Do you always have to compete?

[Fair]

If a guy is taking the time and making the effort to fix your lawn mower I doubt he's one to have wandering eyes...

 

I hope you find out!

 

I hope so too. I don't think he's been home for a couple of days... I hope he doesn't forget me too fast.

[Fair]

It's just the way things are these days.....hence my positive spin on your life. There's no sense getting bogged down in the negative.

 

This is very true, but I think the drama associated with trying to find someone always exhausts me and I hope it doesn't happen this time. My last boyfriend was someone one of my old school friends was flirting with and my sister was around trying to catch his eye... Both are married and neither one gave a "rat's a...." about him until he was mine. He was lapping it up, which was one of many reasons for expulsion.

 

All three of them are gone out of my life now and good riddance.

 

I'm not so sure it's a bad thing to walk out the minute men start showing other women attention because no man who wants you is going to blatantly disrespect you by ogling them in front of you. A man who is interested doesn't want to hurt/put you on the defensive. Safe bet that it's best to just walk.

[Fair]

Nothing makes a 'person' be it male or female, more attractive to the opposite sex than one who already has someone. The competitive side of dating makes me want to stay in the house.

[alphamale]

Nothing makes a 'person' be it male or female, more attractive to the opposite sex than one who already has someone.

 

totally 100% correct

[Fair]

@CautiouslyOptimistic

 

Good for you.

 

For me it always seems that whenever I'm involved in anything, relationship or work or anything, other women around me seem to feel they have something to prove and the competitions start. I'm not competitive either so this just annoys me.

[alphamale]

For me it always seems that whenever I'm involved in anything, relationship or work or anything, other women around me seem to feel they have something to prove and the competitions start. I'm not competitive either so this just annoys me.

 

if you are attractive and smart that would explain a lot

[chillii]

l'm not competitive either never have been, done my own thing whole life more than most could imagine.

But l do hear op , however l've never competed for w or gf in my life either, even if someone else is interested they should be sticking with you and if they don't they never were.

What l said earlier wasn't about competing more so just that we might have others trying their hand at times. But they won't get anywhere if the relationship is true.

ps , things at work sound like a pain in the ass though , but eh , take it as a compliment , they see you as something special or they wouldn't feel need to go on with their crap.

Edited August 28, 2019 by chillii

[Ruby Slippers]

I've never once felt I was competing against other women for a man. My philosophy is: be awesome and let the chips fall where they may. The men I've been with have recognized and appreciated my unique qualities.

 

I think one of the best qualities to look for in a man is the disposition to be happy with what/who he has. Some men love the familiar, routine, and bond readily and easily. These men make way better boyfriends and husbands than the type who are always chasing the next thrill.

[basil67]

I've never felt like I was competing. That said, when I was single, OLD wasn't a thing.

[carhill]

During the 70's-90's period it was common for a woman to clearly describe that she was dating a number of men and, during that period, pre-AIDS anyway, having multiple sexual partners was common too. The 'best man' would win. I wasn't socialized to consider relationships a contest but the rude reality of life intervened. The competition continued once in a relationship or married because there were always interlopers. I came to see this as unremarkable since men competed in nearly all aspects of life. Beating other men was part of building social status and power. Of course someone doesn't have to participate; no one is forced to do anything. Do nothing, get nothing.

[basil67]

Perhaps this was common where you lived Carhill. Where I lived, women who were doing that were described as "the town bike" or another word which can't be used here.

[carhill]

I was a California native, born in the 50's. California is currently the 5th largest economy on the planet and has long been an economic and purported social leader. It's hyper competitive by nearly every metric. Lifestyle and image are super-important. This was introduced very early by attending the same private education system as the wealthy of the state. Early lessons are the best lessons but I was stubborn thinking everyone was created equal and had equal opportunities. Not true. We do give lip service to it though.

[gaius]

My wife is a rare combination of both really smart and stunningly beautiful so guys take notice. Before and after we started dating she's always had other offers. But what other guys fail to realize is that I've already won, before I even step in the room. There's competition but it's not really a competition.

 

If your potential partner is even halfway a catch there's probably going to be someone else sniffing around at some point. But if you have a lot to offer, confidence in yourself and you pick wisely it's not much to worry about.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

If you are surrounded by the types of women who behave that way, the best thing you can do is keep them at a safe distance. Decent women and friends do not behave like this.

 

In regards to your neighbor, I would keep that under raps because he sounds like a possible keeper, so I wouldn't risk it. That being said, the mark of a keeper is one that knows what he wants and doesn't get distracted by other women trying it on.

 

You have to be be willing to show enough interest though to let him know he isn't wasting his time though. I know it can be hard to open yourself up to being vulnerable sometimes, but some guys are worth taking that risk.

 

It's up to you to decide if you think he might be worth taking a chance on.

[elaine567]

If a guy is taking the time and making the effort to fix your lawn mower I doubt he's one to have wandering eyes...

 

Her lawn mower may not be the only one he fixes... sometimes these quiet, shy types are not as "quiet" as they appear to be.

[Maddie82]

@basil all I've done is agree he can come back. I'm not going to be too forward and blow it. I'm letting him take the lead.

 

However, I'd be interested to know if you have any answers to my question.?

 

But if you appear too uninterested, he may stop trying....

[thefooloftheyear]

While men may be competitive in sports and business, women are most competitive in the areas of dating/mate selection...While a guy will look at another guy that has an attractive w/gf and nod with approval, women get pissed off, jealous, and hyper competitive around men, especially desirable men.. The craziest part about it is that I have seen women who are seemingly happy in their own relationships backstab their own friends over a guy....Its crazy...Its not uncommon to see women aggressively flirt with a taken guy right in front of his gf...Guys generally wont do this, so I think its a problem among women...It starts early as well...My daughter(16) tells me occasionally about the fighting among her friends....its always about a guy...

 

I guess my only advice is if you want the least amount of drama, pick an "ordinary" type of guy...You probably will still get some competitiveness, but probably far less than if the guy had something special about him..

 

TFY

[elaine567]

Maddie82 is correct, he may indeed stop trying.

AND all it needs is for some more forward woman to ask him out and he may be gone in an instant...

Strike while the iron is hot.

If he isn't interested then you save yourself a lot of time wasted.

Yes you may embarrass yourself, but better that than spend months/years in limbo waiting for him to make the move that never arrives...

[Fair]

 

I guess my only advice is if you want the least amount of drama, pick an "ordinary" type of guy...You probably will still get some competitiveness, but probably far less than if the guy had something special about him..

 

TFY

 

I once dated a guy who was a total dweeb partly because I didn't want the headache of competition. Guess what? As soon as I started dating him he was remarkably desirable to other women and he ended up cheating on me with someone in competition with me.

 

I agree with your whole post. Women say they're 'happy' in their relationships until another woman gets someone they worry might be 'better' than what they have. Doesn't matter if they're married, they WILL throw themselves at your man.

 

This sounds horrible and I don't mean to insult all women. I'm not like that and I know all other women aren't like that, but I still agree with fooloftheyear that it's a particularly bad problem among women in general.

[Fair]

Part of this has to do with women feeling that being 'attractive' is where their value lays as human beings.

 

As I stated before, both a married school friend and my married sister decided to try to compete for the attention of the last loser I dated and it seems they were both successful. I know my lawn mower guy would be my sister's next target if I was to start dating him.

 

See, it's not enough for some women to know they can get men or "A" man... they have to know they can attract the SAME man as you if they see you as competition.

 

I feel like I have to keep everything I do a secret from the women I know for as long as possible, but I'm tired of living that way. It's like they've got me afraid to try anything for fear they'll try and ruin it.

 

That said, I'll do what I can to 'get the guy' in this case. If he's still interested.

[ChatroomHero]

To be honest, it sounds like OP doesn't want to put in the effort. She wants a guy love struck at first sight and then happily ever after.

 

What OP calls compete, I would say it's more like put in effort to keep a guys attention and prove she's worthy of him and can offer him more than another woman. Looks only go so far.

 

I meet women and feel attracted to them on the same level. I don't necessarily think 'wow, this girl is pretty, nobody can compare' because any time I have thought that, when the relationship is over I find someone I am even more attracted to and then number of women I have seen is just a drop in the ocean. There will always be someone you are attracted to the more or at least the same. So if I am dating someone and I'm doing all the work and she is not really adding to making my life easier and happier and another woman puts effort into me and likes cooking dinner or doting on me, or is always up for sex, etc...the one not doing the work will be less desirable.

[Ruby Slippers]

women get pissed off, jealous, and hyper competitive around men, especially desirable men

I've observed this as well, but it's never made any sense to me and I've never engaged in it myself. Those women just seem desperate and unintelligent.

 

I'm picky and don't have much interest in dating men who have nothing exceptional about them. So I noticed the animosity from other women as early as high school.

 

My first boyfriend was a gorgeous, tall drink of water, and as soon as we got together, it seemed like every girl in the school was interested in him. To his credit, as far as I could see he was totally loyal (to the extent a 14-year-old can be - we didn't do anything more than make out haha). We spent just about all our free time together and I never felt his mind was anywhere else. I was on the tennis team, and he'd come to my practice after school and all my tournament matches, stretch his long sexy bod out on the bleachers and watch me play

 

My junior year, this guy in a band whom a lot of girls were interested in asked me out. It was crazy how all these girls were suddenly talking about me and being super catty. It was no threat to me, just amusing, because he obviously wasn't interested and they were just making themselves look desperate.

[Fair]

To be honest, it sounds like OP doesn't want to put in the effort. She wants a guy love struck at first sight and then happily ever after.

 

What OP calls compete, I would say it's more like put in effort to keep a guys attention and prove she's worthy of him and can offer him more than another woman. Looks only go so far.

 

I meet women and feel attracted to them on the same level. I don't necessarily think 'wow, this girl is pretty, nobody can compare' because any time I have thought that, when the relationship is over I find someone I am even more attracted to and then number of women I have seen is just a drop in the ocean. There will always be someone you are attracted to the more or at least the same. So if I am dating someone and I'm doing all the work and she is not really adding to making my life easier and happier and another woman puts effort into me and likes cooking dinner or doting on me, or is always up for sex, etc...the one not doing the work will be less desirable.

 

That goes both ways. Seems there are a lot of men getting lax once in an established relationship and don't even know their wives are getting jealous over other women's men.

 

That said, I have to laugh because if I'm honest with myself, you're right. I want the whole dating thing to be easy. Love struck guy, happily ever after, amen. If only... lol. I know it can't work that way. I just wish it would. I've always been one who wanted the fairy tale without any of the work. If it doesn't come easy it just seems too exhausting to me. Dating is something I never wanted to spend a lot of time on.

[Ruby Slippers]

I want the whole dating thing to be easy. Love struck guy, happily ever after, amen. If only... lol. I know it can't work that way.

I think it can work that way, but it's rare. Women in a relationship like that seem very relaxed to me, definitely not in competitive mode.

[Timshel]

If it doesn't come easy it just seems too exhausting to me. Dating is something I never wanted to spend a lot of time on.

 

 

This is entirely on you Fair, it's your decision to make. If it's too much then so be it. I would encourage you to push yourself a little, but who is anyone to say what you are able to handle.

 

This thread had me remember an incident from my very early twenties that changed my periphery.

I was living in MA and was dating a guy from Cambridge. We went to some pub there, small, every one knows everyone type place. We had only been there perhaps 10 min. with myself facing the bar and my bf next to me surrounded by a group of guy friends....someone came up behind me, grabbed my hair and pulled me backwards off the bar stool.

 

One of my bf's friends caught me (I did not hit the floor) and carried me straight out of the bar to a car that took me home. As I was being carried away I looked over this guy's shoulder to see an all out. drag down. bar brawl happening. Chairs flying, fists swinging, glass throwing brawl with every person participating.

 

The next day when my bf came to explain, it was a woman he had dated, jelly. Police had been called arrests were made, it was a scene.

 

That experience was honestly when my sheltered bubble popped. How uncivilized, lol. A pricey education will not buy depth.

 

It turned out that my bf was a wise guy and some months later I got a priceless education in courage to put all that behind me and go back to my sheltered little world.

Hats off to that crazy competitive roberta who wised my prissy ass up.

 

Fair, you can stay safe and you definitely don't have to experience that level of drama. There is something to be said for living life and letting it teach you a thing or two.

 

It's not so bad.