Do you always have to compete?

[Fair]

For a man?

 

I've never had a man or even just had one interested in me that, once it became known, didn't have other women after him. This I've always found distasteful to say the least. I don't want to have to compete for men. It's degrading and embarrassing, at least that's how I've always looked at it. I couldn't give up my pride like that. That's why, in the past, if another woman wanted him and his head had been turned even a little bit, I've walked away. I feel as if a man truly likes me, he's not going to be distracted so easily.

 

However... I've probably been doing it all wrong. There are rules to this 'game' and you either play them or lose. However, from my limited perspective other women seem to get boyfriends and husbands almost effortlessly, without any of the fuss or without competition. In fact, I can honestly say I don't know how they do it.

 

There's no man in the picture currently except for one I like across the street. Still, I know if I began showing interest in him, or even told anyone I liked him, the competition would be on...

 

So am I alone here? Is fighting for the man inevitable or am I just surrounded by an inordinate amount of "…. blockers?"

[alphamale]

how old are you Fair?

[basil67]

So how's the neighbour going? Have the two of you been chatting out the front of your house? What kind of guy is he?

[Fair]

@basil

 

He's been back making sure my lawn mower is still running smoothly. He asked if he could come back again in the fall to fix it properly. He's very nervous around me but I think he likes me.

[Fair]

@alpha male

 

Do you have an answer? What does my age have to do with it? I'm an adult.

[basil67]

If he's seeking you out, that's a really good start. Did you give him anything or suggest having a beer together by way of thanks?

[Fair]

@basil all I've done is agree he can come back. I'm not going to be too forward and blow it. I'm letting him take the lead.

 

However, I'd be interested to know if you have any answers to my question.?

[chillii]

Haaaa, l suspected he liked ya , now l'm pretty sure of it.

And seems he's been back think you could feel free to pop over there for something.

Did you offer him a coffee or anything last time he was over.

Anyway , yaknow if you look at it this way, anyone with a bf or gf h or w has to deal with other people sometime.

l've had mates even brothers l've known were keen on my woman , wouldn't have trusted them far as l could kick em.

l dunno , goes with the territory l'd try not to worry about that stuff too much, if he wants you he wants you.

[schlumpy]

Fair - you are going to have to give the men you meet and date some more latitude. Men are wired (most men) to react to an attractive women. It's just human nature.

 

I get the feeling your male company isn't around long enough to establish that deep interest in you that you are seeking.

 

Give them some time to focus on you. If after a couple of months he's still flipping out for every girl he sees in a short skirt then by all means jettison him.

 

Your neighbor sounds like a good prospect. Make sure you compliment him on his mechanical skills and offer a nice ice cold glass of lemonade along with a plate of those cute little sandwiches where the crust is cut off.

 

That should send the right message.

[Fair]

I sometimes feel I've been living in a bubble.

 

Just wonder how it is out there for other women... I suppose I'm too sensitive.

[basil67]

However, I'd be interested to know if you have any answers to my question.?

 

It's just the way things are these days.....hence my positive spin on your life. There's no sense getting bogged down in the negative.

[frus69]

You always compete, but not actively.

 

You look better than others, you have a more suitable personality, your body is hotter, you have more money etc etc. You have more to offer, that means you win over others in this "competition". Similarly, men compete for you too. Why do you choose him out of thousands other men? He stands out to you. He wins this competition.

 

But you dont actively compete, meaning you dont play games or input strategy in order to get someone. You compete by bettering yourself.

[greymatter]

I've never had to compete with other women for a man. I've been told numerous times that my current partner (and my last BF) are very hot. But women in my circles have their own partners or, those who are single, would never do what you describe.

[alphamale]

@alpha male

 

Do you have an answer? What does my age have to do with it? I'm an adult.

 

your age has everything to do with it. like if you told me you were in your 20s I would tell you that in that age range people really treat others badly...or I may tell you that in that age range people are more attracted to looks vs. intellect or personality. as one gets older we look for different things in a partner.

 

so if you were older I would give you different advice

[Kitty Tantrum]

I dislike active competition for one basic reason, and I'm sure it makes me sound full of myself - but I almost always win. That doesn't sound like much of a problem, buuut if I had a dollar for every time I got sidelined or relegated to the role of admin/judge/arbiter/etc. because "it's not fair when you play" ...

 

Fact is, when I get competitive, people tend to hate me. It took me a bit to figure that out, but I had it down pretty well by the time I became an adult, and I find that it's just as applicable to relationships, and male/female interactions in general, as it is to other things. Even just NOT being INVISIBLE ENOUGH can get me in trouble with women who are insecure enough to think I must be trying to poach their man just by existing (I don't even have to be "hot" for this to happen, it happened just as consistently when I was a fatty).

 

So while I always try to be the best me I can be, I tend to sideline myself. Historically, any time I've been interested in a guy, and another girl has come into the picture, I've made myself disappear.

 

My fiance hadn't been with a girl in two years when we started hooking up. IMMEDIATELY thereafter, this other girl he knew kinda forced herself into the picture, and they hooked up ONCE. That was my cue. I was OUTTA THERE. No interest in competing with another woman. None.

 

But he dropped her. I didn't have to do a darn thing aside from being the objectively better option.

 

I always say: the only person I'm trying to be better than is the person I was yesterday. And I think that's the best approach. You shouldn't have to "square off" against anybody. If you feel like you have to do that in order to "win" or keep a man - that's either a man who doesn't know what he wants, or a man who knows he doesn't want YOU but is willing to take whatever time and attention you'll give him until what he does want comes along.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm not dating at the moment, but I've never felt that I was competing with anyone when I was. I'm also not at all a competitive person so maybe I just didn't notice?

[carhill]

Do you always have to compete?

Everyone? IMO no.

In my life, in my demographic, for me? Yes. Love and reproduction was war. If I didn't get out and compete, nothing happened. As a control, since my D, I haven't gone out and competed. Easiest time being single ever. That doesn't mean hermitage, rather simply not focusing on sexually pursuing females. Still enjoy them, talk to them, befriend them, socialize with them. They like to know they 'have' a man, that I'm competing for their whatever. If not presented that way, nothing happens. That's just reality in my singular anecdote. Been like that throughout life. YMMV.

[Foxhall]

Whats holding you back Fair,

 

take a chance, let yourself go,

 

the lady in your photo there,

 

How would she have played this??

[elaine567]

That's why, in the past, if another woman wanted him and his head had been turned even a little bit, I've walked away. I feel as if a man truly likes me, he's not going to be distracted so easily.

 

There is competition and competition.

 

Woman interested, man not interested, but he is interested in you then forget about her, carry on as normal as long as he remains interested in you. (unless she is so in your face it is making you miserable - in that case walk away, not worth the hassle...)

 

Woman interested, man engaging with her or even prioritising her, then walk away, you do not want to be his second choice or the "booby prize", or have him dump you as soon as she shows interest...

[FMW]

As has been pointed out, most men are going to notice other attractive women, even if they have more interest in one particular woman. So what you may be perceiving as competition may just be the natural fleeting interest both men and women may exhibit when they see someone they find attractive.

 

Active competition is something I would never even contemplate. And if a guy is obviously drooling over another woman, then by all means walk away. But don't withdraw simply because a guy isn't completely blind to every other woman. If he's truly interested in you there will be a difference in the attention he pays you as compared to others he simply finds attractive.

[primer]

@Fair - You are not alone.

 

 

I am a single female in my 50s and I don't compete.

 

 

There was a guy I was dating and he was telling me about women his friend's wanted to set him up with. The friends knew he was dating me. (Small town.) That's when I decided to end it. I didn't want to be a part of that.

 

 

Some women do compete and try to steal someone else's man. That makes them the "winner" and boosts their self-esteem. My old friend used to feel that way. Not for me.

[alphamale]

As has been pointed out, most men are going to notice other attractive women, even if they have more interest in one particular woman.

 

men are, first and foremost, visual creatures

[Els]

Not really. It's up to the guy how he handles the attention, and if he's a decent guy who's similarly into you, he'll respectfully decline them. If he was lapping it up, I'd bow out too.

[LivingWaterPlease]

If a guy is taking the time and making the effort to fix your lawn mower I doubt he's one to have wandering eyes...

 

I hope you find out!

[preraph]

Two things. One is if those women competing are any of your own friends, get them out of your life.

 

Two, pay attention to the difference between him being interested in a woman in the vicinity and her being the one who's interested.

 

I dated a lot of band guys, so I was practically acting like a bodyguard at times when one got too aggressive. I wouldn't interfere or even be visible if it was just normal fan stuff, but once one started going in for the kill, I actually had guys motion me to intervene so they didn't have to be the bad guy. I would usually just do it by saying where they could hear, "We've got to go or we'll be late to the _____" and let him say goodbye and then walk off with him.

 

I did have one confrontation with one who just came up and interrupted me and him one day. For the most part, the few guys that I ever had this role with liked it. My old flame and I happened to be in the same bar one time and a drunk woman was trying to pull him out of the bar (he was SO good looking) and he looked around for help and saw me and yelled for me to come help. I was literally pulling on his other arm. Again, they do that so they don't have to be the bad guy. He didn't want to force her off him, so me coming and grabbing him sort of put her off balance enough for him to escape her clutches.

 

I have a lot of pride too, but I'm also not going to just cede ground to some random cow. So don't compete, but if it's appropriate, stand your ground. Don't reward the guy for having swivel eyes, though, by upping your attention on him. Just go do your thing until and unless he puts his focus back on you. I'm not fighting for a chronic swivelhead.