Passive Boyfriend?

[L90]

Have any females here ever dated or are currently dating a guy that they would consider "passive"?

 

What kind of things do they do/did they do that made you notice this or feel this about them? Was it all the time or just sometimes?

 

Once you noticed, how did it make you feel and if it bothered you, did you try to talk to them or hint at it or communicate it in anyway?

[basil67]

Why do you ask L90? A bit of background could make our comments more relevant to your question.

[L90]

Well I was dumped a little while ago and in talked to a therapist the word passive has come up.

 

Now I don't think passivity was a dominant thing going on in my relationship, but I'm curious what could have made my ex feel I was passive and what that made her feel. If it could have been fixed/talked about.

 

Just not sure if this was really what ended my relationship or not so trying to reflect a bit, see what people say about this sort of thing and see if I recognize any of it in myself and see what I may have to work on.

[preraph]

I've dated guys who were passive about some things but not others. Swan was passive just in the fact that he was hard to keep up a conversation with and also wasn't initiating sex, but he was gung-ho in the fact that he flew to see me and went to all that trouble and expense. Nice guy I guess just not enough in common.

 

Dated a passive guy who was gay but wouldn't admit it to himself. Unfortunately he also didn't feel the need to convince himself that he wasn't gay by having sex with me. Unfortunate because he looked like a young Pierce brosnan. he was terrified of sex and even had nightmares about it. What a mess.

 

I broke up with him for not cleaning his guinea pig cage but I was already getting fed up with him after a camping trip in which he wouldn't go out with me to go to the restroom at night. Grrr.

[Mr. Lucky]

in talked to a therapist the word passive has come up.

 

I think there's two different types of passivity is relationships.

 

My BIL was so meek, low-key and noncommittal in his marital role (since divorced), he was almost invisible. He didn't make any plans, decisions or contributions and we used to kid behind his back she was having him fitted for a hitch to make towing easier. I'd guess most women would find this maddening - and unattractive.

 

But I'd guess your therapist is identifying a less than proactive approach in solving the problems existing in any relationship. There's a certain amount of heavy lifting to be done when issues arise - some move towards it, some run from it.

 

Did any of this apply to you with your ex?

 

Mr. Lucky

[chillii]

Passive can also just be another word for very low interest in the partner, or in anything much they have to say, or in sleeping with them.

[L90]

I've dated guys who were passive about some things but not others. Swan was passive just in the fact that he was hard to keep up a conversation with and also wasn't initiating sex, but he was gung-ho in the fact that he flew to see me and went to all that trouble and expense. Nice guy I guess just not enough in common.

 

Dated a passive guy who was gay but wouldn't admit it to himself. Unfortunately he also didn't feel the need to convince himself that he wasn't gay by having sex with me. Unfortunate because he looked like a young Pierce brosnan. he was terrified of sex and even had nightmares about it. What a mess.

 

I broke up with him for not cleaning his guinea pig cage but I was already getting fed up with him after a camping trip in which he wouldn't go out with me to go to the restroom at night. Grrr.

 

Were there specific things Swan did or didn’t do that have you this passive vibe besides the not initiating sex thing? Did you ever speak to him about it?

[Foxhall]

Im somewhat on the passive side myself,

 

I do take a "if your happy I am happy" approach

 

some of my lady friends are ok with this, some have found it infuriating:)

[basil67]

When in a relationship, I can be strong in my opinions. I will trample a passive guy and it's not pleasant for either of us. I need a guy who will put his foot down now and then and No, that doesn't suit me.

[chillii]

Haaaa, l like that in a woman.

Nothing worse than passive women, drove me crazy.

[preraph]

He was just quiet and couldn't just chitchat. I always had to carry the conversation except when we were on the subject of his thesis. I think he was taking his time sexually. The fact we didn't live in the same town, I think he was trying to replicate getting to know each other which involved him flying down for long weekends.

 

Also, and this may not be passivity, or anything else, but I found it odd that he never paid for anything while in town. Now, he bought the plane ticket, so I guess he figured that was enough, but he came from a family with some small-town newspaper editor money. He didn't seem to carry money. Maybe it's a rich thing, or maybe he just figured he paid for the ticket. Still it was him inviting himself down. He did cook for me once.

 

We didn't talk about it because it just never got to that point, in my mind. I didn't feel comfortable talking about it because he had trouble talking about things in general.

 

Passive, in general, I would expect someone to not initiate plans and make decisions. That's okay sometimes, but it seems to usually come with them not making plans and then not approving of your own, so... It's good to be moderate or take turns.

 

Now, if someone is not responding and is passive in that way, that's more disinterest or imbalance in interest, not to be confused...