He's really gone this time

[SSE]

7 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

Your attitude doesn't have to be, "Why don't you love me enough to treat me better?" It can be, "Too bad for you that you're not good enough for the awesomeness that I am" while you strut away.

Honestly, I'm going to be 30 years old and I've never ever thought of myself this way. Don't know if I can or ever will... Don't know if it's possible to change your attitude from one side of the spectrum to the other side. I do know I must move away from my family home. Working on that. 

7 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

A question for you, if you found out she did in fact kick him out, not that he left but that she made the decision would you take him back? 

I don't know if he would come running back to me. It's not like I'm that important, could be he finds himself a new girl. Guessing how I'm feeling today, I think I would take him back, but honestly, I think I would be scared being together with him. Scared for more pain and hurt. But still I would give it a try, preferring it above my own mental well-being. I know I would do anything for him. I would do anything as long as he's happy, I think. I realize I also had this attitude in my previous relationship. Wanting to make the boyfriend happy, so he didn't leave me. Eventually I did leave him. Because of the recurring comments about my appearance (even after I said those comments hurt) and because I still had feelings for MM. 

Why are you so sure she will find out? I know I won't tell her and neither will MM. Don't know if he will even ever cheat on her again. He told me he was too lazy to find another OW, so there has been no one else after me. And he doesn't do prostitutes... However, I'm quite sure if a beautiful girl crossed his path and she would make some effort, he wouldn't say no. Don't know if it's her money. I just know he talks about money a lot. It means a great deal to him that he's very wealthy, that he has a nice house, that he has nice cars, that he has the best (read: most expensive) things there are. Just knowing he's the best (= the most rich) is important to him. Money validates him. Don't know if there's a prenup. But I cannot imagine someone stays in a relationship just for the money or child. What kind of relationship would that be?? So I think there must also be love involved. Why else also make a child together? That's why I do think he's capable of being a loving person. Just not to me. Guess I'll never know why. It's hard for me to not take it personally. 

How do you stop wanting the validation and love of someone that doesn't treat you right? I'm also going to ask my therapist this, but in the meanwhile, I want to ask you. I feel like I'm so screwed up, you have no idea. I wonder if I ever will be "a healthy person". I know I don't sound healthy, but I don't know any differently. 

[assertives]

9 hours ago, SSE said:

You're spot on. It feels like you know me well. I want his love. Don't know why because indeed, the way he acted towards me was not lovable at all. Even now he dismissed my feelings again. Why do I want his love so much?? To feel worthy? I thought it was because I love him and I want him to love me back. 

I also had troubles with believing my ex-boyfriend found me good enough because he made comments about my appearance. 

I still struggle with his treatment of me and his wife. I know we had this discussion before, but it keeps wondering in my head. MM had two other longterm relationships before he met and married his wife. They are together for almost 10 years. I cannot imagine he could treat her or the others bad for such a long period. It seems he is capable of treating people good! Don't know why I got the s***ty treatment. I would like to know why he thought it was okay to treat me like a free prostitute. Why do you treat one person good and another one not? I know I was never cruel to him. 

You need to raise your standards by a whole lot. Did you seriously seriously think that a husband who made wedding vows with his wife and is going around sleeping with another woman, asking for nude pictures and sexting another woman is considered "treating his wife good"? Like seriously? Unless theirs is an open marriage, he is disrespecting her and their marriage, betraying her trust regularly and actively and also exposing his wife to STDs. You call that treating her "good"? You said you cannot imagine him treating his ex and his wife bad for such a long period. Well, he's been entangled with you for several years now. He has demonstrated to you how badly he can treat his wife for YEARS. 

People stay in bad and abusive relationships and marriages all the time. There's even a poster on the infidelity subforum posting about her husband cheating with the same woman for a decade, punctuated with some sleeping around here and there with other women. Obviously, it bothers her enough to be making post after post about it and she's actively tracking and snooping on his social media activity and various communication platforms. But she isn't leaving and have no plans to leave him despite all that. So yes, people can most definitely stay in unhappy relationships and by that same vein, the other party can most definitely continue their s***ty treatment of their partners for a long time, some even make it a lifetime.

Also, you really ought to focus only on how he is treating you and stop trying to come up with your own narrative on their marriage and his wife's life or anybody else's lives for that matter. You are not them, and they are not you. You have no idea what it's like to be them, their struggles, hopes, dreams, fears. Use that focus on yourself, what you want for yourself, your own hopes, and dreams and fears. Who you are as your own person. And not who you are in relation to someone else. Lastly, we teach people how to treat us. If you don't love and respect yourself, and allow others to treat us unkindly and horribly, we are effectively showing them that it is ok for them to treat us that way. Enforce your own boundaries and respect your own boundaries. If you don't want him to treat you like a free prostitute, stop engaging with him. Shut it down whenever his messages get sleazy. Tell him you'll forward them to his wife or his boss if he doesn't cut it out. Or better still, just delete, block and change your phone number already. Stop wasting anymore time on him.

Edited May 15, 2020 by assertives

[assertives]

4 hours ago, SSE said:

But I cannot imagine someone stays in a relationship just for the money or child. What kind of relationship would that be?? So I think there must also be love involved. Why else also make a child together? That's why I do think he's capable of being a loving person.

Herein lies your problem. Stop projecting your own values and beliefs on love, relationships, money and moral standards on to everyone else. Everybody is wired differently and operate differently based on their own experiences in life, values, beliefs and upbringing. What is important to you, must be true to you, is not necessarily the case for others. What you want in life and what others want in life will also not necessarily be the same either.

4 hours ago, SSE said:

I wonder if I ever will be "a healthy person". I know I don't sound healthy, but I don't know any differently. 

The first step to change is always difficult, and I've said this many times on here. You need to want the change badly enough to make a commitment to put in the work, any work necessary to grow and be a better version of yourself. It's the same with weight loss. It's how badly you want to lose weight. Want it enough or desperate enough, you'll try anything, whether it's a new diet, an exercise regime, hiring a personal trainer, and be relentless at it. If 6 months doesn't yield the results you want, 9 months then, if 9 months isn't enough, 12 months then, up the intensity switch things up, etc etc.

Anyway, on that note, wanted to share a post I came across on Facebook not too long ago. The backstory seems to be that this woman's husband left her because of her appearance, so she worked HARD and over a very long period of time too, to lose weight. That, is the pure, raw brute determination I'm talking about, and it doesn't just refers to weight loss journeys, but also to other aspects of life. Again, be intentional about you own healing and becoming a healthy person for yourself. If you don't want to help yourself, therapy, moral support and advices can only do so much.

Edited May 15, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed link to Facebook post

[Amethyst68]

You've told us repeatedly the money comes from her!

[heartwhole2]

5 hours ago, SSE said:

Honestly, I'm going to be 30 years old and I've never ever thought of myself this way. Don't know if I can or ever will... Don't know if it's possible to change your attitude from one side of the spectrum to the other side. I do know I must move away from my family home. Working on that. 

If you think about it as swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other it will seem overwhelming. You just need to keep taking steps away from poor self-esteem towards self-love. Keep doing what you're doing here -- checking to see if your thinking is flawed. Even if you don't feel that attitude yet, you can mimic the actions of a person who does. The more you practice protecting yourself from harmful people, the more second nature it will become.

Glad you are working on getting away from your toxic family members. I'm sorry that they are too broken to treat you well. 

[SSE]

I went to the dentist last Friday. She's a personal friend of mine and asked about MM. She gave me some advice. She would use him for sex like he used me in the past. Treat him the way he treated you. Learn from the master. Use him for what he's good for. And then dump his sorry ass. 

I gave it some thought, but I don't think I can do that. I love him, I cannot turn off my feelings for him. I now already know that I would be devastated when he leaves again after we had sex. I instantly get tears in my eyes when even just thinking about this. I cannot do that again, it would give me so much more heartache. 

The words of Kat keep hanging in my mind: what's there to love? I was hurt several times, I expressed that hurt several times, just to be hurt all over again. He didn't care, kept contacting me and I went back for more. Hoping he had changed. But he never changed his view and treatment of me. Why did the love I feel didn't go away? Why do I still feel love for this man?  

Some people mentioned I got addicted to negative reinforcement. But how can you become addicted to something that makes you feel so bad? I don't like it when my dad and brother give me mean comments and when MM hurts me. I don't like to feel so much pain. But it's not only the comments, but additionally also the way I'm thinking that causes me so much more pain, I think now. But I can't recall I ever had a different way of thinking. 

I think I just have to accept that he doesn't want me for a real relationship (just accepting isn't easy though). And that that will never change. But I think also automatically that he loves her so much. If you read a bit, most cheaters still love their wives and the lives they built with them. They are being sellfish because they want it all. So for me, he loves her. It seems that she is worthy of his love while in his eyes I'm the equivalent of a free prostitute. Someone who's feelings don't count. And that hurts a lot because I never saw him that way. I can say, his loss that he doesn't see how great I am, but that doesn't make the pain go away. 

But on the other hand, you can't make people like or love you. There will always be people who dislike you. Who don't love you. Maybe I have to accept that? You can be as awesome as you are, but not everyone will love you. I have been rejected before. Before MM I had a crush on my veterinarian. He honestly told me he wasn't interested. It hurt a lot, but I could move on and after a year NC, I was over him. I still see him and have no feelings for him anymore. With MM, it's different. 

I have to admit that even after almost 2 years I still feel a lot of pain and sadness about what happened between us. I still haven't let this go. Don't know how to 'forget' so much pain. Nobody in my environment understands that I still feel this way after so long. They expect me to be over it by now. I'm sorry, but I'm not. I've never experienced such deep pain and sadness as when I was in the affair. Nobody on this planet hurt me more than MM and still I go back to that man. I sometimes think I'd rather be dead. No more hurt and pain. No more mean comments. Just peace. I know it's not nice of me to say during a pandemic, but it's the way I feel. 

[heartwhole2]

I'm so sorry for this big heavy pain that you keep experiencing. Please, when you think you might rather be dead, call a suicide hotline. Your brain is telling you lies -- that there's no way out of the pain. That's not true. You are resilient and you can heal and find the peace you so desire.

It sounds like your head understands the situation pretty well, but your heart doesn't. That's a very universal conflict. Feelings are feelings. It's OK if you aren't over a breakup in 2 years. It's OK if you desire someone who isn't good for you. You can work through those feelings while still making healthy choices for yourself. 

[assertives]

Start by changing your thoughts and your thoughts process. Try it. It will help. At first, it will seem unnatural, and maybe even insincere, but as time go by, it will start to make sense to you. Stop thinking if she is "worthy" or "unworthy" of his love. Everytime you find your mind wandering there, immediately make a conscious effort to stop it and divert your thoughts else where. Keep doing it until it becomes second nature to you.

The more you post, the more it seems you are trapped in your own thoughts and your own ways of thinking. You project your own logic and ways of thinking onto others and you make a conclusion on their lives, character and motives based on that. Which is more often than not, not accurate at all. You keep saying MM must have truly loved his wife just because they had a child together and they were together for a decade and you refused to believe that he isn't treating her poorly despite him being unfaithful and lying to her regularly. And that he must be capable of being loving and must be a good person since he has been able to get into and stay in relationships for a long period.

But the thing is, he doesn't need to be loving and nice and or even be faithful to stay in a relationship/relationships or have people "love" him. Case in point, you have acknowledged that he is treating you badly and horribly, and contact with him hurts you more than it makes you happy. Yet, you still feel nothing but love for him. So your theory that he must be a good and loving person as he has been in long term relationships is not true at all.

On that note though, I'm beginning to wonder if you actually truly loved this MM or are you just addicted to him or the idea of him. You said you loved him, but what do you love about him? The way he makes you feel? A connection like no other? Intellectually compatible? Life goals and values aligns? You complete one another? Everything you've shared about your interactions with him have been blatantly abusive and demeaning, at least some of the OW/OM here on this subforum talk about connection, talked about how he/she made them feel good, but you have only talked about the pain, the anxiety, and the worthlessness he made you feel. You've even talked about how even if he gives you a proper relationship, you wouldn't be able to trust him fully, and will just make your anxiety worse.

So why? Maybe you should explore this with your therapist. Maybe it isn't love that you feel for MM, but some kind of addiction. I'd repeat this again, you need to be intentional about wanting change in your life. To break out of this self-loathing cycle, and develop who you are on your own, work on you, for yourself. At the end of the day, you are the ONLY ONE who is going to have to live with yourself till the end. People come and go in our lives, and at some stage, everyone will leave us, whether it's different paths in life or death. So learn to be at peace with yourself first. It's a lifelong journey, so take one step at a time. Once you're secure in who you are as a person, you'll start to make better decisions in who you choose to engage and keep in your life.

 

[assertives]

I also wanted to add though, you may think he's a good and loving husband to his wife just because he chose to marry her and have a child with her. You may think he's a good and loving husband in spite of him cheating, sexting, sleeping around and asking women for nudes. But that's just you, you may think infidelity is ok, but his wife may not. And frankly, the only person who has the right to make the judgement on whether he is a good husband is his wife. So don't assume/make up narratives about him and her and then get upset after that. It's fruitless and not even based on truths or facts.

[heartwhole2]

2 hours ago, SSE said:

So for me, he loves her. It seems that she is worthy of his love while in his eyes I'm the equivalent of a free prostitute. Someone who's feelings don't count. And that hurts a lot because I never saw him that way.

This isn't quite true. Your very first post was about thinking MM was up to no good. I think your brain always recognized that his actions were bad but you were so desperate for the high of feeling loved and chosen that you dove in anyway. It seems to me that this whole relationship has been you trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole. It was never going to fit. There's no reason to blame yourself for not being square shaped. There are plenty of round pegs out there.

2 hours ago, SSE said:

He didn't care, kept contacting me and I went back for more. Hoping he had changed. But he never changed his view and treatment of me. Why did the love I feel didn't go away? Why do I still feel love for this man?  

I read recently that whatever you aren't changing, you're choosing. Your feelings aren't going to magically change so that it's easy to walk away. It was always going to be hard, but it's still what you need to do. You may always feel attracted to him, have occasional dreams about him, etc., but you can choose not to feed those feelings. Don't ruminate on him. Don't look at pictures of him. Don't wonder, "What if . . ." Reread the terrible things he's said. You are in pain, but the way out of the pain is not to have him choose you (can you honestly imagine that happening in a healthy and fulfilling way?). You are in pain, but the way out of the pain is not to decide you're unlovable. The way out of the pain is to feel it and accept it and process it, to learn new healthy ways of coping and seeing yourself and others. 

[BaileyB]

Another quote to consider... your thoughts create your reality. 

Ie. we all have many thoughts, some we let go and others on which we chose to ruminate. Depending on where you decide to focus, that creates your experience, it determines whether you are happy or sad, and it creates a good life for you it holds you back from finding your own happiness...

Chose your thoughts wisely, they will create the life you think you deserve...

[SSE]

19 hours ago, assertives said:

Start by changing your thoughts and your thoughts process.

But what do I have to think then? MM is like almost always in the back of my mind. Very exhausting. Now I'm wondering if I'll ever hear from him again. 

What do I love about him? Good question. I love the way he made me feel in the beginning of the affair. I had never been in love before and when I finally was, I had a smile in my heart. Great feeling. Never experienced that with my ex-boyfriend even though he gave me what I deserved. He has a great sense of humor, which made me fall for him, despite the many sexually orientated jokes. I love a man with a great sense of humor. I have to say, he did remind me of my dad and brother actually. They don't make sexual jokes, but can also be rude meaning it as a joke. It's familiar humor to me. I like that kind of humor, but off course, it has it's limits. Saying I'm a little slut is way over the top. Just like saying I don't know what the value of money is because I earn so little. I know he didn't say those things to hurt me, but they did. I find him very attractive off course and like the sex with him. He makes me feel desirable in some way with all those sexual comments. But at the same time, it makes me feel like that's all I'm good for. It's like everything he ever talks about always comes down to money/business and/or sex. Very importants things in life off course, but I don't have that much money which made me feel less because of his comments. It's not fun to hear someone talking about their money and their 'problems' (Would I sell that house or not?), when you don't have that much money yourself. He didn't realize that in compairison with other people he really doesn't have 'problems'. But on the other had, everyone likes to complain about something, so I just let him talk. 

I think it's mainly because of the teasing and the familiar humor that we hit it off. That was our connection. A very important one to me because if a man can make me laugh, I'm sold (just like with my ex-boyfriend). I didn't like all the talk about money, but I thought that was deal of the package. After about 3 months in the affair, the push-pull dynamic began. One moment he loved me, the other moment he would be poor if he divorced. The next minute he wanted me, the other minute I had to f*** other men (after I told him I loved him). Told him I was hurting, he left me alone and after a month or so, he came back like nothing happened and I caved  again. This dynamic lasted for more than a year and destroyed me. He knew I was hurting, he knew I loved him and that I was vulnerable, he knew I longed for a relationship and he knew he wouldn't leave her. And yet, each time he came back to me, even after I requested to be left alone. Like nothing happened. It's like my feelings didn't count, as long as he could have occasional sex with me. As long as he could get his way. 

During that period I experienced a lot of pain, because each time he gave me some hope, to push that hope down again after we had sex. He's a very smooth talker. That pain still lingers in my body. That's why I got so afraid after that sexual talk with him. I'm very scared to experience that heavy pain again. And like in the old days, he doesn't seem to care when I express my hurt. I think the feelings of his wife do matter to him. He keeps the affair a secret so she wouldn't find out and be hurt. 

I would be afraid if I would be in a real relationship with him. He's always talking about sex. What if I don't give him enough sex? Will he leave? Will he cheat? He would have to miss his child. His money. Would he go back to that (after using me for some sex off course)? I would also be afraid because of the previous push and pull dynamic. Will that happen in our relationship also? One minute loving me and the other minute wanting to leave me? I'm afraid because of everything he has ever said to me. "I can meet another girl SSE and then you're all alone again." "I think I will move abroad in the future" and so on. Afraid for emotional pain because he doesn't take my feelings into account now, would that change if we would be in a relationship? No idea. 

After all that pain, sadness and anxiety, I still have feelings for this man 😢

[heartwhole2]

9 minutes ago, SSE said:

Great feeling. Never experienced that with my ex-boyfriend even though he gave me what I deserved.

Am I correct about the timeline that you started the affair with xMM before you met ex-boyfriend? So your relationship with your boyfriend was always colored by your thoughts of xMM.
 

11 minutes ago, SSE said:

This dynamic lasted for more than a year and destroyed me. He knew I was hurting, he knew I loved him and that I was vulnerable, he knew I longed for a relationship and he knew he wouldn't leave her. And yet, each time he came back to me, even after I requested to be left alone. Like nothing happened. It's like my feelings didn't count, as long as he could have occasional sex with me. As long as he could get his way. 

It's important to understand that some people will treat us badly because of their own issues. You cannot give someone else the power to treat you well or badly. You need to have boundaries so that anyone who treats you badly gets cut off. 

15 minutes ago, SSE said:

I think the feelings of his wife do matter to him. He keeps the affair a secret so she wouldn't find out and be hurt. 

You seem to be very hung up on the idea that he treats his wife better than you because she's better than you. Please try to see this as nonsense. If he really cared about her feelings he wouldn't have an affair. He keeps it a secret so he can continue cheating on her. This fits his pattern of doing whatever he feels like without caring who gets hurt. 

 

16 minutes ago, SSE said:

After all that pain, sadness and anxiety, I still have feelings for this man 😢

It's OK to have feelings. They just are. Maybe stop trying to fight them and just accept them. You have feelings for someone who isn't good for you. You can tell yourself, "I have feelings for him. I love him. And that's OK. But I won't have a relationship with him. I love me more." 

[SSE]

50 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

Am I correct about the timeline that you started the affair with xMM before you met ex-boyfriend? So your relationship with your boyfriend was always colored by your thoughts of xMM

Indeed. I met my ex-boyfriend after I was in full NC with MM. Met him on Tinder. I never felt the same emotions for him as I did for MM. Even though I also found him attractive and funny. He didn't make much sexual comments towards me, which I actually missed. They made me feel desirable in some way. I was trying to move on but he couldn't make me forget MM. MM was always in the back of my mind. I hoped he would come back because I missed him. Even though my boyfriend treated me so much better and gave me a real relationship. So I ended it with him. Don't know if I made the right decision. 

I really miss those days when we were just in the beginning of the affair. I remember I felt happy. With my ex-boyfriend, I never felt that way. I was happy in some way, but didn't feel that happy as with MM. But I've also never felt that terrible as when I was in the affair with MM. The highs were the best, but the lows, and there were so much lows, were terrible. Emotionally draining. I never had such lows with my ex-boyfriend. 

Sometimes I think I will never feel that way again for anyone and that I will have to settle in some way. Is it possible to have a good, lasting relationship without that wonderful feeling of being in love (especially at the beginning)? 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, SSE said:

But what do I have to think then? MM is like almost always in the back of my mind. Very exhausting. Now I'm wondering if I'll ever hear from him again. 

It’s very, very obvious that you are not ready to stop thinking about him. You clearly get something from continuing the discussion, continuing to ruminate on your thoughts of this man... or you wouldn’t continue to do so. This post is a perfect example - you ask, what should I think if I don’t think of this man, and then post paragraphs rehashing your feelings for this man and fantasizing about what it would be like if you are together...

[SSE]

I'm sorry Bailey, I don't do it on purpose. I love the guy. I cannot turn those feelings off just like a switch. Believe me, I would do it if I could. 

It's very difficult for me to think for example: "f*** MM, get out of my mind, to bad you couldn't see how awesome I am. Now just get out." (I don't know if this is a good example of not thinking of MM)

[Amethyst68]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

It’s very, very obvious that you are not ready to stop thinking about him. You clearly get something from continuing the discussion, continuing to ruminate on your thoughts of this man... or you wouldn’t continue to do so. This post is a perfect example - you ask, what should I think if I don’t think of this man, and then post paragraphs rehashing your feelings for this man and fantasizing about what it would be like if you are together...

I have to be honest but what I see is a certain level of a martyr complex. A quick Google search shows the following definition.

Quote

A person exhibiting a martyr complex will exhibit the following psychological traits: low self-esteem, an exaggerated sense of responsibility to others, fear of being abandoned, and difficulties adjusting to change.

 

[heartwhole2]

2 hours ago, SSE said:

I really miss those days when we were just in the beginning of the affair. I remember I felt happy. With my ex-boyfriend, I never felt that way. I was happy in some way, but didn't feel that happy as with MM. But I've also never felt that terrible as when I was in the affair with MM. The highs were the best, but the lows, and there were so much lows, were terrible. Emotionally draining. I never had such lows with my ex-boyfriend. 

Sometimes I think I will never feel that way again for anyone and that I will have to settle in some way. Is it possible to have a good, lasting relationship without that wonderful feeling of being in love (especially at the beginning)? 

You have to remember that there are elements in an affair that aren't present in relationships that start the right way. If you meet a nice available guy, he won't have to work so hard to convince you that you should sleep with him. There's no naughtiness to it, or clueless woman you feel that you are besting by him wanting to sleep with you. It's just not logical to say, "I felt great with one guy, and not great with another guy, therefore I can only feel great with that one guy for the rest of my life." Would you ever tell someone else that there's only person they could possibly be happy with? 

You knew when you entered the affair that it wasn't healthy, but you did it anyway because it made you feel good. This is exactly why MM does it too. You keep searching for deeper meaning that isn't there. It feels good to have an affair so he does. You like the high so you keep coming back for more hits. But the highs get lower and father between. 

A healthy relationship won't involve a betrayed third party. You won't be thinking, "Wow! He really loves me because he wants me even though he has a wife at home!" It will be the meeting of two equals. But of course you can still fall in love. If you set high standards for yourself you can have your cake and eat it too -- a healthy relationship with the joy of falling in love. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, SSE said:

I'm sorry Bailey, I don't do it on purpose. 

No, I don’t believe you do it on purpose. But, you are absolutely looping, through the same cycles...

You present your story, share your feelings of sadness and desperation, and get some feel good responses (you get some positive reinforcement, a boost to your self esteem). Then, I say this with kindness - you start to sound reasonable because you’ve heard it all before and you have analyzed the situation to death.  “My friend gave me good advice... I know that he’s chosen his family... I know this was not healthy for me... I need to move on...”

But then, when it actually comes time for you to let go of the fantasy you have created about this man/this relationship and stop these repetitive thoughts that play in a loop in your head and begin to put one foot in front of the other...

You double down and loop right back to where you started. You loop through a series of cognitive distortions. There is the fantasy and delusional thinking “I love this man. He is the only one. Why does he love her more than me. If we were together... it would be like this...“ There is usually some catastrophizing and fear based thinking “I will never find a man as wonderful as this man or have my own children. This is it for me, this is the best I can do...” And sometimes a flash of anger - “I want this - why can’t I have what I want” or “Why do you guys think I’m no good.”

And then, when people challenge your thinking, you come back around to the pity party... “But, I love this man so much. Why does he love his wife, and why am I not good enough. Why can’t I move on from this...”

More sympathetic responses... you start to make more sense, and then... you double down again... “I just can’t control these thoughts.” “I love him, I just can’t turn those feelings off...” Let me retreat to my fantasy again...

Do you know what’s going to come next... because I do. 😢

Look up Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and tell me if you don’t see yourself looping through all the different kinds of cognitive distortions - all or nothing/black and white thinking, overgeneralizing, disqualifying the positive, fallacy of fairness, personalization or excessive responsibility,  emotional reasoning, catastophizing... 

Edited May 18, 2020 by BaileyB

[SSE]

I didn't like being in the affair. I liked being with him, when he was still nice and didn't do the push-pull dynamic. 

I wanted to move forward, so I started dating and eventually met my ex-boyfriend. Is it possible that my ex-boyfriend didn't had a fair chance because I still loved MM? I know I did gave it my best shot. But he couldn't make me forget MM. 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, SSE said:

Is it possible that my ex-boyfriend didn't had a fair chance because I still loved MM? 

Do you really not know the answer to that question?

[SSE]

I know I did my very best to forget about him. I wanted it very much. But I failed 😢

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, SSE said:

I know I did my very best to forget about him. I wanted it very much. But I failed 😢

All or nothing/black and white thinking... emotional reasoning... personalization or excessive responsibility.

You “failed” because you are not in an emotionally healthy place and you are not ready to date. It’s not a reflection of your character, it’s not a personal failure... it’s just where you are in your journey...

[assertives]

2 hours ago, SSE said:

I'm sorry Bailey, I don't do it on purpose. I love the guy. I cannot turn those feelings off just like a switch. Believe me, I would do it if I could. 

It's very difficult for me to think for example: "f*** MM, get out of my mind, to bad you couldn't see how awesome I am. Now just get out." (I don't know if this is a good example of not thinking of MM)

That's still centering your thoughts on him though. I'm really curious. Did you actually try anything that posters have suggested you try doing on this thread? Because I have to admit, that each time you come back to post, it seems as if nothing we said got through to you. Case in point, your response to Bailey just shows a weak cursory attempt, you didn't even bother making an honest effort. I'm sure you can come up with a better example than just "f*** MM, get out of my mind". Don't you have anything at all going on for you in life? Goals? Hopes? Dreams to focus on? Causes you support? Hobbies? Aspirations? Career? Learn a new language?? Think of those things instead. What you want out of your own life, what kind of person you want to be.

Please don't tell me that your only goal/hope/dream/aspiration in life is to be MM's partner, get his love and bare his kids. 

6 minutes ago, SSE said:

Is it possible that my ex-boyfriend didn't had a fair chance because I still loved MM? I know I did gave it my best shot. But he couldn't make me forget MM. 

This is why everyone on here have been telling you that you need to work on yourself and be single for awhile, know who you are on your own before dating again. If you go on tinder looking for someone just like MM, obviously, you are not going to find what you are looking for. Everyone is their own unique person, you love, develop and build a life with that person as they are, and not according to whatever specifications you hold him to. You are obviously not ready to date.

I urge you to read through your thread again and copy down some of the suggestions posters have given you on here that you can work on either alone or with your therapist and mull over it. Keeping yourself busy would help take your mind of him. 

[Bittersweetie]

My signature is "what you allow is what will continue." I originally considered it in the context of how people treat us. Then I realized it covered much more territory. Like, how we treat people. How we control our thoughts (like, if I keep thinking X+Y=Z, then that's what will continue without me considering other solutions). It even describes actions, like if I allow myself to keep eating ten chocolate chip cookies at a time, then I'll keep eating all those darn cookies! 

Basically it is saying we have agency over ourselves and our choices. Yes, things happen that are out of our control. But we do have control on how we react to it. Like I've been pretty much homebound for the past two months like many others. I could've bitched and moaned about it the whole time. Instead I recognize it's hard and look for positives...like, I always wanted to try growing out my hair. I wanted to start sewing again (though not masks...). 

Will this change of thought process happen overnight? Of course not. You have to work at it. My second grader has a classroom saying, "I will train my brain to do this." You need to train your brain to think differently, just like I did. I used to focus on everything I didn't have which led me to some really bad choices. Like, you keep saying you will never feel this way for anyone else. Well, if you keep telling yourself that, then it's true. But really, is it? Of course not. You have control. From what I've read here, I think you can do this, grow and change. Maybe you're scared of the unknown? Heck yeah it's scary, changing your coping skills and outlook on life. I've been there. But it was worth it, and I think you're worth it.