DJS Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 I have been married to my wife for 4 years now. We have 3 kids. 1 is a step sone she had him when she was 16. The other 2 lucky for us are twins. The past 6 months I have notied that she was slowly withdrawing and not putting forth much effort into the marriage. Not to say i was either. So last week we kinda got into a discussion about why we never talk or do things togethe and what not. She told me that she no longer loved me like she did when we got married and wasn't sure she ever could again. I asked her what brought this on. She said it was because of things i did and some of her own. Alot of what she told me then was the first time she told me these things ever. We both agreed that if she had maybe most of this problem would never have happened. I told her I still lovede her deeply and would try to change myself in a positive way. We agreed to get counseling, individual and together when we are ready. I still though feel slighted and don't know if it is worth the effort. We talked last night a bit and she said she wan't sure if she could ever love me again. She said I was an excellent father, and that she liked me, but love was hard to see right now. I want it to work for the kids sake and she does too. I can't help wondering if it is too late. the fact she still makes my lunches, and does stuff for me tells me that all is not lost and now is the time for me to step up and give her reason to get better herself. I am going to a head shrinker today to start dealing with my issues. I don't want to put pressure on her but i am finding it hard right now to be patient even though I know I must. That is truly one of my problems. I also sort of resent her now because I asked many times what was wrong and never got an answer, or was told everything was fine she just needed to think. I am sorta clueless I guess. I am trying now to repair things slowly. I just want to know if I am making the right choices. I am going to give her space even if it annoys the hell out of me, and get my own life for myself during this time. I don't want to be crippled by this if she decides to say screw it and take off. We love our kids and I will be spending even more time with them now. I am not sure what she wants sometimes but I am starting to think that i must just worry about myself for now and let her deal with her own issues. Comments? suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 First of all, google "Why Women Leave Men". It will give you alot of insight into what she's feeling right now. Second, I suggest marriage counseling- for the both of you. Usually when a partner makes statements like the one's your wife made they are usually involved with another person of the opposite sex. If you read enough here in this section you will see it's true. I'm not saying that's absolutely the case in this situation, but it happens more often than not. I would ask her if there is someone else- what has caused this to happen now rather than before? Has she been talking about a male friend at work recently?? Thirdly, I say get the books "Love must be tough" by James Dobson and "Winning Back your wife" by Gary Chapman. When I left my exhusband I read Love Must be tough. I have to tell you, as I often tell men on this forum, that what the book tells you NOT to do is exactly what my spouse did that pushed me away. Just so you know, I had an affair after a very long marriage- and I said some of the same things to my exhusband when I left him that your wife is saying to you. I hate to tell you that but it's true. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DJS Posted September 28, 2005 Author Share Posted September 28, 2005 I asked her about other people and she said no she doesn't really want anyone right now. So she denied it but that doesn't mean she isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 I'm in agreement with everything Mz.Pixie said.....but you might also consider a depression screening. If there's no case of infidelity at work, her withdrawal for no evident reason is cause for concern. Link to post Share on other sites
GuySimple Posted September 29, 2005 Share Posted September 29, 2005 I think I have married your wife’s older sister. Careful about thinking there is something wrong with you. It is easy to fall into thinking that you must have been at fault. You’re doing exactly what I did, went to a councilor. In fact my wife doesn’t want to see a councilor with our without me. I have concentrated on being the model husband, non-confrontational, holding back my own emotions. But tonight for example she bit my head off about something very trivial. I told her that what she said was inappropriate and it hurt my feelings. She said that I caught her at a bad time and gave me a very un-heart felt apology. It was everything I could do not to snap back at her that we all have bad days but that’s so excuse in treating people poorly. But, in an effort to save my marriage and because, despite what many women say, a lot of men spend more time looking inward than outward, I sucked it up and said that I hoped her day got better. I guess what I am trying to say is don’t compromise your own values to keep your marriage going. In the long run it will only end sometime down the road when you release all that frustration. Marriage is a partnership if you get in the situation when you feel that you are the only one who cares about saving the relationship maybe it is time to get out. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 29, 2005 Share Posted September 29, 2005 Marriage is a partnership if you get in the situation when you feel that you are the only one who cares about saving the relationship maybe it is time to get out. Easier said than done. Love is love and hey, 3 kids and 2 of them are twins. Sometimes life is s***. He has to try to do all he can before throwing in the towel. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted September 29, 2005 Share Posted September 29, 2005 People are often frustrated by the marital monotony. Women dream about princes and after a few years of marriage they are disappointed. Perhaps the best you can do now is to play the prince again: be cheerful, hug and kiss her a lot, surprise her with small presents and flowers, talk to her, tell her jokes... do all the things you would do all over again to seduce and impress someone. At the same time try to communicate your needs. Insist on telling each other what bothers you in a friendly and peaceful way. Hopefully she will return the treatment. People go through crisis phases in their marriages. That's normal. It's good that you recognized the problem on time. Not all marriages were meant to be, but you love her and for the sake of the kids it's worth trying. Hopefully the reason for this is not because she met someone else. She wouldn't tell you, just like she didn't tell you about the things that bothered her before. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DJS Posted September 29, 2005 Author Share Posted September 29, 2005 We talked last night a bit and she told me she felt stifled and neglected by me. After careful hought I realized she was right. I was sorta controlling, and did not pay attention to her like I should have and became lazy and expected her to clean cook etc... She realizes she could have done more to try but she got depressed. We agreed to take this time to work on ourselves, and just work on being together as friends for now before we can explore our marriage again. We both are starting counseling seperate and joint and will make more time for eachother but not suffocate eachother and allow some independance also. I see some hope here. The fact we actually had a good discussion and didn't rip eachother apart is good. So I am hopeful but I am also glad because I know now what NOT to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted September 29, 2005 Share Posted September 29, 2005 Great progress! Link to post Share on other sites
Author DJS Posted September 29, 2005 Author Share Posted September 29, 2005 your advice pixie helped alot I am buying those books today also. Thank you very much:) Link to post Share on other sites
kttyfocus Posted September 29, 2005 Share Posted September 29, 2005 We talked last night a bit and she told me she felt stifled and neglected by me. After careful hought I realized she was right. I was sorta controlling, and did not pay attention to her like I should have and became lazy and expected her to clean cook etc... She realizes she could have done more to try but she got depressed. We agreed to take this time to work on ourselves, and just work on being together as friends for now before we can explore our marriage again. We both are starting counseling seperate and joint and will make more time for eachother but not suffocate eachother and allow some independance also. I see some hope here. The fact we actually had a good discussion and didn't rip eachother apart is good. So I am hopeful but I am also glad because I know now what NOT to do. The great thing about you is that you're a guy and you still want to make it work, are willing to put effort into it. Both you and your wife are lucky. Whatever way you go, you guys are doing the right things for each other and yourselves. Best of wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
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