3 1/2 years broken up and still feelings of attachment, why?

[UniverseInMe]

It's a very sad and lonely state when I can't stop thinking about her. It's like I've accepted she's gone on a conscious level. I've also accepted we just aren't meant for each other and that things will never, ever be the same even if she did come back. But why-O-why do I still think about her after this length of time!? It boggles my mind. It's been 3 1/2 years! Not a single day has gone by that I haven't thought of her. Certainly the feelings of pangs, desperation, panic attacks have gone but still I find myself left with constant thoughts of her. It's silly to think but it's almost as-if she was who I was meant to be with. No matter how much I tell myself "Stop, let her go. Stop feeling for her. She's not worth it. She isn't thinking about me at all. She has no respect for me. She's gone and will never, ever come back. Focus on what's to come" it's still no use because the very next day I'm back to thinking about her effortlessly without me even realizing it.

 

It's like somewhere deep down inside I feel I have unfinished work with her and it's driving me crazy because WHY!? Why do I feel I'm not done with her!? What makes her so dam special, because she's not. She's totally not. In fact she's totally toxic and disrespectful and untrustworthy.

 

When I broke up with my other ex many years ago I was nowhere CLOSE to feeling like this. I'm 44 now. My other ex was hot too and just as toxic, disrespectful and untrustworthy. I was totally into her. She was just as sexy and alluring as this current ex. And yet when I broke up with her within 2 months I was completely over her. But this one? 3 1/2 years and still going. Wow!

 

Last week for almost 3 to 4 days I was feeling like I was finally over her. This had never happened before. And what I mean by finally over her I mean when I thought about her there was zero emotions behind my thoughts. Her image carried no more weight on me, as-if my connection to her was finally severed. It felt absolutely liberating and so empowering. I was so happy for myself that I had finally reached that moment because before I might go 1 day feeling like this but the next day, bam, sucked right back in. But last week was different. It had finally been several days of feeling indifference. But then something happened where I got sucked back in thinking of her AGAIN! lol. And now it's been days where I've completely fallen off the wagon and back to thinking of her again:( This is insane!

 

Dam man, I wish I can speak to God and understand this on a personal level of what the heck is exactly going on in my spirit that's got me so dam attached to her because I've just about ran out of ideas and thoughts on this. I've completely stopped trying to move past this because I feel it's useless at this point. Nothing works or is changing!

 

Something just isn't right here that I can't put my finger on. Can someone please enlighten me?

[Silver_star]

You do have some control over where you invest your energy. Saying you have no control or that there is nothing you can do is a self fulling prophecy because that is the belief you are creating within yourself. Get UNstuck. There is no timeline on healing, but you are going to want to heal and get over her. You are going to want to look forward to the future, more than you look forward to thinking about your past.

Perhaps you keep getting sucked back to thinking of her, because it's easier to focus on the past than focus on and visualize a better future? Especially if you are not sure what you want, or you havent identified the mistakes that caused the relationship to fail?

 

Perhaps you have this romanticized version of your ex in your mind.

There was a reason you two broke up right? She was not perfect, and she did not treat you how you wanted to be treated right? You said she was toxic.

 

So it's not that you WANT her, we all think about our exes, especially ones we have formed deep emotional connections/bonds with...even if they were toxic. It's important to remember the REASONS why it didnt work out, and the BAD things about the relationship or person that keep you away from them, and let you refocus your energy on the future. I don't think you are thinking of her more because you love her, I think you are thinking of memories that spark something inside you whether it be lust, attraction or fondness that you miss feeling...but remember those were YOUR feelings and those can be recreated with someone new and better for you.

[mark clemson]

I've completely stopped trying to move past this because I feel it's useless at this point. Nothing works or is changing!

 

Something just isn't right here that I can't put my finger on. Can someone please enlighten me?

 

If this has been going on for 3 1/2 years, I suggest you talk to a psychologist and/or therapist.

 

If you've already tried that, consider trying a different one?

 

The things I generally suggest are below (laymen's suggestions). Not sure which ones you've tried. Consider whichever ones make sense for you:

 

- Time socializing with friends (increases dopamine)

- Time outside in nature (or even just looking a nature photos) - at least 10 min a day (increases serotonin)

- Working out/exercise (ask a doctor first) (increases endogenous opiates)

- Hobbies/interests, esp. social ones

- Distractions such as good TV, books (although these are intended to "pass the time" while your brain adjusts and in your case might not make sense as your brain doesn't seem to want to adjust).

- Moving on to a new casual romantic partner (make it clear it's casual since you're still hung up on the Ex)

[schlumpy]

What kind of closure are you looking for or do you imagine?

 

Do you want to pick up the morning paper and read about her in the obits?

 

She shows up one night during a thunderstorm dripping wet to apologize to you for tearing out your heart and you decisively say, "Yeah, whatever" then shut the door in her mascara streaked face.

 

You get a call from work that she's in the hospital and wants to see you. You get there just in time to have her gasp out how sorry she was before that last breath leaves her body.

 

Do you want to be friends and exchange greetings cards during the year? Go to each others backyard barbeques?

 

How about she names her first child after you? Would that allow you move on?

 

I don't often recommend therapy but after this much time you need something to get moving forward and it's obvious you can't do it yourself. So, get yourself off to the re-education camp and get on with your life.

[Beendaredonedat]

Try some aversion therapy. Everytime she pops into your mind, instead of basking in your reverie of her, have an elastic band on your wrist and ping that thing hard when she is renting space in your brain for free and immediately change the subject of her to something else.

 

Failing that, then yes, get yourself into therapy and gets some help by going over the relationship and the way you broke up to figure out why you are OBSESSED with her.

 

If you have diagnosed OCD though don't do the elastic band thing... that will just become your next over-the-top compulsion.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I wouldn't worry about it at all.

 

You're processing this on your own time schedule.

 

The other ex you broke up with you got over very quickly. Doesn't really matter why at this point. This ex is taking longer. But you are making progress. Whereas a while ago you had only gotten through a day without having an emotional response to thoughts of her, just recently you went several days without longing for her. That's great! You'll probably go a little longer next time.

 

Not only is every individual unique, but also each relationship is unique, and each break up is unique. Give yourself more time. I believe you'll get there.

 

I have someone in my life whom it took me much longer to move on from. Still a very long time later I believe he may have been the love of my life. But, he's married now so I've agreed with myself to be happy for him. It makes such a difference for me to, in my own mind, applaud and support his marriage. To let him go in that I've released him in my own mind for happiness with his wife.

 

When I meet someone and fall in love again, I'm sure I'll be able to enjoy life with him and yet still have sweet memories of my ex! I believe you can have the same experience where you let your ex go while still having good memories of her.

[UniverseInMe]

I suppose you are right, I am making progress, but it's just not staying consistent is where my frustration lays. I keep relapsing. It's actually quite embarrassing that I'm still here but whatever, I'm here and I gotta deal with this head-on. I appreciate your positive outlook. I'm glad you got through your ordeal. It's really hell dealing with something like this. You are very strong for having made it this far. Good for you!!!

Edited August 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Marc878]

Are you in total no contact? That includes no social media, etc

[ExpatInItaly]

I was about to ask the same thing.

Edited August 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[elaine567]

I suppose you are right, I am making progress, but it's just not staying consistent is where my frustration lays. I keep relapsing.

 

She may not be dead, but you suffered a bereavement all the same.

Grieving is never a straight line progression.

Some days very good, some days good, some days OK, some days bad, some days horrendous is how it usually goes.

Your trend is generally upwards which is a good sign.

[nolanola]

If you are doing what you can as far as avoiding her, avoiding her social media, avoiding places you might run into her, etc, then I say be patient and kind to yourself. I 100% agree with what several other posters have said: it takes time and sometimes SO much more than we want it to. Everyone is different and just because it's been 3.5 years doesn't mean you're totally broken. As you say, you are getting a little bit better, it's just really slow.

 

My absolute worst break up took me about a year to get through the worst of it (where I could feel like myself again) and way longer than that to actually start to feel nothing for him. After 2 years I would still sometimes get really angry at him for a while. I think it was about 3 years, or until I became interested in someone else, that I started really moving on. That situation didn't work out, but when I did actually start dating someone else a year later, then I really got over him. It's now been 9 years and I can say I never want to see him again and am so ok with that - I would have never imagined I would be able to say that when we broke up. I actually remember distinctly thinking that I was in hell because I was so obsessed with him and the breakup. It was all I could think of.

 

Another thing that I think is holding you back is idealizing her and the relationship. Make a list on your phone of all of her bad qualities, things she did that annoyed you, or ways she mistreated you. When you think of her positively or miss her, get it out and look at it. My list has really small things (like a dumb thing my ex said once when we were with some friends), some personality things (he won't dance), to big things (like very detailed descriptions of times he hurt me). It never fails to make me see him in a different light than the voice in my head wants me to. It's not a cure-all, but it might make you see that she isn't so great.

[PureAppleJuice]

Try not to get bogged down with expectations of how long it should take you to move on. You are an individual with your own set of experiences, own psychological make up, emotions, etc. Other people didn't experience the relationship, YOU did. And there was something about it that was special to you, and you are allowed to take as long as you need to grieve.

 

Try to take care of yourself and not rush things. I'm sorry you had to go through that and that it is still causing you pain.