He's really gone this time

[mark clemson]

13 hours ago, SSE said:

I haven't heard from MM in a while and I also didn't initiate contact myself anymore. However, at the moment I'm experiencing something else which I don't know is normal. I feel a lot of anxiety in my mind and body. I'm literally scared. It's hard focusing on work. Even though there's no contact and nothing has been mentioned recently about meeting up again, I'm scared. Scared I will be in a lot of pain again.

PS My therapist told me this morning she probably will resume her appointments at the end of this month. Looking forward to that. I didn't search for another therapist because I didn't want to share my story again with someone else while I have a good connection with my current one. 

This sounds like something you need to talk to your therapist about. If your anxiety gets TOO bad there are meds for it which should help, but talking to her is presumably the best starting point I would think.

[SSE]

MM called me last Friday. I answered and basically it was a monologue about how he wanted to meet, how he would love to see me again, if I still have such good lips to give a bj and that he thinks he would f*** me at least 7 or 8 times when he sees me... He also requested some nude pictures which I did not sent (never have and never will, didn't even do it with my ex-boyfriend). He was very horny. I didn't say much during the conversation, only that it will take a long time before we can meet due to the virus. I don't want to take any risk which he understood. 

After the converstation, I felt bad. Sex sex sex... Felt again like a sex object. My anxiety rose and I decided to tell him. I decided I didn't want to act anymore like everything was okay. So I sent a text telling him I am hestitant to meet. Telling him that I had a lot of pain in the past because of his actions and that I am really scared to go through that again. (Sounds hypocrite, I know, because I was the one that made contact again). I didn't get an answer back. Not surprising, but it hurts. I don't know why he didn't respond anymore. He doesn't care? He decided to leave me alone because he doesn't want to hurt me anymore? Even so, a short reply would have been appreciated, even if it was a rejection. Something like, okay, best thing we don't meet again then. Take care. I know I sent him a text in the past requesting I didn't want any more contact. I didn't just stop replying, I thought he deserved to know why I didn't want any more contact. Guess I don't get the same "respect" back. 

Due to the lack of response, I feel sad. It hurts to know you're not important. I feel unworthy. I feel so much less than his wife. She gets to have his love, I don't. She must be so much better than me. She's more beautiful, slim, wealthy, ambitious, etc. A friend told me this is really dangerous thinking of me. "It's already very painful to know you're not important to someone that is important to you, but you also need to add some more pain by thinking he loves her so much and not you. Why else would he stay with her? And because of that reason she must be such a wonderful person. And you don't get his love, so you're not a wonderful person" she said. It's like I'm digging a deeper hole for myself.

Does anyone recognizes this? Or does anyone knows why I keep doing this? I don't know... Maybe it's because my father often told me that I can't get a decent man because of my looks? That I shouldn't be too picky and lower my expectations because of the way I look? Even now he tells me my sister in law looks so much better than me and is such a great person. I'm very hard and negative for myself. Sometimes I feel I have no worth at all. My father and brother always give comments, MM doesn't want me and my ex-boyfriend also made comments about my appearance... It's like I am never good enough the way I am. 

Edited May 14, 2020 by SSE

[ElecLibre]

12 minutes ago, SSE said:

I feel sad. It hurts to know you're not important. I feel unworthy. I feel so much less than his wife. She gets to have his love, I don't.

Hi SSE, I'm sorry you're going through this, it's a terrible feeling to feel rejected. However I am going to give you some tough love - and this is coming from an OW herself so I really DO understand what you feel but you need to change your thinking patterns NOW otherwise you'll dig yourself into a deep deep hole of misery. 

You feel less than his wife, yes, you should. They are together, they made a commitment. You, as an OW was never going to be more than her - just a distraction from the problem or a fun sidepiece. I know it's hard to hear but it's true and you know it deep inside. This is something OWs need to remind themselves constantly and if they can't handle this reality they should leave the affair for good. 

16 minutes ago, SSE said:

She must be so much better than me.

It's not even about comparison, it's about him having made a commitment to her and building a life with her before you came along. In every realtionship there is something bonding people and in marriage it is stability. As an OW, you aren't in a position to provide stability, you are the secret, the spontaneous meetings, the lying and hiding and adrenaline rush. But that wears out. At the end of the day, stability is just the more viable option. 

18 minutes ago, SSE said:

I'm very hard and negative for myself. Sometimes I feel I have no worth at all.

I'm really sorry you feel this way but I really do think you need to take some time off from the men in your life and get a therapist - work on learning to love yourself because no matter how cliché it sounds, it's true : you will never be able to receive love if you don't love yourself and know your own worth. You can't keep counting on emotionally unavailable people to fill a void.

I really hope this can be an eye opening experience  for you to start working on yourself, I wish you all the best. 

[Dexterr]

21 minutes ago, SSE said:

MM called me last Friday. I answered and basically it was a monologue about how he wanted to meet, how he would love to see me again, if I still have such good lips to give a bj and that he thinks he would f*** me at least 7 or 8 times when he sees me... He also requested some nude pictures which I did not sent (never have and never will, didn't even do it with my ex-boyfriend). He was very horny. I didn't say much during the conversation, only that it will take a long time before we can meet due to the virus. I don't want to take any risk which he understood. 

After the converstation, I felt bad. Sex sex sex... Felt again like a sex object. My anxiety rose and I decided to tell him. I decided I didn't want to act anymore like everything was okay. So I sent a text telling him I am hestitant to meet. Telling him that I had a lot of pain in the past because of his actions and that I am really scared to go through that again. (Sounds hypocrite, I know, because I was the one that made contact again). I didn't get an answer back. Not surprising, but it hurts. I don't know why he didn't respond anymore. He doesn't care? He decided to leave me alone because he doesn't want to hurt me anymore? Even so, a short reply would have been appreciated, even if it was a rejection. Something like, okay, best thing we don't meet again then. Take care. I know I sent him a text in the past requesting I didn't want any more contact. I didn't just stop replying, I thought he deserved to know why I didn't want any more contact. Guess I don't get the same "respect" back. 

Due to the lack of response, I feel sad. It hurts to know you're not important. I feel unworthy. I feel so much less than his wife. She gets to have his love, I don't. She must be so much better than me. She's more beautiful, slim, wealthy, ambitious, etc. A friend told me this is really dangerous thinking of me. "It's already very painful to know you're not important to someone that is important to you, but you also need to add some more pain by thinking he loves her so much and not you. Why else would he stay with her? And because of that reason she must be such a wonderful person. And you don't get his love, so you're not a wonderful person" she said. It's like I'm digging a deeper hole for myself.

Does anyone recognizes this? Or does anyone knows why I keep doing this? I don't know... Maybe it's because my father often told me that I can't get a decent man because of my looks? That I shouldn't be too picky and lower my expectations because of the way I look? Even now he tells me my sister in law looks so much better than me and is such a great person. I'm very hard and negative for myself. Sometimes I feel I have no worth at all. My father and brother always give comments, MM doesn't want me and my ex-boyfriend also made comments about my appearance... It's like I am never good enough the way I am. 

You took sex off the table and he bailed. You COULD get love, respect and appreciation. Catch is, you get something like that from a man. Not a married coward.

[lana-banana]

 

The fanatical repetition of jealous thoughts about his wife, the "beauty = worthiness" comments, the reminders of your weight that loom like towering pillars casting shadows over everything else you say...sometimes I think the MM is just a means by which you're playing out a deeper psychological drama. If it wasn't him, it'd be someone else who had the capacity to give you validation (a boss? A friend? A teacher?) and who instead gave it to someone more conventionally attractive (a coworker, another student, etc). Yes, this guy is a jerk who has told you exactly what he thinks you're worth, but you're responding so strongly because you believe it, and every time he does it he's reinforcing your beliefs that only beautiful people are good and worthy of love.

When you post I get the sense you're longing for someone here to tell you that you're wrong, that of course you're a great person who deserves love and all these things, only so you can "refute" it with "proof" that others don't think you're worthy either. You are trying to make some point about your own unworthiness with us, just like you are with the MM. And if you are really unworthy, then you don't have to try to change anything.

There is a reason you continue to tolerate his behavior and his rejections and it's not because you think you'll be his wife someday. You are addicted to the negative reinforcement. Forget about breaking the cycle: until you WANT to break it, you won't get anywhere.

 

[SSE]

I may say some things that will make BS go what the f*** does she think, but this is the OW/OM forum, so I hope I can speak openly without being judged. I currently have no therapist to talk to as therapy probably will restart at the end of this month. 

This may sound so stupid, but you know what's the only thing I ever wanted? His love. Not the sex. I wanted him to love me. But I don't get love. She gets good treatment and his love and I get s***ty treatment. So I think, she's must be so much better than me and that he loves her so much, why else treating me basically like a free prostitute??? There are stories of MM on this forum who did treat their OW nicer than he ever treated me. Don't why I got such treatment, but according to him, I have no worth and she's everything. If you would see her pictures on fb, you would see what a beautiful person she is compared to me. Don't know about her character, but I guess it's great also. He almost never said anything bad about her. He knows I (still) love him. I wish he could see I have some other worth than being a free prostitute. I know you can't make people fall in love with you, but basically that's all I wanted, for him to love me the way I cared for him.

My friend asked me why I even want the love of someone that treated me that way. I couldn't give her an answer. 

I understand what you say about stability, however I also think I have stability to offer. I have a good job, a car of my own and hopefully a place of my own soon. I would move for him and honestly I would do my very best for his child so the child doesn't lack anything. However, he would not see his child every day and he would not have that luxurious life style anymore. That's some serious stuff. And off course, you cannot know if our relationship should last. I do know though I would be anxious because I know what he's capable of. I'm a mess. And it's because of my own doing, I know.

I have never heard anything different than not being good/beautiful enough from my own brother and father. I still hear it from my dad regulary. When I was younger I was told I couldn't get a lawyer or doctor as a husband, I should settle for someone obese as well. My brother is tall and slim and basically can get any girl he wants. I get told my slim sister in law is much more pretty than me to look at. I get told I should settle because if it takes too long no one else will want me. Even the obese ones will be taken. MM also made comments about my weight, just like my ex-boyfriend (they still had sex with me though). It's hard not to believe that worth and beauty aren't related to each other, at least if I hear the men in my environment.

I don't need you guys to tell me I am good enough. You don't even know me, how can you tell? I just describe the way I'm feeling. 

Edited May 14, 2020 by SSE

[BaileyB]

54 minutes ago, SSE said:

This may sound so stupid, but you know what's the only thing I ever wanted? His love. Not the sex.

My friend asked me why I even want the love of someone that treated me that way. I couldn't give her an answer. 

I don't need you guys to tell me I am good enough. You don't even know me, how can you tell?

Very simply, you want his love because you don’t love yourself. 

And you are most definitely addicted to the negative reinforcement. Read back on this thread, not a single person has told you that you are not good enough. Rather, we have spent our valuable time trying to show you that you are worth more than this, that you should never accept this kind of treatment from a man. The person who continually insists that you are not enough is YOU. 

Edited May 14, 2020 by BaileyB

[assertives]

 

1 hour ago, SSE said:

I understand what you say about stability, however I also think I have stability to offer. I have a good job, a car of my own and hopefully a place of my own soon. I would move for him and honestly I would do my very best for his child so the child doesn't lack anything

Whatever stability you have to offer, offer it to an available man. Not to someone who is already married and has his own family. 

Also, with all due respect, his child lacks nothing now and frankly, doesn't need you to do your very best for him. The child has his own mother! If anything, you would be breaking up his family, his world that he knows and his stability. He doesn't need a replacement mother, family or stability.

@lana-banana Made a very good point. I urge you to write that down, mull over it with the same intensity and energy you spend to disparage yourself, compare yourself to your brother, your sister-in-law and MM's wife and convincing yourself all the good things you assumed about their lives must have because they are physically attractive or slim. Also bring it to your therapist and get his or her opinion and perhaps to work through that with you. 

No one here ever said you are worthless, you are the only one who is beyond convinced that you are worthless. You really need to WANT to and intentionally work on your self-esteem and self-worth. Because I can assure you that with that mentality you have about physical attractiveness = success in life, relationships, moral standing and character, you will still struggle with the same self-worth issues even if you dropped several dress sizes. You will just be finding new things about yourself to find fault with.

Edited May 14, 2020 by assertives

[heartwhole2]

Your father is projecting onto you because of his own brokenness. He is wrong. Healthy people don't place value on good looks and status like that, and they don't verbally abuse people. 

You ask how we can tell you are good enough? Because you are a human being. Because I don't value you based on your job or your partner or how you look. People have a wide variety in physical type that they are attracted to and beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder. 

[SSE]

What is negative reinforcement (English isn't my native tongue, and I don't find that good info on Google)? 

Off course I know his child lacks nothing know, but I know I wouldn't be someone that would not tolerate the child of someone else. If I would ever meet an available partner that already has a child, I would do my very best for that child, even if it's not my own. 

You maybe say I'm not worthless, but Bailey, into MM's eyes I am worthless!! Just like my father and brother give me that feeling. The wife and sister in law are better, according to them, they do get good treatment and love. I get s***ty treatment and mean comments. If it's not because I'm not good enough in their eyes, why do they keep doing this to me and not to the wife and sister in law? What's the difference between me and them that they get to be loved and I don't? I know I'm not pretty, so what else is then wrong with me that I don't get good treatment? 

[assertives]

18 minutes ago, SSE said:

so what else is then wrong with me that I don't get good treatment? 

I don't understand why you think people's horrible treatment of you is on you instead of on them. Them being horrible to you says more about them rather than you. Ask yourself this, would you be horrible and unkind to someone else you find not attractive or slim? What if your nephew or niece didn't turn out to the hottest or slimmest person, would you say the same s*** that your brother and father say to you to your nephew or niece? I hope that answer is no not because you don't think you have any right to do so because of what you think about yourself, but rather because that's an unnecessarily unkind thing to do or say to anyone. Besides, even if someone is the fattest and ugliest person you've ever come across, that gives NO ONE the right to be mean and/or unkind. I'm sure if you look around the people around you on the streets, you will see married people of all shapes and sizes. I don't believe your street or city is only filled with gorgeous and slim couples.

Your family is toxic, and you are attracting and reliving/recreating the same toxic dynamics in your adult relationships in your choice/s of a life partner. You cannot choose who you are born to, but you can "find your own tribe". Surround yourself with people who are kind, gracious and healthy individuals. 

 

[PhoenixRising8]

SSE, I will be very straight forward ... you have very serious daddy issue.  When our opposite sex parent is abusive towards us or doesn't love or treat us in the way that is healthy, we seem to instinctively gravitate towards those men who treat us the same way in an effort to prove to ourselves we can change the final outcome.  But it only perpetuates the same behaviour because they are the same as our fathers.  This man has treated you horribly.  What on earth is there to be in love with.  You are not in love with him.  You are addicted to how he makes you feel because it is what you are used to ... the feeling of self hate and unworthiness.  There is nothing anyone here can say to make you think something different.  You have to get there yourself with a lot of therapy and finding self awareness.  Good luck.

[BaileyB]

48 minutes ago, SSE said:

You maybe say I'm not worthless, but Bailey, into MM's eyes I am worthless!! 

With respect, I could care less about the opinion of a man who treats you badly. You should feel the same.

Instead of using his rejection as reason to support your preexisting belief that you are not good enough (negative reinforcement), PROVE HIM WRONG! 

Think of it this way, strangers on the internet who have never met you are telling you that you have value. As Heartwhole says, not because of your appearance, the clothing you wear, your job, your bank account, or any other reason... You are worthy because you are a human being.

There are always going to be people who try to put you down, for whatever reason. That reflects on their character, that they would feel the need to do that to another human being, not your own. Why are their opinions more important than your own? More important than the people who love you and support you - your friends, your mother? 

With respect, you will waste your life waiting for other people to prove your own worth to you - quite simply, they are busy living their own lives and they have their own agendas. Besides, you completely discount the people who do -  your mother, your friends, the people who have taken the time to post here. You will quite simply never find the validation you seek from another person... but it seems to me, you are bound and determined to try... because, it’s the easier thing to do. It’s much easier for a man to tell you that you are worthy than for you to do the hard work and stand in your own space and discover it yourself. The thing is- self esteem is like a bottomless pit - unless you have it yourself, nobody will ever be able to fill your bucket enough for you to believe that it is enough. 

Edited May 14, 2020 by BaileyB

[assertives]

33 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It’s much easier for a man to tell you that you are worthy than for you to do the hard work and stand in your own space and discover it yourself. The thing is- self esteem is like a bottomless pit - unless you have it yourself, nobody will ever be able to fill your bucket enough for you to believe that it is enough.

I think another problem also is that even if she does find that man who will treat her right, with respect and she means the world to him, she'll also reject it and still believe herself as worthless and unworthy because that man is not MM and MM still isn't giving her the kind of love one would expect for a spouse. 

OP, I really really hope you take sincere, actionable steps to face your own issues and desire to break from this toxic cycle. Otherwise, when the day comes and you meet the right person, you find yourself not ready or sabotaging your own happiness.

[SSE]

I try to treat everyone the same. I try to be friendly towards everyone, even if I don't love/like them. Why would I treat anyone with less respect even if I don't love them? Doesn't make any sense to me. And that's why I don't understand why MM acts that way. Why his wife gets love and a good treatment and I get s***. Why did he do that? I'm also a human being with feelings, not a sex toy. Why do my father/brother act that way? What's their motive? 

Are you sure I don't love him? It feels like love to me, although I often feel a rise in my anxiety level when he contacts me (and not in a good way). I wished he loved me too. 

@assertives Can you explain this, please?  

47 minutes ago, assertives said:

I think another problem also is that even if she does find that man who will treat her right, with respect and she means the world to him, she'll also reject it and still believe herself as worthless and unworthy because that man is not MM and MM still isn't giving her the kind of love one would expect for a spouse. 

 

[PhoenixRising8]

the "love" his wife gets is superficial at best.  He lies to her and cheats on her.  How is that love?  It isn't in most people's view.  As for are we sure you don't love him, well I suppose you might but really what do you love?  The way he treats you?  His character, integrity and honesty?  His values?  His behaviour?  How he treats people and lives his life?  Nothing I've read about this guy is worthy of love.  Sorry.

[lana-banana]

Trying to determine the motives of others is a fool's errand. People are irrational and confusing, and often dishonest even when they mean well! That's why it's so important to trust in yourself and not rely on others for validation. You have to demand for yourself that you are worthy of love and better treatment, exactly as you are here and now, today. If you demand better you won't tolerate anyone treating you poorly. 

Edited May 14, 2020 by lana-banana

[assertives]

 

1 hour ago, SSE said:

I try to treat everyone the same. I try to be friendly towards everyone, even if I don't love/like them. Why would I treat anyone with less respect even if I don't love them? Doesn't make any sense to me. And that's why I don't understand why MM acts that way. Why his wife gets love and a good treatment and I get s***. Why did he do that? I'm also a human being with feelings, not a sex toy. Why do my father/brother act that way? What's their motive? 

Are you sure I don't love him? It feels like love to me, although I often feel a rise in my anxiety level when he contacts me (and not in a good way). I wished he loved me too. 

@assertives Can you explain this, please?  

 

What I meant by that was even if you met the right person who loves you for who you are and treats you well, it would not change your thoughts and beliefs about your own unworthiness. Because that right person is not MM, and you want only MM to tell you or show you that you are worthy by offering you the kind of love one gives to a husband or wife.

Case in point, look at your own posts where you admitted that there were nice men you dated and even your ex treating you much better than MM. Yet, it didn't shake your belief in your own unworthiness nor did it make you even consider once than you are lovable after all.

On 4/27/2020 at 10:35 PM, SSE said:

My (ex)-boyfriend after MM treated me so much better, but still I had more feelings for MM. It just doensn't make any sense. 

You even mentioned you had many dating opportunities, (20 men?) to develop a relationship and had quite a few who were interested but you didn't feel anything for them. Which is fine, it's normal. But you dismissed their interest and like Bailey said, completely discount the people and even opportunities that tells you you are worth it, choosing to focus only on why MM this and why MM that. If Mr right came along tomorrow, you would be too busy wallowing and pining for MM to even pay him any attention. 

[heartwhole2]

1 hour ago, SSE said:

I try to treat everyone the same. I try to be friendly towards everyone, even if I don't love/like them. Why would I treat anyone with less respect even if I don't love them? Doesn't make any sense to me. And that's why I don't understand why MM acts that way. Why his wife gets love and a good treatment and I get s***. Why did he do that? I'm also a human being with feelings, not a sex toy. Why do my father/brother act that way? What's their motive? 

Are you sure I don't love him? It feels like love to me, although I often feel a rise in my anxiety level when he contacts me (and not in a good way). I wished he loved me too. 

@assertives Can you explain this, please?  

 

If MM was good at the love thing he wouldn't be cheating on her. She does not get good treatment. Nobody wants to be lied to, cheated on, and exposed to who knows what STDs. I would never call that love.

I believe that you like MM. I believe that you feel loving towards him. I believe that you are attracted and attached to him. I believe that you see him in a good light. I believe that you would like to do good things for him. But to love him, or anyone, you must first love yourself. You're not going to find what you're looking for in anyone but yourself. 

Why do your father and brother act that way? A counselor can really help you with this. I can just guess. But from his actions it seems to me that your father is deeply insecure. He doesn't love himself, so he thinks that if he can impress others then he will feel better about himself. He wants you to look and be a certain way so that he can impress others. He hasn't realized that it is shallow and foolish to care about appearances or what other people think. And because he is insecure, he wants to put others down so he can feel above them. He's a bully.

Your brother was raised by your father too. From him, he learned that appearances matter. He learned that putting others down is rewarding in some way. He learned to deflect from his own issues by making fun of other people's issues. 

What do you think you learned from them? Did you learn that a woman's appearance is supposed to be her most important feature? Did you learn that people can put you down and you should take it because they "love" you? Did you internalize it, and decide that if you were better, they wouldn't treat you like that? You yourself said you treat all people the same. So should they. They don't because they are the problem. You are not the problem. The same goes for MM. He shouldn't be mistreating anyone, not a prostitute, not a servant, no one. The fact that he mistreats and uses you tells us that he lacks true compassion for others. He's not a catch. He's a predator.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, SSE said:

I try to treat everyone the same. I try to be friendly towards everyone, even if I don't love/like them. Why would I treat anyone with less respect even if I don't love them? Doesn't make any sense to me. And that's why I don't understand why MM acts that way. Why his wife gets love and a good treatment and I get s***. Why did he do that? I'm also a human being with feelings, not a sex toy. I wished he loved me too. 

It’s the golden rule, treat others the way you yourself would like to be treated. 

I am a good, kind, and loyal woman... it doesn’t mean that my (hypothetical) husband isn’t going to treat his subordinates badly at work, cheat on me with another woman, or commit some kind of crime. He is his own person, he makes his own decisions - I have no control of how he chooses to behave in this world and his decisions are not a reflection of me (other than the fact that I’ve chosen this person to be a part of my life).

Expecting another person to behave with the same values and in the same way that you behave is going to leave you disappointed every time. Another example, I put a lot of thought into the gifts that I give family and friends. I find myself wishing and expecting my partner to do the same - I’m thus disappointed every single time when he either a) complains that he has to buy me a gift because he doesn’t know what to get me or b) runs his idea by me for approval before he buys something. 

Again, pity party for one here... I wish he would treat me with the same love and kindness that I treat him... I wish he would love me. I imagine a pouting child sitting on the front stairs on their home saying - “I wish they wanted to play with me... why doesn’t that bully like me? I’m nice to her, why is she so mean to me?” If you want to find someone to play with, someone who treats you with kindness and respect, you need to go out and find a new friend. Stop chasing the bully and allowing that person to use you as their personal punching bag. There is a whole world of people out there - including available men - who would treat you with kindness and respect. This man that you have set your expectation on has proven time and time, and time again - it ain’t him! So put your big girl pants on, quit this pity party, and... let it go. Find something better for yourself. 

Edited May 14, 2020 by BaileyB

[SSE]

3 hours ago, assertives said:

What I meant by that was even if you met the right person who loves you for who you are and treats you well, it would not change your thoughts and beliefs about your own unworthiness. Because that right person is not MM, and you want only MM to tell you or show you that you are worthy by offering you the kind of love one gives to a husband or wife.

You're spot on. It feels like you know me well. I want his love. Don't know why because indeed, the way he acted towards me was not lovable at all. Even now he dismissed my feelings again. Why do I want his love so much?? To feel worthy? I thought it was because I love him and I want him to love me back. 

I also had troubles with believing my ex-boyfriend found me good enough because he made comments about my appearance. 

I still struggle with his treatment of me and his wife. I know we had this discussion before, but it keeps wondering in my head. MM had two other longterm relationships before he met and married his wife. They are together for almost 10 years. I cannot imagine he could treat her or the others bad for such a long period. It seems he is capable of treating people good! Don't know why I got the s***ty treatment. I would like to know why he thought it was okay to treat me like a free prostitute. Why do you treat one person good and another one not? I know I was never cruel to him. 

[heartwhole2]

Gently, it's not your job to figure out why he acts the way he does. It's your job to figure yourself out so that you can act in a way that brings you joy. Whether you know the exact thing that went wrong with his wiring or his upbringing to make him this way or you don't, you still have the same pattern of his behavior. He doesn't treat you right. That's not going to change. 

Your task is to shore yourself up and nurture yourself so that you don't let people who treat you wrong in. Sometimes people even have to do this with their family of origin. But especially with someone like MM, a married cheater who is cruel to you . . . you need to do a lot of work on yourself so that you see what he offers for what it is: a stinking pile of s***. So the next time someone who will only cause you heartache comes along, your self-preservation instinct kicks in and you say, "No thanks" before you get to know them well enough to fall in love.

Your attitude doesn't have to be, "Why don't you love me enough to treat me better?" It can be, "Too bad for you that you're not good enough for the awesomeness that I am" while you strut away.

[BaileyB]

51 minutes ago, SSE said:

I would like to know why he thought it was okay to treat me like a free prostitute. I know I was never cruel to him.

The simple answer is... because you allowed it. He played out a lot of sexual fantasies with you and you allowed it. That doesn’t feel good to say and I’m sure it doesn’t feel good to hear, but it is the sad reality. 

You were not cruel to him. Quite the opposite, you were too good to him - to your own detriment. You allowed him to walk all over you. You never enforced any boundaries with him. And because of that, he had no respect for you. And, he continued to use you for sex. 

That’s on him - why did he think this was ok? Only he knows. 

Rather than focusing on what he did and why he did it, things you will never understand and do not control in any way... focus on yourself, what do you want for yourself and how can you grow such that you never place yourself in this kind of situation again. 

Edited May 14, 2020 by BaileyB

[Amethyst68]

I suspect if you're truly honest you want this MM for a couple of reasons:

1 - if he picks you it validates you (in your mind) in the eyes of your father and brother. This rich successful man 'loves' you so much he's left his wife and family for you therefore you can't be the person you think your own family sees you as. You've got the 'better' spouse.

2 - you win, simple as that. All th people you see as having put you down or used you for sex, you'll somehow have proven your worth.

I wish you would stop posting about his wife. You have no right. It doesn't matter if she is currently happy because we all know one day it's all going to come crashing down around her. The fact is that's what you want and all the self depreciating narrative you keep writing doesn't negate that. At the heart of it you want to break up this woman's family, for this MM to choose you and leave her and his child. You've said it's her money, there's probably a prenup, there's a miniscule chance of him leaving unless she kicks him out although to be honest that's the best thing she could do.

A question for you, if you found out she did in fact kick him out, not that he left but that she made the decision would you take him back? 

[RebeccaR]

The reason he treats you badly is because you allow it. He can’t treat you badly if you walk away.