He's really gone this time

[stillafool]

The intimacy you share with someone, the cuddling. That just feels so nice. I want that back. I really miss that. It's painful. My friends have that loving relationship. It's really painful to watch that and be happy for them.

 

I'm so scared I will never find a loving partner. I long for it. It would make me happy. I don't know how to find it. Tinder isn't going that well honestly.

 

I don't want to be alone anymore.

 

Why do you think that MM is the only man that can give you this?

[pepperbird]

op,

you sound like a nice lady with a lot to offer, but it also sounds like you don't see yourself that way. Being with this guy and having him treat you so badly just re-enforced it in your mind that he's the best you ca do because that's all you're worth.

 

Madam, that is a form of abuse. Mental and emotional abuse. It cycles around, you'd feel bad, he drops a crumb which, because he's got you so down on yourself you are glad to accept, and round and round it goes.

 

Look, I don't know you or who you are. All I know is no one deserves this kind of treatment from someone who claims to care about them. The problem is that while I ( and pretty much everyone else) can see it, you have to see it.

 

 

I hope you can soon.

[gettinoverit]

OP, I know you are in pain, but you MUST try and start lifting yourself out of this. As everyone else has said, he is merrily moving on with his life without a backwards glance to you. That alone should tell you all you need to know.

 

I really hope in time you come to realize two things:

 

1) You have dodged a massive bullet. This guy is a serial cheater. You aren't his first and I guarantee you won't be his last. His treatment of you has been appalling. NO WAY do you want to sign up for a life like that! Come on really??! You want to be married to THIS?! It would destroy you!

 

2) You deserve and are worth SO much more than this! You have a right to be loved. This man did not love you. He used you. And you are free now, you've escaped. No more wasting time on someone unworthy of you!

 

You have a lot of work to do on yourself. But the best news of all for me: the very last time you had contact with him, you told him to leave you alone. That ROCKS! His last memory of you is going to be you telling him to go suck it. That is STRONG! You have it in you to pull yourself up. You had enough self respect to tell him NO. The fact that he hasn't been in touch since tells you everything you need to know about how he really feels. You've created a nice solid base for yourself to start moving on. You just need to take those steps now. Stop wallowing in this and start moving forwards. Plan that amazing life with NO MM!

[Bittersweetie]

SSE, one of my main takeaways from all the reflection after my bad choices and affair was this: I am the only person responsible for my own happiness.

 

Before, I thought outside people and outside things were the key to my happiness. Like, if I changed jobs, then I would be happy. Or if I had that car, that would make me happy. Etc. Heck, I moved across the country, then back a couple of years later, because I thought both moves would be the THING that would make everything happy. I thought my husband's job was to make me happy, and when he wasn't, I looked for happiness elsewhere.

 

After the huge mess I made, I finally learned happiness doesn't lie in other people or other things. People and things can enhance my happiness, but in the end it's up to me. I spent a lot of time on learning gratitude and thankfulness and it's really helped me. I am so much happier now than I have ever been, yet my life is far from perfect. I've changed to looking at all the things I have, rather than all things I don't have. And this new feeling of gratitude I have with my life helps me address the issues I still have.

 

This one person is not the key to your happiness: you are the key. Maybe you need some help to change your outlook, and that is okay (I needed extra help too). Good luck.

[pepperbird]

op,

when you get BS, OW and OM etc. all telling you that you deserve better than this, you should take note.

[SSE]

You’re right. He gave me no reason to love him. He didn’t treat me good. Now when he’s actually gone and isn’t coming back, I realize I was nothing to him. When he kept contacting me every other 2 months even though I asked him to leave me alone, it seemed like he cared. Like I somehow was important. But it’s very obvious now I’m not. Hence the “He’s gone, he’s really gone”. It’s the confirmation, the realization that I’m really not that important to him. I’m realizing that I’ve been used by someone I cared for. By someone I would never hurt. That hurts like hell. I already didn’t have a positive self-image and this definitely doesn’t help with that. Or maybe he’s also thinking of me but is finally respecting my wish to leave me alone because he knows its hurts me? Probably not because he never cared for my feelings before even though I expressed like a hundred times this situation is/was hurting me. Like you said, he’s living his life not hurting or thinking of me. I know that. Auwch.

 

I was in an affair with him for 2.5 years. After 1 year I had enough of it and asked him to leave me alone. For the next 1.5 years he came back every 2 months or so and I caved 2 times and had sex with him. Sometimes I also wonder why I stayed in this affair for so long or that I allowed myself to be pushed away for example. It’s not like he pushed me down the pavement, but still. I wasn't allowed to walk to close near him. I never mentioned to him it hurt me. I just made some space like it was the normal thing to do. I didn’t even got mad. I let him do that to me. After that he came back and I was the sweet girl like always… I know, I know, I had no backbone.

 

I think I allowed it for so long because in my head there was still a chance of a real relationship with him. When the affair just started, he claimed he wanted me. He wanted a future with me. Marriage and a baby. And that seemed so nice. It was the first time a man noticed me and I was already 26 then! I longed for a relationship for like ages and was scared I would never find it. And then there he was. I mean, there was also some interest of a friend of my brother in me, but I wasn’t into him. Now there was somebody into me and I was into him! First time ever! But he was married… but claimed to wanting a divorce… I hesitated, but eventually gave in. I indeed had this fantasy in my head that I would be happy with him. He sure said the right words to feed that fantasy. I had no experience with men and was very naïve.

 

I was ready for a relationship. I wanted a relationship like all my friends and family had. But not just with anyone, but with someone I wanted as well. I was wondering when it would be my turn. I wanted to start my life. I wanted to start a family. It was something I wanted so badly and still want. So I gave in. And all the little breadcrumbs he gave were enough to keep hoping on that relationship, thinking it would make me happy. In the beginning, when MM was still nice, it did make me happy. But now I know that being in a real relationship with him would make me scared. I know what he’s capable of. But there’s something inside me that would still give him a chance if he was single. I don’t know why actually. Maybe the fear that I won’t find anyone better. The fear that I won’t feel this way anymore for someone else and will have to settle. This fear is killing me. I’m in therapy for it. But the idea of never having my own little family with children would make me very unhappy.

 

I have to ask. How do you know he would treat me the same way if I would be the girlfriend? I cannot imagine he treats his wife that way. I mean, they are together for like 8 years! He can’t be that bad towards her I assume? So I would think that if you’re #1, you get a better treatment? I mean, she gets birthday presents, she can kiss him in public, etc. Or maybe it has to do with power? She has a lot of money, he likes money, she has his child. He once said she claimed that he would be nowhere if he didn’t have her…

How do you know he will cheat again? I was apparently the first one he cheated with. It was very easy for him, and he thought it was his right to do so because he wasn’t treated right. I wouldn’t be surprised if he did, but how can you know?

 

I'm also 'glad' I was the one that ended it. I know he and his wife have/had plans to move abroad in the future. I could imagine him telling me this like it would be no big deal. 'See you SSE, I'm gone. But no worries, you will find someone else in no time. Bye bye'. He can so easily discard me, I wouldn't and couldn't go through that again.

 

Thank you all for your replies. I read them several times. Your opinions really help me. I take them with me to therapy. Thank you.

[stillafool]

I'm sorry you're still in pain but I think it would help you not to take a victim's mentality and put all the blame on him. If you don't recognize your poor choices and how that contributed to your pain you will make the same poor choices again. MM does not treat his wife well because he cheated with you and he's probably lying that you are his first affair nor his last. Stay in therapy to move forward. If you are 28 now you still have time to marry and have kids.

[SSE]

I just came back from therapy and had the same discussion with my therapist, stillafool!

 

I know I have a contribution in my own pain due to my poor choices. I should have ignored him much sooner, but I couldn't. I'm still trying to figure out with her what made me stay in this situation for so long so it never happens again in any type of relationship. It was a heavy session today.

 

She also said it's normal to be sad. I'm indeed grieving the loss of a fantasy. And I have to keep in mind that grieving will not take forever. I will feel better someday.

[pepperbird]

op,

you questioned why his wife may stay.

 

The simple answer may be as close as your mirror. She may well stay because, like you, she didn't feel she deserved any better treatment.

 

One of my younger daughter's friends is in that situation. Low self esteem, kind of a nerd. The first guy that came along and showed her some attention and the hope of a romantic relationship, and she was hooked.

 

The thing is that the guy was a loser, and part of him knew it. He started treating her badly, running her down and just plain destroying what little self esteem she had. At first, it was little things, small comments. Over time, it got worse and worse. He'd treat her really badly, but by that time, he'd gotten her believing she deserved it. He had her running in circles, trying to be good enough for him. The thing she didn't understand was that she never could be. That's because his words and behvaior were really about meeting some need in him and had nothing to do with her...not really.

 

While everyone else tried to tell her she should leave him, by that point, it was situation normal for her, and she stayed. Eventually, he got bored and moved on, leaving her to pick up the pieces of her life and esteem.

That how emotional abusers operate. Slowly, over time, they wear a person down. They take what they need, and then move on, not caring how much they hurt the person.

 

You are so lucky to be away from this guy.

[Abetterme]

I just came back from therapy and had the same discussion with my therapist, stillafool!

 

I know I have a contribution in my own pain due to my poor choices. I should have ignored him much sooner, but I couldn't. I'm still trying to figure out with her what made me stay in this situation for so long so it never happens again in any type of relationship. It was a heavy session today.

 

She also said it's normal to be sad. I'm indeed grieving the loss of a fantasy. And I have to keep in mind that grieving will not take forever. I will feel better someday.

 

SSE - I am very glad to see you are in therapy and had this very important discussion today. I think stillafools post was so great as we all need to quit looking at life through a victim lense. Any of us would be lying if we said we’d never done that, but it keeps us stuck.

 

I made a lot of poor choices but they had nothing to do with xMM and everything to do with me. The sooner you focus on what is causing you to feel the way about yourself that allowed you to get into the A in the first place, you will be on track to find the healthy relationship you are looking for.

 

I really think you need to block this man for good. I know it is common nature to wonder if you’ll hear from someone because the sick brain says “it means they care” but for you it is doing the opposite. Do you think you can finally block him today??

[BlindsidedTwice]

I made a lot of poor choices but they had nothing to do with xMM and everything to do with me.

 

THIS!!! Self-reflection can be painful but no more painful than staying stuck.

 

 

In late June, pepperbird posted a response to someone else that said:

 

"Don't you see...what you can't control, you can't change. By trying to blame your mm, even a tiny bit, for your behavior and subsequent heartbreak, you re hurting more than helping yourself. it also continues to allow your ex-mm to have control over you.

For instance, doesn't saying" I screwed up. I did a lot that I shouldn't have and I should have known better. That doesn't mean I am a bad person or can't make good choices. The saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" doesn't have to be true with me. I am intelligent, capable and willing to work hard to heal from this. I am also a good person with a kind heart, and I need to find myself again and I know I can do it" make a lot of sense? It gives you one hell of a lot more power over your life than " MM hurt me so badly and it's his fault". That attitude just keeps him in your mind and heart, and it doesn't sound like that's where you want him to be.

You'll get through this. You just need to find yourself again."

 

 

The part in bold has helped me significantly. I know you are not the cheater in this situation, but you can still adopt a similar attitude to give you power back over your own life. Like pepperbird said, you just need to find yourself again.

[pepperbird]

op,

I know it sounds trite, but it sounds to me like you have a lot going for you, likely far more than you realize. It can be easy to forget that sometimes, but this exercise may help.

Take a piece of paper ( not your computer or phone) and make a list of everything about you that makes you a good relationship partner. Get input from your friends if you need to, and don't be afraid to blow your own horn. Right off, I would include traits like loyalty, kindness, a generous heart and a willingness to engage in introspection. That's just from some stranger on the internet, and I expect the full list will be very long if it's from someone who knows you in person.

 

Once you're done, read it over and over. That's who you are. If he couldn't see it, it's his loss. You'll get through this, even if it sometimes feels like the heartache won't ever end. One day at a time.

[SSE]

Dear pepperbird, thank you for your support! It really means the world to me that a stranger tries to lift me up like that. You even made me cry... Thank you! Thank you everyone for your insights and support.

 

I tried making that list, but it wasn't that easy for me. I don’t think that highly of myself… Maybe I should ask a friend like you proposed.

 

I don’t think he’s that bad as you picture it pepperbird. I actually assume he doesn’t act like that when he’s with his wife. I can’t imagine he’s the sweet, loving husband there, but I also can ‘t imagine he would say such nasty things to her. She has a lot of power in the relationship (I think). There is a lot more at stake if he behaves badly towards her (money, child). I think he behaved like that to me because he could. Nothing at stake with me.

 

Do you think he would continue to behave like that towards me if I should be the girlfriend instead of the OW? Do you really think he’s an emotional abuser? That sounds so harsh. I admit, I have difficulty seeing him in a bad light. Even after everything he said and did.

[SSE]

I knew I deserved better treatment, but I couldn’t stop with it because I was scared. Finally I had a connection with a man. It took me 26 years! Finally I could have a chance to start a life, to start a family. I really wanted and still want that. I wanted that so bad that I let myself being used. I admit I was and still am lonely. Even with the bad treatment, even with all the hurt (I cried every time on my way back home after a meeting) I stayed because maybe, just maybe, there was a (little) change he came to me and we could start a real relationship. I think he knew that.

 

He is blocked by the way. He can only reach me if he uses another number.

 

Wednesday evening I had a date. It was a nice evening but at the end he hugged me quite intense. I didn’t like it but I allowed it to not disappoint him. I didn’t want to lose a potential partner. When I drove home, I realized it was the same as with MM. When MM asked to perform oral sex on him for the first time, I wasn’t ready, but I did it anyway because I was so scared to lose him. The hug was a similar situation. I realized it and sent my date a text I didn’t like the hug. He apologized but also said I could have stopped him right there. And that I should have said something. I’m glad I sent him the text. I guess I’m learning. My boundaries are also important, even if that means I could lose a potential partner.

 

But I have to admit I’m still at the beginning of that learning process. I very often am really scared I will never find a partner and will never have my own children. I’m taking anti-anxiety meds for it. This doomsday scenario really controls my thoughts. Even at work I’m scared I will end up alone. It’s difficult focusing. Sometimes I even start crying because I really don’t want to end up without a partner and children. I think they would make me very happy… I don’t know how to control that fear. I hate it that I’m living in fear. For several years now, even before I met MM. But the fear wasn’t that bad then because I was younger. My dating life adds to that fear. I dated 5 guys so far, but none of them seems a good match. None of them gives me the feeling that MM gave me. This makes me sad actually. Will it be impossible to find that feeling again with someone else? Will I have to settle or will I be doomed to end up single forever? Pffft…

[BTDT2012]

SSE, you are so young. Work on being your best you. Figure out who you are, and be happy with that young woman. Whole and healthy attracts whole and healthy. Perhaps you should declare a moratorium on dating for a bit. I wish you well.

[Abetterme]

SSE - I appreciate you want a partner and family, but you are doing yourself a massive disservice by comparing future partners to xMM. The elicit nature of the relationship and stolen moments make the intensity really difficult to match. Ultimately I don’t think that’s what you want. You want a partner who sees you for all you can offer. Who is stable and trustworthy. Keep your eye on that fact.

 

In my line of work I am responsive for a sales quota. Some quarters things are rolling, others can be very challenging. When this happens I see peers hyper-stressing, getting over sensitive, getting desperate and prospects can sense it. In other words, when you try to force something it is a turn off and lots of deals are lost this way. I think this is true of life in many ways. Have faith that the good will come. Not every deal or potential date is going to be “a win” but it is part of the learning process.

 

And I’m sorry, but YES! this man is that terrible. He treated you like he treats women. It doesn’t matter if you are the OW, the girlfriend, or the wife. He’s horrible and you deserve far better. It is painful watching you demean yourself and the testament you should receive because of the role you chose to take in his life. I hope this is something you can work on in therapy.

[mark clemson]

I knew I deserved better treatment, but I couldn’t stop with it because I was scared. Finally I had a connection with a man. It took me 26 years!

 

 

Consider trying to find a good dating coach or similar. I assume you are in IC since you mention anxiety.

 

As they say, try not to let your worries (about not having a family) become a "self-fulfilling prophecy" or similar. I'm not female but if you could try an approach where you are "confident, flirty, dress well" and dropping some indirect hints on available men you should be able to get some reactions. Many men are extremely horny creatures and very interested once they know they might have a chance with you.

 

Not every man will be attracted, but some will be. Don't worry about those who aren't into you - you only need to "land" one good one. Definitely pass on the ones who don't treat you right as well.

[elaine567]

Wednesday evening I had a date. It was a nice evening but at the end he hugged me quite intense. ...When MM asked to perform oral sex on him for the first time I wasn’t ready, but I did it anyway because I was so scared to lose him. The hug was a similar situation. I realized it and sent my date a text I didn’t like the hug. He apologized but also said I could have stopped him right there. And that I should have said something.

 

This was not a boundary, this was madness...

It was a hug not a bj...

If you can't stomach a hug, then do not date.

[stillafool]

I agree with Elaine, you're not ready to date. Also boundaries would be stopping him before he hugs you if you aren't ready. I doubt you'll have to worry about that guy again.

[SSE]

It was a very intense hug, he didn't let go when I did. I have no problem with a 'normal' hug, that's why I allowed it, but this hug was intense. Hugging like that with someone I barely know is uncomfortable for me. He asked for a second date, we will see how it goes.

 

I slept not well last night. I woke up and started to cry. I'm alone. I was also alone when being with MM, but now I'm really alone. I miss having a partner. It scares me. Dating isn't easy and I'm afraid I will never find a good partner. That I will never have my own children. This fear is controlling me. What if my fear comes true and I end up all alone? I hate that I'm feeling this way and can't enjoy my life anymore. Around me I see happy couples, cute children,... I want that as well. What's wrong with me that I just can't see it happening for myself?

[BlindsidedTwice]

This fear is controlling me. What if my fear comes true and I end up all alone? I hate that I'm feeling this way and can't enjoy my life anymore. Around me I see happy couples, cute children,... I want that as well. What's wrong with me that I just can't see it happening for myself?

 

Your future is not pre-planned. You have control. You get to make your own decisions. (Especially now that you’ve blocked MM! Congrats on that move!)

 

I know you want a partner ASAP, but right now, you are not your best self. What are some other things that make you happy? Do you like yoga? Or running? Or cycling? Swimming? Dancing? Exercise works wonders. Do you like gardening? Reading? Knitting? Trying out new make up or hairstyles? Drawing? Painting? Taking a class? Did any of that spark a little interest?

 

You can still find a partner, probably when you least suspect it. So try to focus on any of the other things that could potentially make you feel happy. You deserve to be happy. (And when you start feeling happier, you can then attract someone else who is also happy and healthy! It’s a win win!)

[BTDT2012]

I slept not well last night. I woke up and started to cry. I'm alone. I was also alone when being with MM, but now I'm really alone. I miss having a partner. It scares me. Dating isn't easy and I'm afraid I will never find a good partner. That I will never have my own children. This fear is controlling me. What if my fear comes true and I end up all alone? I hate that I'm feeling this way and can't enjoy my life anymore. Around me I see happy couples, cute children,... I want that as well. What's wrong with me that I just can't see it happening for myself?

 

 

You never had a partner, you had a part time relationship with another woman's husband. Stop the negative self-talk. Having a partner and children is no guarantee of happiness.

[SSE]

I joined the gym because I'm overweight. I lost 10 pounds. It's not much, still 20 to go, but it's a start. I decided to join the badminton team of the town where I live. Long time since I played, but I use to love it.

 

Off course I didn't mean MM when I spoke about a partner. I know he wasn't my partner. I mean I miss having someone to share intimacy with and to do nice things with. To go on a holiday, to grab a bite to eat, etc. Out in the open, not as a secret. I do these things also with my friends, but it's not the same. I never had a partner and I'm probably over-romanticizing it, but that seems pretty great to me. I also love children. Maybe it's not a guarantee of happiness but it looks like that for my environment and for me.

[anika99]

It was a very intense hug, he didn't let go when I did. I have no problem with a 'normal' hug, that's why I allowed it, but this hug was intense. Hugging like that with someone I barely know is uncomfortable for me. He asked for a second date, we will see how it goes.

 

Oh yeah, I've had guy do the same and it's totally creepy. When 2 people are hugging and one let's go that sends a clear message that the hug is over and if the other person continues to hold on then they are overstepping. Good for you for speaking up. If you are going to go for a 2nd date with him then it's good that you have let him know in advance how you feel about what he did.

 

Also good for you for losing some weight and starting a new activity. Those kind of things will help you move on. It won't feel like it at first when the pain is still raw but it will eventually get better and having new goals and activities will speed up the process although just a tiny bit at first. However there is some truth to the saying "fake it till you make it".

[BlindsidedTwice]

I decided to join the badminton team of the town where I live. Long time since I played, but I use to love it.

 

What a great decision! Another step in the right direction.

 

Remember that confidence is so attractive. Your self esteem is low right now but as you focus and love yourself, you will rise and glow (and everyone, including a future partner, will notice.)

 

Keep going.