He's really gone this time

[SSE]

I need some support, so please no harsh comments.

 

MM called again about 3 months ago. He claimed we were such great friends and that he wanted to meet. I expressed my concerns that ‘things’ could happen. It wouldn’t be such a big deal he said… And if I didn’t want to have sex, I just shouldn’t bring the condoms…

 

I hesitated for a while, because I really missed him, but after discussing it with my therapist and my best friend, I came to the conclusion that nothing had changed. We would meet, have a great time and then he would leave to go back to her with me ending up being all alone again. He would probably throw in an insensitive comment like ‘you won’t hear from me for the coming weeks because I’m on vacation with my family’. My therapist and friends are right, I don’t want that anymore. I can’t take it anymore. It’s too painful. I told him this and asked him to leave me alone. I didn't get an answer back.

 

I’m just back from a vacation with friends myself. I didn’t have a great time. At the hotel was a man that really looked like MM. That guy was there on a holiday with his wife and kid. They seemed to have a great time. Laughing. Kissing. Just having family fun. It hit to me that MM probably has such vacations with his family. She is ‘allowed’ to kiss him in public. I wasn’t even allowed to walk to close near him in public as I was pushed away when I once did. I was pushed away by the man I love when I walked too close near him. However, I wasn’t pushed away before in the hotel room…

 

He’s gone. He’s really gone this time. I haven’t heard from him in 3 months, that’s the longest time ever. He’s gone. Forever. And I’m left all alone. I was the woman of his dreams… And now he’s gone. I was no dream woman, I was an extra. A secret. I was, to put it in his words, a hole that needed to be filled. Now I’m realizing this. And it hurts so bad. I’m still in so much pain. He’s gone. He’s really gone. And I’m all alone. Again. I was alone this entire time of the affair. Alone. As usual. I’m in so much pain, you have no idea. Or maybe you have unfortunately. When does this ever stop??

 

My friends tell me I should be glad he’s finally gone from my life, but I’m sad. I really did love him. I lost someone I loved. I lost something I longed so hard for: having a real relationship with the man I love. I know I cannot mourn forever for someone who didn’t love me back. For someone who treated me so badly. I know he doesn’t mourn the loss of me. He’s just living his life. So I’m trying to date to get my life back, because I want to move forward too, but it isn’t easy. I want to allow someone new in my life, but I don’t fall in love easily.

 

I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want to have my own loving relationship like all my friends have. I don’t want this pain anymore. I just want it to stop!! Will this ever get better?

[pepperbird]

Someone told me one time that we end up in the relationships we feel we deserve. It's not conscious, it just happens.

 

 

 

You can;t change what happened between you and this guy. All you can do is try and get what good you can from it. What attracted you to this guy? What made you stay with him? What allowed you to be satisfied with "less than" from him?

 

We can't control other, just ourselves. What will you do to help keep yourself from ending up with this guy again, should he decide to come back? What will you do to prevent yourself from ending up with another MM?

[mark clemson]

It'll take a while to process this. The good news, though, is that once you're ready, you can find love again. It isn't like a one-shot deal. Many if not most people have multiple "loves" in their lives. Each one is a little different and special in it's own way. So, once you're ready emotionally, you'll be able to have this again - but this time it will be with someone you can actually have and who hopefully treats you better/is more sensitive to your feelings as well.

[Amethyst68]

You've done really well at keeping NC, unfortunately as everyone else says it just takes time.

 

I would probably imagine what would have happened if it had actually been MM and his family, how seeing them in the open would hurt but more importantly seeing MM do all possible gymnastics to not come into contact with you, to walk past as if he had never even heard of you never mind met you. That's the reality and knowing how I deal I would use it as another tool, another brick in the boundary I'd be building.

 

Take your time with dating but not too much time, make sure you're actively trying to move on and not wallow in the what might have beens.

[LIRR88]

I can sense the pain in your words and it got me emotional as I read your post. It’s truly awful when you realize you were practically disposable to the other person. It’s been almost 7 months out for me and that heart ache still lingers. You deserve so much better, I wish you luck on your journey to healing.

[SSE]

Thank you for your replies.

 

My heart literally hurts. I’m in so much pain, because he’s really gone now. The man I love is gone. Forever. All I do is cry. The thing I wanted the most is gone. A real relationship with him. The hope is gone. My heart hurts so bad. In the meanwhile I have to be happy for my friends getting married and having babies. I can’t. It’s too much. I can’t even be near my friends anymore.

 

Rationally I know I did the right thing ending it with him. He said some things that made it clear to me he doesn’t want a real relationship with me, just sex. When I told him I loved him, he replied I should live my own live because it’s possible he could meet another girl (not his wife!) and then I would be all alone again. After sex he said I will meet my Mr. Right someday, but before the sex he asked if I would move for him. And the last time when I asked if we could have a real relationship, it could only be after his current one ends but it’s possible that never happens. After he said that, he even dared to ask me to have sex with him again. Knowing the situation was killing me.

 

That’s the man I love. A man that doesn’t want me. A man that only wants to fill my holes. A man who doesn’t miss me. A man who isn’t hurting because I won’t be in his life anymore. He once told me I will hurt way more than he when it ends. And it hurts so bad because I was so good to him while I mean nothing to him. He just goes on with his life and I’m left all alone. He’s gone. I’m all alone. Crying. He didn’t even reply my message to leave me alone. Nothing. Poof. Gone. Forever. I’m a mess.

 

I don’t know what to do. What can I do? Wait and let time do its thing? Do you promise it will get better? It doesn’t feel like it will get better. I’ve never been heartbroken before. LIRR88, are you still in so much pain after 7 months? Or is it a little bit better? (I hope it’s a lot better!).

 

I don’t want to be a mistress forever. I want to be someone’s number one, not the hidden secret. That’s my main motivation of never allowing him back in my life pepperbird. I don’t want this pain anymore. Never again. It’s not worth it! I fell for him because he made me laugh. We have the same humor. We liked to tease one another. I never had a relationship before and then there he was. We clicked, something I never experienced before. I was lonely and it felt so nice. So I gave in. I stayed because it felt so good having someone in my life. Not just someone, but someone I liked as well. I stayed because initially he claimed he wanted me. And even after he changed (like they all seem to do) I kept hoping he would change again and be with me. Because I wanted that relationship so bad. I love him. Until you cannot cope with the pain anymore. Until you realize you’re being used by the man you love. I’m in tears writing this. I hurts so bad. Never again pepperbird. I don’t want to go through this pain ever again.

 

I have a date tonight. I will have to force myself again to be happy happy and smile. I don’t know if I’m ready but I don’t want to lose much time anymore. I already lost 2.5 years with MM. I don’t want to end up alone. So I date. But I’m forcing myself. I went on already 5 dates with this guy, but nothing. Nada. No feelings from my side. But I have to move on. I have to try. What else can I do? I don’t want to be in love with this MM forever. Even though I still love him so much (if you can understand it, I don’t even understand it myself).

 

I’m hurting. I’m crying. I’m scared this pain will never stop and I’ll never get over him. Please give me some words of support because I don’t want to be in this pain much longer. If this is the way I will have to live my life for the coming time without improvement, I'd rather be dead. It's too much pain.

[pepperbird]

OP,

 

You are worth so much more than what this guy was willing to give you. If you want proof, just look at the responses to your thread.

 

You have a bunch of people who, even though they have never met you, can see your worth. It really says something when a bunch of strangers on an internet forum treat you more kindly than the man who claimed to care for you. How dare he treat you like this!

 

I'm no expert in relationships, but OP, this one sounds like it was a source of pain in your life. I read your words and I see a woman who's spirit has been beaten down. DO NOT let him do that to you! Don't give him anything more than he's already taken.

 

 

 

What were you like before you met this guy? What made you happy? What were your life's goals? Who are you at heart? Underneath all your heartache and grief, YOU are still there. Find that woman again.

 

It's okay to be angry at him. That can be part of the healing process, just like grief. Look at the way he treats women. You say he pushed you out of the way when you got too close? How dare he do that! I know it may sound odd, but if you need further proof of who he is, just look at how he's treated his wife and family. He's going behind her back with you and god only knows who else. He's got you feeling awful and heartbroken, he's lying to her, if he has kids he's risking their home and sense of security all so he can strut about like the cock of the walk?

 

Your feelings, his wife's feelings and if he has kids even their feelings aren't enough to override his sense of entitlement. He is the centre of the universe after all, and if he wants sex, well, in his mind, he's perfectly entitled to lie, sneak and hurt others to get it.

 

I'm still stuck at how he pushed you out of the way. I'd like to push him too- right in front of a city bus. I'll have to settle for the idea that one day, the karma bus will hit him smack square in the middle of his smug face.

 

As for you OP, you are worth so much more than his crappy treatment. I don't even know you and I know that. The problem is, you have to believe it. I hope you can soon. He's not worth your love. He just isn't.

[mark clemson]

Yes, most normal people get over it. It takes a lot longer than we'd like, (often several months) but we DO get over it eventually.

 

The vast majority of people have had breakups, been sad (often QUITE sad), gotten over it, and moved on to new relationships. Very few people are lifetime monogamists (although they are out there). Many if not most, and maybe almost ALL, have been through distress similar to what you're feeling. It's part of being human and part of the "price" of love.

[stillafool]

I don't think it's helpful for you to date guys you aren't into. That will just make you miss MM more because you will look at the other guy like "is this as good as it gets". It might help you more to hang out/go out with friends until you've healed and then you can look at new men with a refreshed mind.

[gettinoverit]

OP,

Your pain is absolutely excruciating to read, not least because I'm going through something very similar right now. I'm so sorry. The one bit of good news: you are feeling this pain. You can feel it. It is healthy as long as you keep moving forwards through it and not getting stuck. You are grieving and it may go on a while. Let yourself feel all these feelings and know that they ARE temporary. That's what I keep telling myself. This is awful, but I won't always feel like this. I can't even avoid my MM. I have to keep such tight control on myself at all times it's exhausting!

Know also that, if he really IS gone this time (big IF as we all know and don't you DARE get hope from that! I don't mean he'll be back to swear undying love, I mean he'll be back to use you some more) he is doing you a huge favor. Not having any communication with him IS the path to getting through this quicker. I actually feel relief when I don't hear from my MM. And fear and anxiety when I do. Going NC is not an option for me because of the circumstances around us. So I go as LC as possible, with odd breaches when I have a moment of weakness (like yesterday but I had some things I needed to say).

Feel all your feelings. It's not bad for you. Let yourself go through this instead of squishing it all down. You will start to feel better if you continue moving forwards. How? The usual time-tested advice, while it feels like crap, really does work. Set small goals for the day. Get through it. Go out with friends. Meet new people. Take up a new hobby. Most helpful for me: visualize the person you want to be, and the life you want to have (without him!) and take steps towards it.

Know that you are free, and your roadmap could take you anywhere. I think there are different kinds of MM. Ones who cheat out of entitlement (like poor Lurker's guy if you read that thread) and ones who cheat because something is wrong. I know my MM is the latter. The struggle he went through with what he did with me and to me was awful to watch and partly why I ended it. But he was using me to plug holes in his life. Those holes are still there. Nothing has changed for him. I'm free to create the life I want. He's not. I feel sorry for him. He doesn't have the balls to make a change. He can't say he's happy. I don't know if that applies to your situation too wth your MM, but if it does take some comfort in that. You are free. He is not and the same issues he tried to run from are still there.

[preraph]

There are some exceptions, but certainly a lot of guys are in love with sex, while women are in love with love.

[LIRR88]

Well it was a little different because it was an EA only. I do believe he loved me but when he realized everything he would lose in terms of finances, time with his daughter etc, he got scared and broke things off. It’s gotten a lot better but I have my days, today was one of them. I snooped on his social media (which I shouldn’t because it makes things worse) and I see he’s been active. I got upset and emotional because I haven’t heard from him all summer and it makes me realize he has time for everything and everyone minus me. I think it’s gonna take a long time before I’m finally at peace with everything. I’m more angry than sad these days but I pray for patience and peace. You’re right though, you deserve much more than to be someone’s mistress, you deserve to be someone’s number one. Don’t ever forget that and continue pushing forward.

[SSE]

Thank you all for your replies. They made me cry…

 

I know I keep saying the same thing, but he’s gone. He’s actually really gone. I don’t think he’s coming back. Ever again. He’s gone. I know you’re right when you say he’s doing me a favor by staying gone, but it’s hard for me. I loved him, even though he treated me like crap. I’ve read the thread of Lurker and I can feel her pain as well. Something very similar happened to me, also with MM. We met, had sex and then his wife unexpectedly called. He couldn’t get away as fast as possible and ditched me at a parking lot. I didn’t get a message afterwards. Only after 3 days he asked how I was doing. I told him I felt like a whore. He said he was sorry. He contacted me only after 3 days… It took him 3 entire days to think about me and how I was doing. But before the sex I was the woman of his dreams.

 

You’re right when you say this ‘relationship’ only has been a source of pain and not happiness. Only temporary happiness until he went back to her. Sometimes I am surprised I stayed in this situation for so long, that I endured this crap treatment for so long. But I finally had a connection with someone. Finally. For the first time in my life and I was already 26 then. I wasn’t ready to give up that connection yet. Until the pain becomes too much. I was very kind to him the entire time of the affair. He even said that himself that I was so nice and sweet. That we were such good friends. Is this how you treat a good friend? Why did I get such a treatment when I was always very kind to him? I guess it doesn’t matter now. He’s gone. He’s with her. And I’m all alone. Right back where I was when this affair started.

 

I long for a real relationship with him, but I also know if that should ever happen, I would be very scared in that relationship. Scared that he’s lying. Scared he will cheat. Scared he will ditch me for some other girl like he once said. Scared that he’s using me for sex until he finds himself another girl or goes back to his wife with all her money. That doesn’t sound healthy at all. I don’t think I would be happy in that relationship. I would be really scared that he would hurt me again. So actually in no scenario I would end happy with him I think. But still I long for him… I would still give him a chance if he would be single. There was that connection. That teasing one another. The laughing etc. Does this sound weird? My friends say it's weird I would still want him after all that's happened.

 

Something I also struggle with, already before I met MM, is my fear of being single forever. I’m not that attractive and rather shy. It took a very long time before someone (MM) noticed me. And that felt so good (until it didn’t anymore). Now that is gone and I’m very scared I will never have that connection again with anyone. I don’t want that MM will be the only ‘love’ I ever got in my life from a man. I’m scared. I want that connection again but I fear I will never find it and settle for less.

 

It hurts so bad, I never experienced this before. My heart is in so much pain. I think of him, of him with her and then you have me. All alone and crying. It hurts. But I know I did the right thing because the situation was killing me. He was using me. You and my friends all say the same: I did the right thing, time will lessen the emotions and I will get over it. But it’s been already 3 months of NC and it’s only now I’m starting to realize he’s actually gone this time. Really gone. It’s over. He’s with her and not me. He’s never going to be with me. Never. My heart literally breaks. It’s already 3 months and I’m still crying… Is this still normal? I hope you are all right that it will get better because I’m not feeling it. Thanks for the support.

[Daisy2013]

SSE, sending you a huge virtual hug, I feel your pain through your words. Many of your words resonate, the way you were treated. My MM looked me straight in the eyes and told me he did not love his W, but would not divorce bc it would be his 3rd D, and he wasn’t going through it again. He said it was me he loved. But many times, I was treated like dog poop stuck to the bottom of a shoe. Down to the watch-looking when were together. Or the brush off if she was mad with him.

 

Maybe you can talk to a professional to get you through this? I know this pain is almost unbearable. Get some help. Also, start to understand why you allowed yourself to be treated like this and why you found it ok to have a relationship with a a MM. There is something wrong with us, also, by agreeing to it, not just him. We aren’t victims because we played along, knowing. But we are left the most hurt. My MM said it’s because our brains are wired differently

 

Don’t be afraid. Recover from this. You have much to offer the right person in due time. And the right person has a lot to offer you.

[Mrs._December]

He’s gone. He’s really gone this time. I haven’t heard from him in 3 months, that’s the longest time ever. He’s gone. Forever. And I’m left all alone.

Let the celebration begin. Whether you realize it or not, he's done you a HUGE favor. he's the biggest DEAD END you'll ever be involved with.

 

He hasn't come sniffing back around again like he has in the past probably because he's found another victim whose willing to waste her time on his lying, using ass.

 

I was the woman of his dreams… And now he’s gone.

I think it's pretty safe to assume that whatever woman is giving him what he wants at the time, he's going to be telling her that she's his 'dream woman.' I'm willing to bet that's what he's already told his newest victim.

 

I was no dream woman, I was an extra. A secret. I was, to put it in his words, a hole that needed to be filled. Now I’m realizing this. And it hurts so bad.

I won't fight you on any of those points because they're all true. And it's very good that you can see this and aren't willing to delude yourself anymore into thinking this was anything more than that. Reality sucks like hell but it will get you through this.

 

My friends tell me I should be glad he’s finally gone from my life, but I’m sad. I really did love him. I lost someone I loved. I lost something I longed so hard for: having a real relationship with the man I love.

The sad truth is that he didn't feel the same way, OP. You were a diversion for him. You were willing sex on tap for him when he had an itch he needed scratched. He didn't respect you and he treated you like you were 'lesser.' You really need to respect yourself more because if you did, you'd be able to see how badly you allowed yourself to be treated by this user.

 

Keep working with your therapist. You'll eventually come out the other side.

[SSE]

I don't feel like celebrating... But everyone keeps saying me the same thing. It's such a good thing he's out of my life. And rationally I know that. I don't need the extra pain anymore of being used by someone I love.

 

Now he's really gone I feel such a painful void inside of me. Actually I felt that void also during the affair. I feel that void already for so long. I so long for a good relationship. MM only gave me a piece of what a loving relationship should be, but boy, did I like that piece. The intimacy you share with someone, the cuddling. That just feels so nice. I want that back. I really miss that. It's painful. My friends have that loving relationship. It's really painful to watch that and be happy for them.

 

I'm so scared I will never find a loving partner. I long for it. It would make me happy. I don't know how to find it. Tinder isn't going that well honestly.

 

I don't want to be alone anymore. Like MM said once: your life will begin after you meet someone. If we had met sooner, I probably would have married you and you would be rich, but now you're alone and not rich. Rude of me! Hahaha.

[PhoenixRising8]

You are not ready for a real relationship and will not attract someone worthwhile in your current state. For your own sake, please stop obsessing about having a good relationship and start focusing on figuring out what is broken in you. Why you value yourself so little that you are prepared to take whatever you can get, even if it's just rotting scraps. This is the best gift you can give yourself. When you love and respect yourself, you will present differently and attract different and better men.

[stillafool]

You need to hurry up and heal so you can find that loving relationship. My goodness MM is not the only man who can cuddle and show intimacy with you. That's easy. You need a man who really loves and respects you enough to make you his wife.

[SSE]

You’re right, I’m obsessing about a loving relationship but only because I think that would make me very happy. The little positive moments I had with MM made me happy. Is that so wrong?

 

The words of Mrs. December stuck with me. What if he indeed found some other willing girl? Will he like her more than me? Maybe he will divorce for her? Or I’m imagining his marriage is going great now and he doesn’t need me or another girl anymore. Making another baby. These thoughts are killing me even though I told him to leave me alone. How can I stop having these thoughts? They hurt.

 

He’s gone. He’s really gone.

[Blind-Sided]

........... What if he indeed found some other willing girl? Will he like her more than me? Maybe he will divorce for her? ..............................

 

 

 

I've been watching this for a few days, and I'm just a biter man... but now I need to jump in since I'm a very rational person. This is going to be harsh... but there's no other way.

 

 

WHY THE $%^& WOULD YOU WANT TO MARRY OR CARE FOR HIM? Seriously... he's the kind that finds nothing wrong with cheating. So even if he divorces, and remarries... he's just going to cheat on that person.

 

 

OK, you made the mistake of allowing yourself for falling for him, and the break-up is never easy... but stop caring about the future that was NEVER going to be good. TO be honest, you really dodged a bullet that would have been a life of heartache.

 

 

Sorry... but it needed to be said.

[mark clemson]

Or I’m imagining his marriage is going great now and he doesn’t need me or another girl anymore. Making another baby. These thoughts are killing me even though I told him to leave me alone. How can I stop having these thoughts? They hurt.

 

If his marriage is so peachy keen, then why did he step out in the first place? Either it isn't or he's the type of person who can never be satisfied with just one woman. Either way you don't want him.

 

The truth (and you already know) is you're better off with space in your life for someone you can actually have. You have to process this emotionally first, but that day of freedom IS coming.

[PhoenixRising8]

You’re right, I’m obsessing about a loving relationship but only because I think that would make me very happy. The little positive moments I had with MM made me happy. Is that so wrong?

.

 

The little positive moments I had with MM made me happy. Bolded and repeated for emphasis. You can only truly be happy if you are happy with yourself. If you rely on others to make you happy you'll be disappointed because everyone will make you unhappy at some point. You have to like you, be comfortable with you, know your own value and love and respect yourself. Until you do that for yourself, you will find yourself with only momentary happiness when you are being treated well and you will wallow on sadness when you are disappointed.

 

With as much kindness as possible I have to ask, what is there to love about this man? He treated you like a toy. He wasn't nice to you. In some cases, he was just plain nasty. I'm out of my affair 4 months now and I don't feel the agony you do and my xMM treated me with kindness and respect. In 14 months he cancelled on me once, he saw me 3-5 times a week for movies, dinner, bowling, mini golf, hiking and long walks/talks, theatre - it wasn't just the sex. If he had treated me the way yours treated you, it wouldn't have lasted a month. Please go to therapy to learn why you don't value yourself. I'm betting it has nothing to do with your outer appearance and everything to do with some emotional trauma. Focus on your core and when you fix yourself, you will be in a much better place to find real love, not someone who will only fill your holes.

[elaine567]

... not someone who will only fill your holes.

Yes that was the killer for me too...

Ugh! ugh! and more ugh!

 

OP you don't need a man like that, in fact no woman needs a man like that...

[anika99]

You’re right, I’m obsessing about a loving relationship but only because I think that would make me very happy. The little positive moments I had with MM made me happy. Is that so wrong?

 

He’s gone. He’s really gone.

 

It's not about wrong or right, it's about what's good for you. I'd like to eat a whole cheesecake right now. That would make me very happy, but I won't do it because it wouldn't be worth consequences. Drug addicts are happy when they do drugs and alcoholics are happy when they drink alcohol. Does that mean they should keep doing those thing? Just because it gives them moments of feeling positive and happy?

 

I agree with everything LKK said. I don't believe that you truly loved the MM. He gave you no reason to love him. He made it pretty clear from the start that his interest in you was sexual. He said nasty hurtful things to you, he didn't want to be seen in public with you, he would go cold and ignore you. All he did when when he wanted to get into your pants was give you a little sweet talk and complain about his wife and you ran with those little scraps of attention. This was never a romantic relationship, it was a romance that you made up in your head. You took his small crumbs of attention and tried to turn them into a great love story which it never was.

 

You loved the way he made you feel sometimes and you loved the fantasy you were entertaining in your head but you didn't love him. Now you are grieving the death of that fantasy. It's normal to grieve and for the most part it's a process that we just have to go through and it takes time, however our thoughts do control our emotions and your thoughts are kind of unhealthy. You still seem to be trying to turn this into some sort of tragic love story. You are still over romanticizing the affair and talking as though you lost the greatest love of all time. You keep saying "he's gone, he's really gone" like you're about to fall on a fainting couch and call for the smelling salts, lol. You are making this harder on yourself.

 

He didn't love you and there was nothing lovable about him. This isn't a tragic love story. He's not losing any sleep over this, he's not in any pain and he doesn't care. He is living his life, good or bad, and you need to do the same. Start by turning your thoughts around. Get professional help to do that if you need to. I did some cognitive behaviour work with a counselor about 20yrs ago and it changed my life for the better but it doesn't happen overnight, it takes practice. Time for you to start focusing on what you can do to make you happy.

[stillafool]

The intimacy you share with someone, the cuddling. That just feels so nice. I want that back. I really miss that. It's painful. My friends have that loving relationship. It's really painful to watch that and be happy for them.

 

I'm so scared I will never find a loving partner. I long for it. It would make me happy. I don't know how to find it. Tinder isn't going that well honestly.

 

I don't want to be alone anymore.

 

Why do you think that MM is the only man that can give you this?