He's really gone this time

[Bittersweetie]

My signature is "what you allow is what will continue." I originally considered it in the context of how people treat us. Then I realized it covered much more territory. Like, how we treat people. How we control our thoughts (like, if I keep thinking X+Y=Z, then that's what will continue without me considering other solutions). It even describes actions, like if I allow myself to keep eating ten chocolate chip cookies at a time, then I'll keep eating all those darn cookies! 

Basically it is saying we have agency over ourselves and our choices. Yes, things happen that are out of our control. But we do have control on how we react to it. Like I've been pretty much homebound for the past two months like many others. I could've bitched and moaned about it the whole time. Instead I recognize it's hard and look for positives...like, I always wanted to try growing out my hair. I wanted to start sewing again (though not masks...). 

Will this change of thought process happen overnight? Of course not. You have to work at it. My second grader has a classroom saying, "I will train my brain to do this." You need to train your brain to think differently, just like I did. I used to focus on everything I didn't have which led me to some really bad choices. Like, you keep saying you will never feel this way for anyone else. Well, if you keep telling yourself that, then it's true. But really, is it? Of course not. You have control. From what I've read here, I think you can do this, grow and change. Maybe you're scared of the unknown? Heck yeah it's scary, changing your coping skills and outlook on life. I've been there. But it was worth it, and I think you're worth it. 

[SSE]

I'm exhausted if I'm being honest. I don't sleep well and I'm way behind with work. I also work during the weekends because I'm too distracted to work good during the working day. So I need to catch up during the weekends. Coming weekend, there's a long weekend, but not for me I'm afraid. Yes, I read all your contributions, but I'm not in a good place to try them out. I need some rest, especially in my mind, but I don't have the time to rest because I don't want to lose my job. So please, keep posting when I'm acting crazy again. I read them and I know I have to change my thinking, because other wise, I think I will be stuck in this place forever. I will reread your posts when I have my appointment with my therapist at the end of this month. However, I don't follow CBT, it's analytical therapy I think. She doesn't give me concrete tips to change my way of thinking. 

I'm also really sad. I will probably never hear or see him again and that gives me a sad feeling because I love him. I know that's the best for me because never seeing or hearing him again means no more additional hurt and pain. He doesn't love/want me. But it also means I have to give up someone who's important to me in some way. I did date after MM, I think I met about 20 guys before I met my ex-boyfriend. I wasn't really in love with him, but he was the only one out of those 20 where I hit it off with in some way. 

You ask me what my dreams are? The first thing I come up with is that I long for a good love in my life and finally be happy. I see all my friends happy coupled up and it hurts. They all find love and I can't seem to find it. This summer I will attend yet another wedding all by myself. MM gave me that feeling of being in love for the first and only time in my life and I find that extremely hard to let go. Even though it wasn't mutual and he used it to get sex. Although he knew I longed for a good relationship. Something I still struggle with as well.

I'm so sick and tired of being the only one who's single. I don't know if you know that feeling, but it sucks big time. I've been single almost my entire adult life. That's a long time without love. It's nice being with someone and making plans for the future. Getting a house. Starting with children. 

Because I so long for that feeling, it seems that the only way out of this pain would be being together with the man I love... But, yes... Or another way to stop feeling so dreadful, would be to kill myself. Can't say it doesn't cross my mind, but I know it would also kill my mom. But the pain I already feel for such a long time would be gone. I don't know if my life will get any better, honestly. I don't know if I'll ever find love. I know MM wouldn't mind though if I would be dead. The man I love wouldn't mind if I wouldn't be here anymore...Great feeling. I am really a stupid cow. 

Edited May 19, 2020 by SSE

[assertives]

2 hours ago, SSE said:

Yes, I read all your contributions, but I'm not in a good place to try them out.

This is what I meant about being intentional, about wanting something badly enough to actually do something about it. If only you could channel just a fraction of that intense focus, commitment and energy you expend in obsessing about MM, his wife and his marriage and staying in pain onto healing, letting go and moving on, you'll find that you'll start to feel better. But despite what you say, I think you don't want change. You don't actually want outside of this hell that you are living. You are like that frog in boiling water, adapting to the discomfort from the ever growing heat of the boiling water and refused to get out of the boiling water.

You are not just unwilling to put in the hard work to get out of the pit, you are totally unwilling to move at all. You have all the time, mental and emotional energy to expend wallowing in self-pity, and you say you have no energy/time to work on whatever posters on here have suggested. What if I told you that working on focusing your thoughts elsewhere, on healing, moving on and letting go will be a more fruitful exercise and is less exhausting and draining than this vicious cycle you are in? You have to believe, want it for yourself, and take sincere and honest steps working towards that. Otherwise, no matter how many advice you get on here, how many therapy sessions you go to, nothing's going to change. Your therapist cannot help you if you are unwilling to help yourself.

Edited May 19, 2020 by assertives

[BaileyB]

You have a lot of work to do before you are ready for a relationship. You may want a relationship and believe that it will solve all of your problems, but you are not a good partner for a relationship right now because you are not in an emotionally healthy place. 

Your happiness will NOT be found in a relationship. And if you want to find happiness, you need to find some dreams for yourself that you can actually achieve. And by that I mean, YOUR life goal should not be dependent on OTHER people. If this is your only goal in life, if this is the only way you believe you will find happiness, you are going to be very disappointed... 

Edited May 19, 2020 by BaileyB

[SSE]

Almost 2 years ago I finally had the courage to firmly tell him to leave me alone. I was done. I deleted all his contact info. That already took me almost 2.5 years. 

A hard time followed. I missed our interactions, but I couldn't handle any more contact. Too painfull.

After 2 months of NC I started dating again. I tried my best to forget him, and to move on. But I kept missing that feeling he gave me. Still do. 

Do you mean I need to find something else to fill in that huge gap that MM left behind? It didn't help to fill it with another man. But maybe that was the wrong man? 

I'm also really scared to stop dating. Because I want to have kids someday. I'm going to be 30 this year, it's not like I have that much time left. I feel pressure. 

[BaileyB]

48 minutes ago, SSE said:

Do you mean I need to find something else to fill in that huge gap that MM left behind? It didn't help to fill it with another man.

YOU need to fill that huge gap. YOU! Not a man. YOU! 

Truth be told, he was but one part of your life. IF he left a huge gap in your life then you created the gap by placing more value on this man than you should, and because you have absolutely NOTHING else too focus on in your life that brings you joy.

As they say, when put all your eggs in one basket...

Look, you seem to think that you have the market cornered in singledom sadness - you don’t. There are millions of singletons out there, disappointed that they haven’t found their love or let down by their relationship. I have said it before and I will say it again - I was you, I was single when my friends married and had kids. It’s hard, it can sometimes be very lonely and very painful. But there are worse things in the world than being single - I would suggest that how you are living right now is worse. There are many single people in this world who are without a relationship - and a still manage to find personal happiness! You seem to take an experience that can be sad and frustrating and turn it into absolute misery! THAT is your problem - not that you are single, rather that YOU CREATE this experience for yourself of being absolutely MISERABLE, as a single person in this world. 

I am now “happily” partnered and I’ll let you in on a little secret - not a single day goes by that I don’t wish at least sometime during the day that I was still living the single life. Sure, he has a few good moments but relationships are HARD. I am currently following the advice of Michelle Obama who wrote in her book, about the day she took Barack Obama to counselling hoping the marriage counsellor was going to tell him all the things he was doing wrong... “What are you doing to find your own happiness? If you want to be happy in your life, make it happen. It’s not his job.” Which is why I say, if you are miserable now you are going to be miserable in a relationship. Every single person has the responsibility to find their own happiness, to manage their own mental health. So, do what you need to do and get yourself together. Enough of this self pity. It will get you nowhere...

Edited May 19, 2020 by BaileyB

[Bittersweetie]

SSE, one of the main things I learned from my affair is that the only person responsible for my happiness is me. I thought my husband was responsible for my happiness and when he wasn't delivering, I looked elsewhere. Actually, it was not his job to make me happy, and some man isn't make all your happiness dreams come true either. I am responsible for my own happiness, just like you are responsible for your own happiness. Other people can enhance our happiness, but the heart of happiness comes from ourselves.

Also, I think assertives has a point in regards to you not making changes. I get the feeling you are waiting for the "right time" to do all the hard work, a time when you feel strong enough and healthy enough and all the stars are lined up the right way. Okay...so I did all my hard work after my d-day,. My H was angry and disgusted with me and I saw that on his face daily. I was trying to work on my thesis for graduate school so I could finish my degree and get a job. My self-esteem and confidence was in the gutter as a result of my choices. And I had no idea whether my H and I were going to make it past this.

So was that an ideal time? God no. I was a mess. But I made the decision to work on changing, looked down, and put one foot in front of the other. I wasn't looking ahead at the horizon...I couldn't handle that. It was too much. I just looked down at my own two feet. There's never going to be a "right time" to decide to make changes. You have to just decide to commit and get started.

Edited May 19, 2020 by Bittersweetie

[SSE]

Just got a call from MM. 

Asked him something about his child. Told me he had another one last year. Apparently his wife was messing with her birth control pills and tricked him...

This also means that when he wanted to meet me last year, she was already pregnant... 

I felt sick. Told him that I made a mistake of having contact again. Told him I don't want to meet anymore and I don't want further contact. 

Deleted his contact info. Can't take this anymore 😢

[BaileyB]

35 minutes ago, SSE said:

Asked him something about his child. Told me he had another one last year. Apparently his wife was messing with her birth control pills and tricked him...

Well, that’s what he said happened...

Either way, she is at home caring for his two children, and he’s still out looking for sex. 

Not a good guy. Not at all. 

[Amethyst68]

You know I'm not so sure you do love this man. I think in your mind this man is everything your father and brother say you can't get, that you'll never get. You've built him up so much, he's rich, successful, 'handsome', 'sexy' etc and if you can get him you'll have won.

The only problem is he already belongs to someone else but you've invested so much of your emotional life and time into him that you can't let go. If you do in your mind they'll be right. All you've done is stopped yourself from opening up to new growth and new potential with this obsession.

This superficial man is tied into how you see others value you.

[SSE]

Don't know if that is the case. 

My parents and brother know of the affair. They all told me I could do way better than MM.

 

[PhoenixRising8]

You make an excellent point Amethyst.  My father was very much like SSE's.  I was never pretty enough, smart enough or good enough in his view.  I wouldn't amount to anything.  It spurred my ambition and I proved him wrong.  Got a good education and established a good career.  Made "something" of myself financially.  I later found out, from others of course, how much he bragged about my success,  Never from him, of course.  My point is, if you need to prove something to him, choose something you can actually win at.  Like your career and financial standing.  Something other than this MM.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, SSE said:

My parents and brother know of the affair. They all told me I could do way better than MM.

They may say other unkind things, but in this they were correct! 

I find it interesting that everyone knows about your affair... these things are usually conducted in secret, not admitted to anyone...and yet - your family knows, your friends know, your dentist knows... you’ve shared this information as one would share about a typical relationship. But, it’s an affair, usually kept secret because it generally doesn’t reflect well on the people involved and because knowledge of the affair would cause hurt to others.

I also think Amethyst is on to something here. Your self esteem is very much tied with with what people think, such that when you “get your man” you will prove to your family, your friends, even yourself that you are “good enough” - that’s the phrase you often use. This, and the fact that you’ve talked about how very much you enjoyed the “experience” of being with this man - his attention and affection distracting you from the loneliness and depression that you so often feel. 

Edited May 20, 2020 by BaileyB

[SSE]

Yes, I told the people in my environment. The affair caused me a lot of anxiety and when I'm anxious, I have to tell my story to someone to release my anxiety. 

I don't know how I feel for the moment. I am numb. When he contacted me last year, he claimed things weren't that good between them. But now I find out she was already pregnant with their second child... He didn't tell me then and also now I had to ask or he wouldn't have told me. How can you do that? How can you do that to her? To me? He knew I wanted a normal relationship. He knew I was hurting. He knew. And yet coming back claiming it isn't going great at home while she was pregnant? Claiming to miss me and wanting to see me? How can you lie like that? Just for some sex??? Aren't other people's feelings not important as long as you can get sex? Just go to a real prostitute, you have enough money! You cannot hurt them, they don't love you! 

Contacting him again was a big mistake. I cannot do it again, all the contact info is deleted. I wanted him gone from my phone and I want him gone from my mind. I want him gone everywhere. The pain is back, and worse. I don't know how the handle this. 

[Amethyst68]

You say you're in Europe, do you mind me asking what part?

[SSE]

Western Europe

[assertives]

57 minutes ago, SSE said:

Contacting him again was a big mistake. I cannot do it again, all the contact info is deleted. I wanted him gone from my phone and I want him gone from my mind. I want him gone everywhere.

Good. You are finally angry. Nurse and feed this anger, remember the anger and indignation you are feeling now for yourself and also for his poor pregnant wife each time you miss him and feel sucked back into the cycle.

1 hour ago, SSE said:

How can you do that? How can you do that to her? To me? He knew I wanted a normal relationship. He knew I was hurting. He knew. And yet coming back claiming it isn't going great at home while she was pregnant? Claiming to miss me and wanting to see me? How can you lie like that? Just for some sex??? Aren't other people's feelings not important as long as you can get sex?

Remind yourself this is who he is everytime he tries to contact you. He cares not for anyone but himself and his needs. Remember how you are feeling now. I hope that it will guide you out of this hell you are living.

[SSE]

I haven't slept at all last night. Tossing and turning. I feel so much pain. It feels like I'm dying.

I don't know what to do. I don't want him anymore in my mind. I don't want him anymore in my heart. But he's still there   

I couldn't forget about him the past 1.5 years we were in NC. It also still hurt, the pain of what happened wasn't gone. 

So I'm really afraid I will never heal from this and will be in pain for a very long time.

I know I can never forget this experience, but what about the pain I feel in my entire body??? Will that ever go away? 

[BaileyB]

What has actually changed? What new piece of information did you actually gain here?

Wasn’t this just just confirmation of what you already knew  - he is a liar, he has cheated on his wife, he is not a good man and you need to go back to no contact - which you have done for the last year and a half. 

You can settle yourself down by telling yourself, nothing has changed here... 

[SSE]

Cheating is one thing, but cheating on a pregnant woman? And hiding that piece of information for me when trying to meet me and claiming to miss me? 

Who does that? That's just ..... 

I know it sounds hypocrite of me to say because I had sex with him, but seriously... 

Maybe I shouldn't be too surprised; he cheated on her after only 2 weeks of marriage and even before the marriage he was making moves on me. I also didn't know they were getting married surprisingly... 

I want the feelings for him gone. Wished there existed a switch 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, SSE said:

I want the feelings for him gone. Wished there existed a switch 

It’s not a switch. It’s a decision you make, to let it go. 

The solution is literally as old as time - make yourself busy and change your focus from thinking about this man to something more productive, and more healthy for you. Whether you actually take the steps to move forward, or stay stuck in this misery, is entirely your decision. 

[SSE]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm overreacting. According to MM we were like best friends. I know he didn't love me the way I loved him. Even now he asked, after I told him I didn't want any further contact, that we still could be friends after a year or two when my feelings would have been lessened. I find that odd and I know I can't do that. He seems to have mostly positive memories about me, but when I think of him, the most I remember is how much pain and heartache I experienced. I cannot have such a person who caused me so much pain and heartache in my life anymore. Not for a year or two, but for a very long time I'm afraid. I can never forget that pain he caused me. My memories about him will always be mostly hurtful. He wished me 'good luck' when I told him that it's too hard for me, as if someone had died. 

I find it odd that he considers us friends. I wouldn't treat my friends like that. I wouldn't have sex with my friends. I wouldn't say I get an erection from my friends. All the push and pull that happened between us... You're the woman of my dreams and the next day I had to f*** other men. It was an emotional rollercoaster for me. And I also told him that after a while because at first I was really scared of losing him. But eventually he knew it was hurting me, he knew I wanted a normal relationship, he knew I wanted to be left alone bacause I was in pain, but still he came back. To get some sex from me. Giving me false hope by saying it wasn't going good between them. Asking me if I would move for him. I actually felt like a puppet on a string. I feel like he has taken advantage of my feelings for him to get some sex. I know I let him for a long time, but as my friend, wouldn't you stop if you see your actions cause your friend pain? Wouldn't you apologize? Wouldn't you also tell your friends that you would be a father again??? 

It seems like we have a different view on our 'relationship'. According to him we were great friends, but according to me he took advantage of my feelings for him to get sex. Not a friendship at all. I find that really bizarre. He gives me the idea that I'm overreacting, but I think I'm not. We were great friends at work before he made his moves on me. But it can never go back to the way it used to be. There has happened too much between us. 

When I think about acceptance, I think "he doesn't love you the way you love him. He's not in love with you". I repeat that in my head to get some kind of acceptance, but it actually makes me feel pain. I also feel a kind of jealousy because he seems to have everything I ever wanted. A partner and family, a nice house and enough money. It sometimes seems unfair. He's got it all, he's got everything most people want and still he had to get sex from me. Still had to mess with my mind and heart. He should realize he's damn lucky to have all those things in his life. And he knew I wanted those things as well. I find his behaviour really selfish. I know I cannot forget, but I also think I cannot forgive. At least not now. Do you need to feel forgiveness to heal? 

Sorry, I'm rambling about him again, but I needed to get this off my chest. I know I have to look to my future, a future without him in it. I indeed want out of this hell which I'm in for almost 4 years now... 4 wasted years actually. I want him gone, it's just too much pain he caused and still causes. I want real love in my life. I admit I feel very lonely. I hope I will meet someone someday that I can love like I love(d) MM. I don't want to be single all my life. I even remember MM saying "you'll see, when you have your personal life together, life will be so much better". Too bad he didn't gave me the opportunity to get my personal life together with all his push and pull actions. But not anymore now. It's been enough. He's gone. And he must stay gone. I don't want anymore pain. I just don't. I want to get the life I want with a great man by my side. A man that I deserve. 

It may seem I feel stronger, but believe me, I'm in so much pain. There's a lot I need to accept in order to heal. I think this will take a lot of time I'm afraid. Sometimes I even think I will always love him in some kind of way. Which I actually don't want to! 

[SSE]

It just sometimes feels like I will always love him. He was the first man I ever loved. I still feel some kind of love for him even after everything that has happened. I don't want that, but it's the truth. I want room in my mind and heart for someone else, but I don't know if that ever will be possible??? I couldn't even forget him after 1.5 years NC! Does anyone have experience with that? Being in love after you had an affair? 

[RebeccaR]

Yes, it’s possible to have years of NC and still not forget the feelings. But you’ll feel them much, much less when you’re super busy. I hate to say this because it sounds so trite, but you really need a hobby. I forget if you are being treated for depression, but you should look into it if you don’t have the energy to find ways to keep yourself busy.

[SSE]

I'm in therapy for quite a while now, but honestly I don't know if it works. It's just talking, no CBT. It didn't make think differently about myself and MM. Maybe I should change therapy? Shouldn't I have had any results during that 1.5 year I was in NC with him? 

A friend suggested EMDR therapy... Anyone any experience with that therapy?