He's really gone this time

[Abetterme]

Op - I am sorry you’re having a rough day. This man preyed on you. Someone he could immediately identify as inexperienced and needing improved self-esteem. I don’t care if he is married or single, someone like this should be viewed as a predator who used you for his need fulfillment only. He is a very broken person. The sooner you see him as such, the sooner you will recover.

 

Please do not give him the ego of boost if hearing how miserable you are. He doesn’t deserve someone like you giving him a speck of thought.

 

Tomorrow is a new day....you will get through following many of the suggestions the many posters here have provided. It should tell you something that a board full of strangers care more about your well-being than this jerk!

[SSE]

Thanks for your replies.

 

My mum is diagnosed with cancer. Stage I. She underwent surgery this week. The surgery went fine. Doctors are hopeful.

 

I was in a car accident last week. I'm left with a painful neck, nothing too serious.

 

One of my best friends gave birth to a baby boy and another one got engaged.

 

And I? I miss MM. I go on dates, but they don't go well. Not really a connection with anyone. I really miss him. Only the good memories off course, not the hurtful comments and the fact he always abandoned me for her. He's gone enjoying life with her (I checked her fb, was a long time since I'd done that) and I'm alone. It still hurts so much that sometimes I wish I wasn't here anymore. All the pain and sadness would be gone. It takes so long before I feel better... I don't know if this is normal.

[BaileyB]

I really miss him. Only the good memories off course, not the hurtful comments and the fact he always abandoned me for her..

 

I’m glad they caught the cancer early and that she is getting good treatment. Sorry to hear about your car accident and I hear what you are saying about your friends joyous celebrations.

 

As per the comment above, I too would like to remember only the good days, play more than work, and sleeping all the time instead of setting an alarm every morning but... such is life. You can’t dismiss the bad and only live the good. If you insist on doing this, then that is a recipe for unhappiness indeed.

 

Call your counsellor to make an appointment. Go for a walk. This too shall pass, try not to spiral down...

[jah526]

OP,

 

You can't really know how he feels. FB is not an accurate representation of life. I keep in mind the story someone told about posting a picture of herself smiling on a ski slope. Looking at that picture you'd have thought she was the happiest person in the world. Not pictured: 5 minutes before she'd been crying her eyes out.

 

Also keep in mind that these guys are cake eaters and are never satisfied. It's like there's a gaping void in their souls that can never be filled in - not by you, not by their wives, not by anyone or anything. If anything, they are to be pitied.

[BaileyB]

When one of my friends was asking her husband for a divorce, he was posting tons of pics on Facebook of him and his kids on happy adventures - life looked grand!

 

Facebook is seldom a reflection of what is happening in someone’s life...

[mark clemson]

It takes so long before I feel better... I don't know if this is normal.

 

 

Glad to hear that your Mom's surgery was successful.

 

Yes, break up blues often take months to get over unfortunately. If it's true limerence it will be even more intense and probably take even a few months longer. But for the vast majority it eventually fades. Your brain apparently actually adjusts in various ways (such as creating fewer receptors for certain types of neurotransmitters) but this take a long time.

 

And that's probably by nature's design - your genes programmed to possibly get you to allow one more shot at reproduction from this formerly acceptable partner, etc. But your genes don't care about how you feel. You do. And as you rationally know any caving now will just retrigger feelings and intensify and prolong the distress.

 

Sadly you just have to make the best of things and wait it out. Take steps to ease the distress (posted in various threads around here). Hopefully sooner or later one of these new men will trigger a better response in you.

[BTDT2012]

So glad your mom's surgery was successful. It takes time to feel better. You don't have to date right now. Get stronger within yourself; broken attracts broken. You are whole, whether or not you have a partner.

[BaileyB]

Just read a quote that reminded me of you, “If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow.”

[SSE]

Hello all,

It’s been a while…

First all my best wishes to all of you. I hope this year may bring you everything you ever wished for, but most of all a good health and a peace of mind because being the other is not an easy position to be in…

I still struggle with everything that happened, and I still go to therapy. About 2 months ago, I met someone online. We hit it off right away, but I have my doubts about the relationship. He wants to open a bar with his father. I have a 9 to 5 job. When would I see him? I know it’s early to think about it, but I’m turning 30 and I don’t want to lose any time on someone who wouldn’t be compatible. But the thing that concerns me the most, are the comments he made about my weight. He often tells me he loves my character and that I have a pretty face, but he has difficulties with my weight. The reason he went further with me is because I go to the gym. But apparently I don’t lose the weight fast enough because recently he gave me the number of a dietitian he consulted… I was offended and told him so. MM also made comments about my weight, and I just ignored them even though they hurt me, but I don’t do that anymore. My boyfriend apologized, but I don’t know what to do. I am losing weight but at my pace. It wasn’t easy for me focusing on losing weight with my mom being sick and still dealing with the sadness of the situation with MM. It’s not because I have a boyfriend now that the sadness is gone, unfortunately. Anyway, I will ask advice about my boyfriend in another forum.

It’s been more than a year since I’ve seen MM and about 7 months since I’ve heard from him until January 7th this year. I got a text from an unknown number, wishing me the best for 2020. I sent a text back, asking who it was and wishing them also the best for the new year. I got a text back, saying: ‘Well, that’s nice of you. So much for us being ex co-workers. Greetings, MM’. (English isn’t my native tongue but apparently he was upset I didn’t know who he was). The last thing I sent him 7 months earlier was that we weren’t friends (as he often claimed we were) and that I wanted to be left alone. I don’t know why he sent the text. Maybe he wanted to be kind? I don’t know. I deleted it and didn’t reply. But even that small amount of contact made me anxious and sad. All the pain and bad memories came back just from some stupid meaningless texts. And also the tone in his text… He’s offended? I don’t need this in my life anymore. I’m still not healed…

[mark clemson]

He may have been re-trying to start the "friendship". Possibly with a goal to restarting the affair, who can say. It's definitely too bad it triggered things for you again.

Kinda stupid to not realize you have other friends who could have changed their numbers and be texting you. Duh.

If you were doing ok before the text came then you'll probably be ok within a few days or shortly thereafter. Hope that is the case + don't worry too much. I think you probably drove him off, at least for a good while.

[SSE]

I just reread all the nasty comments MM made. I once typed them out. 7 pages long.

I’m having a rough day. I miss MM. I cannot help it, I miss him terribly. I’m thinking how it must be to meet each other again. We haven’t seen each other for more than over a year now. I have a new BF, but I’m not in love with him. Not like I was with MM. I know MM only wanted sex from me and didn’t care about or love me, but I loved him. I really did. And still do. And I don’t want that anymore.

Yesterday night I woke up from a dream. I was attending a wedding. A wedding from MM and his wife! They remarried right in front of me. Big, happy love. I woke up from this dream with pain in my chest. I started crying at 3 am.

I don’t even know why I miss him. He wasn’t that nice or sweet to me, he made nasty comments of 7 pages long. He hurt me a lot. But still, I entertain the idea of meeting him again. I won’t though, because I’m afraid that will lead to 8 pages of nasty comments… Maybe I miss the feeling of being in love which I don’t have with my current boyfriend? I definitely don’t miss the crying in my car after we had sex and he abandoned me again…

As for the current boyfriend, I don’t know if he’s a right fit for me or that I’m a good match for him. But I’m too scared to call it quits. He isn’t a bad guy, but sometimes it feels like I’m settling because I’m not in love with him. But I don’t know if I’ll ever be in love with anyone else than MM honestly (that feeling is hard to find I notice) and I’m going to be 30 this year. It feels like I don’t have that time anymore to find someone else that gives me butterflies. Do you even need the butterflies to have a good relationship?

[vla1120]

First, don't settle. I understand wanting the distraction of having a boyfriend to try to help you get over the MM, but just the fact that he has mentioned your weight is a reason to kick him to the curb, IMO. 

The MM did a real number on your self-esteem. Keep reading those nasty comments from him to remind yourself how poorly he treated you. It's good that you typed them out. I keep a journal and it really helps me when I am going through a tough time. When you start missing him, look back on those nasty comments. Remember how you felt when you were sitting alone in your car, crying, after he finished using you.

You are young and have plenty of time to meet someone. You should take this time for yourself. Go to the gym, lose the weight, get in shape for YOU - and no one BUT you. Once you start feeling better about yourself and disregarding the things these men have said about you that make you feel self-conscious, you'll feel more confident. When you exude confidence, you'll attract a man who will be more worthy of your attention. Like L'oreal - because you're worth it!!

[mark clemson]

Your brain chemistry may not be right to have the same intensity of emotion (limerence) for quite some time. Your brain adjusts and produces fewer dopamine receptors, etc. I believe it's not realistic to expect that same chest hurting, waking up and crying over someone you can't have level of intensity anytime soon (and BTW, I've been there). "Settling" for a normal, healthy, happy, fun, loving relationship isn't settling at all. It's normal.

Limerence is something you get a few times in a lifetime and it's associated with "interference" in a relationship (such as an affair or being apart) rather than a normal one. But normal relationships are how families and kids get done. Don't go getting hooked on limerence (and yes, it is like a drug in some ways). That's a road to wasting your life pining over someone you can't have (and even worse who, in you particular case, is nasty to you as well).

[SSE]

Hello all,

I wanted to give an update. After the text with New Year I heard nothing more from MM and I guess this will stay that way. I still have a relationship with the man I told in a previous post about, but I feel this will come to an end. I don’t love him (anymore). There’s another man interested in me, I’ve known him for a while and I know he’s a very good man, but there’s this thing. I still have this heartache inside of me.

Yesterday I reread the last message I sent to MM before going NC. It said: ‘ I still love you, but I can’t do this anymore. Every time you leave me and go back to her, my heart breaks into a million pieces. I don’t want that anymore. Please leave me alone if you want to stay with her. Leave me alone so I can heal and move on. Leave me alone so I don’t have any more pain.’ I started crying… It still affects me that someone I loved so much treated me this way 😢

I have not seen him for almost 1.5 years (it seems so long!) and still I have the feeling I love him… And I don’t know why. He didn’t love me. He wanted me to sleep with other men and have my own life while occasionally sleeping with him. It’s been 1.5 years. I’m sure he’s not thinking about me and living his life. I want that as well. Rationally I know it’s better without MM in my life, but sometimes I wish he came back. That I was not that young chick that he could get whenever he wanted, but that I meant something more to him… That I wasn’t worthless and replaceable. Emotionally, I still want him. For a real relationship. And that’s something that isn’t going to happen. I have to let go, but I still think about him… Why do I still long for someone that only wants me for sex?? For someone that hurt me so badly??

The love I felt for MM was real and pure. He was my first love. I already was in love with him months before the affair started, and my love only got intensified while being in the affair due to the push/pull. I can’t go back to that. What I felt/feel for my current boyfriend is not of that amount, not even the amount before MM and I started the affair. Also, for the other guy that I’ve known for a while, I don’t have any feelings… But I know he’s a great catch! He’s had a bad breakup too and now he’s talking about other girls… Somewhere I don’t want to lose a great guy to another girl, but those feelings... I still have this pain in my heart and it seems like it’s preventing me to fall in love again… Does that make sense? I don't want that though... 

[BaileyB]

You will let go of that pain in your heart only when it becomes more painful to keep it than to let it go and move on and find a different happiness.

You are clearly still getting something from holding on to this relationship. And that is obviously keeping you for moving forward and living your best life. 

Of course you won’t feel he same in your current relationship - unhealthy relationships and extramarital affairs lead to intense feelings. If you are measuring your current relationship by the same barometer as your affair, you are destined to fail in any relationship. Stop idealizing it - he was an abusive man who took advantage of your vulnerability. Your feelings may have felt “real and pure” but the fact that you felt this way about such a terrible man should be very concerning to you, not a source of heartache and loss.

Edited March 6, 2020 by BaileyB

[Amethyst68]

I don't say this to be mean or to hurt you or even to be flippant but IMHO I think you've gone past love and entered into the obsession stage. I don't mean you're stalking him or anything like that but you're clinging onto him so tight in your mind (and feelings) because of the anxiety you feel about letting him go. I don't know if you're in IC but it's definitely worth having a read about.

[SSE]

I don’t know why I hold on to that relationship. What I do know is that even after 1.5 years I still feel pain and sadness over what happened. My heart was really broken. I don’t stalk him and it’s been ages since I’ve checked the social media (it hurts too much). I admit I sometimes hope he will realize he does love me and will come back. I know rationally this isn’t going to happen. All the things he said and did proved he didn’t love me. I don’t know why I can’t face the reality. I don’t have much self-esteem and it’s extremely hurtful realizing you were disposable. A hole that needed to be filled (it still baffles me that some men think like that).

Maybe I need him coming back as a sign I am worth it? That I am good enough (for him)? That I’m not just a hole… My therapist and friends tell me I am worth it, but somehow I think I want to be worthy in his eyes (as that makes sense?).

A couple of days ago I had this urge to send him a text message. I wanted to know if he’s all right during these times with the virus. I hesitated a lot, but after having a discussion with my bestie, I didn’t send a text. He never cared about your well-being, she said, not during the affair and not after it. He couldn’t care less you were hurting. He couldn’t care less if you were sick. Don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing you still care about him. It made me cry because I know she’s right. Why do I still care?? 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, SSE said:

Maybe I need him coming back as a sign I am worth it? That I am good enough (for him)? That I’m not just a whole… My therapist and friends tell me I am worth it, but somehow I think I want to be worthy in his eyes (as that makes sense?). 

The day that you decide you are worthy is the day that you won’t need the validation of your therapist, your friends, or this worthless excuse of a man. 

That is what you need to work on. 

Edited March 19, 2020 by BaileyB

[SSE]

Hello all,

I hope everyone is well during these awful times.

I did the stupidest thing. I felt an enormous urge to text MM (his new phone number was still in my log) and so I did. I wanted to hear him. The chat was quite casual until he asked if I wanted to meet again. And if I would want him if he's single. I said yes to both questions… After the chat my stomach turned and I had to vomit. Like my body was trying to tell me something.

I feel so stupid now. I’m so mad at myself. I’m too ashamed to tell this to a friend and I cannot go to therapy now because of the virus, so I’m turning here. I reread my threads on LS, I reread the 7 pages of awful things he said to me and still I run to him. I don’t get it. I don’t get myself. I’ve had so much pain because of my bad decisions and now I’m doing it again? He only wanted me for sex, there is no happy future there. And still I fall for his s***. Hoping he has changed, but knowing actually he’s playing me again. And I let him!!! What’s wrong with me? Am I crazy? Is this recognizable for anyone? Please don’t be too harsh, I know I’m the biggest fool ever. I just don’t understand myself. It’s like I don’t want to see he has not changed. Can someone give me some advice? Has anyone went through something similar? 

[Bittersweetie]

SSE,

You've actually learned something from this experience...you've learned how you will feel if you do reach out and you do chat. How do you feel now? You mention ashamed, stupid, sick. Those aren't good feelings...this man does not make you feel good feelings. Now you know that and can take those facts into consideration before you take action another time.

Also, try thinking of something to do instead for when you get an urge to reach out again. Like, watch your favorite movie. You say, the next time I want to reach out, I'm going to watch that movie. Have an action plan you can turn to in order to get over the hump. If you have a plan beforehand it's easier to follow than trying to come up with something in the moment. Be prepared.

[Difficultstuff]

You're being really hard on yourself in your last post. It's understandable, if your feelings were so strong, that you might still want to reach out even after so long. I very much recognize that impulse.

But yes, you're right - it definitely seems your body was trying to tell you something! I've been there too, in terms of feeling physically sick and nauseous about someone or things I've said to them that made me feel I'd been weak, while also still dwelling on or wanting to relive happier memories. It's helped me to separate off in my mind the happy times (which were lovely) from all the BS around them, which wasn't.

I agree with @Bittersweetie that it'd be best to take it as a learning experience - and you've already made it a long way. But I'd also say to delete/block his number - as you said, there's 'no happy future' here unless he changes drastically, which doesn't feel or look likely.

Take care.

[BaileyB]

You did learn something from this experience. I hope that you will remember this lesson, because for those who do not learn from history, it has a way of repeating itself. 

He now knows that he still has you right where he wants you. That must have felt pretty good to him. No doubt, he was very pleased by your call. 

Don’t ever give him that satisfaction again. 

[mark clemson]

You had a relapse, a moment of weakness, perhaps not unlike drug addicts sometimes do?

In line with other suggestions above, realize it was a mistake and walk away (again). It's hard, but it's doable.

The COVID situation prevents him from hunting for OOWs to be your replacement right now, but based on everything you're written I have little doubt that's what he's been doing during your NC. I agree he must have been happy to hear from you. If it weren't for COVID, he might not have bothered to respond.

The bottom line is you need to stay firm. Don't worry about the relapse, just let it go. COVID will eventually end and you will be able to seek a truly available partner.

[SSE]

I dared to tell it to my best friend. I felt so ashamed, but she was not judgmental. She was disappointed that I went back to such a source of pain in my life. I still don’t know what the trigger was that made me want to contact him. For 1.5 years I had no desire to contact him, my mind was stronger than my feelings. I still loved him in a way, but I was done. And look what I do now… I know I’m unhappy because I don’t have a fulfilling relationship in my life, something I really crave. In the first 3 months of the affair, I felt that happy, being in love feeling. Now with COVID I feel more lonely than ever, even though I’m not alone because I still live with my parents. I also know I don’t want him to be sick or even worse die of COVID. The last thing I said to him (before our recent chat) was that I wanted him to leave me alone. Not something nice. Maybe all those things made me want to reach out (I’m trying to understand myself now I don’t have therapy)?

I don’t know if MM will be interested in meeting again after COVID because I’m reading now in the news that this is a time that brings families closer together. If he still would be interested, there’s a part of me that wants to meet again. He said he had missed me and still thinks of me fondly, he texted a lot of hearts during the chat…. And I’m a sucker and fell for it so I agreed to meet. I don’t know if I will give in to that part of me that wants to meet again. I have some time to think about it. I know he will leave me alone for some time now. 

Rationally I know that meeting isn’t a good thing. The history with this man has proven it was a source of pain for me. But still, if there would be a small chance that he wanted me for a real relationship, I would take it. And that’s something I don’t understand. After everything that has happened. Is it because of the feelings I associate with him? But besides some good memories, I have a lot of bad ones. It just doesn’t seem to make sense that I want to go back to that. But why am I doing it anyway? Why haven’t I learned from history? I don’t want to go through that pain again. The pain that affair caused is still not completely gone. And yet I’m thinking of seeing him again. It just doesn’t sound logical. Or is there no logical explanation for it? Can anyone help me understand? Or did anyone else went through something similar? 

[BaileyB]

It is a stressful time, you are stressed and you are lonely so you went back to something that made you feel safe and loved. 

The problem is, this man is an abuser but you see him as your safe place. Really let that sink in. 

Establishing contact or meeting this man again would be a very, very bad idea. As to the fantasy that you still have, that he will someday leave his wife and find himself single and/or available to have a relationship with you, that hasn’t happened in the past year since you ended the affair - it’s not going to happen.

And if you think meeting him again for sex is going to somehow change his mind about his marriage, you can think again. Imagine, you vomited after you talked to him. How will you feel after you see this man? 

You don’t know why you are doing this - it’s because you still get something from holding onto the fantasy you’ve created around this terrible man. You are STILL not ready to let him go, so you don’t.

You asked HIM to leave you alone - but he has done that. YOU are the one that can’t let this go. He is just the happy beneficiary of a rather unexpected opportunity - the possibility that you may offer yourself up for some no strings attached extramarital sex again. Lucky guy - he didn’t even have to put any effort into it, you came back to him...

I feel badly for you, because I do believe that you are fighting a war with yourself. But as such, you are the only person who can decide to stop doing this. You need to stop this loop that runs through your mind, focusing on this man as your salvation, your happy place. You do this to yourself, and I hope that someday you find a way to stop because this behaviour is nothing if not self destructive...
 

Edited April 8, 2020 by BaileyB