did not like whoever was running the session. Usually there is some personal 'beef' when these issues arise, though there is an element of someone being stupid as well - for example, one complaining about people using sheet music as a prop which of course offended those using sheet music!

 

I think just rise above it all and spend your time with the people whose company you enjoy. Don't let this incident spoil your time with them. The lady obviously felt something odd was going on and was not happy about it. In any group like this, there will be others who do not approve and think it is childish behaviour. There are those that get wound up and seem to have issues with all sorts of people and there are those who religiously turn up and do their bit without complaint. The latter are the ones who are usually welcome at many different sessions.

Edited August 26, 2019 by spiderowl

[schlumpy]

Only just seen this thread Schlumpy. Wow, am I familiar with this issue! I also go to music groups and have run some (in a quiet sort of way) and this is the number one issue which causes friction.

 

In the group, I was involved with, there were 20+ musicians of different types. It was not a 'playing together' event but a round robin type thing.

 

The main group I was involved with plays every Saturday morning at a local mall. There can be anywhere from 15 to 35 people show up from week to week. Sometimes I get 3 or 4 songs in and sometimes it's only one.

 

Skill levels run from basic beginner to former band or group members. We are not locked into folk music. Whatever anyone wants to bring to the table is fine. I do songs from a variety of acoustical guitar players. My latest crush is Ralph McTell's "The Streets of London."

 

We try to sit in a circle and do round robin.

 

We also have special events where we play nursing homes, farmer markets, parties, events at churches. That involves usually less then ten people depending on the event.

 

It was during one of these special events that this happened. There were seven of us on stage. Six of those people had a tight relationship and then there was me with less then a year of participation with the group.

 

If the group had been larger they would not have been able to pull it off which is why I believe it had to be deliberate. They also lied by omission to others in the Saturday mall group as to why I wasn't attending any longer.

 

I joined up with the Thursday night group which is smaller but reputed to be more serious. They do have a couple of top flight musicians as in song writers and lead guitar.

 

My only focus is to improve as a musician for as long as I'm able. My main purpose in joining the Folk society was to help me keep the spark alive and force me to practice. It was not to add drama to my life. That I don't need. I'm not trying to supplant whatever social order is in the group. I just want to sit at the table and play to the best of my ability.

 

I should know better when dealing with human nature.

 

My main instrument Spider is a Martin HD28 Herringbone style guitar with a pickup installed. I have a Roland Cube amp that I use for amplification when needed.

[alphamale]

i didn't know you were so creative and artistic schlumpy

[schlumpy]

i didn't know you were so creative and artistic schlumpy

 

Any form of art is about personal expression unless you are just trying to impress the girls and I have been guilty of that.