He's really gone this time

[Crazelnut]

Yes, do change therapists. Find someone who does CBT. Give that a try before you go the EMDR route.

[Amethyst68]

43 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Yes, do change therapists. Find someone who does CBT. Give that a try before you go the EMDR route.

Agreed, there's probably hundreds of therapists in your local area. Be pro-active and go looking for a change.

[SSE]

Why do you prefer CBT above EMDR? 

[anika99]

I think you would benefit from CBT the most. It will help you changing your unhealthy negative thought patterns and irrational thinking regarding the MM. In CBT you set goals and do specific exercises (mental exercises not physical) that challenge your current way of looking at the world, yourself and other people. You learn to stop unhealthy thoughts in their tracks and to take your mind in another direction. You will learn how what we think shapes what we feel and how we live. It's not something that works immediately, it take practice but once you learn to do it you will grow by leaps an bounds. I did a few sessions of CBT many years ago and at the time I thought it was kind of stupid. I was like "how the hell is this supposed to help me? Can't you see I'm in pain?!!, I don't want to do these dumb assignments, I want real help!" But because I was in so much pain I was desperate to try anything so even though I only had a few sessions I continued to practice what I had learned and after awhile I started to see real changes. I had to admit that it was really having a positive impact on my life. I've wanted to go back to CBT therapy ever since but I just haven't made it a priority since I don't really have any major unhappiness or issues. 

You could try EDMR if you want. I haven't tried it but I know it purports to work faster than other therapies. It seems to mostly involve disassociating your emotions from a traumatic event. I don't know if that would be right for you as you seem to want to obsess and keep this loser cheater on that high pedestal. I can't see how EDMR can help if your just going to leave a session to  go home and wrap yourself up again in your blanket of romantic memories and obsessive thoughts. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, anika99 said:

I can't see how EDMR can help if your just going to leave a session to  go home and wrap yourself up again in your blanket of romantic memories and obsessive thoughts. 

I too agree that SSE is the perfect candidate for CBT. But, this is also the very reason why she may not find it helpful. If you decide to do CBT, you need to be prepared to do the work. It takes commitment to change unhealthy patterns of thinking/behavior and it will not work if your answer to everything is going to be “yeah, but... I love the guy and I just can’t let go of those feelings.”

Edited May 23, 2020 by BaileyB

[SSE]

Every morning I wake up with this heavy pain in my chest. It hurts so much and to have that pain go away, I imagine I put a knife through my heart. So I would die and that pain would be away. I feel this pain for quite some time now in changing intensities, actually throughout the entire affair. So I feel this pain for already 4 years. It has to stop, it really has to stop. 

I feel a kind of loss. During our NC I had this tiny bit of hope he would come back to me. I couldn't let him go in my mind. But now I know of this second child... My hope is crushed. I have to accept that I will never be with the man I love. Even now he said again he would leave her when the second child was older. But that I shouldn't wait for that. He doesn't realize that was the same thing he said when they had their first child... And still he made her pregnant again. All lies. Who is he kidding? He will never leave her. And even if he did, I don't think he would come back to me. He doesn't love me. When I told him I loved him, he wished me good luck with so much pity in his voice. 

I have to accept that and move on. Accept that I will never hear or see him again. I don't know how to do that because it hurts so much. I know this is going to sound stupid, but he used to say he wanted his second child with me... I feel so stupid, but it hurts he had his second child with her. He has the family I long for. I'm all alone, will never have a family with him and that hurts. I think about that a lot. I still love him. And I don't want that anymore. I don't want to pine my whole life for someone that doesn't want me. That treated me with so little love and respect. But still I love the guy! I even feel some kind of fear that I have lost him forever. 

I need help, I can't do it on my own. The pain is really heavy, it gets in my way. I have a really hard time focussing at work. And, even now I catch myself thinking he will be available in a few years, however I know realistically that will never be the case! He even said I didn't have to wait for him. The guy doesn't want you and never will SSE, I'm screaming to myself!!! But yet I sometimes think that he will be available some day. And I want that gone. I don't want to think anymore there will ever be a future for us because it will stand in the way of my future relationships. It will stand in the way to live my life to the fullest. I want room in my head and heart for someone new. For someone that does love me and wants to be with me, not just for sex. I don't want to think anymore he's a poor man trapped in a bad marriage. I want to feel anger in some way because of what his selfish behaviour did to me. But I don't. I still go back to how much I love him and want to be with him    I feel I will never love anyone again the way I love him and that I will have to be alone for the rest of my life or that I will have to settle for someone I don't love. Settle for a life without love. 

I'm already some time in therapy now, talking about what happened. I don't feel I make that much progress. It helps in some way to get it off my chest, but the pain and thinking about MM didn't go away or changed. Is it even possible to change my way of thinking about him? I think he's the love of my life in some way. What I feel for him, I've never felt for anyone else. But at the same time nobody hurt me that much the way he hurt me. What do I need to do dear people of LS? I think I have suffered enough. I need help, the right help! I can't get out of this on my own. 

My friend suggested EMDR because it would reduce the intensity of the pain I currently feel. That's why I would love to try it, but I have no experience with it. When I was still in the affair, I had some CBT, but it didn't work for me. That's why I don't know if I want to give it another try. I didn't connect with that therapist and I indeed found the exercises quite stupid. It didn't seem to help me to relieve my pain and to think differently about him. But I really need help!! I know I'm a good woman and don't deserve the pain I'm feeling now although you might disagree. I don't know what to do, but I feel I need other help because it seems to me that just talking about it doesn't help me anymore. Just like I'm doing to you guys. You all say the same things to me, over and over again, but it doesn't seem to sink in. Maybe I should get myself commited? I really want to change, I don't want to life my whole life in pain. I can't handle it anymore. 

[Amethyst68]

Quote

 

 Even now he said again he would leave her when the second child was older. But that I shouldn't wait for that. He doesn't realize that was the same thing he said when they had their first child... And still he made her pregnant again. All lies. 

Quote

 

Wait a minute all the righteous indignation a few posts ago about finding out him cheating on a pregnant woman and this being a step too far. What you wrote here indicates you had no problem cheating with him the first time she was pregnant.

You contradict yourself a lot, earlier you wrote you've never done CBT now you did it during the time of your affair. Which is it?

[SSE]

When I was in the middle of the affair, I went to see my first therapist. It was a very young girl, just graduated who practiced CBT. I only had 2 sessions with her. She regularly checked her phone during our sessions. It felt like she didn't want to help me or that my problem wasn't bad enough to stay focused during our talk, so I bailed after 2 sessions of CBT. Actually I had some CBT, but only 2 sessions. Maybe I should try again but with another therapist that gives me a good feeling? Maybe I will take the exercises more serious? I don't know. I do know that only talking about it doesn't seem to help me to get out of this mess. 

When I first met MM, he already had his first child. She wasn't pregnant then. But I still remember him saying that he would leave her. At first he wanted to leave her right away, but after some time he said he would leave as the child would be older. And now there's a second child and I hear him saying the same things he used to say in the past. But if you meant what you said about your first child, why making her pregnant again? He's lying. The history repeats itself. 

I know! I don't get myself, but that's the way I feel. I find it horrible what he wanted to do! But my mind switches enormously. One minute, it's I want him gone and the next minute, I realize I still love and miss him and find it sad he will never be in my life again. Although he caused me so much pain. It's like one minute I am mad and the other minute I'm sad and heartbroken. It seems I can't stay mad all the time and I don't know why. I don't do it on purpose, but that's how my mind thinks these days. It's very painful and exhausting. 

I know rationally there's no future. I don't want to pine for years after him. But honestly I don't know what to do. I reread every suggestion you guys put out here, but it's very difficult for me to keep my mind steering in the direction of the thoughts I want. For example, I try to think I'm better of without him. Now I can find someone that really loves me. Now I will not experience hurt and pain anymore like I did the previous years. Now I have a better chance to once start a family of my own. But at the same time I'm scared I will never love again. My mind is very powerful and it also steers me in the direction of a feeling of loss. Thinking I have lost the love of my life and that I will have to settle for a life without love. And it's very difficult for me to counter those thoughts, even though I try , they keep popping up. 

I need some better professional help and guidance. Talking alone doesn't get me anywhere. But the little CBT I took didn't leave a good impression on me. 

[santorini88]

Hi dear 

If you want this MM, you need to be a woman of high value. 

Men fall in love with high value woman..

A woman that they need to fight for,

a woman they need to invest in ( I'm not referring to money, invest interms of time, commitment, care and thinking),

never wear your heart at your sleeve, do not let them know how much you love or crazy about them. We do not live in Hollywood movie whereby you give love to get love. No.. 

You must let them fight to be with you, fight for your attention.. 

They have to do more work in order to fall for you.. 

If you want LOVE from MM.. Start to change now.. 

Is not how you look.. Is how you present yourself.. 

Go to You Tube.. Check out Mindful Attraction 2.0 by alexis and Greta Relationship coach ( how to be a woman of high value) 

You will know what I'm talking about.. 

[assertives]

1 hour ago, Amethyst68 said:

You contradict yourself a lot

^^^ This. I also find that you contradict yourself alot. In time to come, I realised perhaps it's just constant mental gymnastics to fit your ideal of who he is to you in your mind.

You said no one has ever made you feel what MM made you feel. But the only type of attention he gave you was sexual and you hated it. So what exactly do you actually like about how he made you feel? The pain? The validation through sex?? 

You keep re-emphasizing to us and more likely to yourself that you love, love, love, L.O.V.E. him. Almost like the more you say it, the more it must come through. All your posts on here is just you going in cycles about how much you love him with the capital L and the pain you feel. I've said this before the last time you posted about scouring the internet trying to find stories about success stories of xMMs coming back to their OWs. You should be looking for success stories on getting over to the other side instead. You just don't want to let go. Like I said, no therapy can help you if you are unwilling to help yourself. I would challenge the thought that what you felt for MM was actually love, cos it really doesn't seem like love to me. 

1 hour ago, SSE said:

Thinking I have lost the love of my life and that I will have to settle for a life without love.

Thing is, HE IS MARRIED, he was never yours to begin with. You can't lose what was never yours to begin with. I read on somewhere before that your true love or soulmate wouldn't be someone's husband/wife.

Lastly, I don't know if you are religious, but perhaps you might want to seek it out? It might also really help you.

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, assertives said:

You just don't want to let go. Like I said, no therapy can help you if you are unwilling to help yourself. 

This, is exactly why CBT didn’t help and the exercises where stupid. You were not invested, you didn’t do the work, you are not ready to let this go. You are looking for a magic switch to turn off these feelings. You are looking for a miracle cure. But there is no magic switch, no miracle cure, no special therapy/omniscient therapist. You need to do the work, change your thinking, change your life. 

The mellodrama doesn’t serve you... the pain, it’s like a knife in my heart. I will just have to accept that I will NEVER get the man I LOVE... You need to be challenging these thoughts, you really don’t need to create mellow drama...

Edited May 24, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
typo

[SSE]

My mind is all over the place. I'm very anxious again. I don't want to be dramatic, I described the way I feel. I have a heavy chest and in my mind the image of a knife that would stab my heart pops up. In that way the pain would be gone.

I think I love the guy, don't know what else it could be? Even after everything that happened. Those feelings do not magically vanish. I know I can't handle contact with him anymore which means I will never hear him anymore. That makes me sad. Which surprises a lot of people who know what happened between us. 

I've been thinking and my fear of being single played also a role in my affair with MM. He was my first in many ways and it felt nice to get attention, although most of the attention was sexual. I remember I was very scared of standing up against him because I could possibly lose him if I did. Finally I found love and I didn't want to lose it. I was like a puppet on a string. But eventually, you have to stop because the pain becomes too much. 

The same thing happened with BF. The relationship wasn't enough for me, but it took me a while before I had the guts to dump him. Reason: I was scared of being all alone again. I don't want to go through life all by myself. Especially because I want to have a child of my own someday that I would love to raise in a family. I know you can't predict the future, but in my mind, that future is going to be bad. Alone, without romantic love or child. I know I'm very focused on that, but it's also something I really want. I also fear I will never love anyone the way I loved MM and that I will have to settle. Like I said, I only see the negative scenario. That's based on my previous experiences with men. I'm also almost 30 and still single. That's old to be single. If I compare with the people in my environment, I should have had 2 children by now. 

I feel a lot of anxiety in my body because of that negative future scenario. If MM would be in my life as a real partner, that negative scenario would be gone. And I would be with someone I also love, not someone I have to settle for. That sounds as a great future. I also feel something else which I don't know if I'm allowed to feel. I feel it's not fair that he gets off without any scars, without any pain. While he was the one who started this whole thing. I'm still a mess years after the affair begon. He in the meanwhile built a little family and a wealthy home. It feels not fair even though I participated. I never asked for the push-pull and all the lies. But I don't know if I'm allowed to feel that. I don't want to become a bitter old lady. 

I'm not religious. 

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, SSE said:

I think I love the guy, don't know what else it could be? Even after everything that happened. Those feelings do not magically vanish. 

Sure they do. A guy uses me for sex, while his wife is pregnant - I learn the truth about his cheating ways and I get angry! He better not come ‘round my house again or I’m going to chase him down the street with my car... He calls me, I tell him to lose my number because if he calls me again I’m going to call his wife and tell her all about the lying cheating fool she married. He comes to my work, I call the police. I’m done with him, and after I’ve told him what I think I’m going to cry my eyes out because I have been such a fool... and then, I’m going to resolve NEVER to do THAT again! 

The rest (learning how to manage anxiety, developing my self esteem, learning how to build a healthy relationship with a man) can be worked out with a therapist. But my response to MM would be pretty clear, there would be no lingering feelings except anger, shame, and remorse.

Edited May 25, 2020 by BaileyB

[assertives]

7 hours ago, SSE said:

He in the meanwhile built a little family and a wealthy home. It feels not fair even though I participated.

That's because he continued to work at his life, growing it and adding to it. While you put yours to a complete standstill just waiting and hoping on him while at the same time, also comparing yourself to others, wallowing in self-pity about your weight, about yours and everyone else's relationship statuses around you. You have the right to be angry, but you need to own your own actions, choices and decisions in this. He has been quite upfront and blunt in letting you know he doesn't feel the same way as you. But you have only doubled down in your desire and obsession in wanting him. 

7 hours ago, SSE said:

If MM would be in my life as a real partner, that negative scenario would be gone. And I would be with someone I also love, not someone I have to settle for. That sounds as a great future.

Except that you'll also get 2 step kids who'd probably hate you for being that woman who broke their family up and hurt their mother, an angry ex wife plus a slew of women who he would sext and send dick pics to and a slew of OWs to take your now vacated place. Or, you may also get to experience what it's like to be cheated on when you're pregnant just like his wife.

I know I personally wouldn't want to risk my life to bare kids for a faithless man and to bring children into this mess of a situation. I'm frankly not sure why after all this, you'd think this "future" is so enticing to you. 

7 hours ago, SSE said:

I also fear I will never love anyone the way I loved MM and that I will have to settle.

Also, another way to look at this is: you don't want to love anyone the way you "loved" MM. You want a love that is better, healthier and more sustainable long-term than this obsession and self-hate/insecurity/daddy issues projection re-packaged into "love" that you are feeling for this MM. You'd want a relationship that can make you thrive and be a better version of yourself and both of you bring out the best in each other. That should be your focus and should be the kind of environment you hope to bring and raise kids in. Not this s***storm. 

Edited May 25, 2020 by assertives

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, SSE said:

I also fear I will never love anyone the way I loved MM and that I will have to settle.

I would rather be single forever than love someone the way that you have loved this man - as assertives so wisely put it, this self-hate/insecurity/daddy issues projection that somehow got labeled “love” in your mind. I would rather be single forever, and ever, and ever...

Quote

If MM would be in my life as a real partner, that negative scenario would be gone. And I would be with someone I also love, not someone I have to settle for. That sounds as a great future.

But that’s not reality. He is not a real partner, not to you and not to the woman to whom he is married. As assertives says, if he was your husband you would experience the “joy” of a cheating husband, a broken family, and it would be FAR from the fantasy you have spun... You would be settling in ways that you can’t even imagine...

Edited May 25, 2020 by BaileyB

[Dexterr]

Not to be harsh but you are a grown woman. You enabled him to treat you badly, you let yourself get to this point. You can choose to take your life and control back, or you can choose to wallow in self-pity forever, letting people treat you as they please. Get your feet back down on Earth and find a therapist who can help you.

[Lylalou]

This is getting painful to read, I know how hard ending an affair is, mine was 7 yrs and I loved him dearly and still do to a certain extent but I couldn’t live with the doubt, the hurt, the not feeling good enough anymore. Like @bailey said I’d rather be on my own than live with the constant anxiety.
I’m 10 months no contact, he tried contacting me to see how I am during lockdown and my birthday and yes it threw me back to an anxious place again but I’m ok, I didn’t contact him and hopefully I can move on again 2 months till a whole year. Please stop enabling him. I promise if I can do it anyone can!!

[mark clemson]

19 hours ago, SSE said:

My mind is all over the place. I'm very anxious again. I don't want to be dramatic, I described the way I feel. I have a heavy chest and in my mind the image of a knife that would stab my heart pops up. In that way the pain would be gone.

I think I love the guy, don't know what else it could be? Even after everything that happened. Those feelings do not magically vanish. I know I can't handle contact with him anymore which means I will never hear him anymore.

To expedite "getting over this" you might seriously consider moving to a new city if that's at all possible for you (e.g. you could keep your job or find a similar one, etc). Making contact with him impossible (or close to it) may help the parts of your brain that are involuntarily triggered to "calm down".  So think about that.

In the meantime, be sure you're spending at least 10-15 minutes outside. This will help restore your serotonin levels. It's a bit subtle, but it may help "take the edge off" your emotional distress slightly. Other things that make you happy, like cute kitten Youtube videos or whatnot might help a bit as well. Also exercise within your capacity.

You probably won't be able to fully feel "this much" in love for something like 10 years or so, due to your brain adjusting. Indeed, it's possible you may never feel it, since full-on limerence is associated with barriers and dysfunctional relationships where you can't fully have the other person (such as affairs). Normal relationships don't generally make your chest ache with longing, at least in my experience

That doesn't mean you can't enjoy a normal, healthy, loving relationship with a husband and have some kids. But IMO you'll need to be realistic about what's actually possible emotion-wise, simply based on brain chemistry. You can still enjoy super-fun NRE and healthy loving time together, sex, etc, which is the kind of stuff I believe most healthy relationships are founded on anyhow. And that should be plenty. That's not settling, that's normal and healthy, IMO.

[SSE]

I remember a moment I dared to stand up against him. He was talking about having a vacation with his wife and it was killing me. Told him I loved him as well and that I was sick and tired of all the secrecy. He scared a bit. Told me he would leave me alone for the summer. Told me I should f*** a lot of other men. He would divorce, no doubt about that, but when he didn't know. I shouldn't wait for him. I should be able to find someone soon because I'm still young. And off he went. I thought we were done. First time I dared to tell him how I was feeling and I got dumped. Didn't have the best summer... I got the picture and didn't contact him again. 

But after the summer he indeed came back. Wanted to know how I've been doing. Wanted to know everything about my love life. How many men I had been f***ing while actually another man wast the last thing on my mind. Something he didn't seem to understand. He wanted to meet again. When I confronted him with what he said before the summer, he claimed I took everything he had said too serious. He said all those things because he wanted me to experience other men so I would be sure I wanted to be with him. Made it seem as I was exaggerating. I really began to doubt myself but eventually told him I didn't want to meet anymore. He told me "okay, till never again then!". That made me cry intensely, knewing I would never meet him again. 

A month later, I had a car accident. I had troubles at work. I felt really sad about losing MM. And at moment, he texted me. I texted back and it felt so nice hearing him again. We would call and he said things weren't going great, that he missed me, that he wanted to see me. He even asked if I would move for him because we live 60 miles apart. I was feeling really bad and being with him made me happy, so I caved and met with him. Only to get hurtful comments again after sex. " You will meet your Mr. Right someday, but you can't be too picky. Give also the ugly men a chance". That was the last time I saw him. I didn't need relationship advice from him. 

After that moment, he contacted me several times with a few weeks of NC in between. I declined his invitations to meet everytime and requested to be left alone. It was really hard for me to decline him each time. And now I have discovered he even tried to meet with me when his wife was pregnant again. While he knew I didn't only want sex. While he knew I wanted a real relationship. While he knew I was hurting so much. While he knew he would never leave her. But all of that didn't seem to matter to him. He could get sex from me. I love someone who made me feel like a whore. Like I didn't have much more worth than that. 

What I'm trying to say is, that from the outside it seems really easy to just say no and to not enable him. I've told myself a hundred times I'm a stupid cow! I recognized a pattern: attract SSE with some talk - get her to meet and have sex - SSE becomes emtional and wants me to leave her alone - eventually she will cave again after some time. But still it took me several times and a lot of pain to say no and stick to it. You don't know what it's like. He was my first love. He was the first man that really noticed me and gave me attention. I finally found love/was in love and was so scared to lose it. You know I have the doomsday scenario in my mind. He was some kind of hope to have a happy life. You're going to say that being single is not that bad, but I long for someone special in my life. I also noticed it with my ex-BF. I find life more fun when being in a relationship. It wasn't that easy for me to say no even though I recognized the pattern. I try to be gentle with myself and not tell myself too frequently I am a stupid cow. Even now after I contacted him again. 

And it's not that he made it easy for me in the past by keeping contact with me. When I was in NC, I started to date and met this guy who was very quick hung up on me (the guy that couldn't let go when we hugged if you rememeber it). I told him I didn't feel the same. He requested NC because it hurt too much. I respected that. He came back a few weeks after and wanted to meet again as friends. I said no, not because I didn't want to because he's a fun guy to hang out with, but for his own benefit. I knew he would get his hopes up again and I didn't want that. I try to treat people that way. MM always claimed we were such good friends. But is this how you treat your friends? Wouldn't you respect that first request for NC? Wouldn't you apologize? And would you still try to get sex with me after I told it hurt me so much? He's such a good friend that he has taken advantage of my feelings for him to get some sex. A true friend indeed. 

Still, I don't feel angry. Instead I feel a lot of pain and sadness. I have to give up on him which also makes the doomsday scenario pop up again in my head. When I was with my ex-BF, it felt like settling. We were a good team and managed our relationship well, but there wasn't enough romantic love from my side. Off course, MM was also still in my mind and heart. I want more than just normal, I want to have someone that gives me butterflies, especially in the beginning of our relationship. My ex-BF never gave me that feeling but MM did. Even way before we started the affair he already gave me butterflies. I want to be with someone that gives me butterflies again. Or is that not realistic to ever experience that again? Because of my feelings for MM? Because I don't feel well? I don't know, but I feel like my time is ticking. And I think that will eventually make me settle... It's not the doomsday scenario because I won't be alone, but it's also not a happy scenario... 

[Amethyst68]

Quote

FYI there are a lot of playas out there who specifically target married women with low self esteem because they know how exactly how to manipulate low self esteem into becoming their personal side whore.  They have whole game routines based around it.  So be careful, not only are you not immune, but you're a specific target to a certain type RL guy who wants some strings-free sex.

This is a quote from someone in the infidelity forum, it was made to a MW who has just come out of an EA and warning her about the dangers of men who target women like her, shy with low self esteem.

I think this is relevant to all women not only married ones. You think your MM saw you but I think he saw someone who fit the above pattern, someone he could mould into that person who would accept practically nothing from him but would always want more.

Just something to think about.

[heartwhole2]

I read some advice about how to handle a friend who "catastrophizes" everything recently. We're going around in circles here. You tell us you will never love anyone except MM. We tell you that's silly. You come up with some other reason why it's too hard to let go or there's no one else you could feel that way about.

So OK . . . Yes. I think xMM is the only man you will ever fall in love with. I think there's just one single person in the whole world we could fall in love with and this cheater who singled you out at work is it for you. I think you're completely incapable of ever growing or changing or healing. I think you will be stuck like this forever. I think you will never be happy unless you get to be with this one lying, cheating, cruel man. I think you'll have to settle for someone else because true love is being strung along by a selfish cheater.

What do you say? Do you agree? 

[assertives]

Not much left to say at this point. Nothing we've tried to tell you has gotten through to you or even made a dent in your focus on wanting to stay in this hell. All that whole chunk of text you've written above are just paraphrases of the same things you've repeated on here for pages on end.

1 hour ago, heartwhole2 said:

Yes. I think xMM is the only man you will ever fall in love with. I think there's just one single person in the whole world we could fall in love with and this cheater who singled you out at work is it for you. I think you're completely incapable of ever growing or changing or healing. I think you will be stuck like this forever. I think you will never be happy unless you get to be with this one lying, cheating, cruel man. I think you'll have to settle for someone else because true love is being strung along by a selfish cheater.

What @heartwhole2 said above is probably spot on. I remember Henry Ford said "if you think you can or think you can't, you are right." You think you can't and have also worked hard at internalising that and convincing not just yourself but also strangers on this board who don't know you to believe that you can't. So this will be your reality that you'll continue to live until you decide to change. 

At this point, after so many cycles, I'm starting to lose track of the story. What exactly do you want moving forward? Is it to move on from this? To continue to hope on this? Or just to stay put and do nothing? Something to think about instead of your unhealthy obsession with someone's cheating husband, and then do something, anything about it.

Edited May 26, 2020 by assertives

[BaileyB]

SSE, I do think you have made progress in that you do say some things that I’m quite sure you’ve heard from your counsellor, your friends, and the people on this board. So, some of what has been said has been heard. Where you are having difficulty is actually applying the knowledge. What you are doing right now is called looping. You are falling back into comforting, but self destructive patterns and quite literally, looping through obsessive thought patterns.

I hope that you find a way to let this go and move past it, because someday you are going to realize that you have quite literally wasted your life over a dead end relationship that never should never have been at all.

My wish for you is that you find a new counsellor and do the work - work hard your mental health such that you don’t stay stuck like this forever. Best wishes.

Edited May 26, 2020 by BaileyB

[LynneVicious]

I say this gently: but you are not in the right mindset for any kind of relationship. People should only date and be in relationships when they themselves are emotionally healthy enough. You are not.
 

You absolutely should not date until you get yourself in a healthy emotional state and find happiness within yourself. it’s clear this is an obsession you have with the mm. That is not healthy. At all. 
 

You should put all dating, relationships and otherwise completely off the table for now. Period. Go to therapy to help you stop with the pity party and reliving everything the mm said, did or didn’t do. Learn to rely on yourself for happiness, not anyone else. And certainly not a lying, cheating mm. 
 

Once you’re in a healthy frame of mind and are HAPPY, then date and share your happiness and life with someone else. 

[SSE]

15 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

I read some advice about how to handle a friend who "catastrophizes" everything recently.

What do you mean? Am I the friend who catastrophizes? To me it felt he was taking advantage of my feelings for him, I don't think I exaggerated like he said. I don't consider us friends, at least not friend according to my definition.

15 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

So OK . . . Yes. I think xMM is the only man you will ever fall in love with. I think there's just one single person in the whole world we could fall in love with and this cheater who singled you out at work is it for you. I think you're completely incapable of ever growing or changing or healing. I think you will be stuck like this forever. I think you will never be happy unless you get to be with this one lying, cheating, cruel man. I think you'll have to settle for someone else because true love is being strung along by a selfish cheater.

I'm really scared. He's gone now forever and that makes me scared. He had to because I cannot take the hurt anymore, but it makes me sad and scared. He's the only man so far I ever loved, even after all the dates I have had. There was not someone that really got to me, except my ex-BF but after a while I also realized I didn't feel enough for him. So after meeting all those men, after being more than a year in NC, I still have feelings for MM. The feelings aren't gone after all that time. It may seems ridiculous to you, but based on my experiences, I'm really scared I will never find anyone else were I also have romantic feelings for, that I will always love MM and that I'll indeed be stuck in pain. Thinking about his perfect, happy life and me having the entire opposite. You may think I'm a stupid girl for thinking this, but I'm really scared that this will be my future. I'm so scared this will be the reality, based om my previous experiences. Keep loving someone that made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Like I was nothing more than a whore. Being alone or being with someone I don't love so I wouldn't be alone for the rest of my life. While I don't want that at all! But this is what my mind keeps saying to me and that makes me really scared. Makes it also really hard to let him go in my mind. 

What I said in my previous post about the affair was to point out it wasn't that easy to 'just' stop enabling him like one poster said even though you recognize the pattern. He made me doubt my decisions. And I loved the guy, I longed for someone special and I was so scared of losing that. It took me some time to finally say no. To give up a future that you really want. I know I had the power to make my own decisions, but trust me, it really wasn't that easy to 'just' stop enabling him. You finally do because all the hurt becomes too much, but that was a extremely hard thing for me to do. I had to give up om so many things I really longed for. I doubt MM ever realized how hard it was for me to keep saying no to him. Even though he knew I was unhappy and longed for a real relationship. I guess I'm back in my loop there again? I don't even realize I'm doing it. 

I'm wondering about something else. You say, what you think becomes your reality. But it's not because I would think positive things like "I want to have a great husband and some kids someday" that that will come true? There are a lot of things you can't control and can't know. You can't control love. I could be barren or die tomorrow for example. How is thinking positive things than helpful in my case? I don't think just because I think positive about my wish for a little family that that wish will come true, isn't it? 

I remembered the name of the therapy I've been following: psychodynamic therapy. But I don't feel it's working at all. All I ever did was talking about MM and my pain and hurt. 

Edited May 27, 2020 by SSE